Parenting

6 Days Old

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Baby Aria is anything but ordinary. She is only 6 days old but seems much older than this. There’s something “different” about her. She’s way too aware of her surroundings and you can see that there’s a lot going on in her mind. She’s so interesting to watch and I’m intrigued by her. Yesterday, she was moving her wrist in front of her face and you could see her make the connection that she was moving her own wrist. Newborns don’t smile real smiles but she reacts to your voice with a loving gaze and a smile. She has a calming energy and her presence is soothing. She is pure love. She’s beyond anything I ever imagined! 💕
Click HERE to view the video.

Introducing Our Rainbow🌈

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Our Rainbow Has Arrived!🌈Introducing Aria Isabella Armstrong 

Born March 25 at 4:21 am 

7 lbs 15 oz, 21″ long

She came during a snow storm and made a quick grand entrance that took us all by surprise. Our hearts are so full of love! ❤️ Baby Aria is doing well but I’m struggling with some complications and am on bed rest. I was planning a more heartfelt post than this to make the announcement but I don’t have the energy for it just yet and wanted to let the world know she arrived. It’s time to take care of me now but I’ll share more when I am able to.

I Remember…

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As I lay here, tears roll down my cheeks. I can’t help but think of Bella tonight. My heart aches for her. I remember being 40 weeks pregnant with Bella and feeling exhausted and uncomfortable. I feel that way again, but this time I have the memories of what it was like the last time and can’t help but remember. It is so incredibly painful…
Laying in bed with Hudson tonight, he asked when Baby Carl was going to come. I told him I wasn’t sure, but hope she decides to come soon. We talked about what she will be like. He said he hopes she doesn’t like to eat peanuts and peanut butter. I told him she will only drink milk for the first 6 months. He asked about introducing foods to her and wondered how we got Bella to eat all that. I reminded him how much Bella loved food. She was so easy to feed, not like Hudson was. Then he said he was a bad boy… I said to him “No, hunny, you were a good boy. You have always been a very good boy!” These conversations are so precious.
She would be three years old. I would have bought her a doll, a baby of her own to take care of. She would love to rub and kiss my belly just as much as her brother does. She would love talking to her baby sister and would be so anxious to meet her!
Bella is here with us but I am not able to share this human experience with her. I hold on to to all that I do have and we continue to talk about her every single day. She will always be an important part of our family.
Hudson is very excited to be a big brother again. He has never stopped being one and I remind him of this. He told me he would be very sad is Baby Carl died too. I told him that wasn’t going to happen, then I hugged him and cried. I felt like I was lying to him because now I understand that anything can happen at any time without warning. A six year old shouldn’t have to worry about these things. But he does. And I will always be here to comfort him. I know Bella is comforting him too. 
As we wait for our family to become complete, I hold Bella in my heart and thank her for choosing me to be her mommy. I ask her to let her baby sister know we are ready to meet her. I thank her for continuing to let her light shine on us. 
As I wait, I remind myself to cherish every moment because we don’t get these moments back! 
I close my eyes. As the tears roll down my face, I take a deep breath and fill myself with gratitude.

592 Days: Milestones from the Perspective of a Grieving Mother

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This has been a challenging week as a grieving mother. I’ve been reading many posts about parents feeling sadness as they register their children for school. I read many posts about parents feeling sad that their children are growing up, but this week the sadness has been compounded. I should be registering Bella for school right now, too. But She won’t be starting school like other children her age. 

