Child Loss

592 Days: Milestones from the Perspective of a Grieving Mother

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This has been a challenging week as a grieving mother. I’ve been reading many posts about parents feeling sadness as they register their children for school. I read many posts about parents feeling sad that their children are growing up, but this week the sadness has been compounded. I should be registering Bella for school right now, too. But She won’t be starting school like other children her age. 

A child’s milestones are meant to be celebrated. It’s very exciting to watch our children grow up and learn new things. Some milestones are accompanied by sadness because time goes by too quickly, which is why it is so important to remain present in life. By practicing presence we heighten our experience and enhance the memory of that experience. After-all, what we are doing every moment is creating memories.
One milestone my children reached that was accompanied by a sinking feeling in my stomach was the 9-month mark. This was the point in their life where they existed longer in the outside world than they lived inside of me. At the time this signified to me that they were growing away from me. This illusion has now shifted and that sinking feeling is back. Sadness fills me as I sit here typing these words. The one milestone no parent ever expects to experience. These thoughts and feelings are nothing anyone should ever have to endure.
592 days. The number of days Bella lived. One year, 7 months and 15 days; the amount of time I had to get to know her. 14,208 hours; the amount of time I had to create memories with her. 852,480 minutes; the amount of time I had to show her how much I loved her. 51,148,800 seconds; the amount of opportunities I had to kiss her.
She has now been gone for 592 days. I have survived a whole year, 7 months and 13 days without her. I have been picking up broken pieces of my shattered heart for 14,208 hours. I have been aching for 852,480 minutes. I have been missing a piece of myself for 51,148,800 seconds. 
Tomorrow, I will wake up knowing that Bella has been gone longer than she lived. That thought is hard to swallow. 
Some milestones are meant to be celebrated. Other are painful reminders. Don’t waste your energy feeling sad when your child achieves an important milestone. Watching your children grow up is a blessing. Remember that some parents will never have those opportunities. Instead, be proud and practice gratitude.

A Letter To Struggling Parents

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Dear Struggling Parent,

I know that being a parent is the hardest job in the world. It drains you, depleting you of all you have to give. But somehow when you feel there’s nothing left, you find a new reservoir to draw from. It’s the reservoir of love and it’s located deep in your heart.

Life is short and we never seem to have enough time. But when you’re struggling to breathe, it’s normal to take the little things for granted and wish time away. I was there and the time I thought I had was robbed from me in an instant. I try not to see this as time stolen but choose to see every moment I had with my daughter as a blessing. While I was struggling, what I saw was chaos. I stood in the middle of a tornado and watched the moments pass by. I looked forward to the day where my daughter would sleep through the night and be less dependent on me. I looked forward to the day life would be “easier” because it was just so hard to cope!

So away time went. And my wish was granted. My daughter is now asleep. Permanently. And now all I wish for is that chaotic life that I took for granted. I have been forced to learn some really tough lessons. I hope that by sharing some of what I have learned, I can help others who are struggling. So my advice to you is this:

1. Learn the art of self-care. Fill your cup, and make it a priority to keep that cup full because when this cup is empty, you have nothing left to give anyone else. Take care of yourself and do what you can to make sure your needs are met. It takes a community to raise a child so reach out for support when you need to. There are many community resources available for those in need.

2. Live in the moment. Be mindful and pay attention to what’s going on around you. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted, especially when it comes to your children. Give your children the gift of your presence. I promise they will thank you for it, and in return you will gain memories you would have otherwise missed out on.

3. Practice gratitude. Be grateful for all that you have. Find something to be thankful for every single day. Focus on these gifts! Remind yourself to be grateful for the difficult moments too because these moments are learning opportunities that allow us to grow. If life were always easy, we wouldn’t appreciate the good times as we would have nothing to compare them to. With every storm comes a rainbow, so focus on that rainbow!

4. Stop complaining! Complaining lowers your frequency and attracts more negativity. It’s like a vortex that sucks you in and is very difficult to escape from. It doesn’t solve anything and leads to increased negativity. This results in you feeling worse.

5. Stop being so hard on yourself. You are only human after-all. We all make mistakes and we all have areas we can improve on. Never stop trying to improve yourself and remember to reward your accomplishments. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. Parenting is the hardest job in the world, so remember to pat yourself on the back every once in a while.

