healing

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As I lay here in this hospital bed, I listen to the howl of the wind. It sings to me. I hear deep sorrow and pain as she weeps, a melody that reflects all the emotions that have been running through me this past week. The song sounds so sad that I can taste her tears. The wind is releasing her pain tonight and I wish I could join in her song.
It doesn’t matter what goes on in our lives, it is a parents’ responsibility to put everything aside when their child needs them. I have been feeling overwhelmed from taking on a little too much and was suddenly forced to put everything aside for the sake of my son. This is not a chore or a reason to complain but an absolute honour and privilege. 
It was my first visit to the ER since the day I left there without Bella. That didn’t even cross my mind until this morning. Nothing else was important except finding out what the problem was with my son and doing everything possible (as difficult as that was) to find an answer. I felt gratitude as we were fortunate to have the opportunity to go through all the steps we took. It may have been draining and seemed like torture, but not everyone is granted that window. Sometimes things happen way too quickly to even have a thought about what to do, and sometimes we are not aware that there is even a problem until it’s too late.💔
Every time I make an inch of progress, I am set back a mile. My grief has been surfacing and with all the distractions around me, it’s amazing that I even have time to cry. But this time my setback isn’t about me. It’s about being a mother to the most incredible little boy I know. It was about being strong for him to ease his fear, remaining calm and making decisions while staying present.
What I am finding out is that how we cope is a choice. I hear many parents complaining about the little things (feeling tired, impatient, overworked, and needing a break) yet what many parents don’t see is how blessed they are to be feeling that way. Your thought about it will attract positivity or negativity, and you are in control of which you choose. It frustrates me to hear things like that because I rarely complain about my life circumstances. I complained a lot when Bella was with me because life was so difficult but all that did was steal positivity from the good moments I could have had (there were many, but could have been many more… That’s my guilt). If life isn’t working for you, it’s time to make some changes. Learn the coping skills you need or figure out a plan that meets your needs. Appreciate the normal problems because believe me, you wouldn’t want to not feel tired, have less pressure from your kids or want more time to yourself if that meant living without them. Practice gratitude and the next time you want to complain, remember to appreciate what life has given you. Look at your gifts and remember to show thanks for them every single day. I am always grateful for my memories with Bella, but that’s all I will ever have… Memories…
Today I am thankful for my son. I am thankful that he will be okay. I am thankful for the hospital staff, for their thoroughness and caring approach. I am also thankful for the man laying in the bed beside me cuddled up to our son. Despite our differences, he gave me the 2 best gifts of my life. 
Today was my first scheduled full day at work, but instead Hudson’s father and I spent it in the Hospital with our son, putting our differences aside and doing what good parents do: we put our child first! Work can wait, my healing can wait, and my grief certainly isn’t going anywhere. Tonight I am right where I belong and all else is off in the distance.
The wind is reminding me that it’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to feel pain and cry. It’s also ok to be afraid. Fear can drive us to make important decisions, but it’s important not to let fear cloud your view of the path. When that cloudiness appears, take a deep breath and be present! Fear has led me to this safe place where I can listen to the song yet be protected from the storm. Tonight I simply listen. Tonight I #StayStrong❤️

More Than Just A Car

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Some days are better than others. Today when I got out of bed, I looked at the last photo ever of Bella and I, which was taken 9 months ago, and I was reminded of all that is missing. I was reminded of the last moments I missed out on and the photos I could have taken. There seems to be many reminders this past week of how life must go on.
Last weekend my car was wounded but it turns out that was the last drive we would ever take together. Matilda was more than just a car to me. She was my safe heaven, my refuge, during Bella’s entire life. Her and I spent a lot of time driving because colic is a terrible thing to experience and it was often the only way I could get her to sleep. Some days it was the only ME time I would get. Even after the colic, a drive was still often the only way Bella would nap. So many memories. Daily drives to daycare, how she would take off her shoes and socks and throw them so I would have to search for them every single day. How Hudson taught her to dance in her car seat and I would try to watch them in the rear view mirror as I was driving because I knew that these were precious memories I wanted to hold onto. How I still find “gifts” from her hidden, like her name tag or hair clips. How I still look in the rear view mirror and visualize her sitting in her seat.

