stay strong

#BellLetsTalk #StopTheStigma

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Today is #BellLetsTalk Day. I’m joining Bell Let’s Talk and millions of others to raise awareness about mental health. The purpose is to discuss the growing need for support and to help identify the needs of many but in order to do so, people need to admit to it before they can receive the help they need.

In the past I have struggled with #depression, #anxiety, and #anorexia that almost took my life. Over a decade later I experienced the trauma of #childloss and have been coping through #grief after the sudden loss of my daughter. I have always been very open about my struggles and have never felt embarrassed by them. I am fortunate to be surrounded by loving supportive people who have always been there for me. I am living proof that #RecoveryIsPossible!

Having a mental illness does not make you weak and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Just because the illness is not seen, it does not mean it is not real, it is just as real as any other illness that can be seen with the eye.

Let’s #StopTheStigma… Share your story of #mentalillness if you have one. Don’t be scared or ashamed. It may help someone. If everyone shared their personal stories today, I think we would be overwhelmed by the amount of people who struggle without anyone ever knowing it. Let’s empower each other ❤️

Signs from Bella

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It’s been a rough week. Leave it to Bella to brighten my day. I spent all day yesterday cleaning out and organizing. Before moving Bella’s cedar chest, I opened it and Bella the Butterfly was lit up 👼🏼

Shattered Once Again

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I reached into the bag and couldn’t believe what I felt. It was Bella’s foot, the mold they did at the funeral home. Well, it was a piece of it. One of many. Broken, just like my heart. Something else gone forever. Irreplaceable.

I looked in the bag a week ago and pulled some of Hudson’s artwork out. I assumed the rest was his belongings. In the days following, it went from the table to the chair, then the floor.

It’s no ones fault. Accidents happen. Maybe it was never meant to be mine. Maybe it’s a message from Bella, although I’m not certain what she could be telling me.

It was traumatic to see her smashed foot. It brought me back to the day she died. I was reliving the worst moment of my life once again. I was in shock! I couldn’t believe what I was looking at. Anger quickly flooded me and I sadly misdirected that anger. I’m sorry… I am angry and I have every reason to be. But there is no excuse to blame anyone for something that was no ones fault. It was an unfortunate accident. Nothing more.

The anger quickly turned to guilt as I realized what I had just done. I caused someone I love pain, and that’s not something to take lightly. But that was temporarily overshadowed by my grief. I wept. Then I felt pain take over my body an inch at a time until I no longer had control. A deep scream escaped my throat and as my entire body became tense, I fought to swallow the next scream as once they start coming, they are impossible to stop!

That swallow took my breath from me. The back of my throat closed and no matter how hard I tried, no air would come. Something was blocking my breath! I panicked and fought it with all my strength. I began to kick. Glass shattered as I began to flail.

I tried to tell him I couldn’t breathe but the words were lost. I stared into his eyes afraid for him to watch me die. Then I remembered the life growing inside of me. And I fought harder! It’s not my time! My baby needs me! Help me!!!

His calmness was artificial but his love is a powerful force. His energy surrounded me and I suddenly felt protected. I was able to take a breath.

His voice reassured me that I was alright. He told me to relax and breathe, and I obeyed. The second breath rushed into my lungs. As the third breath came, I felt my muscles begin to relax.

I was breathing heavy and my body was numb. I could feel my heartbeat radiate through every cell of my body. I laid on the bed immobile and confused. I had no idea what just happened to be. I was thankful to be alive.

I wept some more and released the fear. This was followed by anger and guilt. I took a deep breath and focused my attention on my body. I felt the life force within and inhaled appreciation.

Days later I still have difficulty understanding what happened and why. But the answer is simple. This is grief. It’s rips you apart, fills you with pain and literally takes your breath away. There is no way to predict when it will visit, how long it will stay or how much damage it will cause. But this is something every parent experiences when they lose a child. This is the price of love. This is the result of loss. It is trauma. It is debilitating. But for me, it is reality.

#StayStrong❤️

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The Healing Power of a Mother’s Love

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It breaks my heart that my 6 year old son knows so much about death. Tonight he was playing innocently with his Legos asking questions about “Baby Carl” (his nickname for his new sibling). I would expect normal questions about birth and where babies come from. It may not be “normal” for children to ask about babies and death, but his questions did not surprise me.

The other night we were driving home from dance class and Hudson asked me how Baby will come out of Mommy’s belly. I admit that I wasn’t prepared for him to ask such a question (as I’m sure all parents feel when it inevitably comes up). I took a deep breath and answered him the only way I know how. Honestly!

