Third Trimester

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30 weeks pregnant and slowing down. Exhaustion is setting in once more. I fight it as strength radiates from within. I am surrounded by love and this pure light energy holds me in a safe place. The third trimester always seems to be the longest. But it is also the most exciting. As baby grows bigger and stronger, feeling her move inside me creates a bond that is everlasting. I now know that nothing can sever this bond. Not even death.
As she dances in my belly, I feel her soft flutters of love. I always say “Hi baby! I love you” and know that even though she can’t understand my words, she feels my love. For this moment in time, we are one. She is forever a part of me.
The anxiety I felt during the first months of pregnancy are now gone. Small specs of black sand, I picked up these fears, held them in my palm and blew them away. They remain somewhere but are too scattered to make sense of. I prefer it this way. 
This baby is a blessing to her daddy and I. She is what created her; pure love. I feel her heightened vibration and my belly tingles every time she moves. She knows her daddy and responds to his touch and voice. I know she can’t wait to meet him. 
I savour the blessings and hold them gratefully. I worked hard to put my fears aside. It’s easy to stay in that scary place but I chose to leave as the light was much brighter. I have full trust that everything is exactly how it is meant to be. I believe in miracles and know that we created one. I also know that I can’t even begin to imagine the beautiful life ahead of us. 
Life is what you make of it. So here we are making the most of all we have. 

❤️

Thank You!

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Attacks of grief tend to come unexpectedly. I’ve been at the hospital a lot lately. For work. For family. For Baby Carl. It’s never a pleasant place to be, but sometimes the Universe has a plan and you are meant to be at a specific place at a specific time. I don’t believe in coincidence.
The second last time I was at the hospital, I had a deep conversation with a doctor who cared for me just after I nearly died. I had seen her at the ER the night before when I brought my son in with an allergic reaction. I thanked her for helping him the night before. She said to me “I don’t often get thanked for why I do.” This surprised me! If someone helps me or someone I care about, it only makes sense to thank them! I then thanked her for what she did for me and told her about Bella. 
The other day I stopped by the hospital to inquire about my Rhogam injection. I spoke with a nurse that I recognized. She is very gentle, calm, and gives off a loving vibe. I recognized her as the nurse who has been incredible with my kids! I didn’t know her name until tonight. But once I heard her name, I knew exactly who she was.
It’s strange how I remember many details of what occurred, but struggle to remember what I saw. She was there the night I was brought in by ambulance. I asked her if she was my nurse that day and she told me she was also there for Bella. She took care of her. She told me a few things that touched my heart, things no mother should ever have to think about, but eased fears I didn’t even know existed. She took care of my baby girl after her momma had to leave. I cried. I hugged her. Then I thanked her. I will never forget the kindness this woman has shown my family.
These women were not the only ones who deserve thanks. The paramedics, hospital staff, police officers, and many others who were there for my family all deserve thanks. Some people view what they do as “their job” but there is more to it than that. It takes a special person to do what these people do. What they see at work can affect them. Deeply. Permanently. It’s not easy for anyone to deal with the sudden death of a child. It’s traumatic for anyone. Yet, thankfully, these people are there during those times.
I had intentions to meet all the people who were there for us that day. I am not quite ready to experience all the emotions that will come along with meeting them. When I am ready, I hope to thank them all in person.
But for now, I will thank them here. 
Thank you for doing all you could to save my baby girl. Thank you taking care for her when I was not able to be at her side. Thank you for treating her with love and respect. I know she was in good hands.
Thank for helping me, for saving my life. Thank you for understanding my trauma and not judging me. Thank you for treating me with kindness and respect.
Thank you for caring.
I am sorry that we had to share our trauma with you, but thank you for being there when we needed you. Our lives would be much different today without you. 
❤️

Signs from Bella

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It’s been a rough week. Leave it to Bella to brighten my day. I spent all day yesterday cleaning out and organizing. Before moving Bella’s cedar chest, I opened it and Bella the Butterfly was lit up 👼🏼

Happy New Year!

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With a new year comes new hopes, new dreams, new wishes. It is a fresh beginning. A blank slate. You crack open the cover to a new volume in the Story of Your Life. Each month is a chapter in this exciting story, and may each day bring beautiful memories to fill the pages. Cherish those moments as you will never get them back, but may you forever hold them in your heart. Happy New Year! May you write the best story of your life! XO

A Christmas Promise

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I keep telling myself that life is what you make of it and you get to choose how you handle difficult times. It’s not an easy thing to do but taking this type of ownership provides you with power. By leaving your experience up to anything else is to hand over control of it. This Christmas was about taking my own advice.

Dear Bella,

It’s Christmas Day. The second Christmas you spend in Heaven… It has been so hard to prepare for this day as celebrating without you is unimaginable. Christmas has always been my favourite holiday but not having you here leaves us with emptiness where love used to reside.