I’m not ready to say goodbye to my car. It’s just one more reminder that life continues after loss. One more loss. One more slap in the face. Apparently the Universe doesn’t think I have been through enough yet. 
After the month I’ve had, I’m surprised to still be standing, but I am! Standing stronger than ever because I have survived and continue to fight! How much can one person endure? It all started with Bella’s colic, but I believe that life has unfolded the way it has in order to make me stronger so I could get through the next challenge. I needed this strength in order to survive the unimaginable devastation I’ve been forced to endure, and the losses and cruelty keep coming at me! 
There was a time when my family splitting up was my worst fear. I survived life as a single mother although it was difficult. Every single day was a challenge. Looking back, I didn’t give myself enough credit because the pictures I took show a happy family full of love. We had those happy moments every single day! I believe I still don’t give myself enough credit. I have come a long way. I had a setback last week and my return to work didn’t go very well, but that’s okay because I WILL try again. It’s only considered failing when you give up! And after the month I’ve had, it’s no wonder the transition didn’t go smoothly.
This past month I met with the coroner to review Bella’s report which left me with more questions than answers. Now I have decisions to make with regards to further research and testing, or to let it be and accept that I will never have all the answers. Court and custody issues are draining, but when you are accused of murder in a court of law, that can really affect a person. How could someone ever think I am capable of such a horrible thing? I still can’t believe my name and that word were even uttered in the same sentence. Obviously there are no grounds for the accusation and it was an act of desperation, but that is not something I will ever be able to forget. (* I would like to clarify that the custody issues do not involve my son.) Losing my car, returning to work, being sick, and soooo much more. I am exhausted and in desperate need of a break. I’m not giving up but I need to take a time-out to process it all, reflect, and most importantly, REST! 
“I am not what happens to me. I am what I choose to become.” – Carl Jung 
Life hasn’t been easy, but I refuse to let what has happened to me define me. I am breaking down but I believe it’s the next logical process. I am a Phoenix and I am on fire. It’s only a matter of time before this fire burns out. When things cool off, I’ll be able to rise from the ashes and I will be different, transformed. It is a process and I’m meant to experience it.
Thank you to all the people who have checked in on me this week. Thank you for the kind words, the love and support. Thank you for helping me #StayStrong❤️
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Always Look For Rainbows

