Child Loss

Mother’s Day Without Bella

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I was woken up by a kiss and an “I love you mommy!” Hudson has been very excited about Mother’s Day this year. “It’s Modder’s Day!” He couldn’t wait to give me the gifts he worked so hard to make. I’m impressed that he was able to keep a secret for 2 whole days. My baby is growing up, the boy who made me a mommy. ❤️
I wasn’t even out of bed yet and the pain flooded me. And then the guilt came for feeling sadness after my son just gave me some very special gifts. It’s hard not to feel that emptiness when what comes next should be Bella’s little arms and sweet kisses.
Mother’s Day is a time to celebrate our Mothers, but it’s also a special day that we celebrate our children, the precious lives that we have created. It doesn’t matter how old your child is, our babies are our most precious gifts.
Today was very difficult. I forced myself to stay off Facebook as seeing all the photos of happy moms with their kids was unbearable. The pain of what reminders today brings are inevitable but nothing can ever take away the fact that I am Bella’s mommy. Nothing can take away my pain either, but I need to remember more today than ever that Bella chose ME. No matter what comes along with that, I am honoured to have been the one woman out of billions that she chose. 
My role as her mommy has changed but that doesn’t change the love I feel for her, how proud I am of her, and the importance of our relationship. Instead of hugging and kissing her, taking care of her and teaching her how to live, I now ache for her hugs and kisses and teach others about her. Every day is a fight to keep her memory alive. 
The best day of my life was the day I became a mommy. Both times. Hudson and Bella, thank you for choosing me! XO


Motherhood starts in pregnancy. You see that double line and in that same breath you get excited, panic, then plan out your child’s entire life. No one knows what will happen from that moment on but sometimes our plans are shattered. Some mommies never get to hold their babies, and others get to for but a moment. I am thankful I got to enjoy 19 months with my baby girl because some people aren’t as fortunate. 
Today I am wishing a very special Happy Mother’s Day to all the Angel Mommies of the world. It’s the hardest role for any parent to play. I especially want to send love to the mommies who didn’t have the chance to know your babies because you are too often forgotten. 
And most of all, Happy Mother’s Day to my mommy and Nonna, the only people in the world who feel my pain. We are in this journey together; we hold each other up and keep each other going. Mom, I don’t know where I would be without you. Thank for you for helping me #StayStrong❤️

10 Months Wothout You

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“10 months without you and all I have left to hold onto are rainbows.”
They say time heals all wounds but this one seems to hurt more as the weeks go by, time acting like salt in the greatest wound imaginable. Painful reminders surround me of all that is missing. Seeing children her age celebrate birthdays and other milestones, things Bella will never get to experience. The world seems so unfair. 
Another night of tears and feeling pain that I spent months begging for and all I could think was “why does love have hurt so much?” Love itself is a blessing, true bliss. Love between two people forms a bond and it is when something changes this bond that results in pain. As much as it feels that my bond with Bella has been severed, it has merely taken on a new form. Nothing could sever a bond as strong as ours. “Love doesn’t hurt, love is beautiful, and I’d rather feel this pain forever than not ever know your love.”
The universe is complex, beyond the understanding of any human. Throughout life, it is human nature to try and figure out the things we don’t understand. Here are some things as I see them:
In order for anything positive to have meaning, we need to experience it’s opposite. We can’t know love unless we know the opposite of love. I feel like this pain and emptiness I am feeling could be the opposite of love, but part of me knows it’s BECAUSE of love. It’s bittersweet. I have all these great memories that I made in 19 short months, but now I’m left with a hole and feel so empty inside. It’s a hole that will be there until the day I die. Nothing can fix it. 
This separation from Bella is merely my perception. Intuitively I know she is always with me. The signs are too prominent to dismiss. I mourn the loss of my physical daughter but I know she is here with me, always. I will be forced to continue through my life without her beside me physically, with me in spirit. How long will it be until I see her again? I wish I could count the days, but time is nothing but a human concept. It doesn’t matter to Bella if I live another decade or 10, she will be waiting for me and it will seem like a blink of an eye to her, but an eternity to me. 
When someone you love dies, a part of you dies with them and you feel a physical response. The pain I feel is very real. It is in my heart, but it’s also in my throat. It feels like a blockage. When a wave of pain comes, my throat catches it and I try to swallow it. It never works. It stays there and will slowly subside as I distract myself from it. It’s always there, like a dull ache, but I keep hoping that if I ignore it, maybe it will go away.
These are my thoughts for tonight. My head hurts after a long emotional day. I need sleep now. “I hope to see you in my dreams, Bella Boo. Mommy misses you.”
#StayStrong❤️

