Angels come in different forms. They come to help us at the most unexpected times. They advise us, guide us, save us. My experience is a little different than most people’s angel encounters as I gave birth to mine. I held her, rocked her, fed her, slept with her. She is a part of me. She was born into a physical body and lived here for 19 months. She was a gift, the greatest blessing I could have hoped for. She came and woke me up. She taught me that nothing is more precious than time; spend it wisely. Life is sacred; cherish it. Nothing lasts forever so don’t waste a moment. Enjoy it when things are good and appreciate the lessons struggles bring. Look for rainbows because every storm has one. It’s the beauty in life that makes it worth living so don’t waste your time looking for darkness. Tell the people you love how grateful you are for them. Be thankful for all the miracles in life. If you open your eyes you will see that they exist everywhere.
I am grateful for my family. They surrounded me with love today and we once again held each other up. We sent pink balloons up to Bella in heaven. At one point the balloons formed a heart, although I didn’t capture a picture of it as I was staring in awe.
A year ago today, my angel got her wings. Happy Angelversary sweet baby girl. Thank you for choosing me💕
I shared some of Bella with Larder Lake.
The strongest boy I know❤️
“I love SIS”
Balloon release. You can kind of see the heart (it had begun separating by the time I captured it).
Exactly one year ago, I was out at a concert enjoying myself for the first time in a long time. I had kissed my baby girl goodnight and left as my broken-hearted son clung to me, tears streaming down his face begging me not to leave.
In the car, my friend looked over at me and told me we didn’t have to go, he didn’t mind staying in with the kids. I said to him “let’s go. I need this!” And off we went to see Simple Plan.
So many people were happy to see me out having fun. We even went out after the concert. It had been a long time since I had been anywhere. I had been going through such a difficult time, I really needed the break, the escape. I was at a turning point and learning that as a mother, I have needs too. That night was a huge first step in reclaiming my life.
Life was chaotic. When I tell people that Bella was a handful, it’s assumed she was a typical active child. There was nothing typical about her. She tested me in every possible way she could and introduced me to my breaking point. Add in the stress of a broken home and a 5 year old who was struggling emotionally. The 3 of us were a disaster, but we loved each other. My kids were my whole world and I know I was also theirs.
It’s hard sitting here picturing myself having fun that night a year ago knowing what was about to happen. I have thought about how that night played out countless times. How I chose to do something fun, for myself. How my kids were with my parents. How I was feeling like a teenager, wild and free. How I woke up the next morning not feeling well. How my mom had such a rough night with Bella and called to tell me she was still sleeping. How could mom have known anything was wrong? Bella never slept anywhere but with me and her nights were always rough.
How my mom was the one to find her. That is something I would give anything to take from her…
Tonight I sit on the beach in front of my house. It may not be Maui, but it’s still beautiful. A momma duck as her ducklings pass by me. It’s her job to protect those babies. But if she didn’t take care of herself, she would no longer be able to care for them. As their mom she would do everything she could to protect them, to make sure they are happy, healthy and well. If something were to happen to one of her babies, it wouldn’t be her fault.
Life is unpredictable and bad things can and do happen every single day. The important thing is how we cope when these bad things happen.
Had I stayed home that night, Bella would still be gone. I am certain of this. She chose to leave this realm and it’s up to us how we choose to cope with what happened.
Tomorrow will be a difficult day for us, but we will all be together.
Please help honour Bella’s memory by wearing pink tomorrow. Thank you for the love and support.
What would life be like if you were still here? This is a question I will ask every single day for the rest of my life. What would you look like? What kinds of things would you like? How would your personality have changed? How would you still be the same?
Would you still cling to me like I was your lifeline? Would you be just as independent and insist on doing everything on your own? Would you be just as persistent and determined to get your way? Would you still try to climb everything in sight?
What about sleep? Would you still fight it with every breath? Or would we finally be getting some rest at night? Would you still be sleeping in my bed with me, cuddled up tight? How I miss those days…
Would you love your brother just as much, and still share your toys with him? Would you give him as many hugs and kisses as you always did? I bet you’ve never stopped…
What about your dog, Buddy, who you loved so much. Would you still try to hug and kiss him, or maybe play with him? You probably do this every day…
I see you every day, somewhere, somehow… I see your smile, hear your whisper, feel your kiss. I feel tingles when you touch me. I know it’s you because when I start to think about you, I will suddenly feel tingles. It happens every time.
Your brother dreams about you. He misses you so much. It still makes him sad to think about you, but when he plays with you in his dreams he always wakes up happy. Please don’t ever stop visiting him like this.
