July 22, 2014

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Today was a better day. Bella has been sending me (as well as others) many signs that she’s still with us. Rainbows in living rooms, wind chimes when there is no wind, plants blossoming after years of no flowers, and a few lucky people have even been visited.

During my session with Brian (the medium), he mentioned marks on my skin that were only on one side of my body. These marks appeared on my skin the day after my “breakdown.” That was more than 3 weeks ago. They are definitely not bruises or rash of any sort, which is what I first assumed. Today I noticed that they are getting darker. I’ve been in the sun, so maybe as my skin is getting darker, the marks are darkening too. Something tells me that’s not it though.

According to Brian (from Bella), the marks are a result of the trauma I suffered and will eventually disappear. He said that she wanted me to know it was her. I’m unclear if he meant she caused the marks or if she was mentioning them as a way for me to know he was really communicating with her. There is no way Brian would have known about these marks.

Although she said they will eventually go away, I’m not sure I want them to as they remind me of her. Proof, in a way, that she’s still with me.

Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories of signs from Bella. Please keep them coming.

#StayStrong #ProjectLife #SignsFromAbove #AngelsAreReal

July 21, 2014

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I don’t want to move today. I’m laying by the pool at my sister’s house and all I can think about is grass. I want to go somewhere else to be by myself and lay in grass. Somewhere quiet. By myself.

It’s not a good day. I have anxiety and feel guilt. We had a fabulous day yesterday. We sat and talked about Bella and I felt normal, just for a little while. And I feel guilty today that I felt normal, even if it was just for a little while.

I’m back to feeling a numbing pain throughout my entire body. It envelops me and I want nothing more than to let it take me away. And the guilt has returned, but today it’s because I’m here visiting family yet I just want to be alone.

My grief comes in waves. I have good days and bad ones, but I’ve come to realize that I try to sort my emotions into boxes and leave it there until I have the time and ability to sort through the mess and feel the pain. I leave it for days I am alone.
I do this as an effort to be the best mother I can be to Hudson. But on days like this, I don’t want to open a box and sort through, I would rather jump into the box and hide there. It’s days like this that I feel I won’t come back from, but the wave will rise, then fall. And it will crash, but it’s those hard crashes I fear the most. So I don’t let the crash come. Instead, the wave will recede once more and I pick myself up, dry myself off, put the box back on the shelf and leave it there until I feel I have the time to sort through it.

I think my family worries because I refuse to deal with these feelings on the days I feel them. They tell me I need to verbalize my needs and allow myself to feel the pain when it comes. But it’s not convenient today. So I will repress it and save it for a better day. Maybe.

#StayStrong

July 20, 2014

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It is impossible to know for certain how much time you have on this planet. Some people I’ve talked to have told me they believe they will die young, whereas others have thought they would have died decades ago but are still here. I think Bella was aware of her limited time here and so she made the most of every second. We can all learn something from that.

No matter how much time you have, whether it’s months, years, or decades, it is but a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things. In our reality, no amount of time is ever enough, especially when it comes to the amount of time you have with your child. It defies natural order when a child dies before their parents. There are widows and orphans, but there is no word for someone who loses a child because it’s unthinkable. But I would rather have had the time I did with her and go through this unimaginable heart ache, because not knowing her would have been much worse.

Bella has taught me so much, and one of those things is how important it is to make the most of every moment you have. Life for us changed drastically a year ago when her father left, and things were very challenging even before that. But what I thought was “hell” ended up being a blessing in disguise. Bella helped me develop patience, taught me to survive with very little sleep, and showed me that despite what goes on, life doesn’t stop. No matter what you’re going through as a parent, your duties don’t stop. And now, I need to be strong so I can be a good mom to Hudson, because he deserves nothing less. And despite what we were going through a year ago, we still found a way to make happy memories every single day. Memories I don’t even remember yet because I still haven’t looked at the photos (which will be a part of #ProjectLife so many of my future posts will be my first time seeing these photos). When I look back on those dark days, I’ll see and remember only the happy moments.

I kept saying how life became so complicated when Bella was born. It’s amazing how quickly the “worst 19 months of my life” instantly became the BEST and most cherished time I ever could have hoped for. I had no control over what happened a year ago, just as I had no control over losing Bella. The only part of life you can control is your reaction to it. I choose to react with love. If I can have this attitude after losing my baby girl, I think anyone can do this.

