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Growing Up Is A Blessing

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The “would have been” milestones have a way of bringing grief back to the forefront. These are the times I dread most. The days don’t stop passing no matter how much I want them to stand still. Time is the growing divider between the present moment and the last time I saw her face.

I have been dreading this week since the day she left me. I have a hard time imagining what life would be like if she were still here, but I am certain she would be excited to be starting school. Instead of watching her get on the school bus, I will be sitting on the sidelines looking at photos and reading posts about other parents seeing their children off to school for the first time.

It’s hard as a loss-parent to read about how sad some parents are about these milestones. It’s hard enough to see these days pass by without her, but when others take these moments for granted, it’s like adding salt to the wound. Don’t be sad it’s happening, be thankful!
I’m not here to tell you not to be sad that your baby is growing up; I’m here to remind you how blessed you are that you get to watch your baby grow up! I’m not going to tell you not to be anxious about your baby being away from you all day for the first time because it’s hard not to know what they are doing or if they’re okay. I will, however, reassure you that your child is okay and well cared for!
Starting school is a major milestone for a child but it’s often one we as parents dread because it means our babies aren’t babies anymore. I am going to remind you that your baby will ALWAYS be your baby, no matter what! Nothing can change that, just like Bella will always be my baby. But Bella will always BE a baby because she didn’t get to grow up. Growing up means your baby is learning and experiencing, and this also means you have the privilege of watching them learn and grow.

So please, be grateful! Be present! And don’t let your thoughts affect your child’s experience (because they can sense our anxiety). Be proud! Be open, because your child is about to blow you away with how quickly they can learn. And most of all, CELEBRATE! We celebrate when our baby says his first words or takes her first steps, so remember to celebrate this milestone too.

This is a big week for many kids. I’ll be thinking of all Bella’s friends this week. Best of luck to you all. I hope you make your mommies and daddies very proud.

Much love,

#StayStrong❤️

Happy 4th Birthday in Heaven

altcarter 3 Comments

It takes months to build pillars of strength to hold me up, but a moment is all it takes for it to crumble. I’m exhausted and continue to struggle to process this past week. It was Bella’s birthday on Monday. She would have been 4 years old.

For some reason, the day before always seems to be harder for me. I’m not sure if it’s the anticipation or if it’s my way of making the actual day a bit easier. I tend to underestimate how difficult anniversaries are. I expect it to get easier as time passes, but it doesn’t. The reality of child loss is that life gets in the way of your grief and you do begin to live again. But anniversaries bring grief back. Raw grief. With grief comes pain. The type of pain that makes you wish you weren’t alive. It grabs me by the throat and won’t let me breathe. Every. Single. Time.

I can’t imagine what life would be like if Bella were here. So much has changed since she left, many changes were a result of her leaving. The questions don’t stop flowing but there are no answers to these burning thoughts. It’s energy wasted, yet it seems uncontrollable on days like this.

On days like her birthday, I revert to living breath by breath and count down the minutes until the day is over. I’m at a place now that not every day is difficult. I have wonderful days filled with love and laughter. I think and speak about Bella every single day, but on ordinary days, these thoughts and words are not overpowered by pain. On days like her birthday or the anniversary of her passing, not a moment passes that I don’t think of her. I can’t NOT think of her. The day is spent remembering what is missing. On a day such as the anniversary of you child’s birth, how can you think of anything other than the pain of living without them. The thought is inconceivable to any parent…yet this is my reality.

I now understand that twice a year, on June 28th and November 14th, I am allowed to take these days off. I am giving myself permission to be absent from life and allowing myself to step into my grief. I will do whatever I need to do in order to get through these days, regardless of what that looks like (as long as I am not causing anyone else pain). I am learning that on these two days every year, nothing will help me escape the tragedy of losing my baby girl. On these days, I give myself permission to break, crumble, cry, and scream. I allow myself to be angry and sad. I give myself permission to express these feelings. On these days, I am giving myself the gift of the day to myself, to allow grief to run its course.

