stay strong

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Yesterday marked 2 months since Bella’s transition. It feels like an eternity has passed since I last hugged my sweet angel, yet it flew by so fast. It’s probably normal to feel that way after something so traumatic, when so much happens in such a short period of time. 
It still mostly feels like a bad dream, but now I have moments of reality that seep through this haze. The veil is starting to lift ever so slowly and as much I want to pull it back down, I’m letting it do what it needs to. I need to feel in order to heal.
I still lack motivation for anything physical, including cleaning. My kitchen is a disaster thanks to a bug infestation in my pantry. Just what I needed because I am not dealing with enough… And my “to do” list keeps growing by the hour. At this rate, I’ll never catch up. On the other hand, at least I will always have a distraction when I need it. Maybe that’s why the bugs came. Maybe Bella brought them here to distract me. Maybe I should have a talk with her about proper ways to get my attention!
Bella was at her daycare the other day. One of her friends saw her and pointed to her. She was playing in the sandbox, beside another one of her friends. I’m sure she’s there every day but confirmation is always nice.
Part of my healing process is to go through all the photos of Bella’s life. I started yesterday by going through and sharing photos of her birth. That day was such a gift. I was on a mission to experience my vision of “a perfect birth” and I succeeded. It was beautiful. I apologize if some people are offended by some of the photos I posted. I feel that something this beautiful needs to be shared. It’s about Bella, remembering and celebrating her life. I plan to share every moment of her life in order to give her memories life. The more people who share in these memories, the more people she touches and the stronger her memory becomes.
If anyone has any photos of Bella, could you please email them to me? Every single photo becomes even more precious when you know there will never be another opportunity to take more. Thank you so much❤️and please share! altcarter@hotmail.com


#StayStrong❤️ #KeepMemoriesAlive

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Waiting is torture. When you wait for something that you know could happen literally any second, life is on hold. You avoid making plans of any sort in order to remain available – just in case. But as Murphy’s law would have it, the ONE day I plan to go out of town, the ONE time I decide to do something for ME, that’s when it happens.
Friday morning started off pretty great. I woke up happy and excited. I had an appointment in Sudbury to see someone for Quantum Healing Hypnosis (past life regression) and was planning to meet up with a friend I haven’t seen in 2 years. I was looking forward to getting away for the day, just me and my music for hours. Therapy, followed by healing!
10 minutes after I left home, I happened to look down at my phone. I missed a call from “Unknown ID” and they left a message. Seconds later, it rang again. It was one of the police officers on Bella’s case. She was wondering if I could meet with her that morning, then we lost the connection and I had no cell service. 
I drove to Englehart and decided to turn right instead of left. When she called again, I told her I was on my way. No one knew where I was and I decided to go on my own. I’m not sure what I was thinking.
They had answers. Answers that only led to more questions. Answers that didn’t make any sense. In that instant, a piece of me that was hanging on for dear life finally broke off and shattered against the wall. 
I often wondered if knowing what happened to Bella would make things easier, and I’m still not convinced. I hope to speak with the coroner soon to ask him many questions. Although I hope to get some more answers, I have a strong feeling that much will remain a mystery. She didn’t have any symptoms. She seemed perfectly fine, other than a mild cold (like all kids in daycare) and not wanting to sleep (her whole life). She was happy, energetic and seemed quite healthy. How can something like this happen?


I needed to get away so I spent the rest of the day in Timmins with my girl brothers. Bella was with me on the drive home. I think she was trying to tell me that everything is going to be okay. She kept turning the ceiling light on in the car, then my satellite radio kept losing service (which was happening all afternoon) so I told her “Bella, if that’s you playing with the radio, please stop” and both stopped immediately. When I got home, the car light came on once again as I turned into the driveway. 
#StayStrong❤️