A child’s milestones are meant to be celebrated. It’s very exciting to watch our children grow up and learn new things. Some milestones are accompanied by sadness because time goes by too quickly, which is why it is so important to remain present in life. By practicing presence we heighten our experience and enhance the memory of that experience. After-all, what we are doing every moment is creating memories.
One milestone my children reached that was accompanied by a sinking feeling in my stomach was the 9-month mark. This was the point in their life where they existed longer in the outside world than they lived inside of me. At the time this signified to me that they were growing away from me. This illusion has now shifted and that sinking feeling is back. Sadness fills me as I sit here typing these words. The one milestone no parent ever expects to experience. These thoughts and feelings are nothing anyone should ever have to endure.
592 days. The number of days Bella lived. One year, 7 months and 15 days; the amount of time I had to get to know her. 14,208 hours; the amount of time I had to create memories with her. 852,480 minutes; the amount of time I had to show her how much I loved her. 51,148,800 seconds; the amount of opportunities I had to kiss her.
She has now been gone for 592 days. I have survived a whole year, 7 months and 13 days without her. I have been picking up broken pieces of my shattered heart for 14,208 hours. I have been aching for 852,480 minutes. I have been missing a piece of myself for 51,148,800 seconds. 
Tomorrow, I will wake up knowing that Bella has been gone longer than she lived. That thought is hard to swallow. 
Some milestones are meant to be celebrated. Other are painful reminders. Don’t waste your energy feeling sad when your child achieves an important milestone. Watching your children grow up is a blessing. Remember that some parents will never have those opportunities. Instead, be proud and practice gratitude.

A Letter To Struggling Parents

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Dear Struggling Parent,

I know that being a parent is the hardest job in the world. It drains you, depleting you of all you have to give. But somehow when you feel there’s nothing left, you find a new reservoir to draw from. It’s the reservoir of love and it’s located deep in your heart.

Life is short and we never seem to have enough time. But when you’re struggling to breathe, it’s normal to take the little things for granted and wish time away. I was there and the time I thought I had was robbed from me in an instant. I try not to see this as time stolen but choose to see every moment I had with my daughter as a blessing. While I was struggling, what I saw was chaos. I stood in the middle of a tornado and watched the moments pass by. I looked forward to the day where my daughter would sleep through the night and be less dependent on me. I looked forward to the day life would be “easier” because it was just so hard to cope!

So away time went. And my wish was granted. My daughter is now asleep. Permanently. And now all I wish for is that chaotic life that I took for granted. I have been forced to learn some really tough lessons. I hope that by sharing some of what I have learned, I can help others who are struggling. So my advice to you is this:

1. Learn the art of self-care. Fill your cup, and make it a priority to keep that cup full because when this cup is empty, you have nothing left to give anyone else. Take care of yourself and do what you can to make sure your needs are met. It takes a community to raise a child so reach out for support when you need to. There are many community resources available for those in need.

2. Live in the moment. Be mindful and pay attention to what’s going on around you. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted, especially when it comes to your children. Give your children the gift of your presence. I promise they will thank you for it, and in return you will gain memories you would have otherwise missed out on.

3. Practice gratitude. Be grateful for all that you have. Find something to be thankful for every single day. Focus on these gifts! Remind yourself to be grateful for the difficult moments too because these moments are learning opportunities that allow us to grow. If life were always easy, we wouldn’t appreciate the good times as we would have nothing to compare them to. With every storm comes a rainbow, so focus on that rainbow!

4. Stop complaining! Complaining lowers your frequency and attracts more negativity. It’s like a vortex that sucks you in and is very difficult to escape from. It doesn’t solve anything and leads to increased negativity. This results in you feeling worse.

5. Stop being so hard on yourself. You are only human after-all. We all make mistakes and we all have areas we can improve on. Never stop trying to improve yourself and remember to reward your accomplishments. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. Parenting is the hardest job in the world, so remember to pat yourself on the back every once in a while.

No matter how difficult life is, live it in a way that you can be proud of. Our children grow up fast so enjoy the time you have with them. Don’t forget to stop and smell the flowers; inhale the sweet beauty of the miracles that surround you. Make the most of every moment and strive to live a life of no regrets. Remember that not everyone is fortunate enough to have time with their children, so treat these moments as blessings! Difficult times always pass and when you look back on your life years from now, you will be rewarded with beautiful memories!

