Grief

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Yesterday marked 2 months since Bella’s transition. It feels like an eternity has passed since I last hugged my sweet angel, yet it flew by so fast. It’s probably normal to feel that way after something so traumatic, when so much happens in such a short period of time. 
It still mostly feels like a bad dream, but now I have moments of reality that seep through this haze. The veil is starting to lift ever so slowly and as much I want to pull it back down, I’m letting it do what it needs to. I need to feel in order to heal.
I still lack motivation for anything physical, including cleaning. My kitchen is a disaster thanks to a bug infestation in my pantry. Just what I needed because I am not dealing with enough… And my “to do” list keeps growing by the hour. At this rate, I’ll never catch up. On the other hand, at least I will always have a distraction when I need it. Maybe that’s why the bugs came. Maybe Bella brought them here to distract me. Maybe I should have a talk with her about proper ways to get my attention!
Bella was at her daycare the other day. One of her friends saw her and pointed to her. She was playing in the sandbox, beside another one of her friends. I’m sure she’s there every day but confirmation is always nice.
Part of my healing process is to go through all the photos of Bella’s life. I started yesterday by going through and sharing photos of her birth. That day was such a gift. I was on a mission to experience my vision of “a perfect birth” and I succeeded. It was beautiful. I apologize if some people are offended by some of the photos I posted. I feel that something this beautiful needs to be shared. It’s about Bella, remembering and celebrating her life. I plan to share every moment of her life in order to give her memories life. The more people who share in these memories, the more people she touches and the stronger her memory becomes.
If anyone has any photos of Bella, could you please email them to me? Every single photo becomes even more precious when you know there will never be another opportunity to take more. Thank you so much❤️and please share! altcarter@hotmail.com


#StayStrong❤️ #KeepMemoriesAlive

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Waiting is torture. When you wait for something that you know could happen literally any second, life is on hold. You avoid making plans of any sort in order to remain available – just in case. But as Murphy’s law would have it, the ONE day I plan to go out of town, the ONE time I decide to do something for ME, that’s when it happens.
Friday morning started off pretty great. I woke up happy and excited. I had an appointment in Sudbury to see someone for Quantum Healing Hypnosis (past life regression) and was planning to meet up with a friend I haven’t seen in 2 years. I was looking forward to getting away for the day, just me and my music for hours. Therapy, followed by healing!
10 minutes after I left home, I happened to look down at my phone. I missed a call from “Unknown ID” and they left a message. Seconds later, it rang again. It was one of the police officers on Bella’s case. She was wondering if I could meet with her that morning, then we lost the connection and I had no cell service. 
I drove to Englehart and decided to turn right instead of left. When she called again, I told her I was on my way. No one knew where I was and I decided to go on my own. I’m not sure what I was thinking.
They had answers. Answers that only led to more questions. Answers that didn’t make any sense. In that instant, a piece of me that was hanging on for dear life finally broke off and shattered against the wall. 
I often wondered if knowing what happened to Bella would make things easier, and I’m still not convinced. I hope to speak with the coroner soon to ask him many questions. Although I hope to get some more answers, I have a strong feeling that much will remain a mystery. She didn’t have any symptoms. She seemed perfectly fine, other than a mild cold (like all kids in daycare) and not wanting to sleep (her whole life). She was happy, energetic and seemed quite healthy. How can something like this happen?


I needed to get away so I spent the rest of the day in Timmins with my girl brothers. Bella was with me on the drive home. I think she was trying to tell me that everything is going to be okay. She kept turning the ceiling light on in the car, then my satellite radio kept losing service (which was happening all afternoon) so I told her “Bella, if that’s you playing with the radio, please stop” and both stopped immediately. When I got home, the car light came on once again as I turned into the driveway. 
#StayStrong❤️

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Hudson woke up with a fever this morning. He didn’t want to lay in my bed with me but wanted to lay in Bella’s bed instead. He turned on her aquarium and soft music filled the room. He noticed a purple shirt under him and asked if it was Bella’s shit. I said “no, honey, that’s Mommy’s shirt.” He looked disappointed, then said “mommy, I want one of Bella’s shirts so I can hug it because I can’t hug Bella because she’s gone.” 💔 
I cried, and hugged Hudson. Then he asked “mommy, I made you sad?” and he had tears coming down his cheeks. This broke me even more. He truly thought that I was that upset because of him. I explained to him that I was sad because Bella was gone, hugged him, then went into Bella’s room.
I tried to find a shirt but there are so many bins piled on top of one another. The tears were streaming down my face and I felt as though I was suffocating. I tried to focus on finding a shirt but I couldn’t find any so I started taking bins down and finally found some of her pajamas. I took 2 pairs (one for him, one for me) and 2 of her toys (again, one for him and one for me), left the mess and hurried back to my boy.
He stayed in her bed for quite a while, and I laid in my bed and let myself feel. I cried and for once I didn’t hold back. 
I feel the walls starting to come down around me. I’m still fighting it but I’m definitely starting to feel the pain. It started last night. I walked into my room and went to give Buddy (my dog) a kiss goodnight and he was laying by Bella’s crib. I looked up and peered through the bars and could visualize her sleeping on her belly. Her hair was messy and slightly damp from sweat. Her back was slowly rising and falling. Then she was gone and I felt nothing but pain. I have a gaping wound where my heart used to be. 
Life is unfair. No one should ever have to feel pain this deep. 


