Struggles of a New Mother

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Long days suck. Especially after long nights. I’m exhausted and irritable. I’m emotional and frustrated. These days seem to drag on forever. I let her sleep in my arms because that’s where she’s happy, so that’s where she will stay. Judge me if you wish but it doesn’t change a thing. Some babies are fussier than others and sometimes we do what we need to in order to get by. Some days we have to look a little harder for the enjoyable moments. All you have to do is open your eyes a little bit wider and hopefully you will find a smile. I’m grateful for these difficult days because not every mother has the chance to hear her baby cry or be up with her child through the night. I love her so much and I’m thankful she is here. Not every day will be easy but she is definitely worth it!!!! ❤️

Darkness After The Rainbow

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At the follow-up visit, she asked me how I was coping with what happened as it was a rather traumatic experience. I replied, “it wasn’t ideal but Aria is fine and I’m still here. It could have been much worse. After what I’ve been through, everything else seems so small in comparison.” Child loss changes your perspective on everything.

The weeks before Aria’s birth, I was feeling pressure to make sure my family members could be with us when she was born. You can’t fully plan for events like this and we had a series of backup plans, but nothing worked out as we hoped. My middle sister was visiting for a week, but I was still pregnant when she left. My grandmother wanted to be there, which I was so excited about, but she decided not to come at the last minute (which I was very thankful for in hindsight). My oldest sister and my niece live close to us and were on their way to the hospital while I was in labour. Once labour started, things progressed very quickly. They walked in 4 minutes after Aria made her grand entrance. Thankfully I have Aria’s arrival on video and our entire family got to see our baby’s birth.

The water birth exceeded my expectations, although I was only in the pool for 8 minutes before Aria was born. The water didn’t make the contractions less painful but I was able to relax between them, which allowed me to be fully present. (I highly recommend a water birth!) Shortly after Aria was born, I was helped out of the pool onto the bed, the exact place where I gave birth to Bella. Suddenly, it seemed as though I was reliving the past.

My family stood off to the side, Aria in her daddy’s arms, and I knew by the looks on their faces that something was wrong. I’ve seen these looks before, right after Bella was born, but I knew it was worse this time. The bleeding started and my placenta wasn’t coming out. My mind began to get foggy and I don’t remember the details very well. I know there was a lot of blood. My placenta needed to come out before they could give me medication to stop the bleeding.

After many failed attempts to push the placenta out, our midwife realized it was stuck. A part of it would not detach from my uterus. I remember her talking about sedating me so she could manually extract it, or giving me medication for pain, but I didn’t want to be medicated. Our midwife decided to see what I could tolerate. She was inside of me up to her elbow and I have no idea how I managed to allow her to do that without being medicated, but she was able to pull the placenta out. Apparently I have an incredibly high pain tolerance.

Once the placenta was out, I was given a lot of medication to stop the bleeding, but I was scared when I kept feeling large gushes of blood pour out of me. My blood pressure dropped to 50/32 and I could feel myself fading; my sight was cloudy, the room was spinning and felt nauseous. I feared that if the cloud took over that I would die, so I fought hard to not float away. This was when I asked Bella for help. Our midwife kept working my uterus (with her hands over my abdomen) and finally the bleeding was slowing down. My blood pressure slowly started to rise. I was safe.

I was told that I shouldn’t have remained conscious when my blood pressure was so low. I was mentally prepared for the probability of needing a blood transfusion. I lost 2 litres of blood and the transfusion would help me recover faster. When my bloodwork came back the next day, my hemoglobin was incredibly only down to 88. I didn’t need the blood transfusion!

It took me a while to get back on my feet after Aria was born and I was on bed rest for 2 weeks. I also hemorrhaged after Bella was born, but it wasn’t nearly as severe. We had discussed the possibility of a hemorrhage when we reviewed my birth plan, but I never expected it to happen again. I am thankful we left for the hospital when we did. If it weren’t for the snow storm, I would have insisted on staying home longer. Chances are we would have left for the hospital when my sister and niece did as that was when my contractions were getting stronger and were real contractions (labour had started). I can’t help but wonder if we would have made it to the hospital on time.

A few weeks before Aria was born, I reminded myself that it doesn’t matter what our intentions are when the Universe has other plans. At times, we need to learn to let go and trust that everything happens for a reason and that all will work out the way it is meant to. Our ideal is rarely our reality and to accept this is to be resilient. I accept this experience as my reality. I choose to #StayStrong❤️

I would like to thank our incredible midwives for the level of care they provided. I felt safe in their care. They were quick and efficient and I couldn’t have been in better hands. Thank you!!!

final-15

A Needed Reminder

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I had an emotional moment in the store today. I haven’t heard from Bella in a while so this was very much appreciated as it was a reminder that she is always with me even when the signs are not so obvious. A few weeks before Aria was born, I found a gift certificate a friend had given Bella when she was born. I thought I had used it years ago. The store has since changed owners but I brought it in anyway and the owner signed it and said she would accept it. I decided that since it was Bella’s money, she would want to buy her baby sister something special with it. I went back to the store today feeling that the right gift would be there for Aria. It was hiding behind a picture frame and I almost didn’t see it (like Bella would let that happen). I knew right away it was exactly what Bella would have chosen.

