I can’t believe it’s been a month already, yet part of me feels like more time has passed. I miss her so much. Her crib is still how she left it, other than Hudson crawling in to get her Cinderella stuffy. The rest of her things are all in the spare bedroom, which is now her room. Her photos are on display and I often go in just to look at her sweet face. Her dirty laundry is still sitting in the hamper, which I don’t think I’ll ever be able to wash.

Hudson and I slept at home last night, finally. He crawled into bed with me early this morning. There was someone missing though. Hudson must have read my mind because just as I though it, he said “I miss Bella.” We talked about her for a while then Hudson asked me to stop because talking about her makes him sad. I told him it’s ok to talk about her and it’s ok to be sad. I think it’s finally starting to sink in for us both that she isn’t coming back.

Hudson has always been an affectionate and loving child, but it’s currently to the extreme. He tells me at least 20 times an hour (often that many times in 5 minutes) that he loves me, and he needs to be beside me or on top of me most of the time. He seems to think it’s his job to protect me, which saddens me that a 5 year old feels that way. He’s afraid that I will die too. I think this is normal considering what he’s been through, but it’s still not something a parent can easily accept. His job is to be a carefree child, not to worry about his mother.

Not much has changed in a month. It’s as though my life is on hold, standing still.

I look at her pictures every day. I am so afraid of forgetting her face, her smell, her voice. Mornings are the most difficult because that was my favourite time with her. I woke up with her beside me every single day for 19.5 months. I miss rolling over and kissing her, then either playing in bed with her and Hudson for a while or having my coffee in peace while waiting for her to wake up. She would always wrap her arms around me as soon as she saw me, give me a huge hug, and would only let go when I sat down. I would hold her standing for as long as possible, to savour the moment.

Today is a special day in heaven as it is Granny’s 96th birthday. I’m sure her, Bella and Grampa are celebrating together. I can just imagine the awesome dance party going on up there. She may have been gone from us for a month, but she’s been with Granny and Grampa for a month, and this helps comfort me as I know she is well cared for. Happy Birthday Granny. Be sure to dance with my baby girl today.

#StayStrong

I finally cried last night. Not a big cry, but a cry nonetheless. It was our first night at home (alone) since Bella left. We have been so busy that I haven’t had much one on one time with Hudson. I ordered some books for him and last night we finally read our first one, “When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death.” Explaining to a 5 year old that his sister is gone forever is hard enough, but for him to worry about other people he loves dying is more than I can handle. Death is unpredictable and it’s unfair to make promises you can’t keep. He told me he misses Bella so much and wants to go to heaven too. “One day, baby boy, when you’re an old old man.” …I hope, but no one ever really knows for sure.

We danced last night. Our first dance party without Bella. It just wasn’t the same. But life doesn’t stop, and she would want us to dance. I’m sure she was dancing with us, but probably doing a whole bunch of new moves only an angel could pull off.

No matter how much I want to curl up in a ball and disappear, I have a little boy who needs me. And I will make sure to keep making memories, no matter how hard I need to force myself. We never know how long we have together, but it’s not about how much time you have that matters. It’s about what you do with the time you have!

#StayStrong #ProjectLife