stay strong

July 21, 2014

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I don’t want to move today. I’m laying by the pool at my sister’s house and all I can think about is grass. I want to go somewhere else to be by myself and lay in grass. Somewhere quiet. By myself.

It’s not a good day. I have anxiety and feel guilt. We had a fabulous day yesterday. We sat and talked about Bella and I felt normal, just for a little while. And I feel guilty today that I felt normal, even if it was just for a little while.

I’m back to feeling a numbing pain throughout my entire body. It envelops me and I want nothing more than to let it take me away. And the guilt has returned, but today it’s because I’m here visiting family yet I just want to be alone.

My grief comes in waves. I have good days and bad ones, but I’ve come to realize that I try to sort my emotions into boxes and leave it there until I have the time and ability to sort through the mess and feel the pain. I leave it for days I am alone.
I do this as an effort to be the best mother I can be to Hudson. But on days like this, I don’t want to open a box and sort through, I would rather jump into the box and hide there. It’s days like this that I feel I won’t come back from, but the wave will rise, then fall. And it will crash, but it’s those hard crashes I fear the most. So I don’t let the crash come. Instead, the wave will recede once more and I pick myself up, dry myself off, put the box back on the shelf and leave it there until I feel I have the time to sort through it.

I think my family worries because I refuse to deal with these feelings on the days I feel them. They tell me I need to verbalize my needs and allow myself to feel the pain when it comes. But it’s not convenient today. So I will repress it and save it for a better day. Maybe.

#StayStrong

July 20, 2014

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It is impossible to know for certain how much time you have on this planet. Some people I’ve talked to have told me they believe they will die young, whereas others have thought they would have died decades ago but are still here. I think Bella was aware of her limited time here and so she made the most of every second. We can all learn something from that.

No matter how much time you have, whether it’s months, years, or decades, it is but a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things. In our reality, no amount of time is ever enough, especially when it comes to the amount of time you have with your child. It defies natural order when a child dies before their parents. There are widows and orphans, but there is no word for someone who loses a child because it’s unthinkable. But I would rather have had the time I did with her and go through this unimaginable heart ache, because not knowing her would have been much worse.

Bella has taught me so much, and one of those things is how important it is to make the most of every moment you have. Life for us changed drastically a year ago when her father left, and things were very challenging even before that. But what I thought was “hell” ended up being a blessing in disguise. Bella helped me develop patience, taught me to survive with very little sleep, and showed me that despite what goes on, life doesn’t stop. No matter what you’re going through as a parent, your duties don’t stop. And now, I need to be strong so I can be a good mom to Hudson, because he deserves nothing less. And despite what we were going through a year ago, we still found a way to make happy memories every single day. Memories I don’t even remember yet because I still haven’t looked at the photos (which will be a part of #ProjectLife so many of my future posts will be my first time seeing these photos). When I look back on those dark days, I’ll see and remember only the happy moments.

I kept saying how life became so complicated when Bella was born. It’s amazing how quickly the “worst 19 months of my life” instantly became the BEST and most cherished time I ever could have hoped for. I had no control over what happened a year ago, just as I had no control over losing Bella. The only part of life you can control is your reaction to it. I choose to react with love. If I can have this attitude after losing my baby girl, I think anyone can do this.

“We’re all gonna die. We don’t get much say over how or when. But we do get to decide how we’re gonna live. So do it. Decide. Is this the life you wanna live? Is this the person you wanna love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More compassionate? Decide. Breathe in. Breathe out, and decide.” – Richard Webber – ‘Seal Our Fate’

And so we will continue to create those happy moments. And we will #StayStrong

July 14, 2014

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Today is another turning point as my sister and the kids are leaving. It’s been good for Hudson to have his cousins here. I’m not sure if the quiet will be good or not but I haven’t been home much and need to get things done. My fridge has never been so empty and Hudson only has a few pairs on underwear left in his drawer. I’ve been staying with my parents since the incident and it’s getting harder and harder to be at home, likely because reality is setting in. Last night I sat in my bedroom in the rocking chair I always sit in when I put Bella to sleep, and stared at her crib. It was the first time I’ve done that since and I could have stayed there for hours, just staring and remembering. I remembered how difficult it was every night to get her to sleep. How she would toss and turn and complain, then cry/scream if I left the room. Sleep was a huge challenge and I can’t help but feel guilty for wishing time away. I would say “I can’t wait for her to be easier to get to sleep” yet now she is sleeping permanently. Be careful what you wish for… I’d give anything to go back to those difficult nights. I’d even give anything to go back to her days of colic, and that was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through. What I wouldn’t give just to hear her cry.

#StayStrong

July 13, 2014

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Yesterday was a bad day. I stayed in bed most of the day and didn’t feel like moving. A lot of thoughts were running through my mind, mostly about how much I miss Bella and how torn up I am that Hudson lost his baby sister who he loves so much. I haven’t been missing her as much as you may expect because I have been feeling her presence and energy (which has been so strong), but yesterday I didn’t feel her the same way that I have been.

I finally found the photos I’ve been looking for to start Project Life, so that’s coming very soon. I also watched recent home movies of her. It’s starting to hit me that she’s gone. I’ve been too strong and need to be break, just a little bit. All that strength people are sending may be a little too effective so at this time I’ll ask you to stop, just long enough to let me feel the pain. It’s something I need right now. In order to help my heart heal, I’m going to need to feel the pain.

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” – Anne Lamott

#StayStrong