No amount of time could have prepared me for this moment. I don’t think I will ever feel ready to embark on this journey. But it has begun. It’s real. And there is no going back.
The instant that double line appears, a million thoughts begin to flood your mind. In the chaos of emotions, you sort through all your wishes and fears. You feel excitement, bliss, anxiety and panic all at the same time.
Is it too soon? Am I ready? How can this be happening? How will Hudson take the news? What this affect the rest of the family?
A rainbow appears at the end of a storm. The term “rainbow baby” is given to a child conceived after the loss of a child.
We are having a RAINBOW!!!!
Photo credit: Kate Demore Photography
I’m unraveling again. Slowly but incessantly. Sleep deprivation and hormones are tugging at the frayed ropes that hold me together. I’m scared and I can’t control it. The heaviness in my chest won’t subside and I feel it crushing my heart one breath at a time. The hand of grief is around my throat and refuses to let me breathe. I’m suffocating and as I gasp for air I am thankful for another breath.
These moments are overwhelming and all I can do is fight. Fight to breathe. Fight to cry. Fight to hold on to the memories. Fight my fears.
I rip the hand from my throat and stand my ground. I take back this moment and open my eyes as one last tear rolls down my cheek.
I feel weak. But sometimes our weak moments take over only when we are strong enough to handle them.
I’ve always been an emotional person. I’m what you would call a “highly sensitive person.” I feel things most people don’t which can be intense. It sometimes impacts my ability to function and causes physical discomforts. The weird part of it all is how often I have no idea what is happening to me or why!
My ability to feel other people’s energy can overwhelm me making it difficult to tell if what I am experiencing is my emotion to own or if it’s something I’m picking up from someone else. Since discovering that I’m an empath I most often credit the unexplained emotions to other people and refuse ownership. I have found that by recognizing the source I am able to “let go” of the feelings and quickly bounce back from it. Reiki is a great tool to help with this.
But what happens when we know the emotion is ours to own but we don’t understand the cause?
I am strong and can get trough anything. This is what I’m told and I do believe it on some level. I have a harder time saying those words to myself, especially in the last few weeks.
Change is scary, and I’m starting a new job on Monday. I’m certain this will be a positive experience for me and that it is causing some anxiety. I do not think it’s causing the majority of what I am feeling though.
My heart beats hard and I feel scared. I feel pressure in my head and I’m sensitive to noise. I fell “off centre.”
It’s time to explore what’s hiding within the depths of my soul and uncover this unknown fear. Tonight, I write down my soul and start by ripping my heart wide open again.
I may be afraid but I refuse to let fear take me over!
I came home from Maui with a plan and the excitement was seeping from my pores. I finally knew what I needed to do and I had a plan. I set goals and was doing well with achieving them. Then things changed. It wasn’t one thing, it was simply life. It got in the way of my plans.
My intentions were good and pure, but I needed myself more. I started feeling overwhelmed and tired. I wasn’t sure what was happening to me but my body was telling me I needed to slow down. So I did what I do best and listened to my body.
I’m in extreme self-care mode. All else comes next. I’m in the process of restructuring life to allow as much self-care as I need, which is more on some days than others. The key for me has been flexibility. Not every day is a guarantee so I do what I can when I can. I’m grateful for the productive days but I am learning to be just as grateful for the lazy ones.
Our bodies are powerful and somehow know what we need when our brains fail to recognize it. I have never been so in tune with my body. I feel deep gratitude for this temple of life housing my soul and will treat it with nothing but the respect it deserves.
Every day is a new opportunity to achieve greatness. When I wake up well and energetic, I embrace the opportunity to create something special.
I’m still working on the art of extreme self-care but so far it involves eating when I’m hungry, napping when I’m tired or meditating when I can’t sleep. It involves deep gratitude for each moment and focusing on being present. Im simply taking care of me and allowing myself to BE in this moment called NOW.
How do you excise self-care? What are you doing to take care of yourself today?
Much Love XO