Love,

A Grieving Mother

Don’t Let The Moments of Grace Pass You By

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As I sit here looking at a newborn photo of Bella as an angel, I ask myself “if I could go back to that day and do it all over, would I?” The obvious answer would be “of course!” But that decision would not be an easy one as many thoughts come to the surface.
The day this photo was taken was day 1 of colic. For the first 3.5 months of Bella’s life, she cried! She would breastfeed, sleep in my arms, and scream the rest of the day. Every day was the same. We would wake up, her in my arms, and she would be calm for a half hour or so, then the crying would begin. 
I was heavily criticized for allowing her to soothe herself on me all day. No one seemed to understand how difficult it was to cope. I admit it was easier to hold her, but it was also what she wanted. I now have no regrets.
I have always said that colic could be used as a form of torture. I wouldn’t wish what I went through on anyone. I paced all day and bounced on a yoga ball, skipped meals and ate when I could, showered when I had someone to help, and slept when Bella did since she only slept in my arms. 
Once the screaming subsided, it was replaced with a cranky child who either wanted to be held or wanted to explore. And by “explore” I mean got into everything she could. I couldn’t take my eyes off her for a moment because I feared for her safety. My home felt like a circus.
The sleep difficulties continued. She slept in my arms her entire life. I was exhausted and underweight, battling depression and severe anxiety. My kids always came first, but that depleted me to the point where there was nothing left of me.
Yet as challenging as it was to simply survive, we found moments to celebrate every single day. We loved! We laughed. And we LIVED! 
These were the hardest days of my life. But if I could go back, I wouldn’t change a single thing.
Bella taught me how to be selfless; her needs always came first. She taught me patience. She taught me the importance of self care. Most importantly, she taught me about gratitude. I learned to appreciate the happy moments because they were rare. But those moments are the most precious memories I have and I will hold on to them for all of eternity.
I would relive those difficult days all over again for even just one more moment with Bella. But since that’s not possible, I am grateful that I can go back to those moments in my mind and relive those memories over and over again. These memories bring me pain, but behind every tear is a sparkle of joy. 
This life is not the one I imagined, but it’s my reality. No one ever expects to live without their child. But Bella changed me, and I am so thankful for that.
One of the most difficult lessons I have learned is that sometimes our most cherished memories are created during the most difficult times in life. No matter how bad things seem or what you are forced to deal with, don’t ever let the moments of grace pass you by. You won’t get these moments back so enjoy them and cherish them for the rest of your life. 

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I feel so blessed to have spent an entire weekend with people who were not uncomfortable with my truth. Not one single person reacted in discomfort when I told them about Bella. This was extremely unexpected. I am grateful to be around like-minded people who understand the illusion of death. 45 minutes before I landed on Maui, the kind lady I sat with on the plane asked me how many children I have. I answered honestly, as I always will. I then spent the next 45 minutes wanting to hug her, to comfort her and explain why everything is okay. 
It’s a wonderful feeling when anyone asks me about Bella. I WANT to talk about her and I always will. The fact that she’s no longer here in her physical form does not take her presence away from me. It does not mean I will be sad for the rest of my life. In fact, I am grateful she was here for 19 months and I will hold on to those memories for all of eternity. She is still here with me, just in a different form.
Don’t pity me because I lost my daughter. Be happy for me because I had the opportunity to be Bella’s mommy. 
Bella, thank you for being my angel.
Click HERE for article: “To The Mom I Didn’t Mind Making Uncomfortable At The Playgroung”
#PracticeGratitude #StayStrong❤️

Mother’s Day Without Bella

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I was woken up by a kiss and an “I love you mommy!” Hudson has been very excited about Mother’s Day this year. “It’s Modder’s Day!” He couldn’t wait to give me the gifts he worked so hard to make. I’m impressed that he was able to keep a secret for 2 whole days. My baby is growing up, the boy who made me a mommy. ❤️
I wasn’t even out of bed yet and the pain flooded me. And then the guilt came for feeling sadness after my son just gave me some very special gifts. It’s hard not to feel that emptiness when what comes next should be Bella’s little arms and sweet kisses.
Mother’s Day is a time to celebrate our Mothers, but it’s also a special day that we celebrate our children, the precious lives that we have created. It doesn’t matter how old your child is, our babies are our most precious gifts.
Today was very difficult. I forced myself to stay off Facebook as seeing all the photos of happy moms with their kids was unbearable. The pain of what reminders today brings are inevitable but nothing can ever take away the fact that I am Bella’s mommy. Nothing can take away my pain either, but I need to remember more today than ever that Bella chose ME. No matter what comes along with that, I am honoured to have been the one woman out of billions that she chose. 
My role as her mommy has changed but that doesn’t change the love I feel for her, how proud I am of her, and the importance of our relationship. Instead of hugging and kissing her, taking care of her and teaching her how to live, I now ache for her hugs and kisses and teach others about her. Every day is a fight to keep her memory alive. 
The best day of my life was the day I became a mommy. Both times. Hudson and Bella, thank you for choosing me! XO