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As I lay here in this hospital bed, I listen to the howl of the wind. It sings to me. I hear deep sorrow and pain as she weeps, a melody that reflects all the emotions that have been running through me this past week. The song sounds so sad that I can taste her tears. The wind is releasing her pain tonight and I wish I could join in her song.
It doesn’t matter what goes on in our lives, it is a parents’ responsibility to put everything aside when their child needs them. I have been feeling overwhelmed from taking on a little too much and was suddenly forced to put everything aside for the sake of my son. This is not a chore or a reason to complain but an absolute honour and privilege. 
It was my first visit to the ER since the day I left there without Bella. That didn’t even cross my mind until this morning. Nothing else was important except finding out what the problem was with my son and doing everything possible (as difficult as that was) to find an answer. I felt gratitude as we were fortunate to have the opportunity to go through all the steps we took. It may have been draining and seemed like torture, but not everyone is granted that window. Sometimes things happen way too quickly to even have a thought about what to do, and sometimes we are not aware that there is even a problem until it’s too late.💔
Every time I make an inch of progress, I am set back a mile. My grief has been surfacing and with all the distractions around me, it’s amazing that I even have time to cry. But this time my setback isn’t about me. It’s about being a mother to the most incredible little boy I know. It was about being strong for him to ease his fear, remaining calm and making decisions while staying present.
What I am finding out is that how we cope is a choice. I hear many parents complaining about the little things (feeling tired, impatient, overworked, and needing a break) yet what many parents don’t see is how blessed they are to be feeling that way. Your thought about it will attract positivity or negativity, and you are in control of which you choose. It frustrates me to hear things like that because I rarely complain about my life circumstances. I complained a lot when Bella was with me because life was so difficult but all that did was steal positivity from the good moments I could have had (there were many, but could have been many more… That’s my guilt). If life isn’t working for you, it’s time to make some changes. Learn the coping skills you need or figure out a plan that meets your needs. Appreciate the normal problems because believe me, you wouldn’t want to not feel tired, have less pressure from your kids or want more time to yourself if that meant living without them. Practice gratitude and the next time you want to complain, remember to appreciate what life has given you. Look at your gifts and remember to show thanks for them every single day. I am always grateful for my memories with Bella, but that’s all I will ever have… Memories…
Today I am thankful for my son. I am thankful that he will be okay. I am thankful for the hospital staff, for their thoroughness and caring approach. I am also thankful for the man laying in the bed beside me cuddled up to our son. Despite our differences, he gave me the 2 best gifts of my life. 
Today was my first scheduled full day at work, but instead Hudson’s father and I spent it in the Hospital with our son, putting our differences aside and doing what good parents do: we put our child first! Work can wait, my healing can wait, and my grief certainly isn’t going anywhere. Tonight I am right where I belong and all else is off in the distance.
The wind is reminding me that it’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to feel pain and cry. It’s also ok to be afraid. Fear can drive us to make important decisions, but it’s important not to let fear cloud your view of the path. When that cloudiness appears, take a deep breath and be present! Fear has led me to this safe place where I can listen to the song yet be protected from the storm. Tonight I simply listen. Tonight I #StayStrong❤️

