I feel sad. A dark haze envelops me. It’s constantly there although it’s easier to ignore when the sun shines through. Sunny days are rare but I embrace the sun when it chooses to show itself. Dark clouds build but the sun refuses to let it take over. It has become more challenging to look for the sunny moments so these days I wait patiently for the bright moments to make their appearance. Those who surround me hold these beams of light.
I feel exhausted. I stay focused on what needs to be done. I set small goals and then feel defeated every time I fail to accomplish the things I plan to. All of my energy is going to my rainbow baby. It’s about taking care of baby first and getting things accomplished when I can.
I am quiet but calm. I have settled in to this uncomfortable place. I shed my skin and try to blend in but the scars of child loss are much too dark to camouflage, even in this dark haze. I accept that. My scars are now a part of who I am and I chose to live without a mask.
Scars can make others feel uncomfortable, especially when you show them off to the world. The people who care enough to look past the scars and into the pain are the ones who will get see the rainbows!