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It’s finally starting to sink in, but I’m fighting it with every ounce of strength I have in me. She’s not coming back. This is not a dream. I am wide awake. 
I’m exhausted. I sleep but it never seems to be enough. I’m emotionally drained, and this kind of tired is not easy to fix. 
My life is at a standstill but I want it this way. So much will be changing in the next coming weeks that I’m not ready for. Hudson will be back in school in 2 weeks. I have to think about going back to work. So many changes are happening all around me that I can’t even begin to describe.
The worst part of losing a child is the reality that life has to go on without her. It HAS to… But I don’t want it to. I want to freeze time because every moment that passes is a moment farther from the last time I saw her. But time goes by. Birthdays come and go and people get older. We experience new things, learn and grow. Family members leave home, get new jobs, start new lives. New people come into our lives, people Bella never met. How can these things still happen in a world without her? It still makes no sense to me. How can she not be here to experience these things with us?
We went to check out the new playground that’s being built down the street. It breaks me to know she will never get to enjoy it. We went to the old one we used to go to as a family, and all the memories tear me apart. It doesn’t matter where we go or what we do, everything reminds me of her. 
Memories are the most valuable thing any human can possess. I may be so blessed to have these priceless keepsakes, yet at the same time they cause so much pain. It’s bittersweet. But I can’t stop thinking about her. I wouldn’t want to no matter how much it hurts.
I continue to stand tall and strong. Patience is keeping me grounded. I wait by the phone, hoping it will ring at any moment. Patiently wait for answers that we may never receive. 
And so here I wait, broken, with my memories…

 

#StayStrong❤️ #BrokenMemories #IMissYou

altcarter Leave a comment

I miss being the first one up. It’s when I felt most inspired to write and it’s the only time the words flow out effortlessly. I also miss staying up late to read after everyone goes to bed. I miss my family all being here. Life has to go on for all of us, but I’m just not ready.
It feels as though time is standing still for me as I watch everyone around me live their lives. New babies, new jobs, new apartments in new cities, new opportunities for new lives. I am stagnant yet everyone around me is moving on. I wouldn’t want it any other way. My time will come too but that time is not now.
For me it’s been new ways of communicating with my daughter, new ways she makes her presence known, new books to help me get through this difficult transition and a new me that is the result of all these things. 
For me it’s still about being strong for my family while we wait for answers.
For me is coping with all the change, and that unfortunately means less of many things. Less people around, less commotion, less hugs, less chaos. Oh how I miss the chaos. 
I miss my grandmother visiting us every day. I miss waking up with 2 kids cuddling in my bed. I miss my good morning “I won’t ever let you go” hugs. I miss Barney and Elmo. I miss watching Hudson and Bella play, laugh and be silly. I miss seeing Hudson be the best, most loving big brother in the world. I miss not being able to take my eyes off her for a second because she was fearless and a safety hazard. I miss trying to get things done and her being at my feet complaining that I wasn’t giving her attention. I miss the sleepless nights and the frustration of getting Bella to bed every single night of her short life. I even miss the days of colic!
I would go back to the most difficult days of my life because I would give anything to see my baby girl again. She has pushed me (over and over) to limits I never knew existed. I learned so much from her in such a short time. 
Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. Being a single parent is even harder, and then multiply that by 2! Everyone has bad days, and it’s ok to occasionally vent about it, but just remember that there are people out there who would give anything to have those bad days once again💔. In an instant, all my frustration suddenly became a permanent hole, a wound so great that nothing can ever make it better. 
Those difficult days are a blessing. 
“Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.” -Marilyn Monroe
Here is a peek at one of our many challenging days, but I still managed to find the happy moments❤️


