Grief

July 31, 2014

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Yesterday was a busy one. My parents and my girl brothers (my sisters and niece) went to Timmins to get our Bella tattoos. I must have the most loving and supportive family in existence and I’m still blown away that both my parents now have tattoos.

After our new ink, we went out for lunch. I can’t remember the last time we were all in the same vehicle, let alone out at a restaurant together. It was a very special day.

We all spent the night at mom and dads again. I love our night time conversations and right now I’m waiting for everyone to wake up so we can have our coffee together. It makes me wonder how much different life could be if we went back to living together with extended family and could do this every day. Family is by far the most important thing in my life and I’m so grateful that I have the best of the best!

I’m going to be taking a break from posting for a while. There are things I need to focus on, so I’m going to take the time now to do that. When the time is right, I’ll be back. I’ll keep everyone posted on how I’m doing, but don’t expect to hear from me everyday… Just for now. In the mean time, know that I am surrounded by love and support.

#StayStrong

July 29, 2014

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Reality is now starting to sink in and my strength is bending ever so slightly. This is a positive thing as I am tired of not feeling the pain. Most people ask for drugs when coping with a tragedy yet I’m asking them to take me off the drugs and let me feel the pain. I’m ready for it. I’m strong enough now that I can handle it.

These last few days have been more difficult for me but I’m still not able to cry. I feel sad, but that’s as far as it goes. A huge part of me died and I’m frustrated that I can’t cry. As much as people say to give myself time, I believe how I am feeling is not part of the natural process. I feel that I am overmedicated because some people thought I tried to commit suicide, which couldn’t be farther from the truth. Not only do I want to live, I want to HEAL and I want to be HAPPY because that’s what Bella would want and it’s also what Hudson needs. In order to get there, I need to FEEL instead of keeping this band-aid on the wound. It’s time to rip that band-aid off and let myself bleed so that a scab can form and recovery can officially begin.

My heart is shattered and it will never be the same, but I am confident that it will heal. I will have a million scars where it’s broken, but those scars will be beautiful reminders of how Bella touched my life. She has forever changed me and I’m so blessed that I got to know heaven’s most beautiful angel. She was a gift sent here for me. She changed me. There is no going back to how things were before I met her. I would never want it to. But it’s time to plan my recovery so I can find my new normal.

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” – Anne Lamott

It’s time I learn how to dance again. #StayStrong

July 26, 2014

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I’m always the last one to bed and the first one up. My family have been staying close. Hudson and I are back to staying at my parents place since we got back from our trip, in the bed Bella was in when she left this world. It makes me feel closer to her. My sister came to spend the night with us again last night.

I am so fortunate to have such an amazing family. I used to think what we have is the norm but now I see that it’s actually very rare.

My parents are very loving and have always been supportive of me. My oldest sister, Lori, has always been my idol. She is 12 years older and was always more of a second mother to me than a sister. Dina, the middle sister, and I didn’t get along too well growing up but it was typical sibling rivalry. Her opinion of me has always mattered more than she knew. Things have changed as we have grown and we have a new level of closeness that only comes with maturity.

Lori’s daughter, Bailey, is 12 years younger than me and is more like a sister than a niece. She was my doula at Bella’s birth and she has been most helpful with the things that need to get done since Bella’s departure. The 3 of us and Hudson spent a few days together this past week and it was more like 4 sisters.

I always knew I was blessed to grow up with my grandparents living so close. My Granny lived in the downstairs apartment of my parents house (where I have now been for 7 years) and my Nonna and Nonno lived a few houses from us, where Nonna still is. Bella was so fortunate to have been so close to her Nonna Bis. They say each other every day and had such a special bond.

Granny and Nonno are now with Bella. When she has come through with messages, Bella mentions my Grampa the most, whom I sadly never had the opportunity to meet. It sounds like her and Grampa have a close relationship now and he was the one to carry her over to the other side, although my entire family was there to welcome her. He also helps her look pretty by putting bows in her hair, which it’s clear she is very proud of.

I don’t know where I would be right now without my family. They have been the ones keeping me strong, mostly because I see that they need me to be. I’m the glue right now and as long as I hold things together, we will be ok. When I had my breakdown, I saw what it did to them, so I have no choice but to #StayStrong for them.