To Aria, From Bella with Love

Because Aria is my little piece of heaven on earth.

❤️

Birth of a Rainbow Princess

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The birthing process is truly miraculous. It’s empowering to bring life into the world; many women feel that after they give birth, they are capable of doing anything! Birth is beautiful and is an experience meant to be treasured.

I was fortunate to have three incredible and unique birthing experiences. After Bella’s “perfect birth,” my hopes for Aria’s birth were pretty high. I was prepared for the unexpected but hoped for the best. My wishes were to have a natural water birth, for my family to be present, for Aria’s daddy to “catch” her, and to have photos of her grand entrance. Realistically, I was just hoping we would make it to the hospital (which is over an hour away from our home). My previous labours were 3 hours with Hudson and 2 hours with Bella, and we were anticipating the possibility that this time may be even quicker.

We weren’t expecting to make it to my due date, but at 3 days overdue, I was beyond ready to meet our rainbow princess! I knew labour was approaching but I was hoping to remain at home until the following morning. Plans changed once my water broke since a snow storm was on the way and we really didn’t want to have this baby in the car. We decided to leave for the hospital and wait things out there. Road closures and terrible driving conditions proved we made the right decision; it was one long drive.

We arrived close to midnight, settled in and tried to get some rest. I couldn’t sleep as my contractions were getting stronger. I wasn’t in active labour yet but I woke Tom up because I didn’t want to be alone. I knew that things would likely progress very quickly. I wasn’t sure when to call my midwife or tell my family to make their way, still hoping baby would wait until morning. My contractions quickly went from 8 minutes apart to 4 minutes, and I could feel baby moving down inside of me. Just after 3:00 am, my sister and niece decided to leave (they were also over an hour away) and I called our midwife to come. I sent a text to my mom at 3:19 am that read “I think I might be in labour.” My contractions suddenly went from 4 minutes to 2 minutes apart and it wasn’t long before I was no longer able to track them. I could feel my bones in my pelvis cracking and moving apart. Baby was coming and it was happening fast! I was relieved that everyone was on their way.

Our midwife arrived 30 minutes later; she could see that I was in active labour and she worked quickly to get the pool set up. Tom was filling it with water by 4:00 am. Because I hemorrhaged after Bella’s delivery, we decided that I would have an IV lock put in incase there were any complications, which was done while the pool was filling.

At 4:10 am, I got in the pool. I was fully dilated and was told I could start pushing right away. Baby was coming but I wasn’t ready because my family still hadn’t arrived. I tried to hold baby in and kept asking Tom where they were but they weren’t responding to his messages. I couldn’t wait any longer and told Tom to “grab the good camera and record it.”

He was figuring out how to record video with my camera, something he had never done, when Aria came. At 4:18 am, in one big push, Aria came flying out of me! It shocked us all as it was so quick and unexpected. Thankfully, Tom was taking a “test” video and successfully recorded it.

Our midwife caught Aria and she began crying. She was passed to me immediately and as soon as I held her, time stood still. “She’s so beautiful!” I fell in love instantly. Our rainbow is here, finally! And she is absolutely perfect!

❤️

Goodbye Buddy

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Grief is a universal experience and is something we must encounter numerous times in our life. Saying goodbye to someone you love is never easy. 
Buddy wasn’t just a dog. He has been my sidekick since I graduated from University; my one constant. Him and I have been through a lot together as so much has happened in 12 years… 
Numerous moves, jobs, and relationships (although he only had one daddy). He was waiting at home when all three of my babies came home from the hospital. He was beside me when I met the love of my life and was with us when his daddy proposed to me. He was at our side when Bella passed. He was Bella’s dog too, and she loved him so much! Saying goodbye to him is like saying goodbye to another piece of her, which adds to the pain.
Our pets become such an important part of our lives. We love them unconditionally and the bond is everlasting. It’s impossible to understand the importance a pet has in a family unit unless you’ve been blessed with this type of love. The separation is comparable to that of a family member. Our pets are our babies too and I have always considered Buddy my first born son. I can’t say this compares to losing Bella. But it hurts. A lot. 
It is painful to watch a loved one deteriorate. You feel helpless but do what you can to keep them comfortable. The last month of Buddy’s life was our time to spoil him rotten, even more so than before. Knowing what was approaching allowed me to appreciate him more than I ever had. I take comfort in knowing we did all we could for him and that he knew nothing but love. I also take comfort in knowing he didn’t suffer for long. We really did the best we could for our little Buddy. The look on his face when we said goodbye attested to that. He passed showing us love and gratitude. This was such a gift!
Grief has returned as we adjust to life once more. But it is comforting to know that Bella has her puppy back. 