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Hudson woke up with a fever this morning. He didn’t want to lay in my bed with me but wanted to lay in Bella’s bed instead. He turned on her aquarium and soft music filled the room. He noticed a purple shirt under him and asked if it was Bella’s shit. I said “no, honey, that’s Mommy’s shirt.” He looked disappointed, then said “mommy, I want one of Bella’s shirts so I can hug it because I can’t hug Bella because she’s gone.” 💔 
I cried, and hugged Hudson. Then he asked “mommy, I made you sad?” and he had tears coming down his cheeks. This broke me even more. He truly thought that I was that upset because of him. I explained to him that I was sad because Bella was gone, hugged him, then went into Bella’s room.
I tried to find a shirt but there are so many bins piled on top of one another. The tears were streaming down my face and I felt as though I was suffocating. I tried to focus on finding a shirt but I couldn’t find any so I started taking bins down and finally found some of her pajamas. I took 2 pairs (one for him, one for me) and 2 of her toys (again, one for him and one for me), left the mess and hurried back to my boy.
He stayed in her bed for quite a while, and I laid in my bed and let myself feel. I cried and for once I didn’t hold back. 
I feel the walls starting to come down around me. I’m still fighting it but I’m definitely starting to feel the pain. It started last night. I walked into my room and went to give Buddy (my dog) a kiss goodnight and he was laying by Bella’s crib. I looked up and peered through the bars and could visualize her sleeping on her belly. Her hair was messy and slightly damp from sweat. Her back was slowly rising and falling. Then she was gone and I felt nothing but pain. I have a gaping wound where my heart used to be. 
Life is unfair. No one should ever have to feel pain this deep. 


#StayStrong❤️ #ImTiredOfBeingStrong💔

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It’s finally starting to sink in, but I’m fighting it with every ounce of strength I have in me. She’s not coming back. This is not a dream. I am wide awake. 
I’m exhausted. I sleep but it never seems to be enough. I’m emotionally drained, and this kind of tired is not easy to fix. 
My life is at a standstill but I want it this way. So much will be changing in the next coming weeks that I’m not ready for. Hudson will be back in school in 2 weeks. I have to think about going back to work. So many changes are happening all around me that I can’t even begin to describe.
The worst part of losing a child is the reality that life has to go on without her. It HAS to… But I don’t want it to. I want to freeze time because every moment that passes is a moment farther from the last time I saw her. But time goes by. Birthdays come and go and people get older. We experience new things, learn and grow. Family members leave home, get new jobs, start new lives. New people come into our lives, people Bella never met. How can these things still happen in a world without her? It still makes no sense to me. How can she not be here to experience these things with us?
We went to check out the new playground that’s being built down the street. It breaks me to know she will never get to enjoy it. We went to the old one we used to go to as a family, and all the memories tear me apart. It doesn’t matter where we go or what we do, everything reminds me of her. 
Memories are the most valuable thing any human can possess. I may be so blessed to have these priceless keepsakes, yet at the same time they cause so much pain. It’s bittersweet. But I can’t stop thinking about her. I wouldn’t want to no matter how much it hurts.
I continue to stand tall and strong. Patience is keeping me grounded. I wait by the phone, hoping it will ring at any moment. Patiently wait for answers that we may never receive. 
And so here I wait, broken, with my memories…

 

#StayStrong❤️ #BrokenMemories #IMissYou

August 6, 2014

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It’s amazing how much impact one book can have. When I spoke with Brian (the medium) he mentioned that I would be receiving a book as a gift and it would give me insight into heaven that would help me heal. I assumed the book I had received in the mail the day before was that book, but one of my best friends called me after listening to the recording of my session with Brian and said “Oh my God! I have the book!” And so I’m now 2/3 of the way through that book, and yes, dear friend, you were right. Thank you for this book! (I high recommend it and you can order it on amazon for a great price!)

We are a very spiritual family. We believe in God, heaven, fate, and that there is so much more to life than we can begin to imagine. We have been talking a lot about these things because it’s helping us cope with losing Bella, but we tend to talk about these things on a regular basis. Like I’ve said previously, I’ve been given these beliefs for a reason and they are helping me cope with the greatest loss anyone can ever experience.

We recently discussed miscarriage, stillbirth and abortion, and what happens to these souls. I never thought about a miscarriage being a death until a friend told me about her experience after her miscarriage that confirmed for me beyond any doubt that her fetus had a soul. I have never had an opinion on abortion other than knowing I would never have one under any circumstances, but it only makes sense that there is a soul occupying those tiny bodies too. (I am not saying any of this to offend anyone who has had an abortion and rest assured that those souls are well and have likely entered new bodies – you cannot harm a soul, and it may have very well been their life purpose for you to experience such a thing.)