#StayStrong❤️ #ImTiredOfBeingStrong💔

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It’s finally starting to sink in, but I’m fighting it with every ounce of strength I have in me. She’s not coming back. This is not a dream. I am wide awake. 
I’m exhausted. I sleep but it never seems to be enough. I’m emotionally drained, and this kind of tired is not easy to fix. 
My life is at a standstill but I want it this way. So much will be changing in the next coming weeks that I’m not ready for. Hudson will be back in school in 2 weeks. I have to think about going back to work. So many changes are happening all around me that I can’t even begin to describe.
The worst part of losing a child is the reality that life has to go on without her. It HAS to… But I don’t want it to. I want to freeze time because every moment that passes is a moment farther from the last time I saw her. But time goes by. Birthdays come and go and people get older. We experience new things, learn and grow. Family members leave home, get new jobs, start new lives. New people come into our lives, people Bella never met. How can these things still happen in a world without her? It still makes no sense to me. How can she not be here to experience these things with us?
We went to check out the new playground that’s being built down the street. It breaks me to know she will never get to enjoy it. We went to the old one we used to go to as a family, and all the memories tear me apart. It doesn’t matter where we go or what we do, everything reminds me of her. 
Memories are the most valuable thing any human can possess. I may be so blessed to have these priceless keepsakes, yet at the same time they cause so much pain. It’s bittersweet. But I can’t stop thinking about her. I wouldn’t want to no matter how much it hurts.
I continue to stand tall and strong. Patience is keeping me grounded. I wait by the phone, hoping it will ring at any moment. Patiently wait for answers that we may never receive. 
And so here I wait, broken, with my memories…

 

#StayStrong❤️ #BrokenMemories #IMissYou

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I miss being the first one up. It’s when I felt most inspired to write and it’s the only time the words flow out effortlessly. I also miss staying up late to read after everyone goes to bed. I miss my family all being here. Life has to go on for all of us, but I’m just not ready.
It feels as though time is standing still for me as I watch everyone around me live their lives. New babies, new jobs, new apartments in new cities, new opportunities for new lives. I am stagnant yet everyone around me is moving on. I wouldn’t want it any other way. My time will come too but that time is not now.
For me it’s been new ways of communicating with my daughter, new ways she makes her presence known, new books to help me get through this difficult transition and a new me that is the result of all these things. 
For me it’s still about being strong for my family while we wait for answers.
For me is coping with all the change, and that unfortunately means less of many things. Less people around, less commotion, less hugs, less chaos. Oh how I miss the chaos. 
I miss my grandmother visiting us every day. I miss waking up with 2 kids cuddling in my bed. I miss my good morning “I won’t ever let you go” hugs. I miss Barney and Elmo. I miss watching Hudson and Bella play, laugh and be silly. I miss seeing Hudson be the best, most loving big brother in the world. I miss not being able to take my eyes off her for a second because she was fearless and a safety hazard. I miss trying to get things done and her being at my feet complaining that I wasn’t giving her attention. I miss the sleepless nights and the frustration of getting Bella to bed every single night of her short life. I even miss the days of colic!
I would go back to the most difficult days of my life because I would give anything to see my baby girl again. She has pushed me (over and over) to limits I never knew existed. I learned so much from her in such a short time. 
Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. Being a single parent is even harder, and then multiply that by 2! Everyone has bad days, and it’s ok to occasionally vent about it, but just remember that there are people out there who would give anything to have those bad days once again💔. In an instant, all my frustration suddenly became a permanent hole, a wound so great that nothing can ever make it better. 
Those difficult days are a blessing. 
“Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.” -Marilyn Monroe
Here is a peek at one of our many challenging days, but I still managed to find the happy moments❤️


