Child Loss

It Comes… And It Goes… And The Circle Of Grief Continues

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All is calm. Happiness fills my heart and gratitude radiates from within. The first few months with our rainbow baby were a bit challenging, but not for the reasons I had anticipated. I expected it to be much more difficult emotionally and was concerned about my ability to bond with Aria. I am relived that my concerns were not validated.

Aria is much like her angel sister and was very fussy when she first entered this world. This was quickly followed by difficulties with sleep, which are ongoing. Bella had severe colic and I was unable to figure out what caused her to scream for 9+ hours every day for the first three and a half months. Her entire life, she was a very restless sleeper, didn’t like to nap, and the only place she would sleep was in my arms. I often feel as though I am reliving life with Bella all over again.

I vowed to enjoy every moment with Aria, even the not-so-pleasant times. It’s very difficult to enjoy the moments of screaming. The expectations I set resulted in too much pressure which left me disappointed in myself. I collapsed with guilt and battled through grief to discover these expectations were suffocating me. I was preventing my own happiness. I had to experience a severe wave of grief in order to understand my emotions, which took a lot of effort and energy. I am thankful that I have the ability to see things for what they are when I take a step back. I am also grateful for my amazing fiancée who remains at my side holding my hand at all times. He has been incredibly supportive and understands me even when I don’t understand myself.

I have accepted that I won’t enjoy every moment with Aria. I now see that you can be grateful for a moment even when you don’t enjoy it. This is where I am today. I am thankful for Aria and appreciate her, but I am not loving this sleep deprived state that has become my norm. I also didn’t enjoy trying to soothe a screaming baby for the majority of the day for the first few weeks of her life. And I accept with how I feel about it because it’s real!

Lessons from Bella continue to positively affect me. I am a better person because of her, and a better mother. I am much more calm and patient with Aria than I was with my other children, which is partly because I am more centred and grounded, but also because of the appreciation I have for Aria. She fills my broken heart with pure love and joy!
Life isn’t always about enjoyment. Sometimes it’s about survival. And that’s okay!
❤️

It’s been 2 years. 24 months. 104 weeks…

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It feels like a lifetime has passed since I’ve seen my baby girl. Yet, at the same time, it’s hard to believe that 2 years have passed. My life has changed so much since I last saw her. That mother who held her baby girl on the last day of her son’s first year of school would not recognize this grieving mother typing these words. We are the same body, same DNA, but most other things have changed.
The last 2 years has taught me some tough lessons. I already knew that nothing was more important than family. I now know just how much my family means to me, how much we mean to each other. We were there to hold each other up when the world collapsed at our feet. That love we feel for one another is pure and selfless. During the last 24 months, we have put each other ahead of ourselves. We take turns seeing the light and holding it in front of the others when their eyes are closed. We go so far as to breathe for each other when it’s too painful to live.

I wouldn’t still be alive today if it weren’t for my family. I know that even though we will each take our turn to transition to the spirit world, our bond will be everlasting. I understand that our time together during this life is limited. This thought makes me cry every time I think about it, but the tears are reminders to make the most of the time we have together as we can’t predict how long we have! Age is not a predictor… And surviving one tragedy doesn’t grant you immunity from another…

May our family continue to hold each other up in the decades to come. May we continue to love and respect one another and thrive on this unconditional love. May we be each others’ strength and remind one another when it matters most that we will always be here for each other. Things aren’t always perfect, but love always wins! May we #StayStrong❤️

Bella’s second Angelversary was spent with a few family members. We had a quiet lunch and held the space for one another. The family who could not be here in person were with us in spirit. I am grateful that when I need them most, I can always count on my family!

Grace is Everywhere!

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It wasn’t until after the sudden loss of my daughter, Bella, that I was able to see that grace surrounds me. It exists everywhere; you just have to look for it! To me, “grace” is a divine gift that touches your soul; these gifts come in many forms. The most obvious form grace has shown up in my life since Bella’s transition has been signs from heaven. These signs have been a comfort to me as I grieve. They have taught me that my daughter is still with me even if I can’t see or touch her. Bella has brought me many blessings including an incredible man who I look forward to marrying, an amazing trip to Maui, and a beautiful rainbow baby. I share the most incredible sign from Bella in the book 365 Moments of Grace.

The Ultrasound Miracle: Hello, Bella!

My daughter, Bella, was only 19 months old when she passed away unexpectedly. It wasn’t long after her transition to the spirit world that she began sending me signs that she was still with me. 