Except this year was different than I expected. Yesterday, I found love in your brother. I looked for it. We spent time alone. We laughed. We sang silly songs. We acted as we used to when you were here. We talked about you and I secretly thanked God for giving me the gift of our memories. There was some sadness, but gratitude held me up while love and joy filled me.

We went to church and even though the second last time I was there was to celebrate your short life, I purposely remembered happy memories that took place in that space. I remembered both your aunts weddings and I pictured myself walking down the isle with Dream Daddy. A Christmas Eve wedding… Memories not yet created but they brought joy and hope. I focused on your brother; his affection towards me throughout the service kept me grounded. I listened to him sing and held on to every moment. He reminded me that you were there with us; he put his ear to my belly then told me you were singing too. ❤️

Because of your brother, I didn’t let my grief steal Christmas from me. It took effort, but the reward was priceless and now I have new memories to hold on to.

Christmas morning, I was the first one awake and I kept listening for your brothers. When they finally came to get us, I was eager to give them their gifts and excitedly got out of bed. Hudson opened yours; I’m sure you don’t mind. Thank you for sending a helper for Santa this year. It really saved the day! I lost track of how many times he said it was the “best day ever!”

It’s definitely a Christmas I will never forget. Leave it to Dream Daddy to turn it into something else. I had visions of marrying him on Christmas because I was looking to replace the pain of missing you with the love of the most incredible man I have ever met. His love heals me. He didn’t marry me today, but he will marry me someday soon and that promise of forever makes me the luckiest girl in the world. Leave it to you to find someone so wonderful!

I promise to always include you in all that we do. I also promise to not let my pain of missing you take me away from important moments. Thank you for being with us today. That rainbow hello you sent was received and I know you had a part in all the miracles I witnessed today. Thank you for the many gifts you continue to send. Please keep them coming as they remind me to #StayStrong.

Merry Christmas in Heaven, my sweet Angel! I miss you lots and love you more.

Love Mamma ❤️

Shadow of Grief

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It’s a cool December day. I stand on the beach staring at the sun. I feel the warmth of the sunlight on my face. Behind me, the wave is building. It crashes onto the shore. My shadow hides it and I cannot see it, yet I am aware of its existence. I choose to ignore it and focus on the warmth that kisses my face.

The waves become rhythmic and I feel the vibration in my chest. As the vibration gets stronger, it becomes difficult to ignore. A drop of pain escapes from the corner of my eye and rolls down my cheek. I lift my head higher begging the light to erase this pain. But I know the impossibility of this as it engrained in every cell of my body. 

Pain is now a part of me. At times it is easily forgotten, yet it is never gone. Nothing can alter this path of heartache. In order to recede it, I know I must feel it, yet I refuse the confrontation. Not today… 

I walk away, facing the light. I leave the waves in my shadow.

Avoiding the waves causes them to build stronger. A storm is developing. The longer it goes ignored, the harder the rain will fall. But I simply don’t have the energy to battle this today.

The light brings the illusion of peace. This path is easier to walk. But the darkness will only fade when you shine the light upon it.

 * * *

Today I choose to be strong so that I can prepare for Christmas. I’ve postponed it long enough and time is running out. It’s amazing how many ways we can procrastinate when facing something head on is so painful. But I choose to put my son first. I will risk fighting a bigger storm later and do what needs to be done so that I don’t let him down. 

No one knows the battle within me; I hide it so well. This mask isn’t meant to be deceiving, it’s meant to protect me. Under the skin of every grieving mother is pain that never goes away. Holidays have a way of making that pain surface. This is our reality. 

#StayStrong❤️

Signs from Bella

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Leaving dance class tonight we were in our way to the car. Hudson stopped in the middle of the street and looked up. I told him to get off the road and then he pointed up at the street light and said “look mom, a rainbow!” There was a huge rainbow around the light. As I’m buckling him in he says to me “Bella cuddles with me every day. She’s not here right now though.” I said “Oh, no? She didn’t come to dance class with us? That’s strange.” He said “No, she’s at home with Tommy. She never comes to dance class. She likes Tommy more.” I told him there is no way she likes Tommy more but he reassured me that she loves him very much. 💕 On our way home he said he saw another rainbow🌈

Understanding Hurtful People

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The sad truth about humanity is sometimes when people are hurting, they feel it is necessary to cause pain to others. People who come from a place of love have difficulty understanding the motives of such persons. When one becomes a target of such behaviour, how can one cope while remaining in the light?

