My little man is off to school. He was pretty excited about his first day of SK. For the first time, it was an easy morning. No fussing, no rushing, no chaos. It was too easy. He was ready early so we went outside to take a few photos. 
The last day of school was the last day of Bella’s life, so this is really a new chapter for us. I wasn’t sure how today would affect me and the truth is I didn’t give it much thought but after Hudson’s bus drove away, I sat outside in the quiet and it hit me. I shouldn’t be here right now; I should be on my way to drop Bella off at daycare and then be going to work! I’m angry that instead of my normal day, I have to sit here, alone, in the quiet, hurting from the inside out.
A year ago, life was so hard. Shawn left in July and I was on my own with 2 kids full time. I was struggling with the separation and grieving the loss of my spouse. It was difficult and at the time I didn’t think it could be any worse. Boy, was I wrong.
I would give anything to go back to those chaotic days. Absolutely anything. I kept telling myself that “it will get easier as Bella gets older.” She was such a handful! She didn’t sleep and was over-the-top into EVERYTHING (to the point that she was a hazard)! In hindsight, I realize she was simply making the most out of the time she had here as she likely knew her time was short. 
I’m angry that she was taken from me. I’m angry that this had to happen to me! I’m angry that although I had been through enough a year ago that I could have written a book about my life, this had to happen to show me that the past was just the past and nothing before Bella ever mattered at all. I’m angry that I could have been so naive to think that life was as bad as it could get. Reality is my past made me as strong as I am and this strength is allowing me to keep going. Now it is all but water under a bridge.
Life can be chaotic. Kids are hard work, and that multiplies when you’re a single parent. It’s normal to get frustrated and impatient, but life is precious and no one is invincible. Just remember that life can change in an instant!
As I sat on my front step with tears streaming down my face, I looked over to see Bella’s beautiful pink rose staring at me. Thanks for the sign, baby girl. And with that, I stood up and decided it was time to start my day.


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