I began finding rocks in strange places, such as under furniture and inside of toys. Rainbows began appearing frequently, often in places with no explanation. Electronic devices would start up and Bella’s toys would turn on, sometimes when the batteries were dead. Her favourite doll was motion activated and would talk when no one was in the room. This was her way of letting me know she was still with me, and I continue to be comforted by her presence.

Last July, I discovered I was pregnant. I was very anxious about the pregnancy and fearful of how I would react to a new baby. I felt a strong need to know the baby’s gender to help me prepare emotionally. I felt Bella’s presence during our ultrasound and knew she was with us. When the ultrasound technician told us we were having a girl, tears of joy began to flow uncontrollably. 

Shortly after we left the hospital, a rainbow appeared in the sky – confirmation that Bella was with us.

I had posted a few ultrasound photos on Facebook, and a few weeks later, a friend told me to turn one of the photos sideways and look behind the baby’s head. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I looked and saw there was a face behind the baby. But what I saw was not just any face; it was Bella’s face! I layered a photo of Bella taken a month before she passed and placed it over the ultrasound. It was a match! Bella’s eyes, nose, and lips matched up perfectly. Even wisps of her hair are visible in the ultrasound photo!

I have experienced many miracles since my daughter’s transition, but I have never seen anything so incredible. I know Bella is with her baby sister, and that helps fill my broken heart with love.

❤️

365 Moments of Grace is a book of true-life stories of grace, miracles, and transformations from beautiful souls all around the world. This soulful collection contains one grace-filled story for each day of the year from over 250 authors, including Kristine Carlson, Arielle Ford, Christine Arylo…and me! 🙂 This book is sure to inspire, uplift, and remind you of just how magical our world is and how connected we truly are. It makes a great gift for friends, family, and other loved ones…including yourself! You can learn more about the book HERE. You can also read what my co-author, Karla Joy Huber wrote about the book HERE.

Plus, if you order now, you’ll receive lots of soulful bonus gifts – all created by the contributing authors – including guided meditations, ebooks, ecourses, and much more! Click HERE and enter your order number to get your free gifts (available until August 31).

Tomorrow will mark the second anniversary of Bella’s transition. Part of her message to me was that love heals and I am asking for help tomorrow to help spread LOVE in the form of Random Acts of Kindness in honour of Bella. The free gift I contributed to 365 Moments of Grace are Bella Angel Cards, which can be printed HERE.

Please consider printing and using these cards. I love hearing about how people are using their cards and hope to hear from you. Love heals, and together we can make the world a better place.

#StayStrong❤️
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Signs From Bella

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A rainbow appeared today during our BBQ and Silent Auction fundraiser for Bella’s memorial. It was so bright, it was reflecting off the water.  Signs don’t come as often these days but they always come at the perfect time. We knew she was with us.❤️🌈👼🏼

Unexpected Reminders

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I guess it happens when you least expect it. And it’s going to happen. Many times… It’s not something I ever thought about. But the first time it happens is a moment you don’t forget.
We were at Hudson’s school last night for an “Art Gala” fundraiser. There was an impressive display of the students’ art which parents could purchase, and they had numerous activities for the kids. Hudson was fishing for ducks when all of a sudden, a women called her name. 
“Bella!”
A name I haven’t heard in that tone for almost 2 years. It sounded so beautiful coming off her lips yet managed to cut my soul, reminding me of what is missing. I had to take a deep breath and shake myself. She wasn’t talking to my daughter. My Bella is not the only Bella that exists. Moments like this will happen again.
I’m surprised it took this long… 
I can’t believe it’s been almost 2 years. It feels like I haven’t seen her in forever but at the same time I can’t believe almost two entire years have passed. 
Bella would be starting school in September. She would have been at the Art Gala with us and we would have been telling her all about her new school. Hudson would have taken her by the hand and showed her around proudly, helping her feel comfortable. Bella would have been excited about it! I envision Hudson walking down the hallway holding her hand, but all I can see is a silhouette with pigtails bouncing happily beside him.
It’s the little reminders that cause the cracks to open once again.
❤️

This is Something!

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I managed to capture a very special moment tonight and as I watched it over and over, I realized that this needs to be shared. My Nonna (Nonna Bis to my kids) had a very special bond with Bella that is rare. She saw Bella every single day and was as broken as I was when she left the physical world. That spark that lit up whenever she saw Bella went up in smoke almost 2 years ago and Nonna hasn’t been the same since. None of us have been the same, but it was magnified for Nonna. I thought I would never see that spark again. Aria has been a fussy baby but has made many changes this past week and tonight Nonna was finally able to hold her without her fussing. Aria was very happy to see her Nonna Bis, and Nonna’s reaction is priceless. Her spark is back!!! Tonight I am grateful to have witnessed this and I am sharing this to provide hope to others coping with loss. That hole in your heart will never fully heal but it doesn’t mean the light won’t find a way in. There are better days ahead.