#StayStrong❤️ #Appreciation #DifficultDays #FindTheHappy

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It’s 3am and I lie awake in bed alone wishing I could go back to the days that I wondered when I would sleep again. It’s one thing to experience difficulties in life and wish time away. It’s another to willingly give absolutely anything to go back to those difficult days. 
I feel guilty that I wished time away. I couldn’t wait until things got a little bit easier. I couldn’t wait for Bella to sleep at night, in her own bed, in her own bedroom. And here I am, awake and alone, wishing I could roll over and touch her soft hair and listen to her heart beating. 
Be careful what you wish for because it just might come true. You don’t get moments back. Even the difficult times have some positive in them. Back when I forgot what sleep was, I was thankful Bella was no longer screaming all day (colic taught me a lot) and grateful that she was happy. Even after 4 hours of sleep (max)

I still woke up every morning singing silly songs to the kids because it put us in a good mood and was a great way to start the day.
Right now, despite the unbearable pain I feel every moment, I still manage to find the happy moments every single day. I don’t wake up singing anymore (not yet, anyway) but we manage to have fun. We make time every day for cuddles, laughs, and take frequent selfies. It’s so important to pay attention to those little things, because they add up fast, and together they are pretty powerful!


#ProjectLife #HappyMoments #Selfie #StayStrong❤️

July 31, 2014

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Yesterday was a busy one. My parents and my girl brothers (my sisters and niece) went to Timmins to get our Bella tattoos. I must have the most loving and supportive family in existence and I’m still blown away that both my parents now have tattoos.

After our new ink, we went out for lunch. I can’t remember the last time we were all in the same vehicle, let alone out at a restaurant together. It was a very special day.

We all spent the night at mom and dads again. I love our night time conversations and right now I’m waiting for everyone to wake up so we can have our coffee together. It makes me wonder how much different life could be if we went back to living together with extended family and could do this every day. Family is by far the most important thing in my life and I’m so grateful that I have the best of the best!

I’m going to be taking a break from posting for a while. There are things I need to focus on, so I’m going to take the time now to do that. When the time is right, I’ll be back. I’ll keep everyone posted on how I’m doing, but don’t expect to hear from me everyday… Just for now. In the mean time, know that I am surrounded by love and support.

#StayStrong

July 29, 2014

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Reality is now starting to sink in and my strength is bending ever so slightly. This is a positive thing as I am tired of not feeling the pain. Most people ask for drugs when coping with a tragedy yet I’m asking them to take me off the drugs and let me feel the pain. I’m ready for it. I’m strong enough now that I can handle it.

These last few days have been more difficult for me but I’m still not able to cry. I feel sad, but that’s as far as it goes. A huge part of me died and I’m frustrated that I can’t cry. As much as people say to give myself time, I believe how I am feeling is not part of the natural process. I feel that I am overmedicated because some people thought I tried to commit suicide, which couldn’t be farther from the truth. Not only do I want to live, I want to HEAL and I want to be HAPPY because that’s what Bella would want and it’s also what Hudson needs. In order to get there, I need to FEEL instead of keeping this band-aid on the wound. It’s time to rip that band-aid off and let myself bleed so that a scab can form and recovery can officially begin.

My heart is shattered and it will never be the same, but I am confident that it will heal. I will have a million scars where it’s broken, but those scars will be beautiful reminders of how Bella touched my life. She has forever changed me and I’m so blessed that I got to know heaven’s most beautiful angel. She was a gift sent here for me. She changed me. There is no going back to how things were before I met her. I would never want it to. But it’s time to plan my recovery so I can find my new normal.

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” – Anne Lamott

It’s time I learn how to dance again. #StayStrong

July 28, 2014

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I can’t believe it’s been a month already, yet part of me feels like more time has passed. I miss her so much. Her crib is still how she left it, other than Hudson crawling in to get her Cinderella stuffy. The rest of her things are all in the spare bedroom, which is now her room. Her photos are on display and I often go in just to look at her sweet face. Her dirty laundry is still sitting in the hamper, which I don’t think I’ll ever be able to wash.

Hudson and I slept at home last night, finally. He crawled into bed with me early this morning. There was someone missing though. Hudson must have read my mind because just as I though it, he said “I miss Bella.” We talked about her for a while then Hudson asked me to stop because talking about her makes him sad. I told him it’s ok to talk about her and it’s ok to be sad. I think it’s finally starting to sink in for us both that she isn’t coming back.

