I hate this feeling I have inside. That’s why i repress it. My days seem dark and all I want to do is sleep. I am so tired. Always tired. And tired of feeling tired. I force myself to get things done but it never fails that my list of things to do grows faster than my ability to accomplish my goals. 
It’s been a rough week. So was last week. I feel myself slipping into a depression. Everything is an effort. I have only the best of intentions but seem to be failing more than anything. By allowing myself to fall into that darkness, I feel that I am letting myself down, letting Bella down. I do believe, however, that I need to feel this way. I need to be sad. I am angry that she left. There is pain so deep within me that I am not allowing myself to feel. I’m not sure if it’s because I am trying to stay strong or if it’s because I’m not ready. Most likely it’s because I am so scared to feel this pain as it is too overwhelming that I am fearful of what may happen if I do feel it. 
Part of me still feels like this is just a bad dream. Part of me wonders if Bella’s life was the dream. 
I am disconnected, but holding on.

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