#StayStrong❤️ #Appreciation #DifficultDays #FindTheHappy

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It’s 3am and I lie awake in bed alone wishing I could go back to the days that I wondered when I would sleep again. It’s one thing to experience difficulties in life and wish time away. It’s another to willingly give absolutely anything to go back to those difficult days. 
I feel guilty that I wished time away. I couldn’t wait until things got a little bit easier. I couldn’t wait for Bella to sleep at night, in her own bed, in her own bedroom. And here I am, awake and alone, wishing I could roll over and touch her soft hair and listen to her heart beating. 
Be careful what you wish for because it just might come true. You don’t get moments back. Even the difficult times have some positive in them. Back when I forgot what sleep was, I was thankful Bella was no longer screaming all day (colic taught me a lot) and grateful that she was happy. Even after 4 hours of sleep (max)

I still woke up every morning singing silly songs to the kids because it put us in a good mood and was a great way to start the day.
Right now, despite the unbearable pain I feel every moment, I still manage to find the happy moments every single day. I don’t wake up singing anymore (not yet, anyway) but we manage to have fun. We make time every day for cuddles, laughs, and take frequent selfies. It’s so important to pay attention to those little things, because they add up fast, and together they are pretty powerful!


#ProjectLife #HappyMoments #Selfie #StayStrong❤️

August 6, 2014

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It’s amazing how much impact one book can have. When I spoke with Brian (the medium) he mentioned that I would be receiving a book as a gift and it would give me insight into heaven that would help me heal. I assumed the book I had received in the mail the day before was that book, but one of my best friends called me after listening to the recording of my session with Brian and said “Oh my God! I have the book!” And so I’m now 2/3 of the way through that book, and yes, dear friend, you were right. Thank you for this book! (I high recommend it and you can order it on amazon for a great price!)

We are a very spiritual family. We believe in God, heaven, fate, and that there is so much more to life than we can begin to imagine. We have been talking a lot about these things because it’s helping us cope with losing Bella, but we tend to talk about these things on a regular basis. Like I’ve said previously, I’ve been given these beliefs for a reason and they are helping me cope with the greatest loss anyone can ever experience.

We recently discussed miscarriage, stillbirth and abortion, and what happens to these souls. I never thought about a miscarriage being a death until a friend told me about her experience after her miscarriage that confirmed for me beyond any doubt that her fetus had a soul. I have never had an opinion on abortion other than knowing I would never have one under any circumstances, but it only makes sense that there is a soul occupying those tiny bodies too. (I am not saying any of this to offend anyone who has had an abortion and rest assured that those souls are well and have likely entered new bodies – you cannot harm a soul, and it may have very well been their life purpose for you to experience such a thing.)

As for religion, I was raises a catholic but rarely go to church. I have a difficult time listening about “sin” and how we are punished for doing anything against God’s will. I do believe religion has an important purpose, but it becomes a world-wide issue when humans kill because they believe their religion is the “right” one. “One God – many faiths” is a more accurate way to see it, and I hope one day the world can accept this.

This book has also helped me decide how I want to celebrate Bella’s birthday this year. Humanity is losing communal values which is creating barriers. I want to remind people that our souls are all connected in this world in hopes of breaking down some of these barriers. Small acts of kindness can make a huge impact in this world and don’t have to cost a cent. 5 or 10 minutes of your time can turn around someone’s entire day. So this year on November 14 I will be asking people to help me break down these barriers by doing something nice for someone else. I’ll be asking that people do this to honour Princess Isabella. Together, we can change the world.

Click HERE to purchase Theresa Caputo’s book.

#TheresaCaputo #LongIslandMedium #RandomActsOfKindness #StayStrong

July 26, 2014

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I’m always the last one to bed and the first one up. My family have been staying close. Hudson and I are back to staying at my parents place since we got back from our trip, in the bed Bella was in when she left this world. It makes me feel closer to her. My sister came to spend the night with us again last night.

I am so fortunate to have such an amazing family. I used to think what we have is the norm but now I see that it’s actually very rare.

My parents are very loving and have always been supportive of me. My oldest sister, Lori, has always been my idol. She is 12 years older and was always more of a second mother to me than a sister. Dina, the middle sister, and I didn’t get along too well growing up but it was typical sibling rivalry. Her opinion of me has always mattered more than she knew. Things have changed as we have grown and we have a new level of closeness that only comes with maturity.

Lori’s daughter, Bailey, is 12 years younger than me and is more like a sister than a niece. She was my doula at Bella’s birth and she has been most helpful with the things that need to get done since Bella’s departure. The 3 of us and Hudson spent a few days together this past week and it was more like 4 sisters.

I always knew I was blessed to grow up with my grandparents living so close. My Granny lived in the downstairs apartment of my parents house (where I have now been for 7 years) and my Nonna and Nonno lived a few houses from us, where Nonna still is. Bella was so fortunate to have been so close to her Nonna Bis. They say each other every day and had such a special bond.