No matter how difficult life is, live it in a way that you can be proud of. Our children grow up fast so enjoy the time you have with them. Don’t forget to stop and smell the flowers; inhale the sweet beauty of the miracles that surround you. Make the most of every moment and strive to live a life of no regrets. Remember that not everyone is fortunate enough to have time with their children, so treat these moments as blessings! Difficult times always pass and when you look back on your life years from now, you will be rewarded with beautiful memories!

Love,

A Grieving Mother

Signs from Bella

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My sister got a visit tonight! After hearing one of Bella’s favourite songs in her car on the way to work and a few conversations about Bella today, she walked in the door and heard voices. No one was home. She realized the sounds were coming from the basement so she reluctantly went to see what was going on. Numerous battery operated toys were turned on, lights and sounds coming from various bins in the corner of the basement. The one that stood out the most was a Handy Many toy that played a part of the theme song over and over like a broken record. When she picked up the toy, she saw it was on “try me” mode (the demo shouldn’t be playing continuously like that!) She called me to tell me what happened and how strange her day was. I reassured her that coincidences don’t exist and Bella was saying “Hello!” 👼🏼💕

#BellLetsTalk #StopTheStigma

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Today is #BellLetsTalk Day. I’m joining Bell Let’s Talk and millions of others to raise awareness about mental health. The purpose is to discuss the growing need for support and to help identify the needs of many but in order to do so, people need to admit to it before they can receive the help they need.

In the past I have struggled with #depression, #anxiety, and #anorexia that almost took my life. Over a decade later I experienced the trauma of #childloss and have been coping through #grief after the sudden loss of my daughter. I have always been very open about my struggles and have never felt embarrassed by them. I am fortunate to be surrounded by loving supportive people who have always been there for me. I am living proof that #RecoveryIsPossible!

Having a mental illness does not make you weak and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Just because the illness is not seen, it does not mean it is not real, it is just as real as any other illness that can be seen with the eye.

Let’s #StopTheStigma… Share your story of #mentalillness if you have one. Don’t be scared or ashamed. It may help someone. If everyone shared their personal stories today, I think we would be overwhelmed by the amount of people who struggle without anyone ever knowing it. Let’s empower each other ❤️

Don’t Let The Moments of Grace Pass You By

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As I sit here looking at a newborn photo of Bella as an angel, I ask myself “if I could go back to that day and do it all over, would I?” The obvious answer would be “of course!” But that decision would not be an easy one as many thoughts come to the surface.
The day this photo was taken was day 1 of colic. For the first 3.5 months of Bella’s life, she cried! She would breastfeed, sleep in my arms, and scream the rest of the day. Every day was the same. We would wake up, her in my arms, and she would be calm for a half hour or so, then the crying would begin. 
I was heavily criticized for allowing her to soothe herself on me all day. No one seemed to understand how difficult it was to cope. I admit it was easier to hold her, but it was also what she wanted. I now have no regrets.
I have always said that colic could be used as a form of torture. I wouldn’t wish what I went through on anyone. I paced all day and bounced on a yoga ball, skipped meals and ate when I could, showered when I had someone to help, and slept when Bella did since she only slept in my arms. 
Once the screaming subsided, it was replaced with a cranky child who either wanted to be held or wanted to explore. And by “explore” I mean got into everything she could. I couldn’t take my eyes off her for a moment because I feared for her safety. My home felt like a circus.
The sleep difficulties continued. She slept in my arms her entire life. I was exhausted and underweight, battling depression and severe anxiety. My kids always came first, but that depleted me to the point where there was nothing left of me.
Yet as challenging as it was to simply survive, we found moments to celebrate every single day. We loved! We laughed. And we LIVED! 
These were the hardest days of my life. But if I could go back, I wouldn’t change a single thing.
Bella taught me how to be selfless; her needs always came first. She taught me patience. She taught me the importance of self care. Most importantly, she taught me about gratitude. I learned to appreciate the happy moments because they were rare. But those moments are the most precious memories I have and I will hold on to them for all of eternity.
I would relive those difficult days all over again for even just one more moment with Bella. But since that’s not possible, I am grateful that I can go back to those moments in my mind and relive those memories over and over again. These memories bring me pain, but behind every tear is a sparkle of joy. 
This life is not the one I imagined, but it’s my reality. No one ever expects to live without their child. But Bella changed me, and I am so thankful for that.
One of the most difficult lessons I have learned is that sometimes our most cherished memories are created during the most difficult times in life. No matter how bad things seem or what you are forced to deal with, don’t ever let the moments of grace pass you by. You won’t get these moments back so enjoy them and cherish them for the rest of your life. 