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The last 2 weeks have been absolutely crazy! The car accident, starting back to work, and so much more had happened along the way. The biggest challenge has been finding another vehicle. Insurance isn’t always fair and when an accident isn’t your fault, you expect them to be there to support you until you find a replacement vehicle, but this has been far from the case. I still haven’t received the payment for my car and had to return the rental. I was in a rush to find a vehicle, yet problems have kept surfacing which have felt like many more slaps in the face. A few days ago, I found the force behind these issues👼.
The day after finding out my car was a write-off, I felt the need to go car shopping despite being sick. I knew I was looking for something specific, a feeling I knew I’d get when I sat in the car I would buy. I test drove a few vehicles that were okay but they felt like I would be settling. After leaving the ford dealership where the guy wanted $25,000 for a used Escape that had marks on it that couldn’t be fixed and was full of dog hair, I was quite frustrated. My son is allergic to dogs that shed but the salesman didn’t quite understand that cleaning it would not be good enough. It was hopeless. We decided to cross the street and check out the Mazda dealership quickly before heading home. 
Inside was a beautiful white CX-5 limited edition. I swear I was in love. When I first got into it, I knew immediately that it was exactly what I wanted. I test drove one similar and it just felt right. We found one that was a few years old, white like the model, but it was at another dealership so I put a deposit on it and they were going to bring it in for me.
A huge load off my shoulders… Until I got a phone call the next day informing me that the vehicle was sold to someone else. Another white one was found for me and was even nicer than the first one, but a bit more expensive. 
The day before I was to pick up my new car, I woke up at 5am from a terrible dream. In my dream I was driving a white car; I put it in reverse, hit a rock and rolled the car then crashed into a tree. The tree came down slowly and crushed me. I knew I was dead and I was looking for Bella. Then I woke up! The dream was so vivid, it felt very real.
Later that afternoon I had to return the rental car and get my things out of my Matrix. Right after work, the guy from the dealership called to inform me that there were some scratches along one side and the back of the car that I was supposed to pick up the following day. The owner was not willing to come down in price. I was furious and couldn’t believe what I was hearing. 
The search continued and I decided to take matters into my own hands and found myself the best deal yet: a white 2013 CX-5, loaded with 50,000 km for $20,000!!! There was some suspicion that it had been in an accident (the price was way too good) but the car proof report was clean. Something still felt off. (I found out later that not all accidents need to be reported in Quebec, so there was no way of knowing if anything happened to the car.)
My godmother messaged me the night before I was to pick up this vehicle. She was concerned and was getting a strong sense that I should not buy this car! She kept insisting all along that I look for a red car, not white. The feeling was so strong that she had a terrible headache. Her feeling matched my dream and I felt something wasn’t right but tried to dismiss it to overthinking. Instead I asked my BFF, the medium, if Bella had anything to say about it. And of course she did:
“yeah you cant buy the car. she says that mommy can’t buy it because it will get into another accident and this time hudson will be in the car. no one will be hurt but mommy won’t be able to take that extra stress. but don’t worry who do you think is making all these scratch marks. three strikes remember. I am doing my part…

I am getting something wrong with a white vehicle. something is not right. some sort of issue. I am getting something with steering wheel/air bag/etc. something to do with steering.”
Then I told her about my dream. Suddenly it all made sense! On my way to bed that night, there was a dark pink heart on my chest from Bella’s urn charm (her way of saying “I love you”). The next morning, I called to let them know I could not purchase the car. I still get a strong sense that it had been in an accident (usually when something is too good to be true, it is). When I called the guy at the Mazda dealership, he kept apologizing to me, but after all that stress, I just felt relieved! It just wasn’t meant to be. He informed me that the scratches on the second vehicle were not there the day before and had mysteriously appeared overnight. They have no idea what happened (but I do👼). 
I went back to the Mazda dealership and decided on a brand new 2016 RED CX-5! Buying used to save a few bucks was clearly not working, but after all the trouble, the guy gave me a GREAT deal! I’m only paying $14 more a month than a 4th used car he found for me, and this one is 3 years newer. 
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall into place. Sometimes bad things happen so that worse things don’t. Pay attention to the signs and have faith that everything will work out as it should. Once I realized who was behind all this “bad luck” and understood that the Universe wasn’t out to “get me” but my daughter was trying to save me, I felt calm. 
I pick up my new car on Wednesday. I feel good about it. It feels pretty amazing to know that I have an angel watching over me, even if she does make life challenging at times. She’s helping me stay safe. She’s helping me #StayStrong❤️

