Child Loss

Signs from Bella

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Leaving dance class tonight we were in our way to the car. Hudson stopped in the middle of the street and looked up. I told him to get off the road and then he pointed up at the street light and said “look mom, a rainbow!” There was a huge rainbow around the light. As I’m buckling him in he says to me “Bella cuddles with me every day. She’s not here right now though.” I said “Oh, no? She didn’t come to dance class with us? That’s strange.” He said “No, she’s at home with Tommy. She never comes to dance class. She likes Tommy more.” I told him there is no way she likes Tommy more but he reassured me that she loves him very much. 💕 On our way home he said he saw another rainbow🌈

Love Heals

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Perspective is everything. No matter what has happened in the past, one should never allow history to set the precedent for the future. Nothing is ever a guarantee. 

Outcomes cannot be predicted; we can only do the best we can under the circumstances. How we handle a situation is our choice, and every choice made inevitably affects the outcome. 
I have learned that as long as you react with love, everything works itself out in time. Patience plays a vital role as it allows us to be mindful and stay present. This awareness nurtures the soul and enables us to make thought out decisions rather than react in animosity.

All beautiful things take time to grow. Flowers take time blossom and we must experience the storm before the rainbow appears. Be patient and you will witness the miracles life has to offer. 

The greatest gift in life is that of true love and I accept this love with open arms and an open heart. A love so honest and true, nothing can alter it’s majestic beauty. I promise a life of patience and presence. I promise you will always be a priority. I promise nothing but openness and truth. I promise to stand beside you no matter what stands before us. Not only until the day I die, but until the end of time. 

Nothing can dull this sparkle and as we choose to step into the light, the shadows of anger are unable to touch us. We act in love. We practice patience and hold on to faith that all will come full circle. 

Love heals. Love is. We.

The Ultrasound Miracle: Hello Bella!

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I knew Bella was with us during our last ultrasound. I was so nervous looking at the screen but Bella’s love surrounded me. I felt her reassuring me that everything would be perfect, just as it was meant to be! When the technician asked if we wanted a boy or a girl, she told us she saw 3 dots. My heart skipped a beat as I was looking for a long “dot” but didn’t see anything. As the words “it’s a girl” crossed her lips, I began to cry. Emotion took over as tears of joy flowed uncontrollably. I explained to the technician that my daughter passed away last year. I may not have been willing to admit my high hopes of “Baby Carl” being a girl, but my emotional response made it clear.
I was still in disbelief as we left the hospital. Minutes later, we saw a huge rainbow in the sky. Bella often sends rainbows, and this was confirmation that she was with us. We kept our excitement hidden for 2 long weeks.
I was disappointed when we got home and did not see any of the photos capturing Baby Carl’s gender on the DVD. I posted a few of the ultrasound photos on Facebook after we made our announcement. Last night, a friend of mine sent me this message:
“Hey Angie – just wanted to tell you how happy I am to hear of your pregnancy 😊 I’ve been following you through your journey and I just want you to know what an absolutely amazing mom you are and how inspired I’ve been by your hardships. I was just looking at your ultrasound pics when a face jumped out at me. Don’t look at the baby – it’s the face behind the baby!”
It took me about 30 seconds to see it, but I couldn’t believe what I was looking at! It’s not just a face, it’s Bella’s face! I immediately put the photos side by side. The shape of her face, her eye, her lips, and even wisps of her hair. WOW!!!!
Bella has taught me to expect miracles. Signs are all around us; we just need to be open to receiving them. We need to open our mind to the possibility of their existence, open our heart and be willing to receive them. We also need to open our eyes and look for them because they exist whether we see them or not.
Bella never ceases to amaze me. Thank you, Bella, for watching over your baby sister. And thank you for this incredible photo of my two baby girls 💕
   
 

Click HERE to view a video of the photos on top of each other.