Yesterday, I met with two professionals, one who is making sure I am well enough to care for my son, and one who is helping me cope. In discussion with them, I realized that as long as my family needs me to be strong, I don’t think I’ll be able to let go and allow myself to feel the pain of losing Bella. I think I need to get away from here, away from my family, away from the obligation to stay strong for everyone else so I can be a mess and not feel guilty for it or worry how my pain with affect anyone else. I realize that my strength is coming from them but it’s also preventing my ability to fully grieve. And that’s ok. When the time is right and they don’t need me to be so strong, then I will finally be able to let go.

“Family is not an important thing, it is everything!” – Unknown

July 25, 2014

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I lay here as I contemplate… Does it really matter what took my daughter from me? Knowing what happened won’t bring her back. I’m starting to think I would rather not know. How can all signs point towards this being her fate?

I saw a psychic who told me she never tells anyone this but it was Bella’s fate, she was meant to die. Brian (the medium) said that Bella already had a close call and she could have left us then. Bella was almost in a car accident and there is no way she would have survived. I thought she escaped death that day.

Brian also said this was Bella’s fate and had this incident that took her not have happened, there would have been another in a month or two. I also had another medium contact me with a message from Bella telling me that her contract on this earth was short and she chose me to be her mother because I’m an evolved soul and could handle her departure.

Then there was the voice I heard as I was on the floor performing CPR on my baby girl, the voice that told me that “it’s ok, it’s meant to be this way.” But how can it be a toddler’s fate to leave this world so soon?

I know this much: there is more to life than humans are able to comprehend, there are reasons why we choose to live, and life doesn’t end once our physical body dies. Death of the body is not death of the soul because they are separate. We are made of energy and energy doesn’t die. So where do we go when our body dies? Bella is still here with me and hasn’t left my side. She’s in another dimension so I can’t see her, but I can feel her constantly.

Brian said she’s very affectionate and is constantly giving me hugs and kisses, and I honestly feel them. They feel warm and tingly, and make me feel complete happiness and bring me comfort. I am torn between having a deeper understanding of life and death and wanting to grieve the loss of my baby girl.

“Understand that your soul is not bound by three-dimentional earthly existence.” – Unknown

#StayStrong

July 22, 2014

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Today was a better day. Bella has been sending me (as well as others) many signs that she’s still with us. Rainbows in living rooms, wind chimes when there is no wind, plants blossoming after years of no flowers, and a few lucky people have even been visited.

During my session with Brian (the medium), he mentioned marks on my skin that were only on one side of my body. These marks appeared on my skin the day after my “breakdown.” That was more than 3 weeks ago. They are definitely not bruises or rash of any sort, which is what I first assumed. Today I noticed that they are getting darker. I’ve been in the sun, so maybe as my skin is getting darker, the marks are darkening too. Something tells me that’s not it though.

According to Brian (from Bella), the marks are a result of the trauma I suffered and will eventually disappear. He said that she wanted me to know it was her. I’m unclear if he meant she caused the marks or if she was mentioning them as a way for me to know he was really communicating with her. There is no way Brian would have known about these marks.

Although she said they will eventually go away, I’m not sure I want them to as they remind me of her. Proof, in a way, that she’s still with me.

Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories of signs from Bella. Please keep them coming.

#StayStrong #ProjectLife #SignsFromAbove #AngelsAreReal

July 21, 2014

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I don’t want to move today. I’m laying by the pool at my sister’s house and all I can think about is grass. I want to go somewhere else to be by myself and lay in grass. Somewhere quiet. By myself.

It’s not a good day. I have anxiety and feel guilt. We had a fabulous day yesterday. We sat and talked about Bella and I felt normal, just for a little while. And I feel guilty today that I felt normal, even if it was just for a little while.

I’m back to feeling a numbing pain throughout my entire body. It envelops me and I want nothing more than to let it take me away. And the guilt has returned, but today it’s because I’m here visiting family yet I just want to be alone.

My grief comes in waves. I have good days and bad ones, but I’ve come to realize that I try to sort my emotions into boxes and leave it there until I have the time and ability to sort through the mess and feel the pain. I leave it for days I am alone.
I do this as an effort to be the best mother I can be to Hudson. But on days like this, I don’t want to open a box and sort through, I would rather jump into the box and hide there. It’s days like this that I feel I won’t come back from, but the wave will rise, then fall. And it will crash, but it’s those hard crashes I fear the most. So I don’t let the crash come. Instead, the wave will recede once more and I pick myself up, dry myself off, put the box back on the shelf and leave it there until I feel I have the time to sort through it.

I think my family worries because I refuse to deal with these feelings on the days I feel them. They tell me I need to verbalize my needs and allow myself to feel the pain when it comes. But it’s not convenient today. So I will repress it and save it for a better day. Maybe.