Click HERE to view the video.

A Moment Forgotten

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I have mastered putting grief in a box and leaving it on the shelf. Time has taught me that dust never settles on this box as the lid opens itself at unexpected times and let’s bits of grief escape. It’s when these broken pieces begin to show up unannounced that I realize my priorities need to shift. Grief won’t subside until you give it the attention it demands. It never fully leaves as it resides within you, but over time the pressure builds and it’s important to relieve it before the pressure is too great. 
Tonight, I made grief my priority. In doing this, I realized my pain is much more complex this time. Postpartum hormones are still in effect, but having another daughter to love and care for creates complexity I was unable to prepare for yet fully expected. My emotions aside, caring for a new baby changes everything in your life and you are no longer a priority! 
This video was shared with my today and it reminded me to make myself a priority for a short while. When our cup is empty, we have nothing left to give others, but my cup was full of grief. It will take time to empty this cup of the darkness before I can fill it with light, but the process has begun.
. . .
She eases her broken self gently into the calm water. The wave surrounds her and caresses her as she falls apart. The memories that were forgotten create a new pain reminding her what is lost. A precious life that cannot be regained. Moments that can’t be relived, because once a moment is gone, you can’t get it back… She envisions the past and anger surfaces. She feels angry that she had to learn such tough life lessons. Her past traumas erased by the greatest trauma any mother could face. She misses her child and aches to reunite with her. The thoughts flow through her as tears fall, every tear shedding pain. She gracefully hugs herself as she opens her eyes. She looks down at her arm and reminds herself to #StayStrong❤
Click HERE to view Video.

Mother’s Day Love

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Sometimes challenging times offer welcome distractions. It doesn’t change anything but rather postpones the inevitability of grief. You have to feel pain in order to get past it, but my pain remains ignored once again as I focus on my health and the wellbeing of my baby girl. Sickness has taken over but we are finally overcoming it.
Today is Mother’s Day, which I have been dreading all week. The pain of child loss is present ever day of the year, but Mother’s Day adds salt to the wound. Today, the constant reminder is before my eyes that Bella isn’t here with me. I am a mother of 3 but will only see two of my babies today. I’m aching inside.
But I need to stay focused on the blessings I have, the memories I cherish, and the people who are beside me. Today I will fight to suppress my grief in order to enjoy my other two babies, my amazing man, my mother and my Nonna. Today I will #StayStrong❤️
I’m thinking of all Angel Moms today and sending love to all of you. We come in different forms, none any more or less significant than the rest. No matter how old your child was when they passed, whether they lived outside of your womb, or if you’re mourning the child you were unable to create, today is your day too. Please take some time for YOU today in honour of our children who are with us in a different form. XO

Hello Grief

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It doesn’t happen overnight. It creeps up slowly and then at your weakest moment it grabs a hold of you and rips your breath out of your lungs leaving you empty. 
The monster enjoys watching me struggle. I’m sleep deprived. My mind is foggy and I struggle to put my thoughts into words. I try to explain how I feel but I can’t make sense of it. How can I expect others to understand when I don’t understand it myself?
The monster leaves me feeling alone and isolated. It blocks reality and my perception becomes one of abandon. I’m standing in the middle of the road naked during a thunderstorm with nothing to protect me. No one knows that I’m breaking again. I hide behind my strength so well that even my best friend doesn’t see behind this mask. 
My raw soul bleeds once more as I fight to run away from the monster within. I call it by name but by the time I become aware of its presence, it’s too late to hide. It’s back and it hits me full force. Yet by now I know all too well that the only way to get it to leave is to feel it.
Hello grief. We meet again…

Struggles of a New Mother

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Long days suck. Especially after long nights. I’m exhausted and irritable. I’m emotional and frustrated. These days seem to drag on forever. I let her sleep in my arms because that’s where she’s happy, so that’s where she will stay. Judge me if you wish but it doesn’t change a thing. Some babies are fussier than others and sometimes we do what we need to in order to get by. Some days we have to look a little harder for the enjoyable moments. All you have to do is open your eyes a little bit wider and hopefully you will find a smile. I’m grateful for these difficult days because not every mother has the chance to hear her baby cry or be up with her child through the night. I love her so much and I’m thankful she is here. Not every day will be easy but she is definitely worth it!!!! ❤️