Every year for Bella’s birthday, I ask my friends and family to help spread love and kindness to honour Bella’s memory with Bella Angel Cards. This year, I raffled off a prize to encourage people to scatter kindness. At first I was disappointed by the lack of involvement, but the few people that participated REALLY understood the meaning. Making people smile feels wonderful and can become addicting. One person had 20 entries and there were 48 entries in total. The winner was drawn randomly although all the storied touched my heart. It was hearing about these random acts of kindness that helped me get through a very difficult day.

After a quiet supper, I invited my parents and Nonna to come over for cake. A birthday wouldn’t be a birthday without cake! Hudson spontaneously sang Happy Birthday to Bella as I brought the cake into the living room. It was beautiful and put a huge smile on my face. I am grateful he is growing up remembering his sister. It’s important that he never forget her. It’s important that we all remember Bella. This is how she lives on.❤️👼🏼

#HappyBirthdayinHeaven #Grief #RawGrief #BirthdayGrief #AnniversaryGrief #ChildLoss #StayStrong❤️

Rainbows From Heaven

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I have spent the last 2 days looking at photos of Bella’s first 4 months and finally started uploading them to online storage. It has taken me over two years just to be able to look at them. I experienced a lot of technical difficulties, which has been rather frustrating and I thought it may be a sign that it wasn’t the time to do this, but I persisted and finally succeeded. I also spent some time today working on my chapter for a special book (my next project, stay tuned for more details). While working on the chapter, I was reminded that Bella will always show her presence when I need it most. I had a feeling I would see a rainbow today. Photos can’t fully capture how incredibly beautiful this was. Thank you, Bella!👼🏼❤️

#StayStrong❤️

Beware of Bears!

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About three weeks ago, I was sitting in my living room while Aria slept on me. Tom came in with my mom and asked me if I had a visitor: someone big, black, and furry. I wondered whose dog got loose, but when Tom clarified that he meant a bear, I was in disbelief.
A cub, maybe 2 years old, found his way into my kitchen and took a package of hamburger buns. He left my home and ate his snack on the hill in my yard, where Tom and my mom found him. The door to my home was open and the buns that were on my table were missing. Sneaky bear!

I wasn’t afraid and didn’t feel threatened, but it would have been completely different had the bear decided to explore my home. I’m not sure what I would have done had he came into my living room where I was sitting with my 3 month old baby.

We have had a few visitors since then and this past Saturday we caught a bear in action. It was just after midnight. Tom and I were still up when we heard noise coming from outside, so we went to investigate. The biggest bear I have ever seen was trying to get into our porch! He knocked the window and screen out of our door and was standing with his head through the door. He managed to squeeze through a small opening and we ran to the kitchen to get a closer look at him. He was at least 400 lbs and took up most of the porch! He grabbed a bag of garbage and went out the door, made himself comfortable on my front lawn and ate his meal. He came back into the porch two more times, and by the third time, the door was demolished. The bear could have easily gotten into our house if he wanted to! We knocked on the window to try to scare him away but our presence didn’t phase him.

I have lived in Larder Lake my entire life. It’s a small town in Northern Ontario. We are surrounded by bush and wildlife, but bears have never been a problem before last year. These bears aren’t typical bears either; they don’t fear humans!

The bears roam freely looking for food, and while they don’t pose an immediate danger to humans (as black Bears aren’t carnivores), they can attack if they feel threatened. I am concerned for the safety of the residents of Larder Lake, especially our children. Bears are wild animals and are unpredictable. It’s only a matter of time before someone gets hurt, as as a grieving mother I know that tragedies do happen!

Parents aren’t allowing their children to go out alone and are keeping their pets indoors. We have been in our backyard while a bear has run through the yard. Bears have shown up at playgrounds while our children were playing! A bear has been sleeping behind a vacant house across the street from us. They aren’t just coming here to eat, they are sleeping here too!

When we see a bear, we are told to report it to BearWise (who offer suggestions on how to keep bears away, things we are already doing) and report it to the police. If there is an immediate threat, such as a bear in your home, we are to call 9-1-1. Since residents are not seeing any action resulting from these phone calls, people aren’t calling as often as they should or reporting every encounter which makes it seem much less of an issue than it really is. Phone calls to the Ministry of Natural Resources have been just as useful. I sent photos to CTV News on Monday and a reporter was at my house the next day. The MNR were in town setting a trap while the reporter was in town because they were aware CTV was doing a story about it! They should have been here long before that!

