Some days will always be harder than others. Today is one of those days. Not because I’m laying in bed feeling the waves of pain, or because I have no energy, or because anything happened to upset me. Today is a difficult day because I feel the emptiness inside of me. I’m making efforts and that can be quite a challenge.
I still find it difficult to do anything with Hudson that would have involved Bella. It’s not always easy to be out around other kids, especially those close to Bella’s age or who are close to the age she was when she transitioned. Today we went to the high school where they had inflatables for the kids. I sat and watched the kids play. It felt abnormal. I never get to sit when I’m out with my kids. I’m always too busy chasing Bella. I’m not sure that I’ll ever get used to not chasing her. Looking over at the inflatables for the younger children, I felt that I should have been there, in the other room, with her. Instead I sat on the bleachers feeling broken. 
I’m feeling pain today. Missing Bella is a physical pain. Sometimes it feels like I’m being stabbed, other times it feels like my heart is literally being ripped out of my chest. Today, the pain is an ache that I feel deep in my heart. It’s a pain that will never fade completely. So how do you deal with it and continue living?
You just DO! Because you have to. It’s definitely a choice, but to me the alternative would be too difficult for those surrounding me. I do it for them. My family is okay as long as I am. I have to be okay because if I’m not, I couldn’t bare to let my loved ones down, to see them worry needlessly and feel more pain. 
Life isn’t easy. It’s not supposed to be. I believe that we chose to experience the things that life throws at us, and someday we will know why. I now understand why I went through everything I did up until my baby girl left this realm. I went though it all in order to make me strong enough to get through this. I’m not sure I’m as strong as people make me out to be, but I know that I’m not weak. We are what we believe ourselves to be and what we choose to be. I look at my son and promise him that I will be strong for him. He depends on that. I am also strong for myself because I know I deserve to live. Bella wants me to be happy, so I also live for HER! 
I cried as I wrote this then went to the washroom to freshen up. I looked in the mirror and noticed that Bella’s urn pendent left a mark on my chest which would be strange to anyone else because nothing was pushing on it but I’m used to odd things happening around me. We always give Bella credit for these things. I questioned if I should post this and the response I got was “she wears her heart on the outside for all the world to see.” So here it is. Thank you Bella👼🌈


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