Waiting on Grief at Christmas

Christmas is over, the new year is here, and I’m still waiting for grief to make her appearance. I have learned to embrace grief because she reminds me how important Bella was to me. In her absence, the reminder of love is replaced with guilt. I don’t understand why grief has remained absent this holiday season.

I knew it would be a different kind of Christmas this year, quieter than usual. Our focus was on our little family as it was our first Christmas that we were all together. It was Aria’s first Christmas and it was also our first Christmas with my youngest step-son. It was a beautiful love-filled day and seeing the excitement on the kids faces along with witnessing the love they have for one another was magical.

Christmas Day was also the anniversary of our engagement. Last year, Tom changed the meaning of Christmas for me by asking me to marry him. Christmas is now a day we celebrate us, our love, and the beautiful life we are creating together.

In the weeks leading up to Christmas, I surprised myself by founding joy in the little things. I enjoyed buying gifts for the kids every time I went into a store and I actually enjoyed wrapping gifts this year, something I used to find great pleasure in but haven’t enjoyed at all since Bella left.

Maybe this is a sign of healing. I am no longer certain that I can predict my grief, and even with this guilt that I feel, it’s much easier to deal with than a broken heart.

In the midst of grief, it may seem as though you will never find joy again. Christmas is an especially difficult time for anyone grieving as it is a time we focus on our family and when someone important is missing, it’s impossible to let it go! It’s a sad time for many…

But I’m here to offer hope. The holidays don’t have to be difficult forever!

For me, it was about finding a different focus at Christmas. Yes, Bella is missing in the physical sense, but her presence remains strong. She was playing with her sisters toys often throughout the holidays and we were often awoken in the middle of the night with a song coming from the toys in the living room. One night, the toys were rotating and as one song would end, another toy would begin playing a different song. This went on for quite some time. These occurrences remind us that Bella is still here.

For loss-parents (or anyone grieving) some days will be about survival and the focus will be getting through one moment at a time. But not every day will always be difficult. Not every Christmas will be difficult either. I’m thankful I have found another focus at Christmas and I hope that anyone who had a difficult holiday season this year can find a new focus next year.

As for my guilt, I understand that my lack of sadness cannot diminish the love I feel for Bella. It also doesn’t take away from how much I miss her and wish she was here. By accepting my reality and choosing to live a life of happiness, I am making myself and my family a priority. I’m sure grief will visit soon enough, but rather than try to understand her absence, I choose to accept and embrace this joy I feel. I’m certain that Bella doesn’t want me to feel sadness. She reminds me that “love heals,” and I am so blessed to be surrounded by love.

A Stranger Can Help Mend a Shattered Heart

After Bella passed, my brother-in-law asked me if I would like to have molds made of Bella’s hand and foot. It would be a small piece of her I could keep forever. I was in a fog and don’t remember the details, but I know the funeral home went above and beyond to meet my request and make the impressions. I will forever be grateful for this gift.

When the impressions were brought to me, I was staying with my parents and that’s where they remained for well over a year. I came across someone online who casted beautiful keepsakes (including hand/foot impressions) and I asked her if she could make something for me out of the impressions I had of Bella. She wasn’t sure what she could do but asked me to take photos of the impressions I had.

The molds of Bella’s hand and foot finally made it home! I recognized the black bag Bella’s urn came in, but when I looked inside, I assumed I was mistaken as my son’s drawings were inside. I put the bag on a chair in my kitchen and it somehow ended up on the floor. When I picked the bag up, I reached inside to see what else was inside. I knew the instant I felt clay that the bag was in fact from Bella’s urn. I realized the molds of her hand and foot were in there. I removed the first piece of clay; I was in disbelief as I looked at the broken piece of my daughter’s foot in my hand. Shock set in and grief shattered me all over again as I struggled to breathe. One of the last pieces I have of Bella was broken. I felt as though I was experiencing her death all over again. I wrote about the experience HERE.

Shortly after posting the story on my blog, my dentist contacted me and wanted to see the mold as she knew someone who may be able to help fix it. Months went by and I finally made the trip to meet with the man from the dental lab. He wasn’t able to help me, but told me about a local woman who does casting and purchases supplies from the lab. He also told me about a new chiropractor clinic down the street who casts feet for orthotics.