I don’t know what’s causing our bear problem but believe an increase in population to be the major issue. The Government is piloting a spring bear hunt project to see if this will help, but this will take years before we see a difference. Deforestation is likely causing the bears to move in closer, and although it isn’t common, people have been feeding bears. In fact, we attended a live animal presentation in our community earlier this month and the presenter stated that it isn’t a problem to feed bears (not exactly a responsible thing to say in a community where there is an abundance of bears). Authorities discourage people from feeding them as it can cause bears to come into town looking for food. It’s also teaching them not to fear us!

I almost hit a large bear on my way to town today as he ran across the highway in front of my car. I have seen many bears on the side of the road, but have never come so close to hitting one. Our community needs a solution before someone gets hurt. Shortly after the MNR set the trap, a cub was caught and relocated. The trap was set again but I’m not sure if any more bears were caught and relocated. Bears tend to find their way back, so we will wait and see what happens in the weeks to come.

Click HERE to watch the CTV News segment from Tuesday. I was also interviewed by Evan Solomon on News Talk Radio in Ottawa, but I don’t know how to access the interview. Please share your thoughts on the issue and send prayers to keep us safe until the situation is resolved.

It Comes… And It Goes… And The Circle Of Grief Continues

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All is calm. Happiness fills my heart and gratitude radiates from within. The first few months with our rainbow baby were a bit challenging, but not for the reasons I had anticipated. I expected it to be much more difficult emotionally and was concerned about my ability to bond with Aria. I am relived that my concerns were not validated.

Aria is much like her angel sister and was very fussy when she first entered this world. This was quickly followed by difficulties with sleep, which are ongoing. Bella had severe colic and I was unable to figure out what caused her to scream for 9+ hours every day for the first three and a half months. Her entire life, she was a very restless sleeper, didn’t like to nap, and the only place she would sleep was in my arms. I often feel as though I am reliving life with Bella all over again.

I vowed to enjoy every moment with Aria, even the not-so-pleasant times. It’s very difficult to enjoy the moments of screaming. The expectations I set resulted in too much pressure which left me disappointed in myself. I collapsed with guilt and battled through grief to discover these expectations were suffocating me. I was preventing my own happiness. I had to experience a severe wave of grief in order to understand my emotions, which took a lot of effort and energy. I am thankful that I have the ability to see things for what they are when I take a step back. I am also grateful for my amazing fiancée who remains at my side holding my hand at all times. He has been incredibly supportive and understands me even when I don’t understand myself.

I have accepted that I won’t enjoy every moment with Aria. I now see that you can be grateful for a moment even when you don’t enjoy it. This is where I am today. I am thankful for Aria and appreciate her, but I am not loving this sleep deprived state that has become my norm. I also didn’t enjoy trying to soothe a screaming baby for the majority of the day for the first few weeks of her life. And I accept with how I feel about it because it’s real!

Lessons from Bella continue to positively affect me. I am a better person because of her, and a better mother. I am much more calm and patient with Aria than I was with my other children, which is partly because I am more centred and grounded, but also because of the appreciation I have for Aria. She fills my broken heart with pure love and joy!
Life isn’t always about enjoyment. Sometimes it’s about survival. And that’s okay!
❤️

It’s been 2 years. 24 months. 104 weeks…

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It feels like a lifetime has passed since I’ve seen my baby girl. Yet, at the same time, it’s hard to believe that 2 years have passed. My life has changed so much since I last saw her. That mother who held her baby girl on the last day of her son’s first year of school would not recognize this grieving mother typing these words. We are the same body, same DNA, but most other things have changed.
The last 2 years has taught me some tough lessons. I already knew that nothing was more important than family. I now know just how much my family means to me, how much we mean to each other. We were there to hold each other up when the world collapsed at our feet. That love we feel for one another is pure and selfless. During the last 24 months, we have put each other ahead of ourselves. We take turns seeing the light and holding it in front of the others when their eyes are closed. We go so far as to breathe for each other when it’s too painful to live.

