What an incredible day! We went to see Colette Baron-Reid in Sudbury today on her “Messages from Spirit” tour. For anyone not familiar with Colette, she is a world-renowned spiritual intuitive/medium/author (and so much more). I was in awe as I watched the messages unfold for people clinging to a glimmer of hope to hear that their loved ones are okay on the other side.
It was interesting that the only person I knew in the room happened to be sitting right in front of me. I watched and listened as her mother-in-law received a love-filled message from her departed husband and daughter.
We witnessed a lot of healing take place as people heard from loved ones who died suddenly, took their own lives, suffered from addictions (one mother heard from her son who died of an overdose), and husbands who left their beloved wives in the physical realm. There were some apologies from spirit while other people received reassurance that their loved ones may not be physically here but they are still with us!
I had a feeling that other people would be needing messages more than me so I wasn’t expecting to hear from Bella. She didn’t come through during the show but when I met Colette after show, I handed her a Bella Angel card and told her it was my daughter. She wanted to connect with Bella, so she did, and the main message she received for me was personal and private. She talked about my relationship and career, which is pretty interesting because I was hoping to get a message about my career. I already know how special my relationship is, and it never hurts to have that confirmed.
Healing comes in all forms but when a loved one dies, nothing is more comforting than proof that they are still with you. Once you open yourself up to the idea that there is more to the universe than what we can see, you can understand that death doesn’t exist because souls aren’t born, they transition back and forth from spirit to physical.
To anyone who is experiencing grief, #StayStrong❤️ Please take comfort in knowing that your loved one has never left you! Grief is part of the human experience, the illusion of separation. It’s a normal process to grieve, but we don’t have to be a victim forever.
On our way home, I decided to look up at the sky through the sunroof, which is not something I ever do. There in the sky above me was a streak that looked like a faint rainbow. I took a deep breath and whispered “Thank you, Bella!”❤️👼
Life after loss is much more complex than anyone can imagine. There’s learning to live again, learning to be happy, and also accepting the emptiness that will never disappear. There’s acknowledging the loss and then there is accepting it. I’m still learning to acknowledge it, observing life without Bella and imagining how life would be if she were still here.
It’s been 11 months since her transition. Eleven months since I have seen and touched her, or smelled her sweet breath. As time passes, I fear that her memory will fade. So far it has remained strong but will it be this way in a year? A decade? How can I forget my child? But memories DO fade… So I continue to hold on to what I remember in this moment, and I am grateful.
Grief can really bring life into perspective if you allow yourself to be open to it. Most parents appreciate the pleasant moments, such as when your kids are calm and cooperative. For parents of loss, we are grateful for what was. Grief has brought me a new awareness of what IS. Of what life is… And it is beautiful. Life IS BELLA❤️
Living in the present moment has brought me a new found strength I didn’t realize existed. It’s not always easy to do, but the ability to stay grounded is one of the most important things I have learned in the last year. Staying aware and present during traumatic moments can help us get through them. I was able to focus and do what I needed to for Bella in the last moments I had with her rather than panic. Now I am trying to apply this to my everyday life. Presence in life helps bring gratitude. Pay attention because beauty is all around you!
My grief has also helped me put things into perspective in this huge universe. This allows me to see that I’m not alone and that there is a greater purpose to life, death and loss. As Wayne Dyer says, “We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” I have been able to separate my spirit self from my human self and understand that it’s the human part of me that is experiencing grief. My spirit self understands that death does not exist because humans are made of energy and energy does not die. Bella isn’t dead and she has proven time and again that she hasn’t left me! My spirit self also understands that our children are not created FOR us. They are not OURS but are separate souls here for their own reasons. Bella has her own mission, completely separate from mine. Part of her life purpose was to teach me many lessons. I know that I was meant to experience grief and she came to teach me about this.
In this moment I am in awe of the words escaping from my fingertips as I type. I had an emotional day because I miss my baby girl and wanted to write about the pain, and this is what is coming to me.
I am awake. My eyes are wide open. I observe. I breathe it in and appreciate it. ALL of it. The experience of it. The human perspective of the experience. I appreciate the pain because it is proof of the love I feel for my baby girl. I appreciate the memories because they are proof of Bella’s life. And I appreciate Bella for waking me up.
The open wound is now covered by a scab. Occasionally the skin stretches which causes the scab to break open and bleed, but the scab is there and the wound is healing. #StayStrong❤️
I was woken up by a kiss and an “I love you mommy!” Hudson has been very excited about Mother’s Day this year. “It’s Modder’s Day!” He couldn’t wait to give me the gifts he worked so hard to make. I’m impressed that he was able to keep a secret for 2 whole days. My baby is growing up, the boy who made me a mommy. ❤️
I wasn’t even out of bed yet and the pain flooded me. And then the guilt came for feeling sadness after my son just gave me some very special gifts. It’s hard not to feel that emptiness when what comes next should be Bella’s little arms and sweet kisses.
Mother’s Day is a time to celebrate our Mothers, but it’s also a special day that we celebrate our children, the precious lives that we have created. It doesn’t matter how old your child is, our babies are our most precious gifts.
Today was very difficult. I forced myself to stay off Facebook as seeing all the photos of happy moms with their kids was unbearable. The pain of what reminders today brings are inevitable but nothing can ever take away the fact that I am Bella’s mommy. Nothing can take away my pain either, but I need to remember more today than ever that Bella chose ME. No matter what comes along with that, I am honoured to have been the one woman out of billions that she chose.
My role as her mommy has changed but that doesn’t change the love I feel for her, how proud I am of her, and the importance of our relationship. Instead of hugging and kissing her, taking care of her and teaching her how to live, I now ache for her hugs and kisses and teach others about her. Every day is a fight to keep her memory alive.
The best day of my life was the day I became a mommy. Both times. Hudson and Bella, thank you for choosing me! XO
Motherhood starts in pregnancy. You see that double line and in that same breath you get excited, panic, then plan out your child’s entire life. No one knows what will happen from that moment on but sometimes our plans are shattered. Some mommies never get to hold their babies, and others get to for but a moment. I am thankful I got to enjoy 19 months with my baby girl because some people aren’t as fortunate.
Today I am wishing a very special Happy Mother’s Day to all the Angel Mommies of the world. It’s the hardest role for any parent to play. I especially want to send love to the mommies who didn’t have the chance to know your babies because you are too often forgotten.
And most of all, Happy Mother’s Day to my mommy and Nonna, the only people in the world who feel my pain. We are in this journey together; we hold each other up and keep each other going. Mom, I don’t know where I would be without you. Thank for you for helping me #StayStrong❤️