This morning I lay in bed thankful that Christmas is over. I wasn’t expecting it to be so difficult, but I should have known better. We had plans and I was excited about them. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out and it left me with 2 empty spaces in my heart where 2 rainbows should have been. 
We weren’t the only family who struggled this Christmas. It seems that many friends had their own struggles this year. 2014 has been a trying year for many. It’s almost over but I have mixed feelings about it coming to an end. In saying goodbye to the worst year of my life, I’m also saying goodbye to the year I created the happiest memories with my children. Another year is just more proof that you can’t stop time. 
I lost Bella 6 months ago tomorrow. It doesn’t hurt any less. Actually, I’m decreasing my medication and it hurts much more these days because I can actually feel the pain. I need this to happen if I want healing to occur. I need to feel the pain. I felt it strongly this Christmas and cried for hours, and was then exhausted from the emotional release. I felt guilty about it but this is progress and it’s what I needed to do. I’m tired of waiting for the right moment to break down.
I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who love and support me. My family means everything to me and they are here to hold me up when I struggle to breathe. I got through it though. It wasn’t easy, but I did it. Today I celebrate that! I survived the most difficult Christmas ever! 
Next Christmas will different. If you want things to be different, it’s up to you to do things differently. So right now we will plan and do what needs to be done in order to create a different kind of Christmas next year. At least I know that it will be better than the one we just had.


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