I wouldn’t still be alive today if it weren’t for my family. I know that even though we will each take our turn to transition to the spirit world, our bond will be everlasting. I understand that our time together during this life is limited. This thought makes me cry every time I think about it, but the tears are reminders to make the most of the time we have together as we can’t predict how long we have! Age is not a predictor… And surviving one tragedy doesn’t grant you immunity from another…

May our family continue to hold each other up in the decades to come. May we continue to love and respect one another and thrive on this unconditional love. May we be each others’ strength and remind one another when it matters most that we will always be here for each other. Things aren’t always perfect, but love always wins! May we #StayStrong❤️

Bella’s second Angelversary was spent with a few family members. We had a quiet lunch and held the space for one another. The family who could not be here in person were with us in spirit. I am grateful that when I need them most, I can always count on my family!

Grace is Everywhere!

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It wasn’t until after the sudden loss of my daughter, Bella, that I was able to see that grace surrounds me. It exists everywhere; you just have to look for it! To me, “grace” is a divine gift that touches your soul; these gifts come in many forms. The most obvious form grace has shown up in my life since Bella’s transition has been signs from heaven. These signs have been a comfort to me as I grieve. They have taught me that my daughter is still with me even if I can’t see or touch her. Bella has brought me many blessings including an incredible man who I look forward to marrying, an amazing trip to Maui, and a beautiful rainbow baby. I share the most incredible sign from Bella in the book 365 Moments of Grace.

The Ultrasound Miracle: Hello, Bella!

My daughter, Bella, was only 19 months old when she passed away unexpectedly. It wasn’t long after her transition to the spirit world that she began sending me signs that she was still with me. 

I began finding rocks in strange places, such as under furniture and inside of toys. Rainbows began appearing frequently, often in places with no explanation. Electronic devices would start up and Bella’s toys would turn on, sometimes when the batteries were dead. Her favourite doll was motion activated and would talk when no one was in the room. This was her way of letting me know she was still with me, and I continue to be comforted by her presence.

Last July, I discovered I was pregnant. I was very anxious about the pregnancy and fearful of how I would react to a new baby. I felt a strong need to know the baby’s gender to help me prepare emotionally. I felt Bella’s presence during our ultrasound and knew she was with us. When the ultrasound technician told us we were having a girl, tears of joy began to flow uncontrollably. 

Shortly after we left the hospital, a rainbow appeared in the sky – confirmation that Bella was with us.

I had posted a few ultrasound photos on Facebook, and a few weeks later, a friend told me to turn one of the photos sideways and look behind the baby’s head. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I looked and saw there was a face behind the baby. But what I saw was not just any face; it was Bella’s face! I layered a photo of Bella taken a month before she passed and placed it over the ultrasound. It was a match! Bella’s eyes, nose, and lips matched up perfectly. Even wisps of her hair are visible in the ultrasound photo!

I have experienced many miracles since my daughter’s transition, but I have never seen anything so incredible. I know Bella is with her baby sister, and that helps fill my broken heart with love.

❤️

365 Moments of Grace is a book of true-life stories of grace, miracles, and transformations from beautiful souls all around the world. This soulful collection contains one grace-filled story for each day of the year from over 250 authors, including Kristine Carlson, Arielle Ford, Christine Arylo…and me! 🙂 This book is sure to inspire, uplift, and remind you of just how magical our world is and how connected we truly are. It makes a great gift for friends, family, and other loved ones…including yourself! You can learn more about the book HERE. You can also read what my co-author, Karla Joy Huber wrote about the book HERE.

Plus, if you order now, you’ll receive lots of soulful bonus gifts – all created by the contributing authors – including guided meditations, ebooks, ecourses, and much more! Click HERE and enter your order number to get your free gifts (available until August 31).

Tomorrow will mark the second anniversary of Bella’s transition. Part of her message to me was that love heals and I am asking for help tomorrow to help spread LOVE in the form of Random Acts of Kindness in honour of Bella. The free gift I contributed to 365 Moments of Grace are Bella Angel Cards, which can be printed HERE.

Please consider printing and using these cards. I love hearing about how people are using their cards and hope to hear from you. Love heals, and together we can make the world a better place.

