July 15, 2014

I am lost for words today. I’m feeling tired and lacking energy. I’m sitting here curled up in my rainbow blanket wishing I could go back to 2 years ago and relive the roller coaster ride once more. It’s hard to believe that so much has happened in such a short period of time. I was out the night before Bella left and was telling people that the storm was finally over and how it was going to be nothing but happiness from now on. Then the next morning, the worst thing imaginable happened. I’m still in denial because life really can’t be this cruel. I feel like she’s visiting family and will be coming home any moment. I need to let go and allow myself to grieve. I need to cry. I need to feel the pain. So as I sit here, I hope that grief will come.

“The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.” – Stephen Colbert