“10 months without you and all I have left to hold onto are rainbows.”
They say time heals all wounds but this one seems to hurt more as the weeks go by, time acting like salt in the greatest wound imaginable. Painful reminders surround me of all that is missing. Seeing children her age celebrate birthdays and other milestones, things Bella will never get to experience. The world seems so unfair.
Another night of tears and feeling pain that I spent months begging for and all I could think was “why does love have hurt so much?” Love itself is a blessing, true bliss. Love between two people forms a bond and it is when something changes this bond that results in pain. As much as it feels that my bond with Bella has been severed, it has merely taken on a new form. Nothing could sever a bond as strong as ours. “Love doesn’t hurt, love is beautiful, and I’d rather feel this pain forever than not ever know your love.”
The universe is complex, beyond the understanding of any human. Throughout life, it is human nature to try and figure out the things we don’t understand. Here are some things as I see them:
In order for anything positive to have meaning, we need to experience it’s opposite. We can’t know love unless we know the opposite of love. I feel like this pain and emptiness I am feeling could be the opposite of love, but part of me knows it’s BECAUSE of love. It’s bittersweet. I have all these great memories that I made in 19 short months, but now I’m left with a hole and feel so empty inside. It’s a hole that will be there until the day I die. Nothing can fix it.
This separation from Bella is merely my perception. Intuitively I know she is always with me. The signs are too prominent to dismiss. I mourn the loss of my physical daughter but I know she is here with me, always. I will be forced to continue through my life without her beside me physically, with me in spirit. How long will it be until I see her again? I wish I could count the days, but time is nothing but a human concept. It doesn’t matter to Bella if I live another decade or 10, she will be waiting for me and it will seem like a blink of an eye to her, but an eternity to me.
When someone you love dies, a part of you dies with them and you feel a physical response. The pain I feel is very real. It is in my heart, but it’s also in my throat. It feels like a blockage. When a wave of pain comes, my throat catches it and I try to swallow it. It never works. It stays there and will slowly subside as I distract myself from it. It’s always there, like a dull ache, but I keep hoping that if I ignore it, maybe it will go away.
These are my thoughts for tonight. My head hurts after a long emotional day. I need sleep now. “I hope to see you in my dreams, Bella Boo. Mommy misses you.”
Month: April 2015
As I lay here in this hospital bed, I listen to the howl of the wind. It sings to me. I hear deep sorrow and pain as she weeps, a melody that reflects all the emotions that have been running through me this past week. The song sounds so sad that I can taste her tears. The wind is releasing her pain tonight and I wish I could join in her song.
It doesn’t matter what goes on in our lives, it is a parents’ responsibility to put everything aside when their child needs them. I have been feeling overwhelmed from taking on a little too much and was suddenly forced to put everything aside for the sake of my son. This is not a chore or a reason to complain but an absolute honour and privilege.
It was my first visit to the ER since the day I left there without Bella. That didn’t even cross my mind until this morning. Nothing else was important except finding out what the problem was with my son and doing everything possible (as difficult as that was) to find an answer. I felt gratitude as we were fortunate to have the opportunity to go through all the steps we took. It may have been draining and seemed like torture, but not everyone is granted that window. Sometimes things happen way too quickly to even have a thought about what to do, and sometimes we are not aware that there is even a problem until it’s too late.💔
Every time I make an inch of progress, I am set back a mile. My grief has been surfacing and with all the distractions around me, it’s amazing that I even have time to cry. But this time my setback isn’t about me. It’s about being a mother to the most incredible little boy I know. It was about being strong for him to ease his fear, remaining calm and making decisions while staying present.
What I am finding out is that how we cope is a choice. I hear many parents complaining about the little things (feeling tired, impatient, overworked, and needing a break) yet what many parents don’t see is how blessed they are to be feeling that way. Your thought about it will attract positivity or negativity, and you are in control of which you choose. It frustrates me to hear things like that because I rarely complain about my life circumstances. I complained a lot when Bella was with me because life was so difficult but all that did was steal positivity from the good moments I could have had (there were many, but could have been many more… That’s my guilt). If life isn’t working for you, it’s time to make some changes. Learn the coping skills you need or figure out a plan that meets your needs. Appreciate the normal problems because believe me, you wouldn’t want to not feel tired, have less pressure from your kids or want more time to yourself if that meant living without them. Practice gratitude and the next time you want to complain, remember to appreciate what life has given you. Look at your gifts and remember to show thanks for them every single day. I am always grateful for my memories with Bella, but that’s all I will ever have… Memories…
Today I am thankful for my son. I am thankful that he will be okay. I am thankful for the hospital staff, for their thoroughness and caring approach. I am also thankful for the man laying in the bed beside me cuddled up to our son. Despite our differences, he gave me the 2 best gifts of my life.
Today was my first scheduled full day at work, but instead Hudson’s father and I spent it in the Hospital with our son, putting our differences aside and doing what good parents do: we put our child first! Work can wait, my healing can wait, and my grief certainly isn’t going anywhere. Tonight I am right where I belong and all else is off in the distance.
