Author: altcarter

The Waiting Game…

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The last few weeks of pregnancy are always the longest. This can also be the most special time as you prepare for the birth of your baby. It’s an opportunity to pamper yourself and do all you can to keep comfortable. It’s also a time to bond with baby and I have been enjoying watching her move and react to my touch. It’s been incredible!
But waiting isn’t easy. I’m exhausted and uncomfortable. Days are long, but nights are longer. I’m battling insomnia which is affecting my immune system. I’m restless. And itchy! And the only cure is birth.
We have been expecting our rainbow to make her appearance any day for a week, but we continue to wait as patiently as possible. Planning for the big day hasn’t been easy but I managed to get through some pretty heavy obstacles over the last few weeks. The stress was weighing me down. I realize that this isn’t something I can fully plan for as it’s out of our control when she decides to arrive. She will come when she’s ready. I just hope that is soon!
Our lives are about to change forever as we welcome a baby created in pure love. I feel blessed this little soul chose us to love and protect her, and I couldn’t imagine experiencing this journey with anyone else. We are ready!

  

Signs From Bella

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I slept in Hudson’s bed last night and when I got up this morning, this pink balloon was at my feet. The last balloon from Bella’s Birthday/Baby Carl’s gender reveal party (on November 14) popped over a month ago. Hudson was absolutely devastated that the last balloon was gone! I know this was not there last night. It felt like a big Hello from Bella💕👼🏼 and hopefully a message that Baby Carl is on her way soon 😉

Miracle💕

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Miracles surround us. Life is a miracle. 

Birth is a miracle.

Every child is a miracle. 
Today, I am grateful for my rainbow miracle. I am excited to experience the miracle of childbirth once more. I wait patiently as I bond with my baby and watch her grow. I feel blessed to watch my family bond with her too. She has been moving so much lately; it’s incredible to be able to see her move inside of me. Today, I was able to see her leg move across my belly. These are the moments to cherish and hold on to. I am grateful I captured this moment on video. 

Click HERE to watch the video.
#Miracles #CherishMoments #StayStrong❤️

Painful Reminder

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I was at the store today looking at books and when I saw this, my heart sank. Bella is about to become a big sister. I should be talking to her about babies and teaching her what it means to be a big sister. I should be buying her dolls and watching her play with them as she practices taking care of her new baby. But I won’t ever have those opportunities and instead her baby sister will have to learn about Bella from me. That’s a difficult reality to accept. I wasn’t sure if I should buy the book or not, so of course I bought it. For Bella. The best big sister ever, in heaven. #StayStrong❤️

592 Days: Milestones from the Perspective of a Grieving Mother

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This has been a challenging week as a grieving mother. I’ve been reading many posts about parents feeling sadness as they register their children for school. I read many posts about parents feeling sad that their children are growing up, but this week the sadness has been compounded. I should be registering Bella for school right now, too. But She won’t be starting school like other children her age. 

A child’s milestones are meant to be celebrated. It’s very exciting to watch our children grow up and learn new things. Some milestones are accompanied by sadness because time goes by too quickly, which is why it is so important to remain present in life. By practicing presence we heighten our experience and enhance the memory of that experience. After-all, what we are doing every moment is creating memories.
One milestone my children reached that was accompanied by a sinking feeling in my stomach was the 9-month mark. This was the point in their life where they existed longer in the outside world than they lived inside of me. At the time this signified to me that they were growing away from me. This illusion has now shifted and that sinking feeling is back. Sadness fills me as I sit here typing these words. The one milestone no parent ever expects to experience. These thoughts and feelings are nothing anyone should ever have to endure.
592 days. The number of days Bella lived. One year, 7 months and 15 days; the amount of time I had to get to know her. 14,208 hours; the amount of time I had to create memories with her. 852,480 minutes; the amount of time I had to show her how much I loved her. 51,148,800 seconds; the amount of opportunities I had to kiss her.
She has now been gone for 592 days. I have survived a whole year, 7 months and 13 days without her. I have been picking up broken pieces of my shattered heart for 14,208 hours. I have been aching for 852,480 minutes. I have been missing a piece of myself for 51,148,800 seconds. 
Tomorrow, I will wake up knowing that Bella has been gone longer than she lived. That thought is hard to swallow. 
Some milestones are meant to be celebrated. Other are painful reminders. Don’t waste your energy feeling sad when your child achieves an important milestone. Watching your children grow up is a blessing. Remember that some parents will never have those opportunities. Instead, be proud and practice gratitude.