I felt as though I was on a wild goose chase for someone to help me. The man at the chiropractor/orthotic clinic didn’t know if he could help but offered to do research for me. I’m sure it was a little shocking to have a complete stranger stop by with her deceased child’s broken foot in a box desperately hoping for someone to fix it. I appreciate the kindness and respect shown to me but began feeling my situation was hopeless.

My next stop was to deliver a book to a dear friend. The visit was short but this woman’s energy always uplifts me. I told her about the impression of Bella’s foot and she immediately suggested I contact “Lynne.” I’m not sure how I knew who she meant but I instinctively knew she was right! “Lynne is the person the man at the lab told me about!” I immediately realized that “Lynne” was also the person I asked to make me a precious keepsake out of the molds in the first place. I never did get back to her.

I found Lynne’s business page, To Have & To Hold Belly Casting & More, on Facebook and immediately sent her a message. She got back to me within minutes and an hour later I was standing in her kitchen with Bella’s foot on her counter.

Love and compassion radiated from Lynne and I could tell she really wanted to help me; however, she didn’t have any experience fixing molds. I was asking her to step out of her comfort zone; Bella’s foot was irreplaceable and there was no room for error. We didn’t even know what type of clay the impression was made from. I felt Bella’s presence surround us and I felt complete trust in her. I left the molds with Lynne and knew she was capable of fixing this shattered mess. I trusted the process and put all my faith into the universe expecting a miracle!

Lynne kept me updated throughout the process. The first obstacle was determining the type of clay the impressions were made from. I contacted the director of the funeral home and asked her what type of clay she used; she wasn’t sure but said it was from Dollarama. I suddenly remembered a package of clay I had in my closet. I had an urge to buy it when I was at Dollarama one day. I have no idea why I bought it but figured I’d need it. (Thankfully, I always trust my intuition!) I snapped a photo of the package of clay and sent it to the funeral home director. She recognized the package. Unfortunately, this type of clay is very fragile and would eventually disintegrate over time.

Lynne consulted with many experts around the world and knew she would have to glue the pieces together, but finding a glue that would hold without damaging the clay wouldn’t be easy. The pieces needed to be strong enough to withstand the pressure to take an impression. Her first attempt failed and the glue didn’t hold, but the second type of glue held, but would it be strong enough?

I left the rest of to Lynne. She managed to make an impression of the glued mold, then made an impression of the impression. The process was long and stressful, but it was a success! I trusted that she would make something beautiful for me. She explained that the material she uses is as hard as stone and wouldn’t break.

After 3 months, I finally got to see the results! I picked up the gorgeous pieces and they were even more beautiful than I had imagined! Lynne created two shadowboxes, one with the imprint and one with the outprint. She even made a Christmas ornament for me so I would be able to touch Bella’s hand any time I want.

This incredible woman managed to give a piece of my daughter back to me. No one can bring Bella back, but she was able to bring her foot back, and that’s as good as it will get for me. This gift from a stranger, this random act of kindness, helped mend a few cracks in my grieving heart. A piece of Bella came home and is now on my wall for me to look at every single day, all thanks to one woman. She put countless hours into researching and even more hours completing the process. I know this was a complicated procedure, but I also know she had a little assistance from Bella.

Thank you, Lynne, from the bottom of my heart, for restoring something that is irreplaceable. Thank you for all your time and effort. You are a beautiful soul and I am so grateful for you and the work that you do!❤️

If you are in the Timmins area and know someone who experiences the loss of a child, please let them know about Lynne at To Have & To Hold Belly Casting & More and give them the option to have a precious keepsake created of their child. It’s a gift that is everlasting!

A Moment Forgotten

I have mastered putting grief in a box and leaving it on the shelf. Time has taught me that dust never settles on this box as the lid opens itself at unexpected times and let’s bits of grief escape. It’s when these broken pieces begin to show up unannounced that I realize my priorities need to shift. Grief won’t subside until you give it the attention it demands. It never fully leaves as it resides within you, but over time the pressure builds and it’s important to relieve it before the pressure is too great. 
Tonight, I made grief my priority. In doing this, I realized my pain is much more complex this time. Postpartum hormones are still in effect, but having another daughter to love and care for creates complexity I was unable to prepare for yet fully expected. My emotions aside, caring for a new baby changes everything in your life and you are no longer a priority! 
This video was shared with my today and it reminded me to make myself a priority for a short while. When our cup is empty, we have nothing left to give others, but my cup was full of grief. It will take time to empty this cup of the darkness before I can fill it with light, but the process has begun.
. . .
She eases her broken self gently into the calm water. The wave surrounds her and caresses her as she falls apart. The memories that were forgotten create a new pain reminding her what is lost. A precious life that cannot be regained. Moments that can’t be relived, because once a moment is gone, you can’t get it back… She envisions the past and anger surfaces. She feels angry that she had to learn such tough life lessons. Her past traumas erased by the greatest trauma any mother could face. She misses her child and aches to reunite with her. The thoughts flow through her as tears fall, every tear shedding pain. She gracefully hugs herself as she opens her eyes. She looks down at her arm and reminds herself to #StayStrong❤
Click HERE to view Video.