I have always believed in the power of understanding. By putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes for a moment, our eyes become open to their perspective. Whether it be real or imagined, this view IS their reality. In order to do this effectively, you must open your mind and disengage from your own reality. 
People either act in love or in fear. Ask yourself: what does he/she fear? Is this fear rational? If the fear is not rational, ask: what is happening to cause this misperception? 
One of the most difficult components of conflict resolution is one’s ability to recognize the misperceptions of others. It’s easy to judge; it’s challenging to understand why others see things the way they do. By identifying the fear (which is the basis of their behaviour, the catalyst), we can then use our own judgement to determine whether the fear is logical. 
Often people will act out without awareness of their fear. People who do this are in an unconscious state. Practicing presence helps keep us grounded which prevents us from reacting on impulse. Remember this when dealing with someone who has hurt you and remember to practice presence yourself.
Next, ask: how does this fear involve me? Could I have said or done something that may have been misinterpreted? Could I have neglected to do something? Accept responsibility for anything you may have done, consciously or unconsciously, even if it was misperceived. If you can’t identify anything, remain open to the possibility that it can exist without your awareness. 
It is always possible that the person’s fear is internal and they may be projecting this fear onto you. This is a way of refusing to take responsibility and is a form of manipulation. If you suspect this may be the case, be cautious!
Once you identify the fear and understand the person’s perspective, how should you react?
Never REact. Always own your wrongdoings and take responsibility for them. Accept that your actions may be misperceived. The need to react will likely vanish once you see the bigger picture. By reframing the situation, the need to react dissolves. This is how to stay in the light. Reactions are like fuel being added to the fire. Instead, look within and forgive. Discuss the issue in a calm way while remaining present. Be mindful of your words, tone, and body language. ACT with LOVE! Then stop and observe what happens. It may amaze you.
How do you handle the manipulator? By accepting them for who they are and choosing where you want them in your life. You can’t change these people but you don’t have to accept how they treat you. Love yourself enough to walk away and remember their actions are not a reflection of who you are. 

Love Heals

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Perspective is everything. No matter what has happened in the past, one should never allow history to set the precedent for the future. Nothing is ever a guarantee. 

Outcomes cannot be predicted; we can only do the best we can under the circumstances. How we handle a situation is our choice, and every choice made inevitably affects the outcome. 
I have learned that as long as you react with love, everything works itself out in time. Patience plays a vital role as it allows us to be mindful and stay present. This awareness nurtures the soul and enables us to make thought out decisions rather than react in animosity.

All beautiful things take time to grow. Flowers take time blossom and we must experience the storm before the rainbow appears. Be patient and you will witness the miracles life has to offer. 

The greatest gift in life is that of true love and I accept this love with open arms and an open heart. A love so honest and true, nothing can alter it’s majestic beauty. I promise a life of patience and presence. I promise you will always be a priority. I promise nothing but openness and truth. I promise to stand beside you no matter what stands before us. Not only until the day I die, but until the end of time. 

Nothing can dull this sparkle and as we choose to step into the light, the shadows of anger are unable to touch us. We act in love. We practice patience and hold on to faith that all will come full circle. 

Love heals. Love is. We.

The Ultrasound Miracle: Hello Bella!

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I knew Bella was with us during our last ultrasound. I was so nervous looking at the screen but Bella’s love surrounded me. I felt her reassuring me that everything would be perfect, just as it was meant to be! When the technician asked if we wanted a boy or a girl, she told us she saw 3 dots. My heart skipped a beat as I was looking for a long “dot” but didn’t see anything. As the words “it’s a girl” crossed her lips, I began to cry. Emotion took over as tears of joy flowed uncontrollably. I explained to the technician that my daughter passed away last year. I may not have been willing to admit my high hopes of “Baby Carl” being a girl, but my emotional response made it clear.
I was still in disbelief as we left the hospital. Minutes later, we saw a huge rainbow in the sky. Bella often sends rainbows, and this was confirmation that she was with us. We kept our excitement hidden for 2 long weeks.
I was disappointed when we got home and did not see any of the photos capturing Baby Carl’s gender on the DVD. I posted a few of the ultrasound photos on Facebook after we made our announcement. Last night, a friend of mine sent me this message:
“Hey Angie – just wanted to tell you how happy I am to hear of your pregnancy 😊 I’ve been following you through your journey and I just want you to know what an absolutely amazing mom you are and how inspired I’ve been by your hardships. I was just looking at your ultrasound pics when a face jumped out at me. Don’t look at the baby – it’s the face behind the baby!”
It took me about 30 seconds to see it, but I couldn’t believe what I was looking at! It’s not just a face, it’s Bella’s face! I immediately put the photos side by side. The shape of her face, her eye, her lips, and even wisps of her hair. WOW!!!!
Bella has taught me to expect miracles. Signs are all around us; we just need to be open to receiving them. We need to open our mind to the possibility of their existence, open our heart and be willing to receive them. We also need to open our eyes and look for them because they exist whether we see them or not.
Bella never ceases to amaze me. Thank you, Bella, for watching over your baby sister. And thank you for this incredible photo of my two baby girls 💕
   
 

Click HERE to view a video of the photos on top of each other.