Third Trimester

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30 weeks pregnant and slowing down. Exhaustion is setting in once more. I fight it as strength radiates from within. I am surrounded by love and this pure light energy holds me in a safe place. The third trimester always seems to be the longest. But it is also the most exciting. As baby grows bigger and stronger, feeling her move inside me creates a bond that is everlasting. I now know that nothing can sever this bond. Not even death.
As she dances in my belly, I feel her soft flutters of love. I always say “Hi baby! I love you” and know that even though she can’t understand my words, she feels my love. For this moment in time, we are one. She is forever a part of me.
The anxiety I felt during the first months of pregnancy are now gone. Small specs of black sand, I picked up these fears, held them in my palm and blew them away. They remain somewhere but are too scattered to make sense of. I prefer it this way. 
This baby is a blessing to her daddy and I. She is what created her; pure love. I feel her heightened vibration and my belly tingles every time she moves. She knows her daddy and responds to his touch and voice. I know she can’t wait to meet him. 
I savour the blessings and hold them gratefully. I worked hard to put my fears aside. It’s easy to stay in that scary place but I chose to leave as the light was much brighter. I have full trust that everything is exactly how it is meant to be. I believe in miracles and know that we created one. I also know that I can’t even begin to imagine the beautiful life ahead of us. 
Life is what you make of it. So here we are making the most of all we have. 

❤️

Thank You!

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Attacks of grief tend to come unexpectedly. I’ve been at the hospital a lot lately. For work. For family. For Baby Carl. It’s never a pleasant place to be, but sometimes the Universe has a plan and you are meant to be at a specific place at a specific time. I don’t believe in coincidence.
The second last time I was at the hospital, I had a deep conversation with a doctor who cared for me just after I nearly died. I had seen her at the ER the night before when I brought my son in with an allergic reaction. I thanked her for helping him the night before. She said to me “I don’t often get thanked for why I do.” This surprised me! If someone helps me or someone I care about, it only makes sense to thank them! I then thanked her for what she did for me and told her about Bella. 
The other day I stopped by the hospital to inquire about my Rhogam injection. I spoke with a nurse that I recognized. She is very gentle, calm, and gives off a loving vibe. I recognized her as the nurse who has been incredible with my kids! I didn’t know her name until tonight. But once I heard her name, I knew exactly who she was.
It’s strange how I remember many details of what occurred, but struggle to remember what I saw. She was there the night I was brought in by ambulance. I asked her if she was my nurse that day and she told me she was also there for Bella. She took care of her. She told me a few things that touched my heart, things no mother should ever have to think about, but eased fears I didn’t even know existed. She took care of my baby girl after her momma had to leave. I cried. I hugged her. Then I thanked her. I will never forget the kindness this woman has shown my family.
These women were not the only ones who deserve thanks. The paramedics, hospital staff, police officers, and many others who were there for my family all deserve thanks. Some people view what they do as “their job” but there is more to it than that. It takes a special person to do what these people do. What they see at work can affect them. Deeply. Permanently. It’s not easy for anyone to deal with the sudden death of a child. It’s traumatic for anyone. Yet, thankfully, these people are there during those times.
I had intentions to meet all the people who were there for us that day. I am not quite ready to experience all the emotions that will come along with meeting them. When I am ready, I hope to thank them all in person.
But for now, I will thank them here. 
Thank you for doing all you could to save my baby girl. Thank you taking care for her when I was not able to be at her side. Thank you for treating her with love and respect. I know she was in good hands.
Thank for helping me, for saving my life. Thank you for understanding my trauma and not judging me. Thank you for treating me with kindness and respect.
Thank you for caring.
I am sorry that we had to share our trauma with you, but thank you for being there when we needed you. Our lives would be much different today without you. 
❤️

Signs from Bella

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It’s been a rough week. Leave it to Bella to brighten my day. I spent all day yesterday cleaning out and organizing. Before moving Bella’s cedar chest, I opened it and Bella the Butterfly was lit up 👼🏼

A Christmas Promise

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I keep telling myself that life is what you make of it and you get to choose how you handle difficult times. It’s not an easy thing to do but taking this type of ownership provides you with power. By leaving your experience up to anything else is to hand over control of it. This Christmas was about taking my own advice.