“We’re all gonna die. We don’t get much say over how or when. But we do get to decide how we’re gonna live. So do it. Decide. Is this the life you wanna live? Is this the person you wanna love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More compassionate? Decide. Breathe in. Breathe out, and decide.” – Richard Webber – ‘Seal Our Fate’

And so we will continue to create those happy moments. And we will #StayStrong

July 19, 2014

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I didn’t have time to post yesterday because I was too busy spending time with 2 of my BFFs. I had a great day and ate some amazing food. I even laughed. Then I fell asleep with my little man and slept almost 11 hours. I guess I needed it.

I’ve been reluctant to go out in public, afraid of how people might react when they see me. I realize how uncomfortable someone might feel when they see me and are not sure what to say. I understand that it may be uncomfortable for others, but there is nothing worse than seeing someone you know avoid you because they aren’t sure what to say. I just want to reassure anyone who feels this way that you can’t say anything wrong, and I don’t expect words of any kind. But please, don’t ignore me. I must say that overall, people have been pretty amazing. I want to thank every single person who has seen me in public who has come up to me, even if it was just to give me a hug. Your kindness will never be forgotten.

I have absolutely no motivation to move today yet there is so much that needs to be done. Dishes, laundry, and I need to pack because we are going south for a few days. It will be good for me to be away from here but getting ready will be a challenge.

I have my session with the medium ready for me to listen to again. I look forward to sharing some of it with you all very soon. It had quite an impact on me and there is no doubt in my mind that I was speaking to my angel.

July 17, 2014

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Bella drew this at daycare weeks prior to her departure. She made the rainbow with a special crayon, which is incredible considering at 18 month old all she was capable of was scribbling. The scribble on the side looks like an angel.

Bella drew this at daycare weeks prior to her departure. She made the rainbow with a special crayon, which is incredible considering at 18 month old all she was capable of was scribbling. The scribble on the side looks like an angel.

There is so much more to life than humans can even begin to understand. What is the purpose of life? What happens when we die? Does heaven exist? Will we ever see our loved ones again? We have all thought about these questions and my recent experiences keep confirming my beliefs over and over.

Before I lay my beliefs out there, I’ll start off my saying this: people tend to judge what they don’t understand and criticize others when their beliefs differ. That being said, I expect criticism. Judge me all you want. It will not change a thing for me. Just do it with tact. I feel a need to share this so regardless of what comes from that, here it goes…

I believe the purpose of life is to experience. We all came here with a mission, a plan. My life has unfolded the way it has because it was necessary for me to experience these things in order
to get where I need to be. I have never felt self-pity despite all the challenges I’ve been faced with (literally one after another) because deep down I know that I chose this path. I came here to experience and I’m getting the biggest bang for my buck! Our souls choose to experience so we can evolve.

The morning Bella left, she kept whispering in my ear that “it will be okay. It’s meant to be this way.” I knew she was gone yet I kept pushing that whisper away, refusing to listen, but I know it was the truth. It was her fate to leave this world so she could fulfill her life purpose. I’ve had a strong sense that our life missions are intertwined. It’s my duty to help her fulfill hers.

Of course heaven exists. Bella isn’t dead, she just transitioned to another realm. She hasn’t gone anywhere, but she’s vibrating at a higher frequency and although I can’t see her, I can feel her energy. She’s never too far from me.

As for seeing her again, I already have. The day after she passed I almost died. People speak of a bright white light that appears when we die. I saw this light, and Bella was just beyond it, just out of my reach. As I kept trying to touch her, I was begging her to take me with her, but she told me (telepathically) that my mission is not complete and I have a lot more to accomplish in this life. She said that she is ok, and that Hudson needs me more than she does.

I am no longer afraid of dying. Death is not the end, it’s just the beginning. I spoke with a medium today and he confirmed much of what I just said. She’s still with me and very much alive. I’ll get into details later but here is a brief summary. She kisses me goodnight every night. She is in a beautiful place full of rainbows and she loves to smell flowers. The dark days are finally behind me and she will forever be my guide.

Confirmation this man I spoke with today was really communicating with Bella. He said there is a piece of her artwork I’ve been wanting to frame, and Bella told me to frame it. It’s truly the most precious thing she created. Anyone on my Facebook page knows how Bella has been making her presence known through rainbows. Here is that piece of artwork she made, just for me.

