Yesterday marked 2 months since Bella’s transition. It feels like an eternity has passed since I last hugged my sweet angel, yet it flew by so fast. It’s probably normal to feel that way after something so traumatic, when so much happens in such a short period of time.
It still mostly feels like a bad dream, but now I have moments of reality that seep through this haze. The veil is starting to lift ever so slowly and as much I want to pull it back down, I’m letting it do what it needs to. I need to feel in order to heal.
I still lack motivation for anything physical, including cleaning. My kitchen is a disaster thanks to a bug infestation in my pantry. Just what I needed because I am not dealing with enough… And my “to do” list keeps growing by the hour. At this rate, I’ll never catch up. On the other hand, at least I will always have a distraction when I need it. Maybe that’s why the bugs came. Maybe Bella brought them here to distract me. Maybe I should have a talk with her about proper ways to get my attention!
Bella was at her daycare the other day. One of her friends saw her and pointed to her. She was playing in the sandbox, beside another one of her friends. I’m sure she’s there every day but confirmation is always nice.
Part of my healing process is to go through all the photos of Bella’s life. I started yesterday by going through and sharing photos of her birth. That day was such a gift. I was on a mission to experience my vision of “a perfect birth” and I succeeded. It was beautiful. I apologize if some people are offended by some of the photos I posted. I feel that something this beautiful needs to be shared. It’s about Bella, remembering and celebrating her life. I plan to share every moment of her life in order to give her memories life. The more people who share in these memories, the more people she touches and the stronger her memory becomes.
If anyone has any photos of Bella, could you please email them to me? Every single photo becomes even more precious when you know there will never be another opportunity to take more. Thank you so much❤️and please share! firstname.lastname@example.org
Waiting is torture. When you wait for something that you know could happen literally any second, life is on hold. You avoid making plans of any sort in order to remain available – just in case. But as Murphy’s law would have it, the ONE day I plan to go out of town, the ONE time I decide to do something for ME, that’s when it happens.
Friday morning started off pretty great. I woke up happy and excited. I had an appointment in Sudbury to see someone for Quantum Healing Hypnosis (past life regression) and was planning to meet up with a friend I haven’t seen in 2 years. I was looking forward to getting away for the day, just me and my music for hours. Therapy, followed by healing!
10 minutes after I left home, I happened to look down at my phone. I missed a call from “Unknown ID” and they left a message. Seconds later, it rang again. It was one of the police officers on Bella’s case. She was wondering if I could meet with her that morning, then we lost the connection and I had no cell service.
I drove to Englehart and decided to turn right instead of left. When she called again, I told her I was on my way. No one knew where I was and I decided to go on my own. I’m not sure what I was thinking.
They had answers. Answers that only led to more questions. Answers that didn’t make any sense. In that instant, a piece of me that was hanging on for dear life finally broke off and shattered against the wall.
I often wondered if knowing what happened to Bella would make things easier, and I’m still not convinced. I hope to speak with the coroner soon to ask him many questions. Although I hope to get some more answers, I have a strong feeling that much will remain a mystery. She didn’t have any symptoms. She seemed perfectly fine, other than a mild cold (like all kids in daycare) and not wanting to sleep (her whole life). She was happy, energetic and seemed quite healthy. How can something like this happen?
I needed to get away so I spent the rest of the day in Timmins with my girl brothers. Bella was with me on the drive home. I think she was trying to tell me that everything is going to be okay. She kept turning the ceiling light on in the car, then my satellite radio kept losing service (which was happening all afternoon) so I told her “Bella, if that’s you playing with the radio, please stop” and both stopped immediately. When I got home, the car light came on once again as I turned into the driveway.
Hudson woke up with a fever this morning. He didn’t want to lay in my bed with me but wanted to lay in Bella’s bed instead. He turned on her aquarium and soft music filled the room. He noticed a purple shirt under him and asked if it was Bella’s shit. I said “no, honey, that’s Mommy’s shirt.” He looked disappointed, then said “mommy, I want one of Bella’s shirts so I can hug it because I can’t hug Bella because she’s gone.” 💔
I cried, and hugged Hudson. Then he asked “mommy, I made you sad?” and he had tears coming down his cheeks. This broke me even more. He truly thought that I was that upset because of him. I explained to him that I was sad because Bella was gone, hugged him, then went into Bella’s room.