A Letter To Struggling Parents

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Dear Struggling Parent,

I know that being a parent is the hardest job in the world. It drains you, depleting you of all you have to give. But somehow when you feel there’s nothing left, you find a new reservoir to draw from. It’s the reservoir of love and it’s located deep in your heart.

Life is short and we never seem to have enough time. But when you’re struggling to breathe, it’s normal to take the little things for granted and wish time away. I was there and the time I thought I had was robbed from me in an instant. I try not to see this as time stolen but choose to see every moment I had with my daughter as a blessing. While I was struggling, what I saw was chaos. I stood in the middle of a tornado and watched the moments pass by. I looked forward to the day where my daughter would sleep through the night and be less dependent on me. I looked forward to the day life would be “easier” because it was just so hard to cope!

So away time went. And my wish was granted. My daughter is now asleep. Permanently. And now all I wish for is that chaotic life that I took for granted. I have been forced to learn some really tough lessons. I hope that by sharing some of what I have learned, I can help others who are struggling. So my advice to you is this:

1. Learn the art of self-care. Fill your cup, and make it a priority to keep that cup full because when this cup is empty, you have nothing left to give anyone else. Take care of yourself and do what you can to make sure your needs are met. It takes a community to raise a child so reach out for support when you need to. There are many community resources available for those in need.

2. Live in the moment. Be mindful and pay attention to what’s going on around you. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted, especially when it comes to your children. Give your children the gift of your presence. I promise they will thank you for it, and in return you will gain memories you would have otherwise missed out on.

3. Practice gratitude. Be grateful for all that you have. Find something to be thankful for every single day. Focus on these gifts! Remind yourself to be grateful for the difficult moments too because these moments are learning opportunities that allow us to grow. If life were always easy, we wouldn’t appreciate the good times as we would have nothing to compare them to. With every storm comes a rainbow, so focus on that rainbow!

4. Stop complaining! Complaining lowers your frequency and attracts more negativity. It’s like a vortex that sucks you in and is very difficult to escape from. It doesn’t solve anything and leads to increased negativity. This results in you feeling worse.

5. Stop being so hard on yourself. You are only human after-all. We all make mistakes and we all have areas we can improve on. Never stop trying to improve yourself and remember to reward your accomplishments. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. Parenting is the hardest job in the world, so remember to pat yourself on the back every once in a while.

No matter how difficult life is, live it in a way that you can be proud of. Our children grow up fast so enjoy the time you have with them. Don’t forget to stop and smell the flowers; inhale the sweet beauty of the miracles that surround you. Make the most of every moment and strive to live a life of no regrets. Remember that not everyone is fortunate enough to have time with their children, so treat these moments as blessings! Difficult times always pass and when you look back on your life years from now, you will be rewarded with beautiful memories!

Love,

A Grieving Mother

Signs from Bella

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My sister got a visit tonight! After hearing one of Bella’s favourite songs in her car on the way to work and a few conversations about Bella today, she walked in the door and heard voices. No one was home. She realized the sounds were coming from the basement so she reluctantly went to see what was going on. Numerous battery operated toys were turned on, lights and sounds coming from various bins in the corner of the basement. The one that stood out the most was a Handy Many toy that played a part of the theme song over and over like a broken record. When she picked up the toy, she saw it was on “try me” mode (the demo shouldn’t be playing continuously like that!) She called me to tell me what happened and how strange her day was. I reassured her that coincidences don’t exist and Bella was saying “Hello!” 👼🏼💕

#BellLetsTalk #StopTheStigma

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Today is #BellLetsTalk Day. I’m joining Bell Let’s Talk and millions of others to raise awareness about mental health. The purpose is to discuss the growing need for support and to help identify the needs of many but in order to do so, people need to admit to it before they can receive the help they need.

