My little man is off to school. He was pretty excited about his first day of SK. For the first time, it was an easy morning. No fussing, no rushing, no chaos. It was too easy. He was ready early so we went outside to take a few photos. 
The last day of school was the last day of Bella’s life, so this is really a new chapter for us. I wasn’t sure how today would affect me and the truth is I didn’t give it much thought but after Hudson’s bus drove away, I sat outside in the quiet and it hit me. I shouldn’t be here right now; I should be on my way to drop Bella off at daycare and then be going to work! I’m angry that instead of my normal day, I have to sit here, alone, in the quiet, hurting from the inside out.
A year ago, life was so hard. Shawn left in July and I was on my own with 2 kids full time. I was struggling with the separation and grieving the loss of my spouse. It was difficult and at the time I didn’t think it could be any worse. Boy, was I wrong.
I would give anything to go back to those chaotic days. Absolutely anything. I kept telling myself that “it will get easier as Bella gets older.” She was such a handful! She didn’t sleep and was over-the-top into EVERYTHING (to the point that she was a hazard)! In hindsight, I realize she was simply making the most out of the time she had here as she likely knew her time was short. 
I’m angry that she was taken from me. I’m angry that this had to happen to me! I’m angry that although I had been through enough a year ago that I could have written a book about my life, this had to happen to show me that the past was just the past and nothing before Bella ever mattered at all. I’m angry that I could have been so naive to think that life was as bad as it could get. Reality is my past made me as strong as I am and this strength is allowing me to keep going. Now it is all but water under a bridge.
Life can be chaotic. Kids are hard work, and that multiplies when you’re a single parent. It’s normal to get frustrated and impatient, but life is precious and no one is invincible. Just remember that life can change in an instant!
As I sat on my front step with tears streaming down my face, I looked over to see Bella’s beautiful pink rose staring at me. Thanks for the sign, baby girl. And with that, I stood up and decided it was time to start my day.


Why do we spend our entire lives trying to escape death, especially since it’s unavoidable? Most likely it’s the fear of the unknown, but there’s more to it than that. 
I can honestly say that for me, that’s not why. It’s not even that I’m trying to escape it. I KNOW there’s more after this life because I can still feel Bella. The day after she transitioned, I almost died and that experience changed me. I didn’t die that day for 2 reasons. First and foremost, I am here for my son. He needs me, now more than ever. Secondly, I chose to live this life for a reason, and my mission isn’t complete. 
Death was once accepted as a part of life and the way people coped with it was much different because of their beliefs. It is very clear to me that Bella’s fate was death. She was no longer meant to be in the physical world. She came here for a reason and she served her purpose. I also believe that in order to complete her mission, it was necessary for her to transition to the spirit world. 
The experience of losing Bella has forever altered my beliefs about death. We grieve for OUR loss, not for what our deceased loved ones have lost. They haven’t lost anything because they are still here with us. We are the ones who have lost something because we can no longer see THEM, but rest assured that they can see US! I know this because my daughter is with me every second of every day. 
Bella talks to me. She calls me “MaMma” and tells me to be patient, that all will come together in time. She says that love is the answer to all. She also tells me we need to embrace death when it’s inevitable because it’s something our souls choose. She knew she wasn’t here for long and she made the most out of every moment she had here. 
I miss my baby girl and would give anything to hug her once again. I’m thankful that I am aware of her presence and she will continue to give me these signs because I welcome them. This is all part of my mission so I will #StayStrong❤️ for Bella!