I tried to find a shirt but there are so many bins piled on top of one another. The tears were streaming down my face and I felt as though I was suffocating. I tried to focus on finding a shirt but I couldn’t find any so I started taking bins down and finally found some of her pajamas. I took 2 pairs (one for him, one for me) and 2 of her toys (again, one for him and one for me), left the mess and hurried back to my boy.
He stayed in her bed for quite a while, and I laid in my bed and let myself feel. I cried and for once I didn’t hold back.
I feel the walls starting to come down around me. I’m still fighting it but I’m definitely starting to feel the pain. It started last night. I walked into my room and went to give Buddy (my dog) a kiss goodnight and he was laying by Bella’s crib. I looked up and peered through the bars and could visualize her sleeping on her belly. Her hair was messy and slightly damp from sweat. Her back was slowly rising and falling. Then she was gone and I felt nothing but pain. I have a gaping wound where my heart used to be.
Life is unfair. No one should ever have to feel pain this deep.
It’s finally starting to sink in, but I’m fighting it with every ounce of strength I have in me. She’s not coming back. This is not a dream. I am wide awake.
I’m exhausted. I sleep but it never seems to be enough. I’m emotionally drained, and this kind of tired is not easy to fix.
My life is at a standstill but I want it this way. So much will be changing in the next coming weeks that I’m not ready for. Hudson will be back in school in 2 weeks. I have to think about going back to work. So many changes are happening all around me that I can’t even begin to describe.
The worst part of losing a child is the reality that life has to go on without her. It HAS to… But I don’t want it to. I want to freeze time because every moment that passes is a moment farther from the last time I saw her. But time goes by. Birthdays come and go and people get older. We experience new things, learn and grow. Family members leave home, get new jobs, start new lives. New people come into our lives, people Bella never met. How can these things still happen in a world without her? It still makes no sense to me. How can she not be here to experience these things with us?
We went to check out the new playground that’s being built down the street. It breaks me to know she will never get to enjoy it. We went to the old one we used to go to as a family, and all the memories tear me apart. It doesn’t matter where we go or what we do, everything reminds me of her.
Memories are the most valuable thing any human can possess. I may be so blessed to have these priceless keepsakes, yet at the same time they cause so much pain. It’s bittersweet. But I can’t stop thinking about her. I wouldn’t want to no matter how much it hurts.
I continue to stand tall and strong. Patience is keeping me grounded. I wait by the phone, hoping it will ring at any moment. Patiently wait for answers that we may never receive.
And so here I wait, broken, with my memories…
#StayStrong❤️ #BrokenMemories #IMissYou
I miss being the first one up. It’s when I felt most inspired to write and it’s the only time the words flow out effortlessly. I also miss staying up late to read after everyone goes to bed. I miss my family all being here. Life has to go on for all of us, but I’m just not ready.
It feels as though time is standing still for me as I watch everyone around me live their lives. New babies, new jobs, new apartments in new cities, new opportunities for new lives. I am stagnant yet everyone around me is moving on. I wouldn’t want it any other way. My time will come too but that time is not now.
For me it’s been new ways of communicating with my daughter, new ways she makes her presence known, new books to help me get through this difficult transition and a new me that is the result of all these things.
For me it’s still about being strong for my family while we wait for answers.
For me is coping with all the change, and that unfortunately means less of many things. Less people around, less commotion, less hugs, less chaos. Oh how I miss the chaos.
I miss my grandmother visiting us every day. I miss waking up with 2 kids cuddling in my bed. I miss my good morning “I won’t ever let you go” hugs. I miss Barney and Elmo. I miss watching Hudson and Bella play, laugh and be silly. I miss seeing Hudson be the best, most loving big brother in the world. I miss not being able to take my eyes off her for a second because she was fearless and a safety hazard. I miss trying to get things done and her being at my feet complaining that I wasn’t giving her attention. I miss the sleepless nights and the frustration of getting Bella to bed every single night of her short life. I even miss the days of colic!
