Grief

Message From The Past

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This popped up on my Facebook newsfeed today and blew me away. I posted this 2 years ago. I don’t remember writing this but I do remember posting this photo. It was a big deal for me to post this because I coped with colic in private. It was (at the time) my worst nightmare. 9+ hours of screaming every single day for 3.5 months was absolute torture, and a baby who only slept in my arms (a reality that never changed).

I still have a difficult time thinking about my early days with Bella because we didn’t have an easy start. I would give anything to have happy memories with my newborn baby girl. Instead I remember a time I don’t even want to think about. I wouldn’t wish colic upon my worst enemy. But instead of holding onto anger and resentment, 2 years ago I chose to let the world know how I felt in hopes that it would reach someone in need.

Bella was my rainbow long before she left this realm. Her life purpose was to teach me, and she continues to do so and will continue to for the rest of my life. I will hold onto every memory we have together, good and bad, and hold them all close to my heart. I am deeply grateful for every second I had with her.

To all the parents complaining about stress, life, and especially parenthood, please take a moment to count your blessings. You can sit there and complain about what life has thrown at you or you can stand up, hold your head high and say Thank You! Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for the opportunities. Thank you for the joyful memories. Those happy moments make all the difficult times worth it a million times over.

We Are Having A Rainbow!

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Our Family ❤️

No amount of time could have prepared me for this moment. I don’t think I will ever feel ready to embark on this journey. But it has begun. It’s real. And there is no going back.

The instant that double line appears, a million thoughts begin to flood your mind. In the chaos of emotions, you sort through all your wishes and fears. You feel excitement, bliss, anxiety and panic all at the same time.

Is it too soon? Am I ready? How can this be happening? How will Hudson take the news? What this affect the rest of the family?

A rainbow appears at the end of a storm. The term “rainbow baby” is given to a child conceived after the loss of a child.

We are having a RAINBOW!!!!
#StayStrong❤️

Bella has been a busy angel❤️👼

Bella has been a busy angel❤️👼

Photo credit: Kate Demore Photography

The Unknown Emotions

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I’ve always been an emotional person. I’m what you would call a “highly sensitive person.” I feel things most people don’t which can be intense. It sometimes impacts my ability to function and causes physical discomforts. The weird part of it all is how often I have no idea what is happening to me or why!

My ability to feel other people’s energy can overwhelm me making it difficult to tell if what I am experiencing is my emotion to own or if it’s something I’m picking up from someone else. Since discovering that I’m an empath I most often credit the unexplained emotions to other people and refuse ownership. I have found that by recognizing the source I am able to “let go” of the feelings and quickly bounce back from it. Reiki is a great tool to help with this.

But what happens when we know the emotion is ours to own but we don’t understand the cause?

I am strong and can get trough anything. This is what I’m told and I do believe it on some level. I have a harder time saying those words to myself, especially in the last few weeks.

Change is scary, and I’m starting a new job on Monday. I’m certain this will be a positive experience for me and that it is causing some anxiety. I do not think it’s causing the majority of what I am feeling though.

My heart beats hard and I feel scared. I feel pressure in my head and I’m sensitive to noise. I fell “off centre.”

It’s time to explore what’s hiding within the depths of my soul and uncover this unknown fear. Tonight, I write down my soul and start by ripping my heart wide open again.

I may be afraid but I refuse to let fear take me over!

❤️

The Importance of Self-Care

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I came home from Maui with a plan and the excitement was seeping from my pores. I finally knew what I needed to do and I had a plan. I set goals and was doing well with achieving them. Then things changed. It wasn’t one thing, it was simply life. It got in the way of my plans.
My intentions were good and pure, but I needed myself more. I started feeling overwhelmed and tired. I wasn’t sure what was happening to me but my body was telling me I needed to slow down. So I did what I do best and listened to my body.
I’m in extreme self-care mode. All else comes next. I’m in the process of restructuring life to allow as much self-care as I need, which is more on some days than others. The key for me has been flexibility. Not every day is a guarantee so I do what I can when I can. I’m grateful for the productive days but I am learning to be just as grateful for the lazy ones. 
Our bodies are powerful and somehow know what we need when our brains fail to recognize it. I have never been so in tune with my body. I feel deep gratitude for this temple of life housing my soul and will treat it with nothing but the respect it deserves.
Every day is a new opportunity to achieve greatness. When I wake up well and energetic, I embrace the opportunity to create something special. 
I’m still working on the art of extreme self-care but so far it involves eating when I’m hungry, napping when I’m tired or meditating when I can’t sleep. It involves deep gratitude for each moment and focusing on being present. Im simply taking care of me and allowing myself to BE in this moment called NOW. 
How do you excise self-care? What are you doing to take care of yourself today?
Much Love XO

5 Rules to Follow When Tragedy Strikes

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Tragedies happen when it’s least expected and can be quite traumatic. People react in different ways, often as instinct rather than taking the time to be mindful about our reactions and how they may affect others, especially the people affected by the tragedy first hand. After losing a friend yesterday and experiencing another trauma, I felt the need to remind people of how their actions and reactions can deeply affect others following a tragedy.