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The point of life is to learn, and learn I must. Once you suffer the worst imaginable, you have two choices: to hide and exist or to push every boundary that stands in your way. Today I realized that I have changed more than I could have imagined. Tragedies exist but they don’t ruin you unless you allow them to.
Today I learned a few things about myself. After Bella transitioned, I learned how to be strong. The moment my mother found out about Bella, she went into shock and fear took me over. I was so scared that I might lose her too. In that moment I knew that I needed to be strong for her. For my grandmother. For my SON! I needed to be strong so that my family could get through this and not have to worry about ME. I let them down the next day but ever since I woke up from heaven, something in me changed. I understood in that instant sitting in the ER that my son was scared. He just lost his sister and thought he lost his mommy too. In that instant I understood that Hudson would be okay as long as I am. In that moment I knew that I had to be strong. I started blocking the pain and tried leaving it on a shelf. I planned to leave it there until I was ready to feel the pain. I remember the days that I thought the time would never be right to open that box. Today I proved to myself that I can do this! I can comfort the people around me and help them through their pain then let go when I need to.
Last weekend was a big step. We drove to Buffalo in hopes of seeing Prince Charming’s son and ended up bringing him home with us for the week. The night we arrived I had to change Bella’s bed. Her crib was untouched until that moment, exactly as she had left it. It was a difficult thing to do but there is no one else I would have done it for. I knew I loved that little boy unconditionally before I even met him. To have him sleep in Bella’s crib was an honour. I was amazed at how easily I got through the process. I cried and I felt the pain of packing Bella’s soiled sheets away, but I celebrated the little boy we fought so hard to see. I was told I would never be able to put my feelings on a shelf and was told to experience grief as it comes. I don’t believe that to be true at all. I can now say that I am successfully able to grieve when the time is right. It needed to be that way for me so I could protect others.
I was in a car crash today. My mother was with me and we are ok, but my car is not. I tried to swerve to miss a truck that pulled out in front of me on the highway. After the crash, I tried to open my door but it wouldn’t open. My first instinct was to yell at the girl, but I quickly saw how shook up she was and the only words she could speak were “I’m so sorry.” I wanted to hug her and tell her that it’s not a big deal. The insurance would take care of costs. No one was hurt. It could have been so much worse. Instead of getting upset with her, I gave her some calming bath salt (we were on our way back from the bridal show where I was selling some of my home made goods) so I gave her something that would help calm her, and of course an angel card. Why would I want her to feel any worse than she already felt? I’m sure that door wouldn’t open to give me those few extra minutes to cool down. And I’m sure the car accident happened so that something worse didn’t. Karma is a powerful force and sometimes works in inconspicuous ways. 
Lesson of the day: ALWAYS treat others as you would want them to treat you. Karma will come back to you, I promise. And Karma can be BEAUTIFUL as long as that’s what you put out in the universe. Thank you, Bella, for showing me how to slow down, to appreciate the small things and to follow my inner voice. It’s leading me to amazing places I could never dream of, and I know this journey has barely just begun.
Something else I am reminded of daily is that little angel I have watching over me, protecting me. Somehow I know that by staying here today and not going with Tom, we were saved from something terrible. I somehow know I was meant to be in an accident today. I’m thankful my kids weren’t in the car. It could have been so much worse! Always remember that no matter what happens, it could always be so much worse. If I can say that and believe it, anyone can! No matter what happens, always #StayStrong❤️
I posted a photo of my car on my personal Facebook page and of course there is a HUGE rainbow across the photo. I’m sitting at my computer desk and just looked up. Rainbows are everywhere! ☺️🌈❤️

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Our reflections can vary from day to day as we see only what we choose to focus on. The roller coaster of grief changes my perception of my reflection sometimes by the hour. Some things I see include pain, scars, strength, and courage. I see a shattered image of a broken woman trying to put the pieces back together but can’t seem to find the perfect fit as the edges are now jagged. Sometimes when I find a piece and place it where it belongs, it falls off again and breaks into a million more pieces.
It’s frustrating because trying to put the puzzle back together is very exhausting. I feel like I’m crawling towards another breaking point struggling to take a breath. As I gasp for air I remind myself that I am human and we all lose our balance at times. It’s the stress of life, which for me is very complicated and it feels like I’m burning the candle at both ends. I’m emotionally exhausted, which is the worst kind of tired because no amount of sleep can help. I am consumed by unanswered questions not knowing if I will ever get answers but no matter how much time and energy it takes, this is something I need to peruse. The process is draining. 
Grief has many faces and shows herself differently in everyone. I have been criticized and accused of some unfathomable things but my reality is that I have way too much on my plate to deal with anyone’s negativity. All I ask for is respect. You have no right to judge me as you have not been through what I have. Your judgement says nothing about me but says a lot about you. Be kind. Always. 
May you find the ability to forgive those who have done you wrong. May you find peace and believe that Karma is in your corner, as she is on my side and will ensure that balance and order are restored in our lives. Karma is getting what you deserve. Do good and you shall receive good things in return. Sometimes you need to be very patient but I promise that good things always come to those who deserve it❤️ and for those that wrong you, sit back and wait for it because they will eventually cause their own demise.
Today marks a turning point in our lives. Today we celebrate Karma and enjoy the good things she had brought to us. Today we #StayStrong❤️