I would go back to the most difficult days of my life because I would give anything to see my baby girl again. She has pushed me (over and over) to limits I never knew existed. I learned so much from her in such a short time.
Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. Being a single parent is even harder, and then multiply that by 2! Everyone has bad days, and it’s ok to occasionally vent about it, but just remember that there are people out there who would give anything to have those bad days once again💔. In an instant, all my frustration suddenly became a permanent hole, a wound so great that nothing can ever make it better.
Those difficult days are a blessing.
“Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.” -Marilyn Monroe
Here is a peek at one of our many challenging days, but I still managed to find the happy moments❤️
#StayStrong❤️ #Appreciation #DifficultDays #FindTheHappy
It’s 3am and I lie awake in bed alone wishing I could go back to the days that I wondered when I would sleep again. It’s one thing to experience difficulties in life and wish time away. It’s another to willingly give absolutely anything to go back to those difficult days.
I feel guilty that I wished time away. I couldn’t wait until things got a little bit easier. I couldn’t wait for Bella to sleep at night, in her own bed, in her own bedroom. And here I am, awake and alone, wishing I could roll over and touch her soft hair and listen to her heart beating.
Be careful what you wish for because it just might come true. You don’t get moments back. Even the difficult times have some positive in them. Back when I forgot what sleep was, I was thankful Bella was no longer screaming all day (colic taught me a lot) and grateful that she was happy. Even after 4 hours of sleep (max)
I still woke up every morning singing silly songs to the kids because it put us in a good mood and was a great way to start the day.
Right now, despite the unbearable pain I feel every moment, I still manage to find the happy moments every single day. I don’t wake up singing anymore (not yet, anyway) but we manage to have fun. We make time every day for cuddles, laughs, and take frequent selfies. It’s so important to pay attention to those little things, because they add up fast, and together they are pretty powerful!
#ProjectLife #HappyMoments #Selfie #StayStrong❤️
It’s amazing how much impact one book can have. When I spoke with Brian (the medium) he mentioned that I would be receiving a book as a gift and it would give me insight into heaven that would help me heal. I assumed the book I had received in the mail the day before was that book, but one of my best friends called me after listening to the recording of my session with Brian and said “Oh my God! I have the book!” And so I’m now 2/3 of the way through that book, and yes, dear friend, you were right. Thank you for this book! (I high recommend it and you can order it on amazon for a great price!)
We are a very spiritual family. We believe in God, heaven, fate, and that there is so much more to life than we can begin to imagine. We have been talking a lot about these things because it’s helping us cope with losing Bella, but we tend to talk about these things on a regular basis. Like I’ve said previously, I’ve been given these beliefs for a reason and they are helping me cope with the greatest loss anyone can ever experience.
We recently discussed miscarriage, stillbirth and abortion, and what happens to these souls. I never thought about a miscarriage being a death until a friend told me about her experience after her miscarriage that confirmed for me beyond any doubt that her fetus had a soul. I have never had an opinion on abortion other than knowing I would never have one under any circumstances, but it only makes sense that there is a soul occupying those tiny bodies too. (I am not saying any of this to offend anyone who has had an abortion and rest assured that those souls are well and have likely entered new bodies – you cannot harm a soul, and it may have very well been their life purpose for you to experience such a thing.)
As for religion, I was raises a catholic but rarely go to church. I have a difficult time listening about “sin” and how we are punished for doing anything against God’s will. I do believe religion has an important purpose, but it becomes a world-wide issue when humans kill because they believe their religion is the “right” one. “One God – many faiths” is a more accurate way to see it, and I hope one day the world can accept this.
This book has also helped me decide how I want to celebrate Bella’s birthday this year. Humanity is losing communal values which is creating barriers. I want to remind people that our souls are all connected in this world in hopes of breaking down some of these barriers. Small acts of kindness can make a huge impact in this world and don’t have to cost a cent. 5 or 10 minutes of your time can turn around someone’s entire day. So this year on November 14 I will be asking people to help me break down these barriers by doing something nice for someone else. I’ll be asking that people do this to honour Princess Isabella. Together, we can change the world.
Click HERE to purchase Theresa Caputo’s book.
#TheresaCaputo #LongIslandMedium #RandomActsOfKindness #StayStrong