In the past I have struggled with #depression, #anxiety, and #anorexia that almost took my life. Over a decade later I experienced the trauma of #childloss and have been coping through #grief after the sudden loss of my daughter. I have always been very open about my struggles and have never felt embarrassed by them. I am fortunate to be surrounded by loving supportive people who have always been there for me. I am living proof that #RecoveryIsPossible!

Having a mental illness does not make you weak and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Just because the illness is not seen, it does not mean it is not real, it is just as real as any other illness that can be seen with the eye.

Let’s #StopTheStigma… Share your story of #mentalillness if you have one. Don’t be scared or ashamed. It may help someone. If everyone shared their personal stories today, I think we would be overwhelmed by the amount of people who struggle without anyone ever knowing it. Let’s empower each other ❤️

Don’t Let The Moments of Grace Pass You By

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As I sit here looking at a newborn photo of Bella as an angel, I ask myself “if I could go back to that day and do it all over, would I?” The obvious answer would be “of course!” But that decision would not be an easy one as many thoughts come to the surface.
The day this photo was taken was day 1 of colic. For the first 3.5 months of Bella’s life, she cried! She would breastfeed, sleep in my arms, and scream the rest of the day. Every day was the same. We would wake up, her in my arms, and she would be calm for a half hour or so, then the crying would begin. 
I was heavily criticized for allowing her to soothe herself on me all day. No one seemed to understand how difficult it was to cope. I admit it was easier to hold her, but it was also what she wanted. I now have no regrets.
I have always said that colic could be used as a form of torture. I wouldn’t wish what I went through on anyone. I paced all day and bounced on a yoga ball, skipped meals and ate when I could, showered when I had someone to help, and slept when Bella did since she only slept in my arms. 
Once the screaming subsided, it was replaced with a cranky child who either wanted to be held or wanted to explore. And by “explore” I mean got into everything she could. I couldn’t take my eyes off her for a moment because I feared for her safety. My home felt like a circus.
The sleep difficulties continued. She slept in my arms her entire life. I was exhausted and underweight, battling depression and severe anxiety. My kids always came first, but that depleted me to the point where there was nothing left of me.
Yet as challenging as it was to simply survive, we found moments to celebrate every single day. We loved! We laughed. And we LIVED! 
These were the hardest days of my life. But if I could go back, I wouldn’t change a single thing.
Bella taught me how to be selfless; her needs always came first. She taught me patience. She taught me the importance of self care. Most importantly, she taught me about gratitude. I learned to appreciate the happy moments because they were rare. But those moments are the most precious memories I have and I will hold on to them for all of eternity.
I would relive those difficult days all over again for even just one more moment with Bella. But since that’s not possible, I am grateful that I can go back to those moments in my mind and relive those memories over and over again. These memories bring me pain, but behind every tear is a sparkle of joy. 
This life is not the one I imagined, but it’s my reality. No one ever expects to live without their child. But Bella changed me, and I am so thankful for that.
One of the most difficult lessons I have learned is that sometimes our most cherished memories are created during the most difficult times in life. No matter how bad things seem or what you are forced to deal with, don’t ever let the moments of grace pass you by. You won’t get these moments back so enjoy them and cherish them for the rest of your life. 

2 Years Ago

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Thoughts I shared long before Bella’s transition continue to help me through the inevitable difficult moments. These reminders are precious. They came from me long before I knew grief, but it feels like I was preparing for what was to come. The challenges I faced during Bella’s short life changed me. Children have that affect on us; they change us! Please take a moment today to create a happy memory with your children, capture that moment in a photograph and share it here. Let’s fill this space with happy memories with our children. 

#PracticeGratitude #CreateHappiness #CreateMemories #HappyMemories #CaptureMoments #StayStrong❤️

Click HERE to view memory.