“10 months without you and all I have left to hold onto are rainbows.”
They say time heals all wounds but this one seems to hurt more as the weeks go by, time acting like salt in the greatest wound imaginable. Painful reminders surround me of all that is missing. Seeing children her age celebrate birthdays and other milestones, things Bella will never get to experience. The world seems so unfair.
Another night of tears and feeling pain that I spent months begging for and all I could think was “why does love have hurt so much?” Love itself is a blessing, true bliss. Love between two people forms a bond and it is when something changes this bond that results in pain. As much as it feels that my bond with Bella has been severed, it has merely taken on a new form. Nothing could sever a bond as strong as ours. “Love doesn’t hurt, love is beautiful, and I’d rather feel this pain forever than not ever know your love.”
The universe is complex, beyond the understanding of any human. Throughout life, it is human nature to try and figure out the things we don’t understand. Here are some things as I see them:
In order for anything positive to have meaning, we need to experience it’s opposite. We can’t know love unless we know the opposite of love. I feel like this pain and emptiness I am feeling could be the opposite of love, but part of me knows it’s BECAUSE of love. It’s bittersweet. I have all these great memories that I made in 19 short months, but now I’m left with a hole and feel so empty inside. It’s a hole that will be there until the day I die. Nothing can fix it.
This separation from Bella is merely my perception. Intuitively I know she is always with me. The signs are too prominent to dismiss. I mourn the loss of my physical daughter but I know she is here with me, always. I will be forced to continue through my life without her beside me physically, with me in spirit. How long will it be until I see her again? I wish I could count the days, but time is nothing but a human concept. It doesn’t matter to Bella if I live another decade or 10, she will be waiting for me and it will seem like a blink of an eye to her, but an eternity to me.
When someone you love dies, a part of you dies with them and you feel a physical response. The pain I feel is very real. It is in my heart, but it’s also in my throat. It feels like a blockage. When a wave of pain comes, my throat catches it and I try to swallow it. It never works. It stays there and will slowly subside as I distract myself from it. It’s always there, like a dull ache, but I keep hoping that if I ignore it, maybe it will go away.
These are my thoughts for tonight. My head hurts after a long emotional day. I need sleep now. “I hope to see you in my dreams, Bella Boo. Mommy misses you.”