Hudson has always been an affectionate and loving child, but it’s currently to the extreme. He tells me at least 20 times an hour (often that many times in 5 minutes) that he loves me, and he needs to be beside me or on top of me most of the time. He seems to think it’s his job to protect me, which saddens me that a 5 year old feels that way. He’s afraid that I will die too. I think this is normal considering what he’s been through, but it’s still not something a parent can easily accept. His job is to be a carefree child, not to worry about his mother.

Not much has changed in a month. It’s as though my life is on hold, standing still.

I look at her pictures every day. I am so afraid of forgetting her face, her smell, her voice. Mornings are the most difficult because that was my favourite time with her. I woke up with her beside me every single day for 19.5 months. I miss rolling over and kissing her, then either playing in bed with her and Hudson for a while or having my coffee in peace while waiting for her to wake up. She would always wrap her arms around me as soon as she saw me, give me a huge hug, and would only let go when I sat down. I would hold her standing for as long as possible, to savour the moment.

Today is a special day in heaven as it is Granny’s 96th birthday. I’m sure her, Bella and Grampa are celebrating together. I can just imagine the awesome dance party going on up there. She may have been gone from us for a month, but she’s been with Granny and Grampa for a month, and this helps comfort me as I know she is well cared for. Happy Birthday Granny. Be sure to dance with my baby girl today.

#StayStrong

July 22, 2014

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Today was a better day. Bella has been sending me (as well as others) many signs that she’s still with us. Rainbows in living rooms, wind chimes when there is no wind, plants blossoming after years of no flowers, and a few lucky people have even been visited.

During my session with Brian (the medium), he mentioned marks on my skin that were only on one side of my body. These marks appeared on my skin the day after my “breakdown.” That was more than 3 weeks ago. They are definitely not bruises or rash of any sort, which is what I first assumed. Today I noticed that they are getting darker. I’ve been in the sun, so maybe as my skin is getting darker, the marks are darkening too. Something tells me that’s not it though.

According to Brian (from Bella), the marks are a result of the trauma I suffered and will eventually disappear. He said that she wanted me to know it was her. I’m unclear if he meant she caused the marks or if she was mentioning them as a way for me to know he was really communicating with her. There is no way Brian would have known about these marks.

Although she said they will eventually go away, I’m not sure I want them to as they remind me of her. Proof, in a way, that she’s still with me.

Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories of signs from Bella. Please keep them coming.

#StayStrong #ProjectLife #SignsFromAbove #AngelsAreReal

July 21, 2014

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I don’t want to move today. I’m laying by the pool at my sister’s house and all I can think about is grass. I want to go somewhere else to be by myself and lay in grass. Somewhere quiet. By myself.

It’s not a good day. I have anxiety and feel guilt. We had a fabulous day yesterday. We sat and talked about Bella and I felt normal, just for a little while. And I feel guilty today that I felt normal, even if it was just for a little while.

I’m back to feeling a numbing pain throughout my entire body. It envelops me and I want nothing more than to let it take me away. And the guilt has returned, but today it’s because I’m here visiting family yet I just want to be alone.

My grief comes in waves. I have good days and bad ones, but I’ve come to realize that I try to sort my emotions into boxes and leave it there until I have the time and ability to sort through the mess and feel the pain. I leave it for days I am alone.
I do this as an effort to be the best mother I can be to Hudson. But on days like this, I don’t want to open a box and sort through, I would rather jump into the box and hide there. It’s days like this that I feel I won’t come back from, but the wave will rise, then fall. And it will crash, but it’s those hard crashes I fear the most. So I don’t let the crash come. Instead, the wave will recede once more and I pick myself up, dry myself off, put the box back on the shelf and leave it there until I feel I have the time to sort through it.

I think my family worries because I refuse to deal with these feelings on the days I feel them. They tell me I need to verbalize my needs and allow myself to feel the pain when it comes. But it’s not convenient today. So I will repress it and save it for a better day. Maybe.