Motherhood starts in pregnancy. You see that double line and in that same breath you get excited, panic, then plan out your child’s entire life. No one knows what will happen from that moment on but sometimes our plans are shattered. Some mommies never get to hold their babies, and others get to for but a moment. I am thankful I got to enjoy 19 months with my baby girl because some people aren’t as fortunate. 
Today I am wishing a very special Happy Mother’s Day to all the Angel Mommies of the world. It’s the hardest role for any parent to play. I especially want to send love to the mommies who didn’t have the chance to know your babies because you are too often forgotten. 
And most of all, Happy Mother’s Day to my mommy and Nonna, the only people in the world who feel my pain. We are in this journey together; we hold each other up and keep each other going. Mom, I don’t know where I would be without you. Thank for you for helping me #StayStrong❤️

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As I lay here in this hospital bed, I listen to the howl of the wind. It sings to me. I hear deep sorrow and pain as she weeps, a melody that reflects all the emotions that have been running through me this past week. The song sounds so sad that I can taste her tears. The wind is releasing her pain tonight and I wish I could join in her song.
It doesn’t matter what goes on in our lives, it is a parents’ responsibility to put everything aside when their child needs them. I have been feeling overwhelmed from taking on a little too much and was suddenly forced to put everything aside for the sake of my son. This is not a chore or a reason to complain but an absolute honour and privilege. 
It was my first visit to the ER since the day I left there without Bella. That didn’t even cross my mind until this morning. Nothing else was important except finding out what the problem was with my son and doing everything possible (as difficult as that was) to find an answer. I felt gratitude as we were fortunate to have the opportunity to go through all the steps we took. It may have been draining and seemed like torture, but not everyone is granted that window. Sometimes things happen way too quickly to even have a thought about what to do, and sometimes we are not aware that there is even a problem until it’s too late.💔
Every time I make an inch of progress, I am set back a mile. My grief has been surfacing and with all the distractions around me, it’s amazing that I even have time to cry. But this time my setback isn’t about me. It’s about being a mother to the most incredible little boy I know. It was about being strong for him to ease his fear, remaining calm and making decisions while staying present.
What I am finding out is that how we cope is a choice. I hear many parents complaining about the little things (feeling tired, impatient, overworked, and needing a break) yet what many parents don’t see is how blessed they are to be feeling that way. Your thought about it will attract positivity or negativity, and you are in control of which you choose. It frustrates me to hear things like that because I rarely complain about my life circumstances. I complained a lot when Bella was with me because life was so difficult but all that did was steal positivity from the good moments I could have had (there were many, but could have been many more… That’s my guilt). If life isn’t working for you, it’s time to make some changes. Learn the coping skills you need or figure out a plan that meets your needs. Appreciate the normal problems because believe me, you wouldn’t want to not feel tired, have less pressure from your kids or want more time to yourself if that meant living without them. Practice gratitude and the next time you want to complain, remember to appreciate what life has given you. Look at your gifts and remember to show thanks for them every single day. I am always grateful for my memories with Bella, but that’s all I will ever have… Memories…
Today I am thankful for my son. I am thankful that he will be okay. I am thankful for the hospital staff, for their thoroughness and caring approach. I am also thankful for the man laying in the bed beside me cuddled up to our son. Despite our differences, he gave me the 2 best gifts of my life. 
Today was my first scheduled full day at work, but instead Hudson’s father and I spent it in the Hospital with our son, putting our differences aside and doing what good parents do: we put our child first! Work can wait, my healing can wait, and my grief certainly isn’t going anywhere. Tonight I am right where I belong and all else is off in the distance.
The wind is reminding me that it’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to feel pain and cry. It’s also ok to be afraid. Fear can drive us to make important decisions, but it’s important not to let fear cloud your view of the path. When that cloudiness appears, take a deep breath and be present! Fear has led me to this safe place where I can listen to the song yet be protected from the storm. Tonight I simply listen. Tonight I #StayStrong❤️

