birthday in heaven

7th Birthday in Heaven

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Child loss is devastating. It is undoubtably the most pain I have ever, and will ever, experience in my life. It’s something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. It breaks you. Changes you. Over time, it molds you as you grieve to become someone your old self doesn’t recognize. It’s a continuous cycle of gathering up the pieces of your shattered soul only to have a storm come through and tear the pieces from your arms. Over. And over. And over again.

This is the reality of child loss, although there is hope in the darkness. The space between the storms begins to grow and, for the most part, they weaken in strength. The mess the storm leaves becomes easier to clean up. Your soul remains shattered, but all a grieving parent can do is make an effort to focus on the beauty that is born from the brokenness.

The beauty in grief are the love and the lessons. Looking for positive elements is one of the most helpful factors to healing. My grief has taught me many lessons and I hold on to the these valuable gifts.

This month we celebrated what would have been Bella’s 7th Birthday. Just because she is no longer in a physical body does not mean she is not here. Her presence was felt strongly as we celebrated her essence and I trust she appreciated the cake and all the love sent her way. This year, I spent Bella’s Birthday reflecting on all she has taught me.

My daughter’s death has taught me how to be grateful for the difficult times I endured with her, such as when she had colic and I was struggling to cope. 9+ hours of screaming every day was horrendous, but I am now grateful for those many endless days she spent in my arms. This is also where she slept for the first 15 months of her life. It wasn’t always easy, but it was where she felt safe and I am comforted knowing I was able to provide her this security.

My daughter has taught me the value of a moment and the treasure of a memory. She has shown me that nothing is permanent, and that there is something to be happy about every day! We would look for the happy moments in every day, and on darker days when those moments were less obvious, we would be happy on purpose to create a moment to  be captured in a photograph. I have hundreds of these mementos, all of which are priceless treasures.

Then there are the hard lessons, which I will continue to learn as they resurface from time to time. I have had to learn to accept what happened to my daughter, to forgive myself for being a less than perfect parent, and to let go of what will never be. I’m not certain I will ever fully recover from this, and I am learning to accept this.

I was given the opportunity to create such an incredible life and nurture her every day she lived in her physical body. Every moment I had with her is one I will cherish until the end of time.

Grief changes you. It’s inevitable, but you get to decide HOW it changes you. You do this by choosing where you focus your energy and what you give your attention to.

7 years ago, I gave birth to a little girl who I held in my arms for 19 months and will continue to hold in my heart for the rest of my life. This magnificent soul changed every aspect of me. I continue to learn how to be her mother, just as Hudson and Aria continue to learn how to be her sister. Even if that means blowing out her Birthday candles for her.

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Happy Birthday Bella. We love you more than life. XO

Happy 6th Birthday in Heaven Sweet Angel

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I woke up this morning and it wasn’t just an ordinary day. Your sister has a cough, which always makes me anxious. She woke up coughing and I looked over at her in your old bed and told her to come cuddle with mommy. “Okay,” she said, then threw her stuffed baby shark, her choocho (soother), and rainbow blanket on the bed, then waited for me to gently pull her up. I hugged her tight and said: “Today is a special day. It’s Bella’s Birthday. Can you say Happy Birthday Bella!?” She whispered softly: “Happy Birthday Bella!” Then she pointed the painting of Bella on the wall. “Oh no. Mommy, what happened? What happened??”

Your baby sister has said a few strange things about you lately. She used to say that the pictures of you were her, but recently she started calling you “Poossa.” This is our nickname for Aria, but he strange thing is when she refers to herself, she calls herself Aria. When I ask her where Bella is, she will point to one of the 2 canvases of you on the wall, but will say Poossa, as if she’s correcting me. “There Poossa!” Of course, we have never referred to you as Poossa.

About a week ago, she started saying “Oh No!” when she points to your photos. Yesterday, when I picked her up from Daycare I asked if we would go home and see Daddy and she said “yes. See Maui?” I replied “yes, we will see Maui too.” Aria then looked at me and said “and Poossa? Go see Poossa?” I wasn’t sure what to make of this. I asked if she meant Bella and she excitedly said, “Okay!”