 
1. HELP THE PERSON IN TROUBLE. It is everyone’s responsibility to help! This sounds simple but isn’t always easy to do. Take a deep breath and try to stay grounded. Call 9-1-1 immediately or help the person who placed the call. If they ask you do something, don’t hesitate as there is a reason they are giving instructions. Those seconds of hesitation could be very costly.

 
2. KEEP THE CROWD TO A MINIMUM. No one wants people to witness them when they are vulnerable. Crowds tend to gather because people are curious to know what happened. Be mindful of how the victim(s) may feel and put yourself in their shoes.

 
3. OFFER SUPPORT TO WITNESSES. When you see people in shock, offer to help rather than be an observer. If you are not helping, your presence in unnecessary and probably unwanted. Something as simple as providing tissue and a drink of water goes a long way. Offer to call a support person for them.

 
4. KEEP INFORMATION PRIVATE! Nothing upsets me more than reading inappropriate posts on Facebook that can be very upsetting to people who know the person affected, especially family. Be mindful when asking questions or posting names as it takes time to notify family. Details about an incident should NEVER be shared on social media sites (unless it’s family choosing to). Be respectful!!!!

 
5. CHOOSE YOUR WORDS WISELY. Be mindful of what you say as stories get turned around very quickly. It’s sad when rumours get started. If you are uncertain of details, be truthful in what you know, and if you aren’t sure what happened, say so! Rumours cause even more pain. When Bella passed, the rumour around town was that it was Hudson, not Bella, and that he drowned in our pool. People turned that into me being a neglectful mother and not properly supervising my son. There was no pool or neglect involved and it was quite disgusting to hear. If you have nothing supportive to say, don’t say anything at all. Curiosity does not equal support so again, please be respectful!

 
To anyone affected by trauma, please seek professional assistance as required and speak to someone you trust about the incident as soon as possible. Be gentle with yourself. Self-care is very important.
I am sending so much love to everyone affected by tragedy and trauma.
#StayStrong❤️

Lessons in Grief

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The lessons we learn often mean more to us when we reflect on them after a period of time has passed. I may not have have the time to sit with my thoughts as often as I would like, but each time I do I learn something new about my grief journey. It is really hard to look at pictures of Bella. Despite my strength and how far I have come, looking back on the memories we made together causes me to break. It’s not the same kind of pain that used to surface but it is definitely painful to think about all that is missing. 
I am fortunate to have many memories with Bella captured in photos. I spent all day yesterday organizing thousands of photos I took with my iPhone this past year. Yes, THOUSANDS! When Hudson was a baby, I began to fear forgetting moments of his life. I feared forgetting the sound of his cry, the smell of his hair, his facial expressions and the cute things he would do. After Bella was born, I feared these things even more. I even feared forgetting the sound of her cry after hearing it 9 hours a day for 3.5 months. I thought I was crazy but I somehow knew that I would lose a child someday. I felt a need to have more than one child in case something ever happened to one of my children. I assumed those thoughts were normal fears but now know it was my intuition preparing me for the inevitable.
My intuition is what led me to take so many pictures, and I am so thankful for listening to my inner voice. I took photos of Bella almost every day of her life, many of which I still have not seen. The purpose of Project Life was to post a photo of her for each day of her life, as many days that I was able to. I hoped to complete it before I returned to work, but I returned sooner than I had anticipated. I don’t think I was ready to look through all those photos yet. I’m still not sure I am ready, or if I will ever be. I look at some, a little at a time, whenever I need a dose of my angel. 
Photos are memories we never have to fear forgetting. They are moments captured forever. I shouldn’t feel rushed to complete my project as there is no time limit on it. Project Life will not expire. Bella’s photos won’t fade. My memories are safe and I will share them with the world when I am ready. 

