Grief

Project Life

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Less than 2 weeks after Bella made her transition back to the spirit world, I decided to start a blog as a way to document my journey as an angel mom. I had no idea what would come of this project but hoped that sharing my words would offer some healing, not only to myself but also to others who are on their own journey of grief. As I sit here 11 months later, I see that nothing has changed for me. I expected to see how far I have come but instead I understand that this long roller coaster ride I’ve been on has come full circle. I am grateful for the clarity I saw so soon after my daughter’s passing and also grateful for the pain that finally came. The flow of blood from this open wound in my chest is slowing once more and today I wipe my tears with a smile on my face. I will always miss her but I no longer feel the need to suffer. #StayStrong❤️

Click HERE to see first post on original blog.

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I feel so blessed to have spent an entire weekend with people who were not uncomfortable with my truth. Not one single person reacted in discomfort when I told them about Bella. This was extremely unexpected. I am grateful to be around like-minded people who understand the illusion of death. 45 minutes before I landed on Maui, the kind lady I sat with on the plane asked me how many children I have. I answered honestly, as I always will. I then spent the next 45 minutes wanting to hug her, to comfort her and explain why everything is okay. 
It’s a wonderful feeling when anyone asks me about Bella. I WANT to talk about her and I always will. The fact that she’s no longer here in her physical form does not take her presence away from me. It does not mean I will be sad for the rest of my life. In fact, I am grateful she was here for 19 months and I will hold on to those memories for all of eternity. She is still here with me, just in a different form.
Don’t pity me because I lost my daughter. Be happy for me because I had the opportunity to be Bella’s mommy. 
Bella, thank you for being my angel.
Click HERE for article: “To The Mom I Didn’t Mind Making Uncomfortable At The Playgroung”
#PracticeGratitude #StayStrong❤️

Meeting Colette Baron-Reid

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What an incredible day! We went to see Colette Baron-Reid in Sudbury today on her “Messages from Spirit” tour. For anyone not familiar with Colette, she is a world-renowned spiritual intuitive/medium/author (and so much more). I was in awe as I watched the messages unfold for people clinging to a glimmer of hope to hear that their loved ones are okay on the other side.
It was interesting that the only person I knew in the room happened to be sitting right in front of me. I watched and listened as her mother-in-law received a love-filled message from her departed husband and daughter.
We witnessed a lot of healing take place as people heard from loved ones who died suddenly, took their own lives, suffered from addictions (one mother heard from her son who died of an overdose), and husbands who left their beloved wives in the physical realm. There were some apologies from spirit while other people received reassurance that their loved ones may not be physically here but they are still with us!
I had a feeling that other people would be needing messages more than me so I wasn’t expecting to hear from Bella. She didn’t come through during the show but when I met Colette after show, I handed her a Bella Angel card and told her it was my daughter. She wanted to connect with Bella, so she did, and the main message she received for me was personal and private. She talked about my relationship and career, which is pretty interesting because I was hoping to get a message about my career. I already know how special my relationship is, and it never hurts to have that confirmed.
Healing comes in all forms but when a loved one dies, nothing is more comforting than proof that they are still with you. Once you open yourself up to the idea that there is more to the universe than what we can see, you can understand that death doesn’t exist because souls aren’t born, they transition back and forth from spirit to physical. 
To anyone who is experiencing grief, #StayStrong❤️ Please take comfort in knowing that your loved one has never left you! Grief is part of the human experience, the illusion of separation. It’s a normal process to grieve, but we don’t have to be a victim forever. 
On our way home, I decided to look up at the sky through the sunroof, which is not something I ever do. There in the sky above me was a streak that looked like a faint rainbow. I took a deep breath and whispered “Thank you, Bella!”❤️👼

Grief and Life After Loss

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Life after loss is much more complex than anyone can imagine. There’s learning to live again, learning to be happy, and also accepting the emptiness that will never disappear. There’s acknowledging the loss and then there is accepting it. I’m still learning to acknowledge it, observing life without Bella and imagining how life would be if she were still here. 
It’s been 11 months since her transition. Eleven months since I have seen and touched her, or smelled her sweet breath. As time passes, I fear that her memory will fade. So far it has remained strong but will it be this way in a year? A decade? How can I forget my child? But memories DO fade… So I continue to hold on to what I remember in this moment, and I am grateful. 
Grief can really bring life into perspective if you allow yourself to be open to it. Most parents appreciate the pleasant moments, such as when your kids are calm and cooperative. For parents of loss, we are grateful for what was. Grief has brought me a new awareness of what IS. Of what life is… And it is beautiful. Life IS BELLA❤️


