July 14, 2014

Today is another turning point as my sister and the kids are leaving. It’s been good for Hudson to have his cousins here. I’m not sure if the quiet will be good or not but I haven’t been home much and need to get things done. My fridge has never been so empty and Hudson only has a few pairs on underwear left in his drawer. I’ve been staying with my parents since the incident and it’s getting harder and harder to be at home, likely because reality is setting in. Last night I sat in my bedroom in the rocking chair I always sit in when I put Bella to sleep, and stared at her crib. It was the first time I’ve done that since and I could have stayed there for hours, just staring and remembering. I remembered how difficult it was every night to get her to sleep. How she would toss and turn and complain, then cry/scream if I left the room. Sleep was a huge challenge and I can’t help but feel guilty for wishing time away. I would say “I can’t wait for her to be easier to get to sleep” yet now she is sleeping permanently. Be careful what you wish for… I’d give anything to go back to those difficult nights. I’d even give anything to go back to her days of colic, and that was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through. What I wouldn’t give just to hear her cry.


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