Hello Grief

It doesn’t happen overnight. It creeps up slowly and then at your weakest moment it grabs a hold of you and rips your breath out of your lungs leaving you empty. 
The monster enjoys watching me struggle. I’m sleep deprived. My mind is foggy and I struggle to put my thoughts into words. I try to explain how I feel but I can’t make sense of it. How can I expect others to understand when I don’t understand it myself?
The monster leaves me feeling alone and isolated. It blocks reality and my perception becomes one of abandon. I’m standing in the middle of the road naked during a thunderstorm with nothing to protect me. No one knows that I’m breaking again. I hide behind my strength so well that even my best friend doesn’t see behind this mask. 
My raw soul bleeds once more as I fight to run away from the monster within. I call it by name but by the time I become aware of its presence, it’s too late to hide. It’s back and it hits me full force. Yet by now I know all too well that the only way to get it to leave is to feel it.
Hello grief. We meet again…

Struggles of a New Mother

Long days suck. Especially after long nights. I’m exhausted and irritable. I’m emotional and frustrated. These days seem to drag on forever. I let her sleep in my arms because that’s where she’s happy, so that’s where she will stay. Judge me if you wish but it doesn’t change a thing. Some babies are fussier than others and sometimes we do what we need to in order to get by. Some days we have to look a little harder for the enjoyable moments. All you have to do is open your eyes a little bit wider and hopefully you will find a smile. I’m grateful for these difficult days because not every mother has the chance to hear her baby cry or be up with her child through the night. I love her so much and I’m thankful she is here. Not every day will be easy but she is definitely worth it!!!! ❤️

Introducing Our Rainbow🌈

Our Rainbow Has Arrived!🌈Introducing Aria Isabella Armstrong 

Born March 25 at 4:21 am 

7 lbs 15 oz, 21″ long

She came during a snow storm and made a quick grand entrance that took us all by surprise. Our hearts are so full of love! ❤️ Baby Aria is doing well but I’m struggling with some complications and am on bed rest. I was planning a more heartfelt post than this to make the announcement but I don’t have the energy for it just yet and wanted to let the world know she arrived. It’s time to take care of me now but I’ll share more when I am able to.

Shattered Once Again

I reached into the bag and couldn’t believe what I felt. It was Bella’s foot, the mold they did at the funeral home. Well, it was a piece of it. One of many. Broken, just like my heart. Something else gone forever. Irreplaceable.

I looked in the bag a week ago and pulled some of Hudson’s artwork out. I assumed the rest was his belongings. In the days following, it went from the table to the chair, then the floor.

It’s no ones fault. Accidents happen. Maybe it was never meant to be mine. Maybe it’s a message from Bella, although I’m not certain what she could be telling me.

It was traumatic to see her smashed foot. It brought me back to the day she died. I was reliving the worst moment of my life once again. I was in shock! I couldn’t believe what I was looking at. Anger quickly flooded me and I sadly misdirected that anger. I’m sorry… I am angry and I have every reason to be. But there is no excuse to blame anyone for something that was no ones fault. It was an unfortunate accident. Nothing more.

The anger quickly turned to guilt as I realized what I had just done. I caused someone I love pain, and that’s not something to take lightly. But that was temporarily overshadowed by my grief. I wept. Then I felt pain take over my body an inch at a time until I no longer had control. A deep scream escaped my throat and as my entire body became tense, I fought to swallow the next scream as once they start coming, they are impossible to stop!

That swallow took my breath from me. The back of my throat closed and no matter how hard I tried, no air would come. Something was blocking my breath! I panicked and fought it with all my strength. I began to kick. Glass shattered as I began to flail.

I tried to tell him I couldn’t breathe but the words were lost. I stared into his eyes afraid for him to watch me die. Then I remembered the life growing inside of me. And I fought harder! It’s not my time! My baby needs me! Help me!!!