Living in the present moment has brought me a new found strength I didn’t realize existed. It’s not always easy to do, but the ability to stay grounded is one of the most important things I have learned in the last year. Staying aware and present during traumatic moments can help us get through them. I was able to focus and do what I needed to for Bella in the last moments I had with her rather than panic. Now I am trying to apply this to my everyday life. Presence in life helps bring gratitude. Pay attention because beauty is all around you!
My grief has also helped me put things into perspective in this huge universe. This allows me to see that I’m not alone and that there is a greater purpose to life, death and loss. As Wayne Dyer says, “We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” I have been able to separate my spirit self from my human self and understand that it’s the human part of me that is experiencing grief. My spirit self understands that death does not exist because humans are made of energy and energy does not die. Bella isn’t dead and she has proven time and again that she hasn’t left me! My spirit self also understands that our children are not created FOR us. They are not OURS but are separate souls here for their own reasons. Bella has her own mission, completely separate from mine. Part of her life purpose was to teach me many lessons. I know that I was meant to experience grief and she came to teach me about this. 
In this moment I am in awe of the words escaping from my fingertips as I type. I had an emotional day because I miss my baby girl and wanted to write about the pain, and this is what is coming to me. 
I am awake. My eyes are wide open. I observe. I breathe it in and appreciate it. ALL of it. The experience of it. The human perspective of the experience. I appreciate the pain because it is proof of the love I feel for my baby girl. I appreciate the memories because they are proof of Bella’s life. And I appreciate Bella for waking me up. 
The open wound is now covered by a scab. Occasionally the skin stretches which causes the scab to break open and bleed, but the scab is there and the wound is healing. #StayStrong❤️

Mother’s Day Without Bella

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I was woken up by a kiss and an “I love you mommy!” Hudson has been very excited about Mother’s Day this year. “It’s Modder’s Day!” He couldn’t wait to give me the gifts he worked so hard to make. I’m impressed that he was able to keep a secret for 2 whole days. My baby is growing up, the boy who made me a mommy. ❤️
I wasn’t even out of bed yet and the pain flooded me. And then the guilt came for feeling sadness after my son just gave me some very special gifts. It’s hard not to feel that emptiness when what comes next should be Bella’s little arms and sweet kisses.
Mother’s Day is a time to celebrate our Mothers, but it’s also a special day that we celebrate our children, the precious lives that we have created. It doesn’t matter how old your child is, our babies are our most precious gifts.
Today was very difficult. I forced myself to stay off Facebook as seeing all the photos of happy moms with their kids was unbearable. The pain of what reminders today brings are inevitable but nothing can ever take away the fact that I am Bella’s mommy. Nothing can take away my pain either, but I need to remember more today than ever that Bella chose ME. No matter what comes along with that, I am honoured to have been the one woman out of billions that she chose. 
My role as her mommy has changed but that doesn’t change the love I feel for her, how proud I am of her, and the importance of our relationship. Instead of hugging and kissing her, taking care of her and teaching her how to live, I now ache for her hugs and kisses and teach others about her. Every day is a fight to keep her memory alive. 
The best day of my life was the day I became a mommy. Both times. Hudson and Bella, thank you for choosing me! XO


Motherhood starts in pregnancy. You see that double line and in that same breath you get excited, panic, then plan out your child’s entire life. No one knows what will happen from that moment on but sometimes our plans are shattered. Some mommies never get to hold their babies, and others get to for but a moment. I am thankful I got to enjoy 19 months with my baby girl because some people aren’t as fortunate. 
Today I am wishing a very special Happy Mother’s Day to all the Angel Mommies of the world. It’s the hardest role for any parent to play. I especially want to send love to the mommies who didn’t have the chance to know your babies because you are too often forgotten. 
And most of all, Happy Mother’s Day to my mommy and Nonna, the only people in the world who feel my pain. We are in this journey together; we hold each other up and keep each other going. Mom, I don’t know where I would be without you. Thank for you for helping me #StayStrong❤️