I miss you, baby girl. We all do. It still doesn’t seem real. I keep hoping I will wake up from this nightmare and you will be in my arms safe and sound. But I am wide awake and reality is nothing will ever be the same.
Thank you for letting me know you are with me. Your reflection will never fade. I can’t feel you physically but I feel your presence and can hear your words. Please keep talking to me, I will always listen. Knowing you are here helps me #StayStrong❤️
Emotional healing requires work, and this can put a strain on your body. A week in paradise for me was actually time spent on healing and took effort. The location made it easier for me to do this work but I have to remind myself that just because I was on Maui does not mean I was on vacation.
I may have spent some time relaxing and exploring, typical things people do on vacation, but the rest of the time was about deep soul work. This involved feeling, writing, and looking into the hole in my heart and searching for truths I was too afraid to see before that time.
Learning about yourself is difficult because sometimes we don’t want to admit things to ourselves. Some things are simply too painful to admit and the fear of what those thoughts can do to us physically can prevent them from surfacing. I believe that holding these thoughts inside can cause much more pain than releasing them and working through issues. This is why it was so important for me to do this.
In Maui, I let the truth come. It flooded out of me so fast that I didn’t realize what happened. I reached for the sand and held on for my life. But a moment later, once I caught my breath, I realized I was still alive. The truth was painful, but it didn’t stop my heart this time.
I can’t speak for others who have experienced this but for me dying once was enough. The day after Bella left me, I chose to go with her. The bright white tunnel of light really does exist and your loved ones really are on the other side waiting for you. I know because I have seen it. I begged Bella to grab my hand and take me with her. Her words were clear: “Hudson needs you more.”
I accepted coming back so I could be Hudson’s mommy. But since that day I have feared facing the pain because now that I have made the choice to live, I don’t want to leave my son. I feared going back to the source of that near death experience would lead me to that same place.
Emotional pain hurts physically. Losing my child was the worst pain I have ever felt. I’m strong enough now to face it. My fear of death is gone.
My soul healing journey on Maui left my immune system depleted and my body is struggling to get back to normal. This is a small price to pay for the amount of healing that took place. I need to rest and get back on my feet but once things are back to normal (whatever that means), I can finally begin the next chapter of my healing journey.
I am finally home after the most incredible vacation. I had not expected that the quick descent from my Maui high would leave me sick and scattered. An unexpected end to the most amazing time of my life. I guess great things sometimes come with a price.
After 2 days on the road, I did not go straight home but instead went to a Steak BBQ/Silent Auction fundraiser that our Friends of Larder committee and local Lions Club organized. Much of the fundraising efforts will be going directly to Bella’s Splash Pad, a memorial for my darling angel.
The anniversary of Bella’s passing is fast approaching. A part of me feels like an eternity has passed since I last saw her, probably because so many things have happened this past year. The other part of me can’t believe it’s already been almost a year. Then I think back to that tragic day.
The one positive thing about that day (my new self always looks for a positive) is how I was surrounded by my loving family. We were all there holding each other up at the most difficult moment any of us had ever faced. Tragedies can bring families closer together but my family already was as close as I thought you could get. After spending weeks together and continuing to hold each other up, we are now even closer.
The one thing I continued to hear from hospital staff who were working on that tragic day was how incredibly close my family is. They had never witnessed so much love and support. I grew up surrounded by love so I thought this was normal. Now I know how blessed I am.
The same support comes from our small community who were deeply affected by Bella’s sudden passing. On the day of her funeral, our entire town was a sea of pink. Anyone who knew Bella or were touched by her in some way woke pink to celebrate her life. The support continues as people express their love and concern, read my written words, and sincerely care about my family and I.
Now that we are officially raising money for a Splash Pad as a memorial for Bella, the support continues to grow and includes surrounding communities who have donated money or gifts and attended our fundraising events. Last night I came home to open arms of love. I truly am surrounded by blessings.
Thank you to everyone who has reached out to my family and I. Your thoughtfulness will never be forgotten. And thank you to everyone supporting Bella’s memorial project. Every little bit helps get us that much closer to our $150,000 goal.
Even during our darkest days, there is much to be grateful for. It’s during these times that we have to search a little harder. Thank you to my family for being my light. I love you. ❤️
It’s my last day in Maui. I knew before arriving that there was something special about this place. Maui is an energy vortex, the heart chakra of planet earth. It’s the ideal place to go to heal a broken heart. It’s also the rainbow state where everyone greets you with love. Bella knew exactly what she was doing when she sent me here💕
What I hadn’t expected was the depth of emotion I feel about this island. I feel the love deep in my bones and it radiates within me. Love for nature, love for others, and most importantly, love for myself.