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Sharing my grief helps me #StayStrong❤️ but it’s not always easy. Singing is not what I do best but I felt that stepping out of my safe place was something that I needed to do. This is the song that Bella wanted me to sing and she made that known by knocking a pink heart shaped rock off Kim’s piano when she first played it. I had that rock in my hand on stage. I am very blessed to have been a part of such a great show and to have had the opportunity to pour my heart out on stage. Thank you to everyone who was a part of this, especially Tom. You are my gift from Bella, my strength, my safe place. With you I am home❤️
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Communicating With Bella through Brian the Medium

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Two busy days in a row and this momma is beyond exhausted. Bella told me to stop procrastinating, so today I made some big plans and others things fell into my lap. My trip to Hawaii is booked and so is my meeting with the coroner. Now to finalize a start date back to work so I can start a new chapter in the movie of my life. 
My appointment with Brian yesterday was amazing. Bella had a lot to say, as always. I haven’t heard or seen her in a while but she reassured me that she will “show” herself to me again soon, that I need this “physical” connection to heal. She said she’s proud of me, of how far I’ve come. She wishes she had told me more that she loved me, so her way of telling me now is by sending me hearts. I have been receiving some hearts as signs (like the one imprinted on my chest) the other day) but the first one that came to mind was a heart shaped rock a little girl gave me. This rock was sitting on her piano and I had asked her mom to learn a few songs for me. When she played “Innocence” by Avril Lavigne, the rock fell off the piano. I will be singing this song in a show this week. 
She talked about the man of my dreams and about how happy she is for us. He came into my life at the perfect time to help heal my heart. She said we are made for each other and have been together many lifetimes. Of course him and I already knew this but confirmation is always nice to hear. She talked about her brothers, all 4 of them, and how she sees us all spending time together. 
She said that I would be going to a place that has high energy, a vortex. A tropical island was mentioned. Maui is a very sacred place with high energy and is a major energy vortex and one of the earth’s chakra points (heart chakra). I have been planning to go there to attend a writer’s workshop. I booked my trip today! According to Bella, I will be writing a book that will be a major part of my life purpose. 
My return to work is coming soon. She said it won’t be easy but I need to do it. I will feel better once I get back into routine and it will be good to be back in society. She said I’m still pretty flighty but exercise (yoga) and meditation will help with that. She also suggested to wear a dark crystal on my left wrist. I’ve been wearing a rainbow hematite bracelet on my left wrist that has been helping me feel grounded.
I already knew that my best friend is a medium but this was discussed and my friend was given some advice. Bella said she often gives me messages through my friend. It was one of the gifts that came from this tragedy. I am blessed to have this friend in my life.
A ring and possibly another baby are coming my way… At some point. She reassured me that this baby won’t be replacing her but a part of her will be coming back to me through this baby, who will have a lot of similar qualities to Bella. 
Mediums can be such a powerful tool for healing. It’s amazing what can come out in sessions. I have spoken to several and heal a little more each time. Tom and I recently listened to the recording of my last session with Brian and were blown away by the accuracy of the reading. Bella really is with me at all times. This is very comforting. It helps me #StayStrong❤️

New Tattoo for Bella

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Now I will always have an angel on my shoulder. Bella’s ashes are in the pink ink. I also got the tiara on my wrist redone and Bella’s ashes are in there too. Such a special day! #StayStrong❤️

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Progress is difficult, but nothing worthwhile ever comes easy. The last 3 weeks have been all about pushing myself and today I am celebrating how far I have come in such a short time.