10 Months Wothout You

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“10 months without you and all I have left to hold onto are rainbows.”
They say time heals all wounds but this one seems to hurt more as the weeks go by, time acting like salt in the greatest wound imaginable. Painful reminders surround me of all that is missing. Seeing children her age celebrate birthdays and other milestones, things Bella will never get to experience. The world seems so unfair. 
Another night of tears and feeling pain that I spent months begging for and all I could think was “why does love have hurt so much?” Love itself is a blessing, true bliss. Love between two people forms a bond and it is when something changes this bond that results in pain. As much as it feels that my bond with Bella has been severed, it has merely taken on a new form. Nothing could sever a bond as strong as ours. “Love doesn’t hurt, love is beautiful, and I’d rather feel this pain forever than not ever know your love.”
The universe is complex, beyond the understanding of any human. Throughout life, it is human nature to try and figure out the things we don’t understand. Here are some things as I see them:
In order for anything positive to have meaning, we need to experience it’s opposite. We can’t know love unless we know the opposite of love. I feel like this pain and emptiness I am feeling could be the opposite of love, but part of me knows it’s BECAUSE of love. It’s bittersweet. I have all these great memories that I made in 19 short months, but now I’m left with a hole and feel so empty inside. It’s a hole that will be there until the day I die. Nothing can fix it. 
This separation from Bella is merely my perception. Intuitively I know she is always with me. The signs are too prominent to dismiss. I mourn the loss of my physical daughter but I know she is here with me, always. I will be forced to continue through my life without her beside me physically, with me in spirit. How long will it be until I see her again? I wish I could count the days, but time is nothing but a human concept. It doesn’t matter to Bella if I live another decade or 10, she will be waiting for me and it will seem like a blink of an eye to her, but an eternity to me. 
When someone you love dies, a part of you dies with them and you feel a physical response. The pain I feel is very real. It is in my heart, but it’s also in my throat. It feels like a blockage. When a wave of pain comes, my throat catches it and I try to swallow it. It never works. It stays there and will slowly subside as I distract myself from it. It’s always there, like a dull ache, but I keep hoping that if I ignore it, maybe it will go away.
These are my thoughts for tonight. My head hurts after a long emotional day. I need sleep now. “I hope to see you in my dreams, Bella Boo. Mommy misses you.”
#StayStrong❤️

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As I lay here in this hospital bed, I listen to the howl of the wind. It sings to me. I hear deep sorrow and pain as she weeps, a melody that reflects all the emotions that have been running through me this past week. The song sounds so sad that I can taste her tears. The wind is releasing her pain tonight and I wish I could join in her song.
It doesn’t matter what goes on in our lives, it is a parents’ responsibility to put everything aside when their child needs them. I have been feeling overwhelmed from taking on a little too much and was suddenly forced to put everything aside for the sake of my son. This is not a chore or a reason to complain but an absolute honour and privilege. 
It was my first visit to the ER since the day I left there without Bella. That didn’t even cross my mind until this morning. Nothing else was important except finding out what the problem was with my son and doing everything possible (as difficult as that was) to find an answer. I felt gratitude as we were fortunate to have the opportunity to go through all the steps we took. It may have been draining and seemed like torture, but not everyone is granted that window. Sometimes things happen way too quickly to even have a thought about what to do, and sometimes we are not aware that there is even a problem until it’s too late.💔
Every time I make an inch of progress, I am set back a mile. My grief has been surfacing and with all the distractions around me, it’s amazing that I even have time to cry. But this time my setback isn’t about me. It’s about being a mother to the most incredible little boy I know. It was about being strong for him to ease his fear, remaining calm and making decisions while staying present.
What I am finding out is that how we cope is a choice. I hear many parents complaining about the little things (feeling tired, impatient, overworked, and needing a break) yet what many parents don’t see is how blessed they are to be feeling that way. Your thought about it will attract positivity or negativity, and you are in control of which you choose. It frustrates me to hear things like that because I rarely complain about my life circumstances. I complained a lot when Bella was with me because life was so difficult but all that did was steal positivity from the good moments I could have had (there were many, but could have been many more… That’s my guilt). If life isn’t working for you, it’s time to make some changes. Learn the coping skills you need or figure out a plan that meets your needs. Appreciate the normal problems because believe me, you wouldn’t want to not feel tired, have less pressure from your kids or want more time to yourself if that meant living without them. Practice gratitude and the next time you want to complain, remember to appreciate what life has given you. Look at your gifts and remember to show thanks for them every single day. I am always grateful for my memories with Bella, but that’s all I will ever have… Memories…
Today I am thankful for my son. I am thankful that he will be okay. I am thankful for the hospital staff, for their thoroughness and caring approach. I am also thankful for the man laying in the bed beside me cuddled up to our son. Despite our differences, he gave me the 2 best gifts of my life. 
Today was my first scheduled full day at work, but instead Hudson’s father and I spent it in the Hospital with our son, putting our differences aside and doing what good parents do: we put our child first! Work can wait, my healing can wait, and my grief certainly isn’t going anywhere. Tonight I am right where I belong and all else is off in the distance.
The wind is reminding me that it’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to feel pain and cry. It’s also ok to be afraid. Fear can drive us to make important decisions, but it’s important not to let fear cloud your view of the path. When that cloudiness appears, take a deep breath and be present! Fear has led me to this safe place where I can listen to the song yet be protected from the storm. Tonight I simply listen. Tonight I #StayStrong❤️