Random Acts of Kindness

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A few days before Aria’s birth, I was out for lunch with some friends when a kind woman who was sitting alone asked me if I knew what I was having. When I told her I was expecting a baby girl, her eyes lit up and she asked me if she could be my baby’s Easter Bunny. We started talking and found out we have a lot in common, including that we are both angel mommies. I don’t believe in coincidences and am grateful to have met this kind soul. Her and her husband came by today and totally spoiled my baby girl. Everything is brand new and was in need of a good home. Although they would not accept anything in return, the happiness and love on their faces said it all. I will be paying it forward! ❤️

6 Days Old

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Baby Aria is anything but ordinary. She is only 6 days old but seems much older than this. There’s something “different” about her. She’s way too aware of her surroundings and you can see that there’s a lot going on in her mind. She’s so interesting to watch and I’m intrigued by her. Yesterday, she was moving her wrist in front of her face and you could see her make the connection that she was moving her own wrist. Newborns don’t smile real smiles but she reacts to your voice with a loving gaze and a smile. She has a calming energy and her presence is soothing. She is pure love. She’s beyond anything I ever imagined! 💕
Click HERE to view the video.

The Calm of Grief: A Moment of Gratitude 

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Grief is a continual process. The roller coaster is not one you can disembark. It’s a ride you must learn to adjust to. There are always unexpected turns, bumps that will jolt you, and quick drops that will push your stomach into your throat. There will also be calm moments that allow you to enjoy the scenery, but as any bereaved parent knows, these calm moments are temporary breaks between the chaos and grief inevitably reappears often crashing into you knocking you off your feet.
This is a moment of calm. This is my time to enjoy the blessings in life. 
I am so blessed by this new life I brought into the world. Her scent is sweet and her energy is pure. Aria is a melody of love but her song is not one without pain. Reminders of what is missing will appear every day for the rest of my life. It is this pain, however, that reminds me to be present. It has brought a natural desire to be all I can for this little life that is entirely dependent on me. I am determined to be nothing less.
Her sister shines through her more than I expected. Bella’s presence is strong but has shifted from what it was. I can’t yet describe this shift but it feels different somehow. Memories are painful right now and as much as I fight to remember, I understand the importance of continuing to experience this grief. It is healthy and a fundamental part of the healing process.
Aria can’t take away my pain, but her love fills me up. Our family is complete and I feel as whole as I ever will. Now I force myself to remember through these tears. 
I came across this video today which I had completely forgotten about. A quick snapshot at our happy life. Memories to cherish for all of eternity. A piece of what is missing.
Someday it will be my job to teach Aria all about her big sister. It starts here.
#StayStrong❤️
Click HERE to view the video.

Introducing Our Rainbow🌈

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Our Rainbow Has Arrived!🌈Introducing Aria Isabella Armstrong 

Born March 25 at 4:21 am 

7 lbs 15 oz, 21″ long

She came during a snow storm and made a quick grand entrance that took us all by surprise. Our hearts are so full of love! ❤️ Baby Aria is doing well but I’m struggling with some complications and am on bed rest. I was planning a more heartfelt post than this to make the announcement but I don’t have the energy for it just yet and wanted to let the world know she arrived. It’s time to take care of me now but I’ll share more when I am able to.

I Remember…

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As I lay here, tears roll down my cheeks. I can’t help but think of Bella tonight. My heart aches for her. I remember being 40 weeks pregnant with Bella and feeling exhausted and uncomfortable. I feel that way again, but this time I have the memories of what it was like the last time and can’t help but remember. It is so incredibly painful…
Laying in bed with Hudson tonight, he asked when Baby Carl was going to come. I told him I wasn’t sure, but hope she decides to come soon. We talked about what she will be like. He said he hopes she doesn’t like to eat peanuts and peanut butter. I told him she will only drink milk for the first 6 months. He asked about introducing foods to her and wondered how we got Bella to eat all that. I reminded him how much Bella loved food. She was so easy to feed, not like Hudson was. Then he said he was a bad boy… I said to him “No, hunny, you were a good boy. You have always been a very good boy!” These conversations are so precious.
She would be three years old. I would have bought her a doll, a baby of her own to take care of. She would love to rub and kiss my belly just as much as her brother does. She would love talking to her baby sister and would be so anxious to meet her!
Bella is here with us but I am not able to share this human experience with her. I hold on to to all that I do have and we continue to talk about her every single day. She will always be an important part of our family.
Hudson is very excited to be a big brother again. He has never stopped being one and I remind him of this. He told me he would be very sad is Baby Carl died too. I told him that wasn’t going to happen, then I hugged him and cried. I felt like I was lying to him because now I understand that anything can happen at any time without warning. A six year old shouldn’t have to worry about these things. But he does. And I will always be here to comfort him. I know Bella is comforting him too. 
As we wait for our family to become complete, I hold Bella in my heart and thank her for choosing me to be her mommy. I ask her to let her baby sister know we are ready to meet her. I thank her for continuing to let her light shine on us. 
As I wait, I remind myself to cherish every moment because we don’t get these moments back! 
I close my eyes. As the tears roll down my face, I take a deep breath and fill myself with gratitude.