Letting Go

Happy 6th Birthday in Heaven Sweet Angel

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I woke up this morning and it wasn’t just an ordinary day. Your sister has a cough, which always makes me anxious. She woke up coughing and I looked over at her in your old bed and told her to come cuddle with mommy. “Okay,” she said, then threw her stuffed baby shark, her choocho (soother), and rainbow blanket on the bed, then waited for me to gently pull her up. I hugged her tight and said: “Today is a special day. It’s Bella’s Birthday. Can you say Happy Birthday Bella!?” She whispered softly: “Happy Birthday Bella!” Then she pointed the painting of Bella on the wall. “Oh no. Mommy, what happened? What happened??”

Your baby sister has said a few strange things about you lately. She used to say that the pictures of you were her, but recently she started calling you “Poossa.” This is our nickname for Aria, but he strange thing is when she refers to herself, she calls herself Aria. When I ask her where Bella is, she will point to one of the 2 canvases of you on the wall, but will say Poossa, as if she’s correcting me. “There Poossa!” Of course, we have never referred to you as Poossa.

About a week ago, she started saying “Oh No!” when she points to your photos. Yesterday, when I picked her up from Daycare I asked if we would go home and see Daddy and she said “yes. See Maui?” I replied “yes, we will see Maui too.” Aria then looked at me and said “and Poossa? Go see Poossa?” I wasn’t sure what to make of this. I asked if she meant Bella and she excitedly said, “Okay!”

Aria has always been bright for her age. But I can’t wrap my head around how a 2.5 year old understands that you were a real person and something happened to you. More than that, I have no idea how to respond to her when she asks me what happened to you! How do you explain “death” to a 2 year old? I was honest and told her you are in Heaven, but of course she has no idea what that means.

You would have been 6 years old today, but you will remain 19 months old forever in my heart. As time passes, these difficult days get easier as my grief transforms. When a difficult day is approaching, something minor and completely unrelated to you will break me and I’ll cry so hard that I can’t breathe. This is my way of releasing my human emotions, which is inevitable, and makes these difficult days easier to get through. It’s also my way of letting go, as I no longer want sadness to dominate and leave me unable to cope through these milestones I am forced to get through without you.

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“…And then there was you!” – November 14, 2012

For every year that passes between your birth and the present moment, I let go a little bit more.

In letting go, I choose acceptance.

In letting go, I choose to keep putting one foot in front of the other with my head held high so I can see the beauty before me.

In letting go, I choose this life I was meant to live and decide to make the most of every day.

In letting go, I choose not to let your absence drown me in sorrow, but instead keep looking for your presence everywhere I look.

I’m sad and I miss you, but I am no longer grieving for you. Thank you for the blessings and the lessons. Thank you for always being at my side. And thank you for helping me let go.

Today, I ask for your guidance in how to respond to your baby sister. Someday she will be old enough to tell her all about you. Maybe she’s ready for that now, but what if I’m not!? I feel you in her. Maybe that’s why I don’t miss you as much as I once did. But Aria isn’t you and will never replace you, and you will always hold a special place in our family.

Happy 6th Birthday in Heaven my sweet Angel. I love you more than life!

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#StayStrong❤

July 26, 2014

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I’m always the last one to bed and the first one up. My family have been staying close. Hudson and I are back to staying at my parents place since we got back from our trip, in the bed Bella was in when she left this world. It makes me feel closer to her. My sister came to spend the night with us again last night.

I am so fortunate to have such an amazing family. I used to think what we have is the norm but now I see that it’s actually very rare.

My parents are very loving and have always been supportive of me. My oldest sister, Lori, has always been my idol. She is 12 years older and was always more of a second mother to me than a sister. Dina, the middle sister, and I didn’t get along too well growing up but it was typical sibling rivalry. Her opinion of me has always mattered more than she knew. Things have changed as we have grown and we have a new level of closeness that only comes with maturity.

Lori’s daughter, Bailey, is 12 years younger than me and is more like a sister than a niece. She was my doula at Bella’s birth and she has been most helpful with the things that need to get done since Bella’s departure. The 3 of us and Hudson spent a few days together this past week and it was more like 4 sisters.

I always knew I was blessed to grow up with my grandparents living so close. My Granny lived in the downstairs apartment of my parents house (where I have now been for 7 years) and my Nonna and Nonno lived a few houses from us, where Nonna still is. Bella was so fortunate to have been so close to her Nonna Bis. They say each other every day and had such a special bond.

Granny and Nonno are now with Bella. When she has come through with messages, Bella mentions my Grampa the most, whom I sadly never had the opportunity to meet. It sounds like her and Grampa have a close relationship now and he was the one to carry her over to the other side, although my entire family was there to welcome her. He also helps her look pretty by putting bows in her hair, which it’s clear she is very proud of.

I don’t know where I would be right now without my family. They have been the ones keeping me strong, mostly because I see that they need me to be. I’m the glue right now and as long as I hold things together, we will be ok. When I had my breakdown, I saw what it did to them, so I have no choice but to #StayStrong for them.

Yesterday, I met with two professionals, one who is making sure I am well enough to care for my son, and one who is helping me cope. In discussion with them, I realized that as long as my family needs me to be strong, I don’t think I’ll be able to let go and allow myself to feel the pain of losing Bella. I think I need to get away from here, away from my family, away from the obligation to stay strong for everyone else so I can be a mess and not feel guilty for it or worry how my pain with affect anyone else. I realize that my strength is coming from them but it’s also preventing my ability to fully grieve. And that’s ok. When the time is right and they don’t need me to be so strong, then I will finally be able to let go.

“Family is not an important thing, it is everything!” – Unknown