#StayStrong❤️
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Staying Strong to Rememer

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It is calm and quiet. I am alone with my thoughts. I’m thinking about where I was 2 years ago and how so much has changed. The end of the school year will always be a difficult time for me, but some years will be harder than others. This is one of those harder years.

I struggle to remember details at times, and sometimes I forget entire events. This is the result of trauma. It’s frustrating when something that was a strength becomes a limitation. My mind blocks out memories from before the trauma, most likely to protect me. I’m ready to break free from this safety net. I desperately need to remember.

My worst fear after losing Bella was that I would forget. I was afraid to forget her smell, the sound of her voice, things she did or said. I was so thankful that I took as many photos of her as I did, but photos couldn’t capture everything. As time goes on, my worst fears are coming true. There is no way I can possibly remember everything about her. And it’s when my memory fails me that I feel I am failing her.

But some things I will never forget. Two years ago, Hudson graduated from preschool and they had a party for the kids. Bella was there with us. She watched the kids on the inflatables in awe as she held on to a doll that belonged to the daycare. The only toy she had any attachment to at home was her stuffed Barney, so this stood out to me. I remember feeding her strawberries and her and I laughing. I remember feeling so much love for her! She was always doing something that made me laugh, and that night she tried to climb into the kiddie pool that was full of ice and drinks, and refused to take no for an answer. She had a very determined personality and did not like to obey. After the party, Hudson asked for ice cream so I took them to McDonalds. We went through the drive-through because it was easier than going inside, and although I knew Bella would make a mess, I chose not to care. She surprised me and didn’t actually make much of a mess.

It’s a strange feeling when a thought brings you so much joy and pain at the same time. I am grateful for the memories created with Bella yet I physically feel pain when I think about them. It takes strength to push through the pain to be able to enjoy these memories.

Bella would have graduated from preschool this year. We would have attended the party together. She would have had so much fun! But instead of celebrating that milestone with my daughter, I got to see photos of the event online. These painful reminders are the reality of a bereaved parent. Every milestone she misses out on, I will sit back and watch my friends’ children achieve. And I don’t believe this will get any easier with time.

Looking back at photos of that wonderful day with Bella is bittersweet. I didn’t remember was how she kept throwing her food in the garbage can, which was what we were laughing at. Bella would often throw her food on the floor, and my late dog Buddy loved Bella for this reason. That day, Bella discovered the garbage can!
Today, I am thankful for these photos to remind me of the things I would have otherwise forgotten. As much as memories may hurt, they mean more to me than the air I breathe.

A Dream Come True

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365 Moments of Grace was released yesterday and hit #1 in its category in the US and Canada within hours! It is officially an International Bestseller! I am beyond grateful to be a part of something so special. It contains personal stories of grace, miracles, and transformations from beautiful souls all around the world. This collection is sure to inspire, uplift, and remind you of just how magical our world is and how connected we truly are. You can order your copy from me directly for $25 CAD (I am willing to sign and ship copies out but shipping costs will be added) or you can order online by clicking here: http://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/0989313794/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=15121&creative=330641&creativeASIN=0989313794&linkCode=as2&tag=stastrprolif-20
Thank you so much for all the support! This is proof that dreams really do come true! 

365 Moments of Grace

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I’m so excited to announce the release of a brand-new book, 365 Moments of Grace. It contains 365 personal stories of grace, miracles, and transformations from over 250 beautiful souls all around the world, including Kristine Carlson, Arielle Ford, Christine Arylo…and ME! :).
If you’re looking for inspiration, this book will restore your faith and re-awaken your sense of wonder in the Universe! Topics include: divine intervention, near-death experiences, messages from beyond, and many others!
This collection is sure to inspire, uplift, and remind you of just how magical our world is and how connected we truly are. It makes a great gift for friends, family, and other loved ones…including yourself! You can learn more about the book here: http://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/0989313794/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=15121&creative=330641&creativeASIN=0989313794&linkCode=as2&tag=stastrprolif-20
Plus, if you order now, you’ll receive lots of soulful bonus gifts – all created by the contributing authors – including guided meditations, ebooks, ecourses, and much more!
I’m so excited to share this book with you. So much love has gone into it, and I can’t wait for you to take all of that love into your heart!