The last few days have been so up and down. There’s so much more that comes along with losing a child which most people wouldn’t think about. So much that still needs to be done that I can’t bring myself to do. Preparing to do these things brings so much sadness that I have to stop. Things like canceling her health card and sending her death certificate to wherever it needs to go. The mere sight of that paper yesterday was enough to send me into a whirlwind. 
Everything becomes difficult when you lose a child. Sometimes even your reflexes stop and reminders are needed to make sure you breathe. But the last few days have also been filled with excitement as I plan Bella’s birthday party. It seems strange that planning her birthday bash would bring me joy, but anything I can do for her fills me with love and happiness. She tells me she is happy I’m doing this for her and she’s excited about her party. Her doll always talks while I work on anything to do with her party.
I’ve continued to write every night, but the things I’ve been writing about are not things I can post. There is so much that is not known to others, and as open and honest as I am in my posts, honestly there are things that the public will never know about. This is for no other reason than respect for others and wanting to protect them. Sometimes our “story” is not ours to share. Someday I may share it, most likely in the books that Bella tells me I will be writing, but for now my life remains a complicated mess on the inside and is masked by the fact that I just lost my daughter. Reality is this mess existed long before she left. 
I wish more people would appreciate what they have. Even the bad times. Appreciate every moment because not everyone has those opportunities. Life was not easy before Bella transitioned, but nothing compares to this. I would give absolutely anything to be sleep deprived again. I want my chaotic life back! Parenting is hard work and some people aren’t fortunate enough to experience the difficulties that go hand in hand with the joys of parenting. Complaining about the challenges doesn’t help anyone.
I’m just as guilty as every other parent out there. I was a single parent of 2 kids for a year. 4 months of that year I was still on maternity leave, and then I became a full time working single mother of 2 with a side business. Busy is an understatement. Despite the challenges I faced, I made a point of capturing at least one “happy moment” every single day. When I look back at the pictures of my hectic life, I see only happy memories. These are the moments I will remember for eternity. 
Sometimes parents get overwhelmed. It happens to the best of us, and it’s ok to get frustrated. It’s how you handle those frustrations that matters. It’s about where you choose to focus your energy. To those parents who don’t get to see their kids every day, remember to make the most out of every moment you do have, and do your best to have as many moments as possible. That’s what counts! 
To all of the parents out there that are fortunate enough to have moments with your children, please embrace them all. The good, the bad and especially the ugly because these are the moments that allow us to grow. Remember that there are parents out there who would give their last breath for one more moment with their child. Love every moment and you will have no regrets because, as Bella keeps telling me, “Love is the answer.”


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