What I find surprising is that the abnormal questions my son asks that are related to the trauma our family has endured are the ones I find easiest to answer. Discussions about grief and death are now second nature. And as always, when these questions are asked, I answer my 6 year old with pure and wholehearted honesty.

A child should not fear what may happen if his sibling dies before he/she is born… But mine does. He should not worry about what will happen if Mommy dies before the Baby is born, and what would happen to Baby if Mommy’s heart stopped beating. I reassure him that everything will be alright and these things won’t happen. Yet, as experience has taught me, bad things DO happen and CAN happen at any time.

I consciously choose to be open with my son about death because I know that by helping him understand, I am helping him cope. Unanswered questions often leads to fear. By answering his questions, I am helping him feel safe. By answering honestly, I am establishing trust. Thankfully it’s rare that a child sees his sibling die. But mine did. And I am coping with it the only way I know how.

Some people have warned our family to be careful what we expose the children to, that what they see or hear may traumatize them. Others have told me not to cry in front of my son. But what I have learned is that there is nothing more healing than LOVE and honesty. Yes, there are things you should protect your child from, but it’s necessary to be open to the healing powers of LOVE. We allowed the children to say goodbye to Bella, and seeing her didn’t cause harm because they were prepared for what they would see. Crying in front of my son teaches him that it’s okay to be sad. Communicate with your children and build that trust. Because a bit of LOVE and honesty go a long way.image

Look Past The Darkness To See The Rainbows

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I feel sad. A dark haze envelops me. It’s constantly there although it’s easier to ignore when the sun shines through. Sunny days are rare but I embrace the sun when it chooses to show itself. Dark clouds build but the sun refuses to let it take over. It has become more challenging to look for the sunny moments so these days I wait patiently for the bright moments to make their appearance. Those who surround me hold these beams of light.

I feel exhausted. I stay focused on what needs to be done. I set small goals and then feel defeated every time I fail to accomplish the things I plan to. All of my energy is going to my rainbow baby. It’s about taking care of baby first and getting things accomplished when I can.

I am quiet but calm. I have settled in to this uncomfortable place. I shed my skin and try to blend in but the scars of child loss are much too dark to camouflage, even in this dark haze. I accept that. My scars are now a part of who I am and I chose to live without a mask.

Scars can make others feel uncomfortable, especially when you show them off to the world. The people who care enough to look past the scars and into the pain are the ones who will get see the rainbows!

Message From The Past

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This popped up on my Facebook newsfeed today and blew me away. I posted this 2 years ago. I don’t remember writing this but I do remember posting this photo. It was a big deal for me to post this because I coped with colic in private. It was (at the time) my worst nightmare. 9+ hours of screaming every single day for 3.5 months was absolute torture, and a baby who only slept in my arms (a reality that never changed).

I still have a difficult time thinking about my early days with Bella because we didn’t have an easy start. I would give anything to have happy memories with my newborn baby girl. Instead I remember a time I don’t even want to think about. I wouldn’t wish colic upon my worst enemy. But instead of holding onto anger and resentment, 2 years ago I chose to let the world know how I felt in hopes that it would reach someone in need.

Bella was my rainbow long before she left this realm. Her life purpose was to teach me, and she continues to do so and will continue to for the rest of my life. I will hold onto every memory we have together, good and bad, and hold them all close to my heart. I am deeply grateful for every second I had with her.

To all the parents complaining about stress, life, and especially parenthood, please take a moment to count your blessings. You can sit there and complain about what life has thrown at you or you can stand up, hold your head high and say Thank You! Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for the opportunities. Thank you for the joyful memories. Those happy moments make all the difficult times worth it a million times over.

The Unknown Emotions

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I’ve always been an emotional person. I’m what you would call a “highly sensitive person.” I feel things most people don’t which can be intense. It sometimes impacts my ability to function and causes physical discomforts. The weird part of it all is how often I have no idea what is happening to me or why!

My ability to feel other people’s energy can overwhelm me making it difficult to tell if what I am experiencing is my emotion to own or if it’s something I’m picking up from someone else. Since discovering that I’m an empath I most often credit the unexplained emotions to other people and refuse ownership. I have found that by recognizing the source I am able to “let go” of the feelings and quickly bounce back from it. Reiki is a great tool to help with this.

But what happens when we know the emotion is ours to own but we don’t understand the cause?

I am strong and can get trough anything. This is what I’m told and I do believe it on some level. I have a harder time saying those words to myself, especially in the last few weeks.

Change is scary, and I’m starting a new job on Monday. I’m certain this will be a positive experience for me and that it is causing some anxiety. I do not think it’s causing the majority of what I am feeling though.

