This morning I lay in bed thankful that Christmas is over. I wasn’t expecting it to be so difficult, but I should have known better. We had plans and I was excited about them. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out and it left me with 2 empty spaces in my heart where 2 rainbows should have been. 
We weren’t the only family who struggled this Christmas. It seems that many friends had their own struggles this year. 2014 has been a trying year for many. It’s almost over but I have mixed feelings about it coming to an end. In saying goodbye to the worst year of my life, I’m also saying goodbye to the year I created the happiest memories with my children. Another year is just more proof that you can’t stop time. 
I lost Bella 6 months ago tomorrow. It doesn’t hurt any less. Actually, I’m decreasing my medication and it hurts much more these days because I can actually feel the pain. I need this to happen if I want healing to occur. I need to feel the pain. I felt it strongly this Christmas and cried for hours, and was then exhausted from the emotional release. I felt guilty about it but this is progress and it’s what I needed to do. I’m tired of waiting for the right moment to break down.
I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who love and support me. My family means everything to me and they are here to hold me up when I struggle to breathe. I got through it though. It wasn’t easy, but I did it. Today I celebrate that! I survived the most difficult Christmas ever! 
Next Christmas will different. If you want things to be different, it’s up to you to do things differently. So right now we will plan and do what needs to be done in order to create a different kind of Christmas next year. At least I know that it will be better than the one we just had.


First Christmas in Heaven

My heart feels heavy. I can’t breathe. I don’t know who I was trying to kid when I said Christmas would be okay. Of course it’s not okay. Nothing is okay right now. 
I wish I could go to sleep and wake up on Boxing Day. I want it to be over with. It’s the first year that I didn’t enjoy wrapping gifts. It’s the first year I want to seclude myself. It doesn’t even feel like Christmas.
I’m sending love and prayers out to all the angel parents, especially those who are celebrating Christmas for the first time without our children. 
I feel blessed to have my son to force me to experience Christmas this year. Because of him, I need to push through these feelings of hopelessness. We all need to #StayStrong❤️
Merry Christmas in Heaven, Bella. Mommy aches for you… 💔

This morning I lay here feeling broken, but not because of Bella. I have felt Bella’s presence all around me these last few weeks and the signs were out of this world. She has brought people to me and has sent me gifts through people who knew these gifts were from Bella. My life has felt like a movie, and maybe one day it will be. 
I’ve been on the road a lot and have met people from all over. I’ve learned that an excuse for a trip does not mean it’s the reason for it. Purpose goes deeper than what can be seen and is sometimes anything but obvious. I have learned that my intuition guides me. I’m getting more confident in my gut and learning that it is never wrong. My instincts are always bang on but I often misinterpret the details. I see into peoples souls. You can learn a lot about someone just by looking into their eyes. I see kindness everywhere I look, but that may be because I am searching for if. 
I understand and accept that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it’s difficult to see what that reason could be, but I believe that time will reveal reasons presently unknown. Sometimes the things that cause us the greatest pain are actually blessings in disguise. Sometimes the greatest wounds are what change us, wake us up and help us become the person we are supposed to be. 
This broken feeling won’t be going away any time soon but I do believe in justice. I also know that Bella is here helping any way she can. The rainbows and gifts are proof. I expect this Christmas to be the most difficult ever and the glimmer of hope I had for our family has been shattered. I’ll keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason. #StayStrong❤️

I’m blessed to be witnessing first hand how LOVE heals. He’s never received so much love and affection as the last few months. When Bella transitioned, Buddy was coughing A LOT and the vet said he would eventually need to go on medication for it. He was born with a heart murmur and it would just keep getting worse. The last few years have been challenging and it’s been difficult to give him the attention he needs and deserves. He’s been helping me heal and I’m happy to say that he isn’t coughing anymore. The only change we have made is to love each other. Thank you Tommy for helping heal my baby boy. Bella is right, #LoveHealsAll❤️👼 #StayStrong❤️

As I sit in the car, I think. My brain never stops, although more often than not, I try to turn it off. I welcome the thoughts today. It’s a long drive to our 30km destination due to a bit of snow. The 401 is slow moving, so I have a lot of time to think.
Losing Bella has changed me. What most people don’t know is that I’ve experienced many events over the last several years that have all changed me in some way. Bella changed me! She alone has hanged me more than anything. Conceiving her changed my outlook. Birthing her changed my perception of my body. The experience of her colic pushed me to limits I never knew existed and forced me to learn what patience is. Becoming a single mother changed how I handle things and taught me about priorities. Going back to work as a newly single mom taught me that I need to take care of ME before I can take care of anyone else. Bella’s father’s car accident taught me to depend on no one but myself. These are only a few things I’ve learned.
Losing Bella taught me the most. It taught me that no matter how terrible life is, in one split second everything can change for the worse. That no matter how bad things are, the most difficult and challenging times if your life teach you the most. To embrace life as it comes to you because it can all be taken away without notice. 
When I look back at the most difficult time in my life (life with Bella), I now see the best days of my life! Bella taught me more in her short 19 months than any other person I’ve ever met. She challenged me and because I loved her unconditionally, I did what was necessary without questioning it. She taught me how to be strong. It’s as though she came to teach me what she needed to in order to prepare me for when she needed to leave me. 
I read a quote the other day (of course I can’t find it now) about how no matter how bad a situation is, there is always something good in it; the key is to find the good. I told Tom that I had a hard time believing it. I just realized that it’s true. No matter how bad life is, there really is something good to be found everywhere. Losing Bella has pushed me to be the best person I can be. It has taught me that the spirit world is not separate from this world. We are all connected and never cease to be. She taught me how to be strong, and by leaving me she forced me to demonstrate the strength she instilled in me. This strength can hopefully show others that their challenges aren’t as bad as they seem. If I can be strong, I believe anyone can be!
When life is difficult, remember that everything is temporary. When life is good, remember that it won’t last forever. Good times and bad are only a matter of perspective and you can’t enjoy the positive without knowing the bad. Embrace every moment as it comes and try to see the beauty in every day. And most of all, #StayStong❤️

I feel lost. I’ve closed myself off. I am stuck in this happy place. As great as it feels to be here, I have so much work to do and it’s important to continue to push through it in order to get where I need to be. 
No one wants to feel pain. I’ve gone back and forth from wanting to feel pain when I couldn’t feel a thing, to wanting the pain to go away because it was too much for me to bare. Now all I feel is happiness and by suppressing the pain, I am wearing down. It’s making me sick. Physically. 
Distractions are all around me. They give the impression of helping me, but in the end they are just wearing me down even more. Stress surrounds me, but all I want to do is close my eyes and pretend everything is fine. 
That voice I heard keeps playing in my head like a broken record. “It was meant to be this way. It will be ok.” But a part of me is dead. Gone forever. How can anything ever be fine ever again? It can’t… but I can pretend. 
People say that time heals all wounds, but I don’t believe that. Time will heal nothing if you refuse to confront it. You can keep your pain on a shelf neatly tucked away for eternity, but the pain will remain there. My pain surfaces every now and then. I’ve built a strong wall that holds the pain in quite well. I remain hidden behind this wall surrounded by love, which is healing to an extent, but it’s time to take this wall down. It’s time to feel. It’s time to start the healing process, which I have begun countless times but keep retreating to my safe place. 
It’s time to stop being strong.
It’s time to break.
Stop telling me to #StayStrong💔