#StayStrong

July 19, 2014

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I didn’t have time to post yesterday because I was too busy spending time with 2 of my BFFs. I had a great day and ate some amazing food. I even laughed. Then I fell asleep with my little man and slept almost 11 hours. I guess I needed it.

I’ve been reluctant to go out in public, afraid of how people might react when they see me. I realize how uncomfortable someone might feel when they see me and are not sure what to say. I understand that it may be uncomfortable for others, but there is nothing worse than seeing someone you know avoid you because they aren’t sure what to say. I just want to reassure anyone who feels this way that you can’t say anything wrong, and I don’t expect words of any kind. But please, don’t ignore me. I must say that overall, people have been pretty amazing. I want to thank every single person who has seen me in public who has come up to me, even if it was just to give me a hug. Your kindness will never be forgotten.

I have absolutely no motivation to move today yet there is so much that needs to be done. Dishes, laundry, and I need to pack because we are going south for a few days. It will be good for me to be away from here but getting ready will be a challenge.

I have my session with the medium ready for me to listen to again. I look forward to sharing some of it with you all very soon. It had quite an impact on me and there is no doubt in my mind that I was speaking to my angel.

July 17, 2014

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Bella drew this at daycare weeks prior to her departure. She made the rainbow with a special crayon, which is incredible considering at 18 month old all she was capable of was scribbling. The scribble on the side looks like an angel.

Bella drew this at daycare weeks prior to her departure. She made the rainbow with a special crayon, which is incredible considering at 18 month old all she was capable of was scribbling. The scribble on the side looks like an angel.

There is so much more to life than humans can even begin to understand. What is the purpose of life? What happens when we die? Does heaven exist? Will we ever see our loved ones again? We have all thought about these questions and my recent experiences keep confirming my beliefs over and over.

Before I lay my beliefs out there, I’ll start off my saying this: people tend to judge what they don’t understand and criticize others when their beliefs differ. That being said, I expect criticism. Judge me all you want. It will not change a thing for me. Just do it with tact. I feel a need to share this so regardless of what comes from that, here it goes…

I believe the purpose of life is to experience. We all came here with a mission, a plan. My life has unfolded the way it has because it was necessary for me to experience these things in order
to get where I need to be. I have never felt self-pity despite all the challenges I’ve been faced with (literally one after another) because deep down I know that I chose this path. I came here to experience and I’m getting the biggest bang for my buck! Our souls choose to experience so we can evolve.

The morning Bella left, she kept whispering in my ear that “it will be okay. It’s meant to be this way.” I knew she was gone yet I kept pushing that whisper away, refusing to listen, but I know it was the truth. It was her fate to leave this world so she could fulfill her life purpose. I’ve had a strong sense that our life missions are intertwined. It’s my duty to help her fulfill hers.

Of course heaven exists. Bella isn’t dead, she just transitioned to another realm. She hasn’t gone anywhere, but she’s vibrating at a higher frequency and although I can’t see her, I can feel her energy. She’s never too far from me.

As for seeing her again, I already have. The day after she passed I almost died. People speak of a bright white light that appears when we die. I saw this light, and Bella was just beyond it, just out of my reach. As I kept trying to touch her, I was begging her to take me with her, but she told me (telepathically) that my mission is not complete and I have a lot more to accomplish in this life. She said that she is ok, and that Hudson needs me more than she does.

I am no longer afraid of dying. Death is not the end, it’s just the beginning. I spoke with a medium today and he confirmed much of what I just said. She’s still with me and very much alive. I’ll get into details later but here is a brief summary. She kisses me goodnight every night. She is in a beautiful place full of rainbows and she loves to smell flowers. The dark days are finally behind me and she will forever be my guide.

Confirmation this man I spoke with today was really communicating with Bella. He said there is a piece of her artwork I’ve been wanting to frame, and Bella told me to frame it. It’s truly the most precious thing she created. Anyone on my Facebook page knows how Bella has been making her presence known through rainbows. Here is that piece of artwork she made, just for me.

#StayStrong #ProjectLife