Today I feel numb. I am present but lack the ability to feel. I’m not sad. I’m not happy. I just am. I know there are different stages of grief and think maybe I’m in denial. My family left today and I had a few friends come see me yet all I really want is to be alone. The time I had to myself I spent going through Bella’s things and packed up some stuff to give away. I want anything that has no significance out of this house. As I did this, I didn’t feel a thing and this seems odd because you would think this would be a difficult thing to do but it wasn’t. I think I’m subconsciously protecting myself from the pain, repressing it until I am more ready to deal with it. A week ago I just wanted to be numb and now I just want to feel. #StayStrong

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” – Eleanor Roosevelt …sometimes that thing is to simply survive.

I don’t think I will ever wake up feeling the same again. Every morning will be the same… Wishing it’s all just a bad dream. It’s one week today. I went out Friday night for the first time in months. Hudson and Bella stayed with my parents. Bella had a rough night and was up til 3am so mom let her sleep in. I will never forget seeing her run down the stairs with my limp baby girl in her arms. She had bloody foam on her face and wasn’t breathing. I put her on the floor and started CPR and told mom to call 911. It’s incredible how calm and focused you can be when you need to be. When first response arrived, I fell apart. I knew she was gone. She was fine the night before. It makes no sense. Today my heart hurts and it’s a pain that I can’t explain, but while all this was happening all I kept saying to myself was that it’s meant to me be this way. She was meant to go. She was saved a month ago when her daddy was in a terrible car crash and she was supposed to be in that car. When it’s your time, it’s your time and this was meant to be. I appreciate the time we had and now it’s time to share her with the world and fulfill her purpose. This will help me #StayStrong

Today is about acceptance and forgiveness. Tragedies allow you to see what is truly important in life. We so often take things for granted and lack appreciation of what is right in front of us. We may even think we know how blessed we are but it isn’t until we lose all that matters that we can see blessings for what they were. Today I choose to accept things for what they are, people for who they are, and myself as I am. I chose this life because I am strong enough to live it. I hope that in living it, I can I change the lives of others. Today I choose to forgive those who have hurt me in the past, forgive what they have done, and I choose to forgive myself. Bella was here to serve a purpose and I choose to share her purpose with the world because sharing gives her even more purpose, so let your light shine, baby girl, on all those who are willing to listen. Thank you for helping me #StayStrong