#StayStrong #ProjectLife

July 16, 2014

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I finally cried last night. Not a big cry, but a cry nonetheless. It was our first night at home (alone) since Bella left. We have been so busy that I haven’t had much one on one time with Hudson. I ordered some books for him and last night we finally read our first one, “When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death.” Explaining to a 5 year old that his sister is gone forever is hard enough, but for him to worry about other people he loves dying is more than I can handle. Death is unpredictable and it’s unfair to make promises you can’t keep. He told me he misses Bella so much and wants to go to heaven too. “One day, baby boy, when you’re an old old man.” …I hope, but no one ever really knows for sure.

We danced last night. Our first dance party without Bella. It just wasn’t the same. But life doesn’t stop, and she would want us to dance. I’m sure she was dancing with us, but probably doing a whole bunch of new moves only an angel could pull off.

No matter how much I want to curl up in a ball and disappear, I have a little boy who needs me. And I will make sure to keep making memories, no matter how hard I need to force myself. We never know how long we have together, but it’s not about how much time you have that matters. It’s about what you do with the time you have!

#StayStrong #ProjectLife

July 15, 2014

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I am lost for words today. I’m feeling tired and lacking energy. I’m sitting here curled up in my rainbow blanket wishing I could go back to 2 years ago and relive the roller coaster ride once more. It’s hard to believe that so much has happened in such a short period of time. I was out the night before Bella left and was telling people that the storm was finally over and how it was going to be nothing but happiness from now on. Then the next morning, the worst thing imaginable happened. I’m still in denial because life really can’t be this cruel. I feel like she’s visiting family and will be coming home any moment. I need to let go and allow myself to grieve. I need to cry. I need to feel the pain. So as I sit here, I hope that grief will come.

“The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.” – Stephen Colbert

July 14, 2014

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Today is another turning point as my sister and the kids are leaving. It’s been good for Hudson to have his cousins here. I’m not sure if the quiet will be good or not but I haven’t been home much and need to get things done. My fridge has never been so empty and Hudson only has a few pairs on underwear left in his drawer. I’ve been staying with my parents since the incident and it’s getting harder and harder to be at home, likely because reality is setting in. Last night I sat in my bedroom in the rocking chair I always sit in when I put Bella to sleep, and stared at her crib. It was the first time I’ve done that since and I could have stayed there for hours, just staring and remembering. I remembered how difficult it was every night to get her to sleep. How she would toss and turn and complain, then cry/scream if I left the room. Sleep was a huge challenge and I can’t help but feel guilty for wishing time away. I would say “I can’t wait for her to be easier to get to sleep” yet now she is sleeping permanently. Be careful what you wish for… I’d give anything to go back to those difficult nights. I’d even give anything to go back to her days of colic, and that was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through. What I wouldn’t give just to hear her cry.

#StayStrong

July 13, 2014

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Yesterday was a bad day. I stayed in bed most of the day and didn’t feel like moving. A lot of thoughts were running through my mind, mostly about how much I miss Bella and how torn up I am that Hudson lost his baby sister who he loves so much. I haven’t been missing her as much as you may expect because I have been feeling her presence and energy (which has been so strong), but yesterday I didn’t feel her the same way that I have been.

I finally found the photos I’ve been looking for to start Project Life, so that’s coming very soon. I also watched recent home movies of her. It’s starting to hit me that she’s gone. I’ve been too strong and need to be break, just a little bit. All that strength people are sending may be a little too effective so at this time I’ll ask you to stop, just long enough to let me feel the pain. It’s something I need right now. In order to help my heart heal, I’m going to need to feel the pain.

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” – Anne Lamott

#StayStrong

July 12, 2014

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It’s been 2 weeks already. I’m laying in bed beside my son enjoying the sound of him breathing. I have a stuffy nose and I’m wondering if my allergies are back. I’ve been symptom free since the incident. Can shock do that to you?

I dreamt of angels all night. Lots and lots of angels. A special friend told me I have many angels helping me through this, and last night I asked Bella to come to me in my dreams. Of course she’s an angel but confirmation is always nice.

The last 4 days have been busy but wonderful. It’s time for a quiet day. I received many books so a day of reading sounds pretty therapeutic. I’m craving books whereas a week ago I was craving time alone.

Yesterday was wonderful. Full of love, oils, angels and nature therapy. I feel grounded today. The day off to a wonderful start.