More Than Just A Car

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Some days are better than others. Today when I got out of bed, I looked at the last photo ever of Bella and I, which was taken 9 months ago, and I was reminded of all that is missing. I was reminded of the last moments I missed out on and the photos I could have taken. There seems to be many reminders this past week of how life must go on.
Last weekend my car was wounded but it turns out that was the last drive we would ever take together. Matilda was more than just a car to me. She was my safe heaven, my refuge, during Bella’s entire life. Her and I spent a lot of time driving because colic is a terrible thing to experience and it was often the only way I could get her to sleep. Some days it was the only ME time I would get. Even after the colic, a drive was still often the only way Bella would nap. So many memories. Daily drives to daycare, how she would take off her shoes and socks and throw them so I would have to search for them every single day. How Hudson taught her to dance in her car seat and I would try to watch them in the rear view mirror as I was driving because I knew that these were precious memories I wanted to hold onto. How I still find “gifts” from her hidden, like her name tag or hair clips. How I still look in the rear view mirror and visualize her sitting in her seat.

I’m not ready to say goodbye to my car. It’s just one more reminder that life continues after loss. One more loss. One more slap in the face. Apparently the Universe doesn’t think I have been through enough yet. 
After the month I’ve had, I’m surprised to still be standing, but I am! Standing stronger than ever because I have survived and continue to fight! How much can one person endure? It all started with Bella’s colic, but I believe that life has unfolded the way it has in order to make me stronger so I could get through the next challenge. I needed this strength in order to survive the unimaginable devastation I’ve been forced to endure, and the losses and cruelty keep coming at me! 
There was a time when my family splitting up was my worst fear. I survived life as a single mother although it was difficult. Every single day was a challenge. Looking back, I didn’t give myself enough credit because the pictures I took show a happy family full of love. We had those happy moments every single day! I believe I still don’t give myself enough credit. I have come a long way. I had a setback last week and my return to work didn’t go very well, but that’s okay because I WILL try again. It’s only considered failing when you give up! And after the month I’ve had, it’s no wonder the transition didn’t go smoothly.
This past month I met with the coroner to review Bella’s report which left me with more questions than answers. Now I have decisions to make with regards to further research and testing, or to let it be and accept that I will never have all the answers. Court and custody issues are draining, but when you are accused of murder in a court of law, that can really affect a person. How could someone ever think I am capable of such a horrible thing? I still can’t believe my name and that word were even uttered in the same sentence. Obviously there are no grounds for the accusation and it was an act of desperation, but that is not something I will ever be able to forget. (* I would like to clarify that the custody issues do not involve my son.) Losing my car, returning to work, being sick, and soooo much more. I am exhausted and in desperate need of a break. I’m not giving up but I need to take a time-out to process it all, reflect, and most importantly, REST! 
“I am not what happens to me. I am what I choose to become.” – Carl Jung 
Life hasn’t been easy, but I refuse to let what has happened to me define me. I am breaking down but I believe it’s the next logical process. I am a Phoenix and I am on fire. It’s only a matter of time before this fire burns out. When things cool off, I’ll be able to rise from the ashes and I will be different, transformed. It is a process and I’m meant to experience it.
Thank you to all the people who have checked in on me this week. Thank you for the kind words, the love and support. Thank you for helping me #StayStrong❤️
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Always Look For Rainbows

