I was on a mission to heal my grieving heart. I believed that if I could heal myself, I could help other grieving hearts heal too. I felt strong and happy, and thought the worst days were behind me.
Then, on the 5th Anniversary of my daughter’s death, grief came crashing down around me, except I had no idea what hit me. Grief was in front of me, but I failed to recognize it.
Life threw me a few unexpected hits earlier this year, and a few devastating incidents later, I wasn’t coping very well.
Then, we celebrated the grand opening of Bella’s Splash Pad less than a week before her 5th Angelversary. I hadn’t expected the celebration to be an emotional one. It was, however, much more than that. It felt as though I was reliving the day of her funeral all over again. Raw grief tore open a healing scab and I began to bleed once more. I’ve spent the last 3 months putting band-aids on this fresh wound hoping it would go away.
But I know better than this.
Grief doesn’t heal on its own. The only way to heal a grieving heart is through the pain. You can’t hide from grief. It lingers until you look it straight in the face and succumb to it.
I had expectations of my own grief. I thought that because I was feeling healed, it meant that I was healed. But I misinterpreted what I was feeling and ended up lying to myself.
The law of gravity states that what goes up must come down. Roller coasters have their twists and turns, and it’s a ride you can’t predict.
The only thing predictable about grief is that it’s unpredictable.
Child-loss is a lifelong journey. My child died, and with her went a piece of myself. I can never be whole again, nor do I want to be! She left this empty space that is now filled with love, but that space still belongs to her and emptiness will always remain where Bella should be!
Rainbows and Bella’s signs from heaven are a great way to feel her presence, but nothing can replace the feeling of holding your child in your arms.
I am forever changed because of my daughter. And if that means I will break every once in a while, then I choose to embrace that.
Grief has it’s own life. Enjoy the good days, and experience the bad days for what they are. Feel them; be with them.
Hold yourself through them.
Find peace in them. Somehow. Because experiencing them is the price of the love that will always remain.
Grief is a reminder that a piece of you resides in heaven.
It’s been a journey of learning to be okay with not being okay.
Just for a little while.
Because the pain will recede once it’s been expressed, and the scab will begin healing again.
And better days will come.
Much love and #StayStrong❤️