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The last 2 weeks have been absolutely crazy! The car accident, starting back to work, and so much more had happened along the way. The biggest challenge has been finding another vehicle. Insurance isn’t always fair and when an accident isn’t your fault, you expect them to be there to support you until you find a replacement vehicle, but this has been far from the case. I still haven’t received the payment for my car and had to return the rental. I was in a rush to find a vehicle, yet problems have kept surfacing which have felt like many more slaps in the face. A few days ago, I found the force behind these issues👼.
The day after finding out my car was a write-off, I felt the need to go car shopping despite being sick. I knew I was looking for something specific, a feeling I knew I’d get when I sat in the car I would buy. I test drove a few vehicles that were okay but they felt like I would be settling. After leaving the ford dealership where the guy wanted $25,000 for a used Escape that had marks on it that couldn’t be fixed and was full of dog hair, I was quite frustrated. My son is allergic to dogs that shed but the salesman didn’t quite understand that cleaning it would not be good enough. It was hopeless. We decided to cross the street and check out the Mazda dealership quickly before heading home. 
Inside was a beautiful white CX-5 limited edition. I swear I was in love. When I first got into it, I knew immediately that it was exactly what I wanted. I test drove one similar and it just felt right. We found one that was a few years old, white like the model, but it was at another dealership so I put a deposit on it and they were going to bring it in for me.
A huge load off my shoulders… Until I got a phone call the next day informing me that the vehicle was sold to someone else. Another white one was found for me and was even nicer than the first one, but a bit more expensive. 
The day before I was to pick up my new car, I woke up at 5am from a terrible dream. In my dream I was driving a white car; I put it in reverse, hit a rock and rolled the car then crashed into a tree. The tree came down slowly and crushed me. I knew I was dead and I was looking for Bella. Then I woke up! The dream was so vivid, it felt very real.
Later that afternoon I had to return the rental car and get my things out of my Matrix. Right after work, the guy from the dealership called to inform me that there were some scratches along one side and the back of the car that I was supposed to pick up the following day. The owner was not willing to come down in price. I was furious and couldn’t believe what I was hearing. 
The search continued and I decided to take matters into my own hands and found myself the best deal yet: a white 2013 CX-5, loaded with 50,000 km for $20,000!!! There was some suspicion that it had been in an accident (the price was way too good) but the car proof report was clean. Something still felt off. (I found out later that not all accidents need to be reported in Quebec, so there was no way of knowing if anything happened to the car.)
My godmother messaged me the night before I was to pick up this vehicle. She was concerned and was getting a strong sense that I should not buy this car! She kept insisting all along that I look for a red car, not white. The feeling was so strong that she had a terrible headache. Her feeling matched my dream and I felt something wasn’t right but tried to dismiss it to overthinking. Instead I asked my BFF, the medium, if Bella had anything to say about it. And of course she did:
“yeah you cant buy the car. she says that mommy can’t buy it because it will get into another accident and this time hudson will be in the car. no one will be hurt but mommy won’t be able to take that extra stress. but don’t worry who do you think is making all these scratch marks. three strikes remember. I am doing my part…