As for religion, I was raises a catholic but rarely go to church. I have a difficult time listening about “sin” and how we are punished for doing anything against God’s will. I do believe religion has an important purpose, but it becomes a world-wide issue when humans kill because they believe their religion is the “right” one. “One God – many faiths” is a more accurate way to see it, and I hope one day the world can accept this.

This book has also helped me decide how I want to celebrate Bella’s birthday this year. Humanity is losing communal values which is creating barriers. I want to remind people that our souls are all connected in this world in hopes of breaking down some of these barriers. Small acts of kindness can make a huge impact in this world and don’t have to cost a cent. 5 or 10 minutes of your time can turn around someone’s entire day. So this year on November 14 I will be asking people to help me break down these barriers by doing something nice for someone else. I’ll be asking that people do this to honour Princess Isabella. Together, we can change the world.

Click HERE to purchase Theresa Caputo’s book.

#TheresaCaputo #LongIslandMedium #RandomActsOfKindness #StayStrong

July 31, 2014

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Yesterday was a busy one. My parents and my girl brothers (my sisters and niece) went to Timmins to get our Bella tattoos. I must have the most loving and supportive family in existence and I’m still blown away that both my parents now have tattoos.

After our new ink, we went out for lunch. I can’t remember the last time we were all in the same vehicle, let alone out at a restaurant together. It was a very special day.

We all spent the night at mom and dads again. I love our night time conversations and right now I’m waiting for everyone to wake up so we can have our coffee together. It makes me wonder how much different life could be if we went back to living together with extended family and could do this every day. Family is by far the most important thing in my life and I’m so grateful that I have the best of the best!

I’m going to be taking a break from posting for a while. There are things I need to focus on, so I’m going to take the time now to do that. When the time is right, I’ll be back. I’ll keep everyone posted on how I’m doing, but don’t expect to hear from me everyday… Just for now. In the mean time, know that I am surrounded by love and support.

#StayStrong

July 29, 2014

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Reality is now starting to sink in and my strength is bending ever so slightly. This is a positive thing as I am tired of not feeling the pain. Most people ask for drugs when coping with a tragedy yet I’m asking them to take me off the drugs and let me feel the pain. I’m ready for it. I’m strong enough now that I can handle it.

These last few days have been more difficult for me but I’m still not able to cry. I feel sad, but that’s as far as it goes. A huge part of me died and I’m frustrated that I can’t cry. As much as people say to give myself time, I believe how I am feeling is not part of the natural process. I feel that I am overmedicated because some people thought I tried to commit suicide, which couldn’t be farther from the truth. Not only do I want to live, I want to HEAL and I want to be HAPPY because that’s what Bella would want and it’s also what Hudson needs. In order to get there, I need to FEEL instead of keeping this band-aid on the wound. It’s time to rip that band-aid off and let myself bleed so that a scab can form and recovery can officially begin.

My heart is shattered and it will never be the same, but I am confident that it will heal. I will have a million scars where it’s broken, but those scars will be beautiful reminders of how Bella touched my life. She has forever changed me and I’m so blessed that I got to know heaven’s most beautiful angel. She was a gift sent here for me. She changed me. There is no going back to how things were before I met her. I would never want it to. But it’s time to plan my recovery so I can find my new normal.

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” – Anne Lamott

It’s time I learn how to dance again. #StayStrong

July 26, 2014

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I’m always the last one to bed and the first one up. My family have been staying close. Hudson and I are back to staying at my parents place since we got back from our trip, in the bed Bella was in when she left this world. It makes me feel closer to her. My sister came to spend the night with us again last night.

I am so fortunate to have such an amazing family. I used to think what we have is the norm but now I see that it’s actually very rare.

My parents are very loving and have always been supportive of me. My oldest sister, Lori, has always been my idol. She is 12 years older and was always more of a second mother to me than a sister. Dina, the middle sister, and I didn’t get along too well growing up but it was typical sibling rivalry. Her opinion of me has always mattered more than she knew. Things have changed as we have grown and we have a new level of closeness that only comes with maturity.

Lori’s daughter, Bailey, is 12 years younger than me and is more like a sister than a niece. She was my doula at Bella’s birth and she has been most helpful with the things that need to get done since Bella’s departure. The 3 of us and Hudson spent a few days together this past week and it was more like 4 sisters.