My heart beats hard and I feel scared. I feel pressure in my head and I’m sensitive to noise. I fell “off centre.”

It’s time to explore what’s hiding within the depths of my soul and uncover this unknown fear. Tonight, I write down my soul and start by ripping my heart wide open again.

I may be afraid but I refuse to let fear take me over!

❤️

A Memory Shared

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July 1, 2012 – I had no idea what journey was a head of us. I knew I loved you but didn’t understand the depth of my love. I knew I would do anything for you but didn’t know the lengths I’d be forced to go. Our journey together wasn’t an easy one, but it wasn’t meant to be. We got one thing right though, baby girl; pure unconditional love.❤️

“No one will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you’re the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.” 

-Kristen Proby

The Last Night

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Exactly one year ago, I was out at a concert enjoying myself for the first time in a long time. I had kissed my baby girl goodnight and left as my broken-hearted son clung to me, tears streaming down his face begging me not to leave.
In the car, my friend looked over at me and told me we didn’t have to go, he didn’t mind staying in with the kids. I said to him “let’s go. I need this!” And off we went to see Simple Plan.
So many people were happy to see me out having fun. We even went out after the concert. It had been a long time since I had been anywhere. I had been going through such a difficult time, I really needed the break, the escape. I was at a turning point and learning that as a mother, I have needs too. That night was a huge first step in reclaiming my life.
Life was chaotic. When I tell people that Bella was a handful, it’s assumed she was a typical active child. There was nothing typical about her. She tested me in every possible way she could and introduced me to my breaking point. Add in the stress of a broken home and a 5 year old who was struggling emotionally. The 3 of us were a disaster, but we loved each other. My kids were my whole world and I know I was also theirs.
It’s hard sitting here picturing myself having fun that night a year ago knowing what was about to happen. I have thought about how that night played out countless times. How I chose to do something fun, for myself. How my kids were with my parents. How I was feeling like a teenager, wild and free. How I woke up the next morning not feeling well. How my mom had such a rough night with Bella and called to tell me she was still sleeping. How could mom have known anything was wrong? Bella never slept anywhere but with me and her nights were always rough. 
How my mom was the one to find her. That is something I would give anything to take from her…
Tonight I sit on the beach in front of my house. It may not be Maui, but it’s still beautiful. A momma duck as her ducklings pass by me. It’s her job to protect those babies. But if she didn’t take care of herself, she would no longer be able to care for them. As their mom she would do everything she could to protect them, to make sure they are happy, healthy and well. If something were to happen to one of her babies, it wouldn’t be her fault. 
Life is unpredictable and bad things can and do happen every single day. The important thing is how we cope when these bad things happen.
Had I stayed home that night, Bella would still be gone. I am certain of this. She chose to leave this realm and it’s up to us how we choose to cope with what happened. 
Tomorrow will be a difficult day for us, but we will all be together.
Please help honour Bella’s memory by wearing pink tomorrow. Thank you for the love and support.

#StayStrong❤️

If You Were Still Here…

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What would life be like if you were still here? This is a question I will ask every single day for the rest of my life. What would you look like? What kinds of things would you like? How would your personality have changed? How would you still be the same?
Would you still cling to me like I was your lifeline? Would you be just as independent and insist on doing everything on your own? Would you be just as persistent and determined to get your way? Would you still try to climb everything in sight? 
What about sleep? Would you still fight it with every breath? Or would we finally be getting some rest at night? Would you still be sleeping in my bed with me, cuddled up tight? How I miss those days…
Would you love your brother just as much, and still share your toys with him? Would you give him as many hugs and kisses as you always did? I bet you’ve never stopped…
What about your dog, Buddy, who you loved so much. Would you still try to hug and kiss him, or maybe play with him? You probably do this every day… 
I see you every day, somewhere, somehow… I see your smile, hear your whisper, feel your kiss. I feel tingles when you touch me. I know it’s you because when I start to think about you, I will suddenly feel tingles. It happens every time. 
Your brother dreams about you. He misses you so much. It still makes him sad to think about you, but when he plays with you in his dreams he always wakes up happy. Please don’t ever stop visiting him like this. 
I miss you, baby girl. We all do. It still doesn’t seem real. I keep hoping I will wake up from this nightmare and you will be in my arms safe and sound. But I am wide awake and reality is nothing will ever be the same.
Thank you for letting me know you are with me. Your reflection will never fade. I can’t feel you physically but I feel your presence and can hear your words. Please keep talking to me, I will always listen. Knowing you are here helps me #StayStrong❤️

❤️