I am getting something wrong with a white vehicle. something is not right. some sort of issue. I am getting something with steering wheel/air bag/etc. something to do with steering.”
Then I told her about my dream. Suddenly it all made sense! On my way to bed that night, there was a dark pink heart on my chest from Bella’s urn charm (her way of saying “I love you”). The next morning, I called to let them know I could not purchase the car. I still get a strong sense that it had been in an accident (usually when something is too good to be true, it is). When I called the guy at the Mazda dealership, he kept apologizing to me, but after all that stress, I just felt relieved! It just wasn’t meant to be. He informed me that the scratches on the second vehicle were not there the day before and had mysteriously appeared overnight. They have no idea what happened (but I do👼). 
I went back to the Mazda dealership and decided on a brand new 2016 RED CX-5! Buying used to save a few bucks was clearly not working, but after all the trouble, the guy gave me a GREAT deal! I’m only paying $14 more a month than a 4th used car he found for me, and this one is 3 years newer. 
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall into place. Sometimes bad things happen so that worse things don’t. Pay attention to the signs and have faith that everything will work out as it should. Once I realized who was behind all this “bad luck” and understood that the Universe wasn’t out to “get me” but my daughter was trying to save me, I felt calm. 
I pick up my new car on Wednesday. I feel good about it. It feels pretty amazing to know that I have an angel watching over me, even if she does make life challenging at times. She’s helping me stay safe. She’s helping me #StayStrong❤️

More Than Just A Car

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Some days are better than others. Today when I got out of bed, I looked at the last photo ever of Bella and I, which was taken 9 months ago, and I was reminded of all that is missing. I was reminded of the last moments I missed out on and the photos I could have taken. There seems to be many reminders this past week of how life must go on.
Last weekend my car was wounded but it turns out that was the last drive we would ever take together. Matilda was more than just a car to me. She was my safe heaven, my refuge, during Bella’s entire life. Her and I spent a lot of time driving because colic is a terrible thing to experience and it was often the only way I could get her to sleep. Some days it was the only ME time I would get. Even after the colic, a drive was still often the only way Bella would nap. So many memories. Daily drives to daycare, how she would take off her shoes and socks and throw them so I would have to search for them every single day. How Hudson taught her to dance in her car seat and I would try to watch them in the rear view mirror as I was driving because I knew that these were precious memories I wanted to hold onto. How I still find “gifts” from her hidden, like her name tag or hair clips. How I still look in the rear view mirror and visualize her sitting in her seat.

I’m not ready to say goodbye to my car. It’s just one more reminder that life continues after loss. One more loss. One more slap in the face. Apparently the Universe doesn’t think I have been through enough yet. 
After the month I’ve had, I’m surprised to still be standing, but I am! Standing stronger than ever because I have survived and continue to fight! How much can one person endure? It all started with Bella’s colic, but I believe that life has unfolded the way it has in order to make me stronger so I could get through the next challenge. I needed this strength in order to survive the unimaginable devastation I’ve been forced to endure, and the losses and cruelty keep coming at me! 
There was a time when my family splitting up was my worst fear. I survived life as a single mother although it was difficult. Every single day was a challenge. Looking back, I didn’t give myself enough credit because the pictures I took show a happy family full of love. We had those happy moments every single day! I believe I still don’t give myself enough credit. I have come a long way. I had a setback last week and my return to work didn’t go very well, but that’s okay because I WILL try again. It’s only considered failing when you give up! And after the month I’ve had, it’s no wonder the transition didn’t go smoothly.
This past month I met with the coroner to review Bella’s report which left me with more questions than answers. Now I have decisions to make with regards to further research and testing, or to let it be and accept that I will never have all the answers. Court and custody issues are draining, but when you are accused of murder in a court of law, that can really affect a person. How could someone ever think I am capable of such a horrible thing? I still can’t believe my name and that word were even uttered in the same sentence. Obviously there are no grounds for the accusation and it was an act of desperation, but that is not something I will ever be able to forget. (* I would like to clarify that the custody issues do not involve my son.) Losing my car, returning to work, being sick, and soooo much more. I am exhausted and in desperate need of a break. I’m not giving up but I need to take a time-out to process it all, reflect, and most importantly, REST! 
“I am not what happens to me. I am what I choose to become.” – Carl Jung 
Life hasn’t been easy, but I refuse to let what has happened to me define me. I am breaking down but I believe it’s the next logical process. I am a Phoenix and I am on fire. It’s only a matter of time before this fire burns out. When things cool off, I’ll be able to rise from the ashes and I will be different, transformed. It is a process and I’m meant to experience it.
Thank you to all the people who have checked in on me this week. Thank you for the kind words, the love and support. Thank you for helping me #StayStrong❤️
Click HERE to watch a special video.

