Message From The Past

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This popped up on my Facebook newsfeed today and blew me away. I posted this 2 years ago. I don’t remember writing this but I do remember posting this photo. It was a big deal for me to post this because I coped with colic in private. It was (at the time) my worst nightmare. 9+ hours of screaming every single day for 3.5 months was absolute torture, and a baby who only slept in my arms (a reality that never changed).

I still have a difficult time thinking about my early days with Bella because we didn’t have an easy start. I would give anything to have happy memories with my newborn baby girl. Instead I remember a time I don’t even want to think about. I wouldn’t wish colic upon my worst enemy. But instead of holding onto anger and resentment, 2 years ago I chose to let the world know how I felt in hopes that it would reach someone in need.

Bella was my rainbow long before she left this realm. Her life purpose was to teach me, and she continues to do so and will continue to for the rest of my life. I will hold onto every memory we have together, good and bad, and hold them all close to my heart. I am deeply grateful for every second I had with her.

To all the parents complaining about stress, life, and especially parenthood, please take a moment to count your blessings. You can sit there and complain about what life has thrown at you or you can stand up, hold your head high and say Thank You! Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for the opportunities. Thank you for the joyful memories. Those happy moments make all the difficult times worth it a million times over.

I would give anything, absolutely ANYTHING, to go back to the day Bella was born and experience her life over again. Last night I was looking at photos of her first month on this planet, many of which I had never seen. As much as it is a blessing to have these moments captured, it causes me deep pain to look at them. 
If I were to go back to November 14, 2012, I would tell myself to enjoy every single moment of my angel’s life. Especially the difficult moments. I would appreciate every single second I had with her, knowing that our time together was limited. 
Bella’s birth was beautiful, and she was perfect. She slept most of the first 2 days of her life, while we were in the hospital. The day I brought her home, everything changed. Her first night at home, she woke up every time I’d put her down. After many attempts, I fell asleep in my bed with her in my arms, which is where she slept for the first year. If she wasn’t in my arms, she wouldn’t sleep. 
When she was 7 days old, we had her newborn photo shoot. It was a challenge because she was cranky for the first time. Little did I know that “cranky” would be her norm. She cried nonstop for 9 hours a day, every single day. I was in denial about the fact that my baby had colic. I was embarrassed about it and didn’t want anyone to know. I felt like a complete failure as a mother.
We rarely left home. When we did go out, someone would always comment on how cranky my baby was. This made me feel awful and ashamed, and as a result, I refused to wave my home. I didn’t want anyone seeing how my child was “less than perfect.” We also didn’t have many visitors. I am thankful for those few friends who came over despite the chaos and were willing to have conversations over the screaming while watching me pace and bounce my unconsolable baby girl. It was rare that I would ever accept help, likely because of the embarrassment, but offers were always appreciated and will never be forgotten.
I refused to accept that it was “just colic” and that she was perfectly heathy. No baby would cry that much unless something was wrong. It was a symptom of something more, but I never did find out the cause. She screamed all day every day for the first 3.5 months of her life. Those days were by far the most challenging of my entire life. After conquering colic, I can do anything!
If I could go back to the day Bella was born, I would tell myself that I would get through the colic. I would reassure myself that I was doing the best I could, and that I was capable. I would remind myself that I’m human and it is ok to be angry. I would tell myself that this experience would change me and make me strong. I would embrace those difficult moments as challenges are what help us grow, and I am thankful for what it taught me. 
I wished time away. For that I will always be regretful. You can’t take moments back once they pass. I will now always embrace life for what it is, good or bad. 
Looking back at the photos, there were many happy moments that I was unable to see at the time. It is these happy moments that will be etched in my memory for all of eternity. 
#StayStrong❤️ #Colic