Aria has always been bright for her age. But I can’t wrap my head around how a 2.5 year old understands that you were a real person and something happened to you. More than that, I have no idea how to respond to her when she asks me what happened to you! How do you explain “death” to a 2 year old? I was honest and told her you are in Heaven, but of course she has no idea what that means.

You would have been 6 years old today, but you will remain 19 months old forever in my heart. As time passes, these difficult days get easier as my grief transforms. When a difficult day is approaching, something minor and completely unrelated to you will break me and I’ll cry so hard that I can’t breathe. This is my way of releasing my human emotions, which is inevitable, and makes these difficult days easier to get through. It’s also my way of letting go, as I no longer want sadness to dominate and leave me unable to cope through these milestones I am forced to get through without you.

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“…And then there was you!” – November 14, 2012

For every year that passes between your birth and the present moment, I let go a little bit more.

In letting go, I choose acceptance.

In letting go, I choose to keep putting one foot in front of the other with my head held high so I can see the beauty before me.

In letting go, I choose this life I was meant to live and decide to make the most of every day.

In letting go, I choose not to let your absence drown me in sorrow, but instead keep looking for your presence everywhere I look.

I’m sad and I miss you, but I am no longer grieving for you. Thank you for the blessings and the lessons. Thank you for always being at my side. And thank you for helping me let go.

Today, I ask for your guidance in how to respond to your baby sister. Someday she will be old enough to tell her all about you. Maybe she’s ready for that now, but what if I’m not!? I feel you in her. Maybe that’s why I don’t miss you as much as I once did. But Aria isn’t you and will never replace you, and you will always hold a special place in our family.

Happy 6th Birthday in Heaven my sweet Angel. I love you more than life!

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#StayStrong❤

Bella’s 5th Birthday in Heaven

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It’s morning and I wake up to the sound of my alarm. I fight through sleep and open my eyes and my first thought is you. It’s your birthday today; you would be 5 years old. I close my eyes and imagine what it would be like if you were still here. I see myself jump out of bed and run into your bedroom excited to wake you up. I sing as I enter your room. “Happy Birthday to you…Happy Birthday to you… Happy Birthday sweet Bella…Happy Birthday to you.”

Tears fill my eyes and as I open them, the tears run down my check as reality slams me down and steals the wind from my lungs. I’m paralyzed and struggle to breathe. My mother’s words fill my ears: “This cant be happening!” Yes, it happened and this is real life.

I close my eyes again and return to my safe place where death isn’t real and You are fully alive. Your vibrancy fills my lungs with air as a smile sweeps across my face.

Your dirty-blond hair falls mid-back, is straight and full of body. Your eyes are the same, old and wise. Your face hasn’t changed much, just a few years older. You dance as I sing to you, twirling round and round. You giggle and grin and are so happy, so alive! You are so excited that it’s your birthday and thrive on the extra love I give you on this special day. I want to make sure you know just how special this day is to me, how very much you mean to me.

The alarm sounds again and you vanish as I cling to the memory of what I just witnessed. I’m instantly reminded that I won’t be singing to you again this year.

My chest is heavy and I refuse to get out of bed. Today is one of those days that I allow myself to not be okay.

I look at the photos of your birth and try to relive the moments captured. I desperately want to return to that day, to give birth to you once more. The pain of your 9 lbs 3.5oz body passing through me is nothing compared to this pain of having to live in a world without you. I would relive the day of your birth over and over again until the end of time just to have one more moment with you.

*****

I decided I needed to get out of bed tonight day because our puppy needed the go to the vet. A special friend showed up and spent the day with me; it was nice not to be alone. The day ended with cake, balloons, and a small gathering in our living room. Signs surrounded me today reminding me that she is never far away.

The best part of the day was hearing my family sing “Happy Birthday” Bella! Having only celebrated one birthday on earth, we have only sang it to her once before… until tonight. I’ve been reading about how other parents get through their child’s birthday after loss and was surprised at how many of them actually sign to their child in heaven. My friend brought a candle for Bella’s cake, so we sang. And it felt wonderful! I hope Bella was dancing in heaven today, with the angels, under the rainbows.