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The point of life is to learn, and learn I must. Once you suffer the worst imaginable, you have two choices: to hide and exist or to push every boundary that stands in your way. Today I realized that I have changed more than I could have imagined. Tragedies exist but they don’t ruin you unless you allow them to.
Today I learned a few things about myself. After Bella transitioned, I learned how to be strong. The moment my mother found out about Bella, she went into shock and fear took me over. I was so scared that I might lose her too. In that moment I knew that I needed to be strong for her. For my grandmother. For my SON! I needed to be strong so that my family could get through this and not have to worry about ME. I let them down the next day but ever since I woke up from heaven, something in me changed. I understood in that instant sitting in the ER that my son was scared. He just lost his sister and thought he lost his mommy too. In that instant I understood that Hudson would be okay as long as I am. In that moment I knew that I had to be strong. I started blocking the pain and tried leaving it on a shelf. I planned to leave it there until I was ready to feel the pain. I remember the days that I thought the time would never be right to open that box. Today I proved to myself that I can do this! I can comfort the people around me and help them through their pain then let go when I need to.
Last weekend was a big step. We drove to Buffalo in hopes of seeing Prince Charming’s son and ended up bringing him home with us for the week. The night we arrived I had to change Bella’s bed. Her crib was untouched until that moment, exactly as she had left it. It was a difficult thing to do but there is no one else I would have done it for. I knew I loved that little boy unconditionally before I even met him. To have him sleep in Bella’s crib was an honour. I was amazed at how easily I got through the process. I cried and I felt the pain of packing Bella’s soiled sheets away, but I celebrated the little boy we fought so hard to see. I was told I would never be able to put my feelings on a shelf and was told to experience grief as it comes. I don’t believe that to be true at all. I can now say that I am successfully able to grieve when the time is right. It needed to be that way for me so I could protect others.
I was in a car crash today. My mother was with me and we are ok, but my car is not. I tried to swerve to miss a truck that pulled out in front of me on the highway. After the crash, I tried to open my door but it wouldn’t open. My first instinct was to yell at the girl, but I quickly saw how shook up she was and the only words she could speak were “I’m so sorry.” I wanted to hug her and tell her that it’s not a big deal. The insurance would take care of costs. No one was hurt. It could have been so much worse. Instead of getting upset with her, I gave her some calming bath salt (we were on our way back from the bridal show where I was selling some of my home made goods) so I gave her something that would help calm her, and of course an angel card. Why would I want her to feel any worse than she already felt? I’m sure that door wouldn’t open to give me those few extra minutes to cool down. And I’m sure the car accident happened so that something worse didn’t. Karma is a powerful force and sometimes works in inconspicuous ways. 
Lesson of the day: ALWAYS treat others as you would want them to treat you. Karma will come back to you, I promise. And Karma can be BEAUTIFUL as long as that’s what you put out in the universe. Thank you, Bella, for showing me how to slow down, to appreciate the small things and to follow my inner voice. It’s leading me to amazing places I could never dream of, and I know this journey has barely just begun.
Something else I am reminded of daily is that little angel I have watching over me, protecting me. Somehow I know that by staying here today and not going with Tom, we were saved from something terrible. I somehow know I was meant to be in an accident today. I’m thankful my kids weren’t in the car. It could have been so much worse! Always remember that no matter what happens, it could always be so much worse. If I can say that and believe it, anyone can! No matter what happens, always #StayStrong❤️
I posted a photo of my car on my personal Facebook page and of course there is a HUGE rainbow across the photo. I’m sitting at my computer desk and just looked up. Rainbows are everywhere! ☺️🌈❤️