Deep Healing

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It’s finally Saturday and I’m grateful for the opportunity to stay in bed. The last few weeks have been very busy and I can’t seem to shake the exhaustion. For the first time in a long time it’s not emotional but due to lack of sleep. 
I have felt significantly different since my return from Maui. Many experiences during my trip changed me and helped me heal. Meeting Doreen Virtue and Wayne Dyer was incredible and listening to them speak was powerful. I felt something shift inside of me. 
The time I spent on the beach was sacred. I felt safe and allowed the pain inside to surface. I explored all the sources of this pain, some of which surprised me. In feeling it, I accepted it then forgave myself for anything I felt guilty of. The waves washed away the deepest of my pain, which has not returned. I will always feel pain that Bella is not here with me physically, but it’s not the same dark pain that was taking me over. 
My experience on Haleakala summit was another incredible experience. We were there to watch the sun rise at 10,000 ft elevation, above the clouds. Being an empath, I have always been sensitive to what others feel, but I was vulnerable that morning. A woman was behind me and angry that I was standing in front of her and asked me to move (which was an unreasonable request considering where we were). When I kindly refused to move it was as though she threw daggers of anger at me. My knees were weak, I felt dizzy and I her anger felt like pain in my chest. I was searching for my “White Angelica” essential oil (which I use for protection against negative energy) but I couldn’t find it because I could barely see. My new friend who was beside me knew what was happening and walked me through breathing and protecting myself until it passed. 
I was there with a group of women and after the sun came up we had a group meditation. Our new friend went around the circle and said a few special words to each of us. When it was my turn, she spoke about Bella. My eyes were closed and I could see a ball of light, which was pure love, above me. The light then entered my body and became one with me. I know it was Bella, and in that moment love filled all of the cracks in my shattered soul. She was with me, in me, and was never going to leave. It was miraculous.
Several weeks after my life-changing trip, I lay in bed and think about these experiences. I knew intuitively that I was coming home to many changes, and now I am watching these changes unfold. I knew my life would never be the same. 
The first of these changes became official this week when I accepted a new employment opportunity. I feel that I found my niche and I am excited to start this new journey. 
It’s time to embrace change.
Life is good!
#StayStrong❤️

Choose Love

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My parents always taught me to treat others as you want to be treated. I come from a very loving family and had an ideal childhood. I grew up surrounded by love. This was what I thought was the norm, how all families were. The harsh reality of adulthood is you begin to see the world for what it really is. I am thankful for my family and grateful for the values my parents instilled in me. 
Sadly, my ideal childhood is not as common as I once thought. It can be difficult to understand other people and their motives when they treat others with malice and cruelty. I don’t understand how anyone could think it’s acceptable to do that to others. It’s not even acceptable to do that to yourself. Do some people really hurt that much inside that they feel such a strong need to make others feel pain too? Is that what causes cruelty? 
I have always been an internalizer and directed negativity toward myself. I have suffered from anxiety and depression in the past and I almost died from anorexia when I was 19. I know what it feels like to hate myself, but by practicing self-love, the negativity evaporated. So what is different between someone who directs their hatred outward instead? 
Maybe there isn’t much difference at all. Maybe there is. I only know what I have experienced. It’s a normal human reaction to want to make others feel pain after they have caused you pain (as children will impulsively hit another child who hit them). But what about the innocent person who hasn’t done a thing? How do they become the target? 
Bella tells me “love heals all” and I really believe that’s true! She also tells me that this world will eventually know peace, and I believe she is right. But how can we ever get there when such hateful and angry people exist?
The answer is LOVE! But how can you send someone love when they hurt you over and over again? How do you put it all aside and remain focused on what is important? 
I believe in Karma. I believe that our experiences can shape our personalities and affect how we react to things. But every single person, no matter what happened to them in their past, has a CHOICE! You get to choose how you treat others. No one forces that on you.
The beauty of it is that you also get to choose how others treat you. You set the standard for that, no one else! But you can’t treat someone unfairly and expect not to get the same in return. If you act a certain way toward someone, how can you get mad when they do the same thing back?
Hurting others will not take away your pain! 
Choose love instead.


#ChooseLove #StayStrong❤️

SoulShift

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Everything in the Universe unfolds as it should when the time is right. There is no such thing as coincidence, but as your soul awakens you often see synchronicities. Things begin to happen that seem impossible, as though there is something greater causing these things to happen. People will come into your life at exactly the right time and will offer exactly what you need at that moment. Doors will begin to open, opportunities you could only have dreamed of, but it becomes real because you set the intention for these things to occur. As your eyes open wider, you gain a greater understanding of the Universe and divine order and you grasp the concept of manifestation. We are all creators of our own reality. Thoughts are creative , they are energy. Thought is a powerful force that will attract exactly what you want it to, whether that be intentional or not. Once we understand this we can begin to change our thoughts to adjust our reality to what we envision it to be. It then makes sense to clear out all the negative thoughts and ideas because no one would ever consciously choose to create negativity. This is part of the soul shift, the waking up. We fully understand that everything becomes a CHOICE! And the things you can’t control, you can always control your reaction to it. Be careful what you think because it will become your reality.
Much Love ❤️