My last psychiatric appointment did not go as I had anticipated. My doctor was very blunt about my “condition” and stated that I need to go back to work soon. I am not depressed. I don’t have a psychiatric condition. I am suffering from complex grief. He told me that I would have to go back to work in 6-12 weeks.
I left that appointment feeling very angry. How can I go back to work when I can’t even function? How can I even think about work when it’s the furthest thing from my mind? Apparently I needed that push to jump start my recovery.
Recovery, to me, means living! It means enjoying life and doing normal things, including going to work. I’ve been in my safe place since Bella transitioned. I have come to realize that I have stayed in this place out of fear and convenience.
It’s easy to be sad. It’s easy to stay at home, sit on the couch reading books all day and justify it with grief. Realistically, I will be grieving for Bella for the rest of my life. It’s easy to give in to grief and let it take over. What’s not easy is getting up, going out and LIVING again! That’s risky and so scary. But you can LIVE and GRIEVE simultaneously!
Losing Bella has changed me. I have lost a piece of myself and I will never be the same, nor do I want to be the same. This does NOT mean, however, that life will always be difficult. The truth is that I am genuinely happy, but with that comes guilt. I’m working on letting the guilt go because Bella wants me to be happy. She says she feels me when I am happy. Happiness raises your frequency and Bella’s frequency is much higher than any human, so it makes it easier for her to feel my energy when I am happy.
My little monkey has been playing tricks on her momma, but these tricks are also sweet rewards. I found my work keys in her daycare bag (her telling me it’s time to go back to work?), random rocks (always just one and in the strangest places), and my urn necklace went missing the other day and literally minutes after I had finished packing up the last of Bella’s things it mysteriously appeared on my computer desk (which Tom and I both checked 100 times and I was sitting at earlier that morning).
All of Bella’s belongings are in pretty pink bins ready to go up in the attic, where they will stay for now. Her important stuff will stay in the beautiful boxes made by some friendly strangers. This allows me to have her close by so I can enjoy a little piece of Bella any time I want.
I’m officially getting ready to go back to work, and the first thing I needed to do can now be crossed off my list. Yesterday was an amazing day. I was overjoyed to look at every single item that Bella has touched and I feel great knowing exactly where things are. I made a point to focus on happy memories while I went through her things. The most difficult part was starting as it was painful and I ended up having a breakdown, which I celebrated because a few months ago I wouldn’t have been able to cry. I left it alone for a few days, until I was ready. 

Life isn’t easy. It’s not meant to be. But it is what you choose to make of it, and I choose to #StayStrong❤️
“Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don’t and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.” – Harvey MacKay

Finally Breaking

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It’s time to break open. Little by little I feel myself crumble and I celebrate every piece that breaks off. I can feel, and as painful as that is, it’s wonderful to be able to feel.
Recovery means so many things, but what’s important is what it means to me at this very moment. I need goals and I need a plan on how I am going to achieve these goals. I also need the proper supports in place to be able to achieve them. It’s time to create a plan.
Sometimes the truth hurts and it can be very upsetting to hear what you don’t want to hear, but sometimes we need to hear the truth from another source before we can open our eyes to it. My truth is avoidance. I am avoiding healing. It’s too painful to break open, yet this needs to happen in order for healing to take place. People often suppress pain and take on the belief that time will heal their wounds. I don’t believe this is true at all! I believe that in order to heal, emotions need to be felt, then let go. Healing isn’t something that happens overnight. It’s a process, but that process must be experienced in order to make progress. When you suppress it, you are avoiding reality and ignoring the wounds. I believe that this results in much deeper scars.
Today I am making a promise to myself, and I’m going to track my progress here in order to ensure that I’m held accountable! My promise is to start doing the work and to stop avoiding the inevitable. Step one will be to set goals. Step 2 will be to create an action plan. I need to start preparing to go back to work and I’m avoiding this. The truth is I am not ready for this but if I don’t start doing the work, I’ll never be ready. It’s also possible that I will never be fully ready, and that’s okay too, but life has to continue. 
Yesterday was a groundbreaking day for me. I realized that it’s time to do the work. There is never a convenient time to fall apart, so today I’m going to take the box off the shelf, the one that holds all my pain, and I’m going to open it. Today I choose to feel pain. Let the healing begin! #StayStrong❤️
“Have the courage to shine your light into the darkest and deepest wounds of your soul. You are worthy of healing.” – Kate Spencer