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“What was the best thing someone did for you after your loss? Was it a gesture, a gift, a few choice words? What would you do/say for another grieving family?” – Pregnancy and Infant Loss Network
The best thing anyone did for me after Bella transitioned was save my life. My sister and niece performed CPR on me on the way to the hospital while my sister and brother-in-law drove us to meet the ambulance on the highway. They were there to support me as I screamed until I passed out, but I went limp and became unresponsive. They breathed for me when I was unable to. They are the reason I am still here. 
That same family, along with my closest friends, stood up to others on my behalf when anyone would criticize me for how I was grieving. Many judged me for posting a photo on Facebook of me holding my daughters hand after she passed and took the liberty to assume I was “losing my mind.” Regardless of how many people judged me for that post, I treasure that photo and wanted to share it. I was also criticized for the amount of detail I would give in my posts about what happened but it was my way of purging the pain. I had to get it out somehow and since allowing myself to feel the pain almost killed me, I started writing and felt relief from that. The decision to share it was to reach out for support in my weakest moments. I would never directly ask anyone for help but I could write and let others share my pain. This was my way of asking for help and support without having to say the words. Those who supported me did so because they wanted to and not out of obligation.
A few months after Bella’s transition, I was approached by a local band who had written a song for me and wanted to have a small fundraiser. This quickly turned into a “Birthday Bash” fundraiser to honour the 2nd anniversary of Bella’s birth and featured 3 local bands. I was judged and criticized for the fundraiser as

many misinterpreted it as being a “birthday party” (who celebrates the birth of a dead person?). Her father is a graphic designer and created a gorgeous piece of Bella as an angel. This was the poster for the fundraiser and again, people criticized and decided it was “twisted and morbid.” Our idea of Bella being an angel is another way we cope with the loss. The band that approached us about the fundraiser wanted to donate all proceeds to the family, but we didn’t want this so we decided to create a memorial fund so we could build a small memorial for Bella. The party was a huge success and we raised enough for a park bench which will hopefully be purchased this summer. 
My latest controversy is related to vaccines, which is another way I am coping. Despite accusations, I have NEVER suggested that anyone not vaccinate their children but have brought vaccine injuries to the forefront. I have my suspicions about what happened to Bella as she was unwell when she received her last vaccine (pneumococcal conjugate) and the autopsy showed sepsis from pneumonia. I may never be able to prove that they are linked but as a grieving mother, it is something I need to explore. The problem is vaccines are such a controversial topic and people often misunderstand my intentions. Reality is this is how I am grieving and no one has the right to judge me! 
Our entire community was shaken by the sudden loss of my daughter. My posts reached all corners of the earth and people from all over wore pink on the day of her funeral. I had received kind words and gifts from friends and strangers, all of which have helped me heal a little bit at a time. I may not know every person by name or face but know that each one of you have helped me heal in some way. Thank you!
Grief is complicated and greatly misunderstood. The most important thing is that you actually GRIEVE and not suppress it. NO ONE has the right to judge how someone else grieves. To any other grieving families out there, don’t let anyone drag you down any farther than where you’re at. After you suffer a tragedy, you need all the support you can get, not criticism and harsh judgement. Do what you need to do in order to grieve your loss but be aware of healthy vs unhealthy ways of coping. Grief counsellors are there to help ensure you are grieving in a heathy way. Use any supports you have and reach out to others experiencing similar tragedies because we can always learn from each other. Losing a child is not something anyone can understand unless they have suffered the same loss. Let’s help each other #StayStrong❤️

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Our reflections can vary from day to day as we see only what we choose to focus on. The roller coaster of grief changes my perception of my reflection sometimes by the hour. Some things I see include pain, scars, strength, and courage. I see a shattered image of a broken woman trying to put the pieces back together but can’t seem to find the perfect fit as the edges are now jagged. Sometimes when I find a piece and place it where it belongs, it falls off again and breaks into a million more pieces.
It’s frustrating because trying to put the puzzle back together is very exhausting. I feel like I’m crawling towards another breaking point struggling to take a breath. As I gasp for air I remind myself that I am human and we all lose our balance at times. It’s the stress of life, which for me is very complicated and it feels like I’m burning the candle at both ends. I’m emotionally exhausted, which is the worst kind of tired because no amount of sleep can help. I am consumed by unanswered questions not knowing if I will ever get answers but no matter how much time and energy it takes, this is something I need to peruse. The process is draining. 
Grief has many faces and shows herself differently in everyone. I have been criticized and accused of some unfathomable things but my reality is that I have way too much on my plate to deal with anyone’s negativity. All I ask for is respect. You have no right to judge me as you have not been through what I have. Your judgement says nothing about me but says a lot about you. Be kind. Always. 
May you find the ability to forgive those who have done you wrong. May you find peace and believe that Karma is in your corner, as she is on my side and will ensure that balance and order are restored in our lives. Karma is getting what you deserve. Do good and you shall receive good things in return. Sometimes you need to be very patient but I promise that good things always come to those who deserve it❤️ and for those that wrong you, sit back and wait for it because they will eventually cause their own demise.
Today marks a turning point in our lives. Today we celebrate Karma and enjoy the good things she had brought to us. Today we #StayStrong❤️