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#StayStrong❤️

 

Happy Birthday in Heaven

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It’s hard to believe it’s already been 2 years since the best day of my life. It’s even harder to believe that she’s not here to celebrate it with us. My heart fills with love when I remember that amazing moment I saw my baby girl for the first time. My heart then shatters into a million pieces when I realize how brief my time was with her. 
The day before is always harder. I think it’s the anticipation. It’s a gift that I can get the negative emotions out a day early so that I can enjoy the important day, but I was a complete disaster yesterday. The pain was unbearable. Fortunately for me, I am surrounded by people who love me and were right by my side. 
Bella’s birthday bash has been a much needed distraction. I’ve been keeping very busy preparing for her big day tomorrow. Distractions are great but it feels amazing to be able to continue doing things for her. 
Since the last few days have been so busy, I’m taking a few minutes now to remember the day of Isabella’s birth. I just came across a letter my niece (who was also my doula) wrote to Bella about her birth. Everyone has such a unique birth story. Here is mine and Bella’s:
The Birth of Isabella Maria Kasner 

 

Isabella, I am addressing this to you because I wish that I could have something as precious as this. This is the story of the day you were born, and I hope one day you cherish it as I would.  


Your mom texted me at 1:47 am on Wednesday, November 14th, 2012. She wanted to know how she could tell if her water had broken, since she noticed some fluid come out in the toilet. I reassured her that it could be her water, but it is most likely her mucous plug, which is what comes out first before you go into labour. I told her to try and get some sleep since I anticipated that you would be coming shortly. At 6:14 am, mom texted me again saying that the midwife, Ali, said to go to the hospital soon since she thought she was in early labour. Her contractions were 3 to 5 minutes apart and lasting about 50 seconds. Your mom and dad left for New Liskeard at 8:00 am, and your brother Hudson stayed with Nonna and Grandpa. The midwife arrived shortly after your parents and checked mom’s dilation at 9:45. She was 2 cm dilated and almost fully effaced, which means her cervix was almost paper thin. Your head was all the way down, which meant you were on your way! Your mom really enjoyed sitting on the toilet to help with the contractions. Zia Lori and I arrived at the hospital at lunchtime. Your mom was in the middle of a contraction when we walked in, but kept her focus to get through it. Your dad was very supportive of your mom during her contractions and knew exactly how to calm her down. Her contractions were still about 50 seconds long, but were now occurring every two minutes. She was 4 cm and fully effaced, which meant she was now in active labour. Ali was very helpful in using encouraging words to help your mom get through her contractions. She also brought in a birth stool as an option, but your mom did not need it. Your mom was very good at listening to her body and switching positions during her labour. She got on her knees beside the bed and began to feel like she had to push at about 1:15. Her water broke close to this time and it was a perfectly clear fluid, which means that you didn’t poop! (always a good sign). The midwife frequently checked your heart rate. It fluctuated between 130 and 145 which meant you were very excited to meet your family! Your mom got on her hands and knees on the bed and was swinging her hips back and forth. She had found her rhythm, which is exactly what she had to do. The midwife checked your mom’s dilation one more time, and decided that she would push back the last centimeter of cervix, since your head was right there! Your mom began to push at 1:45 on her hands and knees, and she did an amazing job. Your head came out at about 2:08 and you were born at 2:11. Everyone cried. It was a moment of pure bliss. Your mom was given a shot of oxytocin in her leg and yelled louder than she did giving birth to you! There was a large amount of bleeding after your placenta came out, and was considered a postpartum hemorrhage. Thankfully everything was ok. You were a whopping 9 pounds 3.5 ounces and 21 inches long. Everyone was blown away about how big you were since your brother was only 7 pounds and your mom was only one day overdue! The midwife showed everyone the different parts of the placenta and gave it to me to dehydrate and encapsulate (for your mom to ingest to help with postpartum symptoms). The midwife left and Zia Lori and I gave your mom and dad a few moments to spend with their new beautiful baby girl. I am truly blessed to have been able to experience this wonderful journey with your mother and you. I hope that one day you realize the miracle of birth, and realize that you were brought into this world in the most calm, natural, loving and beautiful environment possible. 

 

And to you Auntie Angie…Thank you for letting me be part of this. I can’t express the gratitude that I feel for being able to be part of your special journey and the fact that you trusted me throughout this experience.  

 

Love Always 

Bailey XOXO


#StayStrong❤️ #HappyBirthdayAngel👼