The wind is reminding me that it’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to feel pain and cry. It’s also ok to be afraid. Fear can drive us to make important decisions, but it’s important not to let fear cloud your view of the path. When that cloudiness appears, take a deep breath and be present! Fear has led me to this safe place where I can listen to the song yet be protected from the storm. Tonight I simply listen. Tonight I #StayStrong❤️
The last 2 weeks have been absolutely crazy! The car accident, starting back to work, and so much more had happened along the way. The biggest challenge has been finding another vehicle. Insurance isn’t always fair and when an accident isn’t your fault, you expect them to be there to support you until you find a replacement vehicle, but this has been far from the case. I still haven’t received the payment for my car and had to return the rental. I was in a rush to find a vehicle, yet problems have kept surfacing which have felt like many more slaps in the face. A few days ago, I found the force behind these issues👼.
The day after finding out my car was a write-off, I felt the need to go car shopping despite being sick. I knew I was looking for something specific, a feeling I knew I’d get when I sat in the car I would buy. I test drove a few vehicles that were okay but they felt like I would be settling. After leaving the ford dealership where the guy wanted $25,000 for a used Escape that had marks on it that couldn’t be fixed and was full of dog hair, I was quite frustrated. My son is allergic to dogs that shed but the salesman didn’t quite understand that cleaning it would not be good enough. It was hopeless. We decided to cross the street and check out the Mazda dealership quickly before heading home.
Inside was a beautiful white CX-5 limited edition. I swear I was in love. When I first got into it, I knew immediately that it was exactly what I wanted. I test drove one similar and it just felt right. We found one that was a few years old, white like the model, but it was at another dealership so I put a deposit on it and they were going to bring it in for me.
A huge load off my shoulders… Until I got a phone call the next day informing me that the vehicle was sold to someone else. Another white one was found for me and was even nicer than the first one, but a bit more expensive.
The day before I was to pick up my new car, I woke up at 5am from a terrible dream. In my dream I was driving a white car; I put it in reverse, hit a rock and rolled the car then crashed into a tree. The tree came down slowly and crushed me. I knew I was dead and I was looking for Bella. Then I woke up! The dream was so vivid, it felt very real.
Later that afternoon I had to return the rental car and get my things out of my Matrix. Right after work, the guy from the dealership called to inform me that there were some scratches along one side and the back of the car that I was supposed to pick up the following day. The owner was not willing to come down in price. I was furious and couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
The search continued and I decided to take matters into my own hands and found myself the best deal yet: a white 2013 CX-5, loaded with 50,000 km for $20,000!!! There was some suspicion that it had been in an accident (the price was way too good) but the car proof report was clean. Something still felt off. (I found out later that not all accidents need to be reported in Quebec, so there was no way of knowing if anything happened to the car.)
My godmother messaged me the night before I was to pick up this vehicle. She was concerned and was getting a strong sense that I should not buy this car! She kept insisting all along that I look for a red car, not white. The feeling was so strong that she had a terrible headache. Her feeling matched my dream and I felt something wasn’t right but tried to dismiss it to overthinking. Instead I asked my BFF, the medium, if Bella had anything to say about it. And of course she did:
“yeah you cant buy the car. she says that mommy can’t buy it because it will get into another accident and this time hudson will be in the car. no one will be hurt but mommy won’t be able to take that extra stress. but don’t worry who do you think is making all these scratch marks. three strikes remember. I am doing my part…
I am getting something wrong with a white vehicle. something is not right. some sort of issue. I am getting something with steering wheel/air bag/etc. something to do with steering.”
Then I told her about my dream. Suddenly it all made sense! On my way to bed that night, there was a dark pink heart on my chest from Bella’s urn charm (her way of saying “I love you”). The next morning, I called to let them know I could not purchase the car. I still get a strong sense that it had been in an accident (usually when something is too good to be true, it is). When I called the guy at the Mazda dealership, he kept apologizing to me, but after all that stress, I just felt relieved! It just wasn’t meant to be. He informed me that the scratches on the second vehicle were not there the day before and had mysteriously appeared overnight. They have no idea what happened (but I do👼).
I went back to the Mazda dealership and decided on a brand new 2016 RED CX-5! Buying used to save a few bucks was clearly not working, but after all the trouble, the guy gave me a GREAT deal! I’m only paying $14 more a month than a 4th used car he found for me, and this one is 3 years newer.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall into place. Sometimes bad things happen so that worse things don’t. Pay attention to the signs and have faith that everything will work out as it should. Once I realized who was behind all this “bad luck” and understood that the Universe wasn’t out to “get me” but my daughter was trying to save me, I felt calm.
I pick up my new car on Wednesday. I feel good about it. It feels pretty amazing to know that I have an angel watching over me, even if she does make life challenging at times. She’s helping me stay safe. She’s helping me #StayStrong❤️