Happy 3rd Birthday in Heaven

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Today is Bella’s 3rd Birthday and I’m asking for help to celebrate her life by spreading love. Please consider doing a random act of kindness today in honour of Bella. I have plenty of Bella Angel Cards if anyone would like some. I mail these out free of charge, or you can use this image and print your own. Please share this post so we can spread as much love as possible. Thank you! XO❤️

Shattered Once Again

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I reached into the bag and couldn’t believe what I felt. It was Bella’s foot, the mold they did at the funeral home. Well, it was a piece of it. One of many. Broken, just like my heart. Something else gone forever. Irreplaceable.

I looked in the bag a week ago and pulled some of Hudson’s artwork out. I assumed the rest was his belongings. In the days following, it went from the table to the chair, then the floor.

It’s no ones fault. Accidents happen. Maybe it was never meant to be mine. Maybe it’s a message from Bella, although I’m not certain what she could be telling me.

It was traumatic to see her smashed foot. It brought me back to the day she died. I was reliving the worst moment of my life once again. I was in shock! I couldn’t believe what I was looking at. Anger quickly flooded me and I sadly misdirected that anger. I’m sorry… I am angry and I have every reason to be. But there is no excuse to blame anyone for something that was no ones fault. It was an unfortunate accident. Nothing more.

The anger quickly turned to guilt as I realized what I had just done. I caused someone I love pain, and that’s not something to take lightly. But that was temporarily overshadowed by my grief. I wept. Then I felt pain take over my body an inch at a time until I no longer had control. A deep scream escaped my throat and as my entire body became tense, I fought to swallow the next scream as once they start coming, they are impossible to stop!

That swallow took my breath from me. The back of my throat closed and no matter how hard I tried, no air would come. Something was blocking my breath! I panicked and fought it with all my strength. I began to kick. Glass shattered as I began to flail.

I tried to tell him I couldn’t breathe but the words were lost. I stared into his eyes afraid for him to watch me die. Then I remembered the life growing inside of me. And I fought harder! It’s not my time! My baby needs me! Help me!!!

His calmness was artificial but his love is a powerful force. His energy surrounded me and I suddenly felt protected. I was able to take a breath.

His voice reassured me that I was alright. He told me to relax and breathe, and I obeyed. The second breath rushed into my lungs. As the third breath came, I felt my muscles begin to relax.

I was breathing heavy and my body was numb. I could feel my heartbeat radiate through every cell of my body. I laid on the bed immobile and confused. I had no idea what just happened to be. I was thankful to be alive.

I wept some more and released the fear. This was followed by anger and guilt. I took a deep breath and focused my attention on my body. I felt the life force within and inhaled appreciation.

Days later I still have difficulty understanding what happened and why. But the answer is simple. This is grief. It’s rips you apart, fills you with pain and literally takes your breath away. There is no way to predict when it will visit, how long it will stay or how much damage it will cause. But this is something every parent experiences when they lose a child. This is the price of love. This is the result of loss. It is trauma. It is debilitating. But for me, it is reality.

#StayStrong❤️

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Signs from Bella

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Hudson had a message from Bella for me today. He gets out of the car today and sees a rainbow on the pavement. “Look Mommy, it’s Bella!” Then he says this… On our way into the mall he says “Every time I see a rainbow, it’s her Mom!” 
I love you too, Bella. Keep those rainbows coming!!!

Click HERE to watch the video.

The Healing Power of a Mother’s Love

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It breaks my heart that my 6 year old son knows so much about death. Tonight he was playing innocently with his Legos asking questions about “Baby Carl” (his nickname for his new sibling). I would expect normal questions about birth and where babies come from. It may not be “normal” for children to ask about babies and death, but his questions did not surprise me.

The other night we were driving home from dance class and Hudson asked me how Baby will come out of Mommy’s belly. I admit that I wasn’t prepared for him to ask such a question (as I’m sure all parents feel when it inevitably comes up). I took a deep breath and answered him the only way I know how. Honestly!

What I find surprising is that the abnormal questions my son asks that are related to the trauma our family has endured are the ones I find easiest to answer. Discussions about grief and death are now second nature. And as always, when these questions are asked, I answer my 6 year old with pure and wholehearted honesty.