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Sharing my grief helps me #StayStrong❤️ but it’s not always easy. Singing is not what I do best but I felt that stepping out of my safe place was something that I needed to do. This is the song that Bella wanted me to sing and she made that known by knocking a pink heart shaped rock off Kim’s piano when she first played it. I had that rock in my hand on stage. I am very blessed to have been a part of such a great show and to have had the opportunity to pour my heart out on stage. Thank you to everyone who was a part of this, especially Tom. You are my gift from Bella, my strength, my safe place. With you I am home❤️
Click HERE to watch the video.

Communicating With Bella through Brian the Medium

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Two busy days in a row and this momma is beyond exhausted. Bella told me to stop procrastinating, so today I made some big plans and others things fell into my lap. My trip to Hawaii is booked and so is my meeting with the coroner. Now to finalize a start date back to work so I can start a new chapter in the movie of my life. 
My appointment with Brian yesterday was amazing. Bella had a lot to say, as always. I haven’t heard or seen her in a while but she reassured me that she will “show” herself to me again soon, that I need this “physical” connection to heal. She said she’s proud of me, of how far I’ve come. She wishes she had told me more that she loved me, so her way of telling me now is by sending me hearts. I have been receiving some hearts as signs (like the one imprinted on my chest) the other day) but the first one that came to mind was a heart shaped rock a little girl gave me. This rock was sitting on her piano and I had asked her mom to learn a few songs for me. When she played “Innocence” by Avril Lavigne, the rock fell off the piano. I will be singing this song in a show this week. 
She talked about the man of my dreams and about how happy she is for us. He came into my life at the perfect time to help heal my heart. She said we are made for each other and have been together many lifetimes. Of course him and I already knew this but confirmation is always nice to hear. She talked about her brothers, all 4 of them, and how she sees us all spending time together. 
She said that I would be going to a place that has high energy, a vortex. A tropical island was mentioned. Maui is a very sacred place with high energy and is a major energy vortex and one of the earth’s chakra points (heart chakra). I have been planning to go there to attend a writer’s workshop. I booked my trip today! According to Bella, I will be writing a book that will be a major part of my life purpose. 
My return to work is coming soon. She said it won’t be easy but I need to do it. I will feel better once I get back into routine and it will be good to be back in society. She said I’m still pretty flighty but exercise (yoga) and meditation will help with that. She also suggested to wear a dark crystal on my left wrist. I’ve been wearing a rainbow hematite bracelet on my left wrist that has been helping me feel grounded.
I already knew that my best friend is a medium but this was discussed and my friend was given some advice. Bella said she often gives me messages through my friend. It was one of the gifts that came from this tragedy. I am blessed to have this friend in my life.
A ring and possibly another baby are coming my way… At some point. She reassured me that this baby won’t be replacing her but a part of her will be coming back to me through this baby, who will have a lot of similar qualities to Bella. 
Mediums can be such a powerful tool for healing. It’s amazing what can come out in sessions. I have spoken to several and heal a little more each time. Tom and I recently listened to the recording of my last session with Brian and were blown away by the accuracy of the reading. Bella really is with me at all times. This is very comforting. It helps me #StayStrong❤️