Bella’s Story

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I’ve been reading a lot of Facebook posts lately that I comment on then quickly delete or decide not to post what I wrote. I’ve been struggling between wanting the world to know what happened to Bella vs starting a huge debate. I have decided that today will be the day that I will share the facts.
Bella was a healthy 19 month old girl. She ate well and had a strong immune system. Bella was rarely sick or missed daycare. Even when she wasn’t well, it took a lot to slow her down. On May 23, 2014, Bella had an eye infection and was required to stay home from daycare although her eye didn’t bother her much. She also had a runny nose and mild cough. I didn’t think much of it because this is pretty typical for kids in daycare. Her eye was completely better in 2 days but her runny nose and mild cough remained. It was minor and didn’t concern me as she was happy, energetic and had a great appetite.
On June 3, Bella went for a hearing test because I was concerned about her speech development. The first part of the test showed fluid behind her ear, which may have been caused by a cold (not surprising considering her symptoms) or ear infection (but Bella didn’t have a fever and her ear did not seem to be bothering her at all). Some kids are prone to fluid in their ears which is when tubes are inserted. The audiologist was not concerned and suggested rebooking in a month to see if it would clear up on it’s own. 
On June 10, Bella was scheduled for vaccines. I was reluctant to bring her because her mild cold symptoms were still present, but decided to attend the appointment and discuss my concerns with the nurse. She said that because Bella didn’t have a fever, there was no reason to not give her the vaccine (standard protocol). I questioned it because if Bella’s immune system is busy fighting off something, wouldn’t adding something else for it to fight off do more harm than good? Since Bella was already behind on her vaccines, the nurse reinforced the importance on “catching up.” Despite what my instincts were telling me, Bella received the Prevnar-13 vaccine (pneumonia) on June 10. Bella had a mild fever that night. It was the first time she had ever had a reaction to a vaccine. 
Bella’s mild cold symptoms persisted but were quite insignificant. I have been told before that this is normal for kids in daycare. As long as she has energy, is eating and does not have a fever, she’s fine! Look at the pictures from the 3 days before her death and tell me if you saw a sick child…
On the night of June 27, I went to a concert and my kids stayed with my parents. Bella was playing with Hudson while I was getting ready. She ate all her supper and was her typical happy energetic self. She didn’t nap at daycare that day and she didn’t want to go to bed that night. My mom said that she finally fell asleep at 3am. She slept in bed with my mother. 
Hudson woke up at about 8am and my mom let Bella sleep. Bella was still not up by 9:30, which is not unusual for my daughter who hates sleep but is very cranky when you wake her. She was face down and her bum was in the air (again, not usual) when my mom went to check on her. When Bella didn’t respond to mom’s touch, she turned her over. Bella was not breathing. It was estimated that Bella transitioned a half hour before mom found her.
The autopsy showed that Bella had pneumonia caused by Haemophilus influenza, which the coroner explained is a bacteria that often causes throat and ear infections. For some reason, Bella’s immune system was unable to fight the bacteria and it developed into pneumonia. The coroner called it “walking pneumonia” which explains why she did not seem sick other than minor cold symptoms. The infection was in her blood; she was septic. 
After seeing post after post about young children dying from bacterial infections, I knew I had to speak up. Losing a child is the most painful thing anyone could ever face, and if I can do something to help prevent another parent from feeling this pain, I will!
I am not against vaccines but fear them. I refuse to believe Bella was part of that “2%” who have a “severe adverse reaction” to a vaccine. Bella is NOT a statistic. I also do not believe in coincidences. These are just my beliefs and I am not a medical expert nor do I claim to be. I am simply a bereaved parent wanting answers if for no other reason than to prevent another family from experiencing the same tragedy. 
I’m curious about other peoples’ thoughts and experiences and if anyone knows of any research that can help me find answers, I would appreciate hearing from you.
Thank you for helping me #StayStrong❤️