Always Look For Rainbows

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The point of life is to learn, and learn I must. Once you suffer the worst imaginable, you have two choices: to hide and exist or to push every boundary that stands in your way. Today I realized that I have changed more than I could have imagined. Tragedies exist but they don’t ruin you unless you allow them to.
Today I learned a few things about myself. After Bella transitioned, I learned how to be strong. The moment my mother found out about Bella, she went into shock and fear took me over. I was so scared that I might lose her too. In that moment I knew that I needed to be strong for her. For my grandmother. For my SON! I needed to be strong so that my family could get through this and not have to worry about ME. I let them down the next day but ever since I woke up from heaven, something in me changed. I understood in that instant sitting in the ER that my son was scared. He just lost his sister and thought he lost his mommy too. In that instant I understood that Hudson would be okay as long as I am. In that moment I knew that I had to be strong. I started blocking the pain and tried leaving it on a shelf. I planned to leave it there until I was ready to feel the pain. I remember the days that I thought the time would never be right to open that box. Today I proved to myself that I can do this! I can comfort the people around me and help them through their pain then let go when I need to.
Last weekend was a big step. We drove to Buffalo in hopes of seeing Prince Charming’s son and ended up bringing him home with us for the week. The night we arrived I had to change Bella’s bed. Her crib was untouched until that moment, exactly as she had left it. It was a difficult thing to do but there is no one else I would have done it for. I knew I loved that little boy unconditionally before I even met him. To have him sleep in Bella’s crib was an honour. I was amazed at how easily I got through the process. I cried and I felt the pain of packing Bella’s soiled sheets away, but I celebrated the little boy we fought so hard to see. I was told I would never be able to put my feelings on a shelf and was told to experience grief as it comes. I don’t believe that to be true at all. I can now say that I am successfully able to grieve when the time is right. It needed to be that way for me so I could protect others.
I was in a car crash today. My mother was with me and we are ok, but my car is not. I tried to swerve to miss a truck that pulled out in front of me on the highway. After the crash, I tried to open my door but it wouldn’t open. My first instinct was to yell at the girl, but I quickly saw how shook up she was and the only words she could speak were “I’m so sorry.” I wanted to hug her and tell her that it’s not a big deal. The insurance would take care of costs. No one was hurt. It could have been so much worse. Instead of getting upset with her, I gave her some calming bath salt (we were on our way back from the bridal show where I was selling some of my home made goods) so I gave her something that would help calm her, and of course an angel card. Why would I want her to feel any worse than she already felt? I’m sure that door wouldn’t open to give me those few extra minutes to cool down. And I’m sure the car accident happened so that something worse didn’t. Karma is a powerful force and sometimes works in inconspicuous ways. 
Lesson of the day: ALWAYS treat others as you would want them to treat you. Karma will come back to you, I promise. And Karma can be BEAUTIFUL as long as that’s what you put out in the universe. Thank you, Bella, for showing me how to slow down, to appreciate the small things and to follow my inner voice. It’s leading me to amazing places I could never dream of, and I know this journey has barely just begun.
Something else I am reminded of daily is that little angel I have watching over me, protecting me. Somehow I know that by staying here today and not going with Tom, we were saved from something terrible. I somehow know I was meant to be in an accident today. I’m thankful my kids weren’t in the car. It could have been so much worse! Always remember that no matter what happens, it could always be so much worse. If I can say that and believe it, anyone can! No matter what happens, always #StayStrong❤️
I posted a photo of my car on my personal Facebook page and of course there is a HUGE rainbow across the photo. I’m sitting at my computer desk and just looked up. Rainbows are everywhere! ☺️🌈❤️