I always knew I was blessed to grow up with my grandparents living so close. My Granny lived in the downstairs apartment of my parents house (where I have now been for 7 years) and my Nonna and Nonno lived a few houses from us, where Nonna still is. Bella was so fortunate to have been so close to her Nonna Bis. They say each other every day and had such a special bond.

Granny and Nonno are now with Bella. When she has come through with messages, Bella mentions my Grampa the most, whom I sadly never had the opportunity to meet. It sounds like her and Grampa have a close relationship now and he was the one to carry her over to the other side, although my entire family was there to welcome her. He also helps her look pretty by putting bows in her hair, which it’s clear she is very proud of.

I don’t know where I would be right now without my family. They have been the ones keeping me strong, mostly because I see that they need me to be. I’m the glue right now and as long as I hold things together, we will be ok. When I had my breakdown, I saw what it did to them, so I have no choice but to #StayStrong for them.

Yesterday, I met with two professionals, one who is making sure I am well enough to care for my son, and one who is helping me cope. In discussion with them, I realized that as long as my family needs me to be strong, I don’t think I’ll be able to let go and allow myself to feel the pain of losing Bella. I think I need to get away from here, away from my family, away from the obligation to stay strong for everyone else so I can be a mess and not feel guilty for it or worry how my pain with affect anyone else. I realize that my strength is coming from them but it’s also preventing my ability to fully grieve. And that’s ok. When the time is right and they don’t need me to be so strong, then I will finally be able to let go.

“Family is not an important thing, it is everything!” – Unknown

July 25, 2014

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I lay here as I contemplate… Does it really matter what took my daughter from me? Knowing what happened won’t bring her back. I’m starting to think I would rather not know. How can all signs point towards this being her fate?

I saw a psychic who told me she never tells anyone this but it was Bella’s fate, she was meant to die. Brian (the medium) said that Bella already had a close call and she could have left us then. Bella was almost in a car accident and there is no way she would have survived. I thought she escaped death that day.

Brian also said this was Bella’s fate and had this incident that took her not have happened, there would have been another in a month or two. I also had another medium contact me with a message from Bella telling me that her contract on this earth was short and she chose me to be her mother because I’m an evolved soul and could handle her departure.

Then there was the voice I heard as I was on the floor performing CPR on my baby girl, the voice that told me that “it’s ok, it’s meant to be this way.” But how can it be a toddler’s fate to leave this world so soon?

I know this much: there is more to life than humans are able to comprehend, there are reasons why we choose to live, and life doesn’t end once our physical body dies. Death of the body is not death of the soul because they are separate. We are made of energy and energy doesn’t die. So where do we go when our body dies? Bella is still here with me and hasn’t left my side. She’s in another dimension so I can’t see her, but I can feel her constantly.

Brian said she’s very affectionate and is constantly giving me hugs and kisses, and I honestly feel them. They feel warm and tingly, and make me feel complete happiness and bring me comfort. I am torn between having a deeper understanding of life and death and wanting to grieve the loss of my baby girl.

“Understand that your soul is not bound by three-dimentional earthly existence.” – Unknown

#StayStrong

July 22, 2014

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Today was a better day. Bella has been sending me (as well as others) many signs that she’s still with us. Rainbows in living rooms, wind chimes when there is no wind, plants blossoming after years of no flowers, and a few lucky people have even been visited.

During my session with Brian (the medium), he mentioned marks on my skin that were only on one side of my body. These marks appeared on my skin the day after my “breakdown.” That was more than 3 weeks ago. They are definitely not bruises or rash of any sort, which is what I first assumed. Today I noticed that they are getting darker. I’ve been in the sun, so maybe as my skin is getting darker, the marks are darkening too. Something tells me that’s not it though.

According to Brian (from Bella), the marks are a result of the trauma I suffered and will eventually disappear. He said that she wanted me to know it was her. I’m unclear if he meant she caused the marks or if she was mentioning them as a way for me to know he was really communicating with her. There is no way Brian would have known about these marks.

Although she said they will eventually go away, I’m not sure I want them to as they remind me of her. Proof, in a way, that she’s still with me.

Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories of signs from Bella. Please keep them coming.

#StayStrong #ProjectLife #SignsFromAbove #AngelsAreReal