Dear Bella,

It’s Christmas Day. The second Christmas you spend in Heaven… It has been so hard to prepare for this day as celebrating without you is unimaginable. Christmas has always been my favourite holiday but not having you here leaves us with emptiness where love used to reside.

Except this year was different than I expected. Yesterday, I found love in your brother. I looked for it. We spent time alone. We laughed. We sang silly songs. We acted as we used to when you were here. We talked about you and I secretly thanked God for giving me the gift of our memories. There was some sadness, but gratitude held me up while love and joy filled me.

We went to church and even though the second last time I was there was to celebrate your short life, I purposely remembered happy memories that took place in that space. I remembered both your aunts weddings and I pictured myself walking down the isle with Dream Daddy. A Christmas Eve wedding… Memories not yet created but they brought joy and hope. I focused on your brother; his affection towards me throughout the service kept me grounded. I listened to him sing and held on to every moment. He reminded me that you were there with us; he put his ear to my belly then told me you were singing too. ❤️

Because of your brother, I didn’t let my grief steal Christmas from me. It took effort, but the reward was priceless and now I have new memories to hold on to.

Christmas morning, I was the first one awake and I kept listening for your brothers. When they finally came to get us, I was eager to give them their gifts and excitedly got out of bed. Hudson opened yours; I’m sure you don’t mind. Thank you for sending a helper for Santa this year. It really saved the day! I lost track of how many times he said it was the “best day ever!”

It’s definitely a Christmas I will never forget. Leave it to Dream Daddy to turn it into something else. I had visions of marrying him on Christmas because I was looking to replace the pain of missing you with the love of the most incredible man I have ever met. His love heals me. He didn’t marry me today, but he will marry me someday soon and that promise of forever makes me the luckiest girl in the world. Leave it to you to find someone so wonderful!

I promise to always include you in all that we do. I also promise to not let my pain of missing you take me away from important moments. Thank you for being with us today. That rainbow hello you sent was received and I know you had a part in all the miracles I witnessed today. Thank you for the many gifts you continue to send. Please keep them coming as they remind me to #StayStrong.

Merry Christmas in Heaven, my sweet Angel! I miss you lots and love you more.

Love Mamma ❤️

Shadow of Grief

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It’s a cool December day. I stand on the beach staring at the sun. I feel the warmth of the sunlight on my face. Behind me, the wave is building. It crashes onto the shore. My shadow hides it and I cannot see it, yet I am aware of its existence. I choose to ignore it and focus on the warmth that kisses my face.

The waves become rhythmic and I feel the vibration in my chest. As the vibration gets stronger, it becomes difficult to ignore. A drop of pain escapes from the corner of my eye and rolls down my cheek. I lift my head higher begging the light to erase this pain. But I know the impossibility of this as it engrained in every cell of my body. 

Pain is now a part of me. At times it is easily forgotten, yet it is never gone. Nothing can alter this path of heartache. In order to recede it, I know I must feel it, yet I refuse the confrontation. Not today… 

I walk away, facing the light. I leave the waves in my shadow.

Avoiding the waves causes them to build stronger. A storm is developing. The longer it goes ignored, the harder the rain will fall. But I simply don’t have the energy to battle this today.

The light brings the illusion of peace. This path is easier to walk. But the darkness will only fade when you shine the light upon it.

 * * *

Today I choose to be strong so that I can prepare for Christmas. I’ve postponed it long enough and time is running out. It’s amazing how many ways we can procrastinate when facing something head on is so painful. But I choose to put my son first. I will risk fighting a bigger storm later and do what needs to be done so that I don’t let him down. 

No one knows the battle within me; I hide it so well. This mask isn’t meant to be deceiving, it’s meant to protect me. Under the skin of every grieving mother is pain that never goes away. Holidays have a way of making that pain surface. This is our reality. 

#StayStrong❤️