A child should not fear what may happen if his sibling dies before he/she is born… But mine does. He should not worry about what will happen if Mommy dies before the Baby is born, and what would happen to Baby if Mommy’s heart stopped beating. I reassure him that everything will be alright and these things won’t happen. Yet, as experience has taught me, bad things DO happen and CAN happen at any time.

I consciously choose to be open with my son about death because I know that by helping him understand, I am helping him cope. Unanswered questions often leads to fear. By answering his questions, I am helping him feel safe. By answering honestly, I am establishing trust. Thankfully it’s rare that a child sees his sibling die. But mine did. And I am coping with it the only way I know how.

Some people have warned our family to be careful what we expose the children to, that what they see or hear may traumatize them. Others have told me not to cry in front of my son. But what I have learned is that there is nothing more healing than LOVE and honesty. Yes, there are things you should protect your child from, but it’s necessary to be open to the healing powers of LOVE. We allowed the children to say goodbye to Bella, and seeing her didn’t cause harm because they were prepared for what they would see. Crying in front of my son teaches him that it’s okay to be sad. Communicate with your children and build that trust. Because a bit of LOVE and honesty go a long way.image

Look Past The Darkness To See The Rainbows

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I feel sad. A dark haze envelops me. It’s constantly there although it’s easier to ignore when the sun shines through. Sunny days are rare but I embrace the sun when it chooses to show itself. Dark clouds build but the sun refuses to let it take over. It has become more challenging to look for the sunny moments so these days I wait patiently for the bright moments to make their appearance. Those who surround me hold these beams of light.

I feel exhausted. I stay focused on what needs to be done. I set small goals and then feel defeated every time I fail to accomplish the things I plan to. All of my energy is going to my rainbow baby. It’s about taking care of baby first and getting things accomplished when I can.

I am quiet but calm. I have settled in to this uncomfortable place. I shed my skin and try to blend in but the scars of child loss are much too dark to camouflage, even in this dark haze. I accept that. My scars are now a part of who I am and I chose to live without a mask.

Scars can make others feel uncomfortable, especially when you show them off to the world. The people who care enough to look past the scars and into the pain are the ones who will get see the rainbows!

Birthday Wishes from Heaven

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Bella is sending Birthday Wishes from heaven to her favourite person, her Nonna Bis. When I took this photo, I was consciously capturing a moment I knew I would never get back. As you age, every birthday becomes a milestone. What I didn’t know was that it would be the last birthday Bella would celebrate with her Nonna. You never know how much time you have and age is not a predictor. Happy 85th Birthday Nonna Bis. We are so blessed to be able to celebrate with you. ️Xoxo 

Message From The Past

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This popped up on my Facebook newsfeed today and blew me away. I posted this 2 years ago. I don’t remember writing this but I do remember posting this photo. It was a big deal for me to post this because I coped with colic in private. It was (at the time) my worst nightmare. 9+ hours of screaming every single day for 3.5 months was absolute torture, and a baby who only slept in my arms (a reality that never changed).

I still have a difficult time thinking about my early days with Bella because we didn’t have an easy start. I would give anything to have happy memories with my newborn baby girl. Instead I remember a time I don’t even want to think about. I wouldn’t wish colic upon my worst enemy. But instead of holding onto anger and resentment, 2 years ago I chose to let the world know how I felt in hopes that it would reach someone in need.

Bella was my rainbow long before she left this realm. Her life purpose was to teach me, and she continues to do so and will continue to for the rest of my life. I will hold onto every memory we have together, good and bad, and hold them all close to my heart. I am deeply grateful for every second I had with her.

To all the parents complaining about stress, life, and especially parenthood, please take a moment to count your blessings. You can sit there and complain about what life has thrown at you or you can stand up, hold your head high and say Thank You! Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for the opportunities. Thank you for the joyful memories. Those happy moments make all the difficult times worth it a million times over.