pain

Shattered Once Again

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I reached into the bag and couldn’t believe what I felt. It was Bella’s foot, the mold they did at the funeral home. Well, it was a piece of it. One of many. Broken, just like my heart. Something else gone forever. Irreplaceable.

I looked in the bag a week ago and pulled some of Hudson’s artwork out. I assumed the rest was his belongings. In the days following, it went from the table to the chair, then the floor.

It’s no ones fault. Accidents happen. Maybe it was never meant to be mine. Maybe it’s a message from Bella, although I’m not certain what she could be telling me.

It was traumatic to see her smashed foot. It brought me back to the day she died. I was reliving the worst moment of my life once again. I was in shock! I couldn’t believe what I was looking at. Anger quickly flooded me and I sadly misdirected that anger. I’m sorry… I am angry and I have every reason to be. But there is no excuse to blame anyone for something that was no ones fault. It was an unfortunate accident. Nothing more.

The anger quickly turned to guilt as I realized what I had just done. I caused someone I love pain, and that’s not something to take lightly. But that was temporarily overshadowed by my grief. I wept. Then I felt pain take over my body an inch at a time until I no longer had control. A deep scream escaped my throat and as my entire body became tense, I fought to swallow the next scream as once they start coming, they are impossible to stop!

That swallow took my breath from me. The back of my throat closed and no matter how hard I tried, no air would come. Something was blocking my breath! I panicked and fought it with all my strength. I began to kick. Glass shattered as I began to flail.

I tried to tell him I couldn’t breathe but the words were lost. I stared into his eyes afraid for him to watch me die. Then I remembered the life growing inside of me. And I fought harder! It’s not my time! My baby needs me! Help me!!!

His calmness was artificial but his love is a powerful force. His energy surrounded me and I suddenly felt protected. I was able to take a breath.

His voice reassured me that I was alright. He told me to relax and breathe, and I obeyed. The second breath rushed into my lungs. As the third breath came, I felt my muscles begin to relax.

I was breathing heavy and my body was numb. I could feel my heartbeat radiate through every cell of my body. I laid on the bed immobile and confused. I had no idea what just happened to be. I was thankful to be alive.

I wept some more and released the fear. This was followed by anger and guilt. I took a deep breath and focused my attention on my body. I felt the life force within and inhaled appreciation.

Days later I still have difficulty understanding what happened and why. But the answer is simple. This is grief. It’s rips you apart, fills you with pain and literally takes your breath away. There is no way to predict when it will visit, how long it will stay or how much damage it will cause. But this is something every parent experiences when they lose a child. This is the price of love. This is the result of loss. It is trauma. It is debilitating. But for me, it is reality.

#StayStrong❤️

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In Magestic Maui

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In Majestic Maui, the broken Goddess stirs. A fire is burning from deep within. She feels an ocean wave wash over her like a blanket and as it recedes it takes with it an ounce of pain. The rhythm of the waves reminds her of a slowed heartbeat grasping on to life by a thread. Time stands still. She realizes all that she thought she knew was but a spec of dust floating in a sea of pink sparkles. When all you see is darkness, all else remains untouched to observation. As her eyes open, she understands in the depths of her soul that the sparkles were always at her side even though she couldn’t see them. The act of observing the sparkles doesn’t alter their existence but brings more life into them. This is love, and it causes them to move faster and faster. They begin to dance to the rhythm of the waves. The strength and speed of the waves increases and the heartbeat fills with life once more. The Goddess closes her eyes for a moment, inhales deeply and feels the vibration of the dance. When she opens them, something has changed. The sparkles are now moving so quickly, they are no longer separate. They are one. They are light, pure love. She sees the beautiful light on Majestic Maui and whispers with gratitude, “Thank you Bella.”❤️

Finally Breaking

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It’s time to break open. Little by little I feel myself crumble and I celebrate every piece that breaks off. I can feel, and as painful as that is, it’s wonderful to be able to feel.
Recovery means so many things, but what’s important is what it means to me at this very moment. I need goals and I need a plan on how I am going to achieve these goals. I also need the proper supports in place to be able to achieve them. It’s time to create a plan.
Sometimes the truth hurts and it can be very upsetting to hear what you don’t want to hear, but sometimes we need to hear the truth from another source before we can open our eyes to it. My truth is avoidance. I am avoiding healing. It’s too painful to break open, yet this needs to happen in order for healing to take place. People often suppress pain and take on the belief that time will heal their wounds. I don’t believe this is true at all! I believe that in order to heal, emotions need to be felt, then let go. Healing isn’t something that happens overnight. It’s a process, but that process must be experienced in order to make progress. When you suppress it, you are avoiding reality and ignoring the wounds. I believe that this results in much deeper scars.
Today I am making a promise to myself, and I’m going to track my progress here in order to ensure that I’m held accountable! My promise is to start doing the work and to stop avoiding the inevitable. Step one will be to set goals. Step 2 will be to create an action plan. I need to start preparing to go back to work and I’m avoiding this. The truth is I am not ready for this but if I don’t start doing the work, I’ll never be ready. It’s also possible that I will never be fully ready, and that’s okay too, but life has to continue. 
Yesterday was a groundbreaking day for me. I realized that it’s time to do the work. There is never a convenient time to fall apart, so today I’m going to take the box off the shelf, the one that holds all my pain, and I’m going to open it. Today I choose to feel pain. Let the healing begin! #StayStrong❤️
“Have the courage to shine your light into the darkest and deepest wounds of your soul. You are worthy of healing.” – Kate Spencer

July 14, 2014

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Today is another turning point as my sister and the kids are leaving. It’s been good for Hudson to have his cousins here. I’m not sure if the quiet will be good or not but I haven’t been home much and need to get things done. My fridge has never been so empty and Hudson only has a few pairs on underwear left in his drawer. I’ve been staying with my parents since the incident and it’s getting harder and harder to be at home, likely because reality is setting in. Last night I sat in my bedroom in the rocking chair I always sit in when I put Bella to sleep, and stared at her crib. It was the first time I’ve done that since and I could have stayed there for hours, just staring and remembering. I remembered how difficult it was every night to get her to sleep. How she would toss and turn and complain, then cry/scream if I left the room. Sleep was a huge challenge and I can’t help but feel guilty for wishing time away. I would say “I can’t wait for her to be easier to get to sleep” yet now she is sleeping permanently. Be careful what you wish for… I’d give anything to go back to those difficult nights. I’d even give anything to go back to her days of colic, and that was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through. What I wouldn’t give just to hear her cry.

#StayStrong

July 13, 2014

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Yesterday was a bad day. I stayed in bed most of the day and didn’t feel like moving. A lot of thoughts were running through my mind, mostly about how much I miss Bella and how torn up I am that Hudson lost his baby sister who he loves so much. I haven’t been missing her as much as you may expect because I have been feeling her presence and energy (which has been so strong), but yesterday I didn’t feel her the same way that I have been.

I finally found the photos I’ve been looking for to start Project Life, so that’s coming very soon. I also watched recent home movies of her. It’s starting to hit me that she’s gone. I’ve been too strong and need to be break, just a little bit. All that strength people are sending may be a little too effective so at this time I’ll ask you to stop, just long enough to let me feel the pain. It’s something I need right now. In order to help my heart heal, I’m going to need to feel the pain.

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” – Anne Lamott

#StayStrong