The sights on Maui moved me in a way I have never experienced. Everything is so beautiful, it brings me to tears. Every tear I shed felt wonderful as each were drops of gratitude escaping from the depths of my soul.
I came here to attend a “Writing From Your Soul” workshop with Wayne Dyer and Doreen Virtue. I was surrounded by like-minded souls, each on their own journey, every one with a story to tell. It was comforting to be heard without being judged and to listen and understand that I’m not alone. No one is ever alone. There is something greater in every single one of us that connects us. This force pulled each of us to Maui for the same reason and each of us will leave somehow different than when we arrived.
I took a huge leap in coming here, completely stepping out of my comfort zone. I’m so thankful I had the courage to do it. I had lost myself but feel connected again. I have been able to reconnect with Bella. I haven’t felt alone during this trip because I feel her here. I hear her words.
Bella wants me to let go of the pain. She tells me there are big things to come for us and I need to heal in order to complete this mission. She tells me life with her “wasn’t meant to be easy. I was here to teach.” She taught me many things in her short life, including how far I could be pushed until I broke. Bella broke me, but this allowed me to break through after she left me.
I haven’t explored these dark parts of my journey yet in fear that it would lead me back to death. Literally feeling that it could kill me. It already did once and as wonderful as heaven is, I have too much work to do here and can’t go home just yet. But I now feel ready to do this difficult work. In doing so I will learn even more lessons from my daughter. Then I can teach them to the world.
We fight to hold on and we fight to let go. I am finally ready to let go.
My offering to Pele, which included Bella’s ashes, a piece of quartz from back home (from my soul sister) and love and protection in the form of Young Living’s White Angelica (essential oil) . Pele accepted it with honour and gratitude💕
In Majestic Maui, the broken Goddess stirs. A fire is burning from deep within. She feels an ocean wave wash over her like a blanket and as it recedes it takes with it an ounce of pain. The rhythm of the waves reminds her of a slowed heartbeat grasping on to life by a thread. Time stands still. She realizes all that she thought she knew was but a spec of dust floating in a sea of pink sparkles. When all you see is darkness, all else remains untouched to observation. As her eyes open, she understands in the depths of her soul that the sparkles were always at her side even though she couldn’t see them. The act of observing the sparkles doesn’t alter their existence but brings more life into them. This is love, and it causes them to move faster and faster. They begin to dance to the rhythm of the waves. The strength and speed of the waves increases and the heartbeat fills with life once more. The Goddess closes her eyes for a moment, inhales deeply and feels the vibration of the dance. When she opens them, something has changed. The sparkles are now moving so quickly, they are no longer separate. They are one. They are light, pure love. She sees the beautiful light on Majestic Maui and whispers with gratitude, “Thank you Bella.”❤️
Less than 2 weeks after Bella made her transition back to the spirit world, I decided to start a blog as a way to document my journey as an angel mom. I had no idea what would come of this project but hoped that sharing my words would offer some healing, not only to myself but also to others who are on their own journey of grief. As I sit here 11 months later, I see that nothing has changed for me. I expected to see how far I have come but instead I understand that this long roller coaster ride I’ve been on has come full circle. I am grateful for the clarity I saw so soon after my daughter’s passing and also grateful for the pain that finally came. The flow of blood from this open wound in my chest is slowing once more and today I wipe my tears with a smile on my face. I will always miss her but I no longer feel the need to suffer. #StayStrong❤️
Click HERE to see first post on original blog.
I feel so blessed to have spent an entire weekend with people who were not uncomfortable with my truth. Not one single person reacted in discomfort when I told them about Bella. This was extremely unexpected. I am grateful to be around like-minded people who understand the illusion of death. 45 minutes before I landed on Maui, the kind lady I sat with on the plane asked me how many children I have. I answered honestly, as I always will. I then spent the next 45 minutes wanting to hug her, to comfort her and explain why everything is okay.
It’s a wonderful feeling when anyone asks me about Bella. I WANT to talk about her and I always will. The fact that she’s no longer here in her physical form does not take her presence away from me. It does not mean I will be sad for the rest of my life. In fact, I am grateful she was here for 19 months and I will hold on to those memories for all of eternity. She is still here with me, just in a different form.
Don’t pity me because I lost my daughter. Be happy for me because I had the opportunity to be Bella’s mommy.
Bella, thank you for being my angel.
Click HERE for article: “To The Mom I Didn’t Mind Making Uncomfortable At The Playgroung”