His calmness was artificial but his love is a powerful force. His energy surrounded me and I suddenly felt protected. I was able to take a breath.

His voice reassured me that I was alright. He told me to relax and breathe, and I obeyed. The second breath rushed into my lungs. As the third breath came, I felt my muscles begin to relax.

I was breathing heavy and my body was numb. I could feel my heartbeat radiate through every cell of my body. I laid on the bed immobile and confused. I had no idea what just happened to be. I was thankful to be alive.

I wept some more and released the fear. This was followed by anger and guilt. I took a deep breath and focused my attention on my body. I felt the life force within and inhaled appreciation.

Days later I still have difficulty understanding what happened and why. But the answer is simple. This is grief. It’s rips you apart, fills you with pain and literally takes your breath away. There is no way to predict when it will visit, how long it will stay or how much damage it will cause. But this is something every parent experiences when they lose a child. This is the price of love. This is the result of loss. It is trauma. It is debilitating. But for me, it is reality.

#StayStrong❤️

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The Healing Power of a Mother’s Love

It breaks my heart that my 6 year old son knows so much about death. Tonight he was playing innocently with his Legos asking questions about “Baby Carl” (his nickname for his new sibling). I would expect normal questions about birth and where babies come from. It may not be “normal” for children to ask about babies and death, but his questions did not surprise me.

The other night we were driving home from dance class and Hudson asked me how Baby will come out of Mommy’s belly. I admit that I wasn’t prepared for him to ask such a question (as I’m sure all parents feel when it inevitably comes up). I took a deep breath and answered him the only way I know how. Honestly!

What I find surprising is that the abnormal questions my son asks that are related to the trauma our family has endured are the ones I find easiest to answer. Discussions about grief and death are now second nature. And as always, when these questions are asked, I answer my 6 year old with pure and wholehearted honesty.

A child should not fear what may happen if his sibling dies before he/she is born… But mine does. He should not worry about what will happen if Mommy dies before the Baby is born, and what would happen to Baby if Mommy’s heart stopped beating. I reassure him that everything will be alright and these things won’t happen. Yet, as experience has taught me, bad things DO happen and CAN happen at any time.

I consciously choose to be open with my son about death because I know that by helping him understand, I am helping him cope. Unanswered questions often leads to fear. By answering his questions, I am helping him feel safe. By answering honestly, I am establishing trust. Thankfully it’s rare that a child sees his sibling die. But mine did. And I am coping with it the only way I know how.

Some people have warned our family to be careful what we expose the children to, that what they see or hear may traumatize them. Others have told me not to cry in front of my son. But what I have learned is that there is nothing more healing than LOVE and honesty. Yes, there are things you should protect your child from, but it’s necessary to be open to the healing powers of LOVE. We allowed the children to say goodbye to Bella, and seeing her didn’t cause harm because they were prepared for what they would see. Crying in front of my son teaches him that it’s okay to be sad. Communicate with your children and build that trust. Because a bit of LOVE and honesty go a long way.image

Look Past The Darkness To See The Rainbows

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I feel sad. A dark haze envelops me. It’s constantly there although it’s easier to ignore when the sun shines through. Sunny days are rare but I embrace the sun when it chooses to show itself. Dark clouds build but the sun refuses to let it take over. It has become more challenging to look for the sunny moments so these days I wait patiently for the bright moments to make their appearance. Those who surround me hold these beams of light.

I feel exhausted. I stay focused on what needs to be done. I set small goals and then feel defeated every time I fail to accomplish the things I plan to. All of my energy is going to my rainbow baby. It’s about taking care of baby first and getting things accomplished when I can.

I am quiet but calm. I have settled in to this uncomfortable place. I shed my skin and try to blend in but the scars of child loss are much too dark to camouflage, even in this dark haze. I accept that. My scars are now a part of who I am and I chose to live without a mask.

Scars can make others feel uncomfortable, especially when you show them off to the world. The people who care enough to look past the scars and into the pain are the ones who will get see the rainbows!

A Memory Shared

July 1, 2012 – I had no idea what journey was a head of us. I knew I loved you but didn’t understand the depth of my love. I knew I would do anything for you but didn’t know the lengths I’d be forced to go. Our journey together wasn’t an easy one, but it wasn’t meant to be. We got one thing right though, baby girl; pure unconditional love.❤️

“No one will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you’re the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.” 

-Kristen Proby