I finally cried last night. Not a big cry, but a cry nonetheless. It was our first night at home (alone) since Bella left. We have been so busy that I haven’t had much one on one time with Hudson. I ordered some books for him and last night we finally read our first one, “When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death.” Explaining to a 5 year old that his sister is gone forever is hard enough, but for him to worry about other people he loves dying is more than I can handle. Death is unpredictable and it’s unfair to make promises you can’t keep. He told me he misses Bella so much and wants to go to heaven too. “One day, baby boy, when you’re an old old man.” …I hope, but no one ever really knows for sure.
We danced last night. Our first dance party without Bella. It just wasn’t the same. But life doesn’t stop, and she would want us to dance. I’m sure she was dancing with us, but probably doing a whole bunch of new moves only an angel could pull off.
No matter how much I want to curl up in a ball and disappear, I have a little boy who needs me. And I will make sure to keep making memories, no matter how hard I need to force myself. We never know how long we have together, but it’s not about how much time you have that matters. It’s about what you do with the time you have!