#StayStrong

July 20, 2014

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It is impossible to know for certain how much time you have on this planet. Some people I’ve talked to have told me they believe they will die young, whereas others have thought they would have died decades ago but are still here. I think Bella was aware of her limited time here and so she made the most of every second. We can all learn something from that.

No matter how much time you have, whether it’s months, years, or decades, it is but a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things. In our reality, no amount of time is ever enough, especially when it comes to the amount of time you have with your child. It defies natural order when a child dies before their parents. There are widows and orphans, but there is no word for someone who loses a child because it’s unthinkable. But I would rather have had the time I did with her and go through this unimaginable heart ache, because not knowing her would have been much worse.

Bella has taught me so much, and one of those things is how important it is to make the most of every moment you have. Life for us changed drastically a year ago when her father left, and things were very challenging even before that. But what I thought was “hell” ended up being a blessing in disguise. Bella helped me develop patience, taught me to survive with very little sleep, and showed me that despite what goes on, life doesn’t stop. No matter what you’re going through as a parent, your duties don’t stop. And now, I need to be strong so I can be a good mom to Hudson, because he deserves nothing less. And despite what we were going through a year ago, we still found a way to make happy memories every single day. Memories I don’t even remember yet because I still haven’t looked at the photos (which will be a part of #ProjectLife so many of my future posts will be my first time seeing these photos). When I look back on those dark days, I’ll see and remember only the happy moments.

I kept saying how life became so complicated when Bella was born. It’s amazing how quickly the “worst 19 months of my life” instantly became the BEST and most cherished time I ever could have hoped for. I had no control over what happened a year ago, just as I had no control over losing Bella. The only part of life you can control is your reaction to it. I choose to react with love. If I can have this attitude after losing my baby girl, I think anyone can do this.

“We’re all gonna die. We don’t get much say over how or when. But we do get to decide how we’re gonna live. So do it. Decide. Is this the life you wanna live? Is this the person you wanna love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More compassionate? Decide. Breathe in. Breathe out, and decide.” – Richard Webber – ‘Seal Our Fate’

And so we will continue to create those happy moments. And we will #StayStrong

July 14, 2014

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Today is another turning point as my sister and the kids are leaving. It’s been good for Hudson to have his cousins here. I’m not sure if the quiet will be good or not but I haven’t been home much and need to get things done. My fridge has never been so empty and Hudson only has a few pairs on underwear left in his drawer. I’ve been staying with my parents since the incident and it’s getting harder and harder to be at home, likely because reality is setting in. Last night I sat in my bedroom in the rocking chair I always sit in when I put Bella to sleep, and stared at her crib. It was the first time I’ve done that since and I could have stayed there for hours, just staring and remembering. I remembered how difficult it was every night to get her to sleep. How she would toss and turn and complain, then cry/scream if I left the room. Sleep was a huge challenge and I can’t help but feel guilty for wishing time away. I would say “I can’t wait for her to be easier to get to sleep” yet now she is sleeping permanently. Be careful what you wish for… I’d give anything to go back to those difficult nights. I’d even give anything to go back to her days of colic, and that was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through. What I wouldn’t give just to hear her cry.

#StayStrong

July 12, 2014

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It’s been 2 weeks already. I’m laying in bed beside my son enjoying the sound of him breathing. I have a stuffy nose and I’m wondering if my allergies are back. I’ve been symptom free since the incident. Can shock do that to you?

I dreamt of angels all night. Lots and lots of angels. A special friend told me I have many angels helping me through this, and last night I asked Bella to come to me in my dreams. Of course she’s an angel but confirmation is always nice.

The last 4 days have been busy but wonderful. It’s time for a quiet day. I received many books so a day of reading sounds pretty therapeutic. I’m craving books whereas a week ago I was craving time alone.

Yesterday was wonderful. Full of love, oils, angels and nature therapy. I feel grounded today. The day off to a wonderful start.

July 11, 2014

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People grieve in different ways. I choose to grieve by remembering my angel. Last night I started looking for all the pictures I took from the day I found out I was pregnant with Bella. I want to share the important moments as a way to document my journey, which has been life changing in so many ways. Bella didn’t just change me when she left, it’s been a 2 year transformation. I believe that everything happens for a reason and the many challenges I’ve faced over the last 2 years unfolded in the order they did as the strength I gained from one gave me the strength to endure the next. And so the healing process begins today by remembering. I want to thank you for sharing this journey with me. #StayStrong