Granny and Nonno are now with Bella. When she has come through with messages, Bella mentions my Grampa the most, whom I sadly never had the opportunity to meet. It sounds like her and Grampa have a close relationship now and he was the one to carry her over to the other side, although my entire family was there to welcome her. He also helps her look pretty by putting bows in her hair, which it’s clear she is very proud of.

I don’t know where I would be right now without my family. They have been the ones keeping me strong, mostly because I see that they need me to be. I’m the glue right now and as long as I hold things together, we will be ok. When I had my breakdown, I saw what it did to them, so I have no choice but to #StayStrong for them.

Yesterday, I met with two professionals, one who is making sure I am well enough to care for my son, and one who is helping me cope. In discussion with them, I realized that as long as my family needs me to be strong, I don’t think I’ll be able to let go and allow myself to feel the pain of losing Bella. I think I need to get away from here, away from my family, away from the obligation to stay strong for everyone else so I can be a mess and not feel guilty for it or worry how my pain with affect anyone else. I realize that my strength is coming from them but it’s also preventing my ability to fully grieve. And that’s ok. When the time is right and they don’t need me to be so strong, then I will finally be able to let go.

“Family is not an important thing, it is everything!” – Unknown

July 25, 2014

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I lay here as I contemplate… Does it really matter what took my daughter from me? Knowing what happened won’t bring her back. I’m starting to think I would rather not know. How can all signs point towards this being her fate?

I saw a psychic who told me she never tells anyone this but it was Bella’s fate, she was meant to die. Brian (the medium) said that Bella already had a close call and she could have left us then. Bella was almost in a car accident and there is no way she would have survived. I thought she escaped death that day.

Brian also said this was Bella’s fate and had this incident that took her not have happened, there would have been another in a month or two. I also had another medium contact me with a message from Bella telling me that her contract on this earth was short and she chose me to be her mother because I’m an evolved soul and could handle her departure.

Then there was the voice I heard as I was on the floor performing CPR on my baby girl, the voice that told me that “it’s ok, it’s meant to be this way.” But how can it be a toddler’s fate to leave this world so soon?

I know this much: there is more to life than humans are able to comprehend, there are reasons why we choose to live, and life doesn’t end once our physical body dies. Death of the body is not death of the soul because they are separate. We are made of energy and energy doesn’t die. So where do we go when our body dies? Bella is still here with me and hasn’t left my side. She’s in another dimension so I can’t see her, but I can feel her constantly.

Brian said she’s very affectionate and is constantly giving me hugs and kisses, and I honestly feel them. They feel warm and tingly, and make me feel complete happiness and bring me comfort. I am torn between having a deeper understanding of life and death and wanting to grieve the loss of my baby girl.

“Understand that your soul is not bound by three-dimentional earthly existence.” – Unknown

#StayStrong

July 20, 2014

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It is impossible to know for certain how much time you have on this planet. Some people I’ve talked to have told me they believe they will die young, whereas others have thought they would have died decades ago but are still here. I think Bella was aware of her limited time here and so she made the most of every second. We can all learn something from that.

No matter how much time you have, whether it’s months, years, or decades, it is but a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things. In our reality, no amount of time is ever enough, especially when it comes to the amount of time you have with your child. It defies natural order when a child dies before their parents. There are widows and orphans, but there is no word for someone who loses a child because it’s unthinkable. But I would rather have had the time I did with her and go through this unimaginable heart ache, because not knowing her would have been much worse.

Bella has taught me so much, and one of those things is how important it is to make the most of every moment you have. Life for us changed drastically a year ago when her father left, and things were very challenging even before that. But what I thought was “hell” ended up being a blessing in disguise. Bella helped me develop patience, taught me to survive with very little sleep, and showed me that despite what goes on, life doesn’t stop. No matter what you’re going through as a parent, your duties don’t stop. And now, I need to be strong so I can be a good mom to Hudson, because he deserves nothing less. And despite what we were going through a year ago, we still found a way to make happy memories every single day. Memories I don’t even remember yet because I still haven’t looked at the photos (which will be a part of #ProjectLife so many of my future posts will be my first time seeing these photos). When I look back on those dark days, I’ll see and remember only the happy moments.

I kept saying how life became so complicated when Bella was born. It’s amazing how quickly the “worst 19 months of my life” instantly became the BEST and most cherished time I ever could have hoped for. I had no control over what happened a year ago, just as I had no control over losing Bella. The only part of life you can control is your reaction to it. I choose to react with love. If I can have this attitude after losing my baby girl, I think anyone can do this.

“We’re all gonna die. We don’t get much say over how or when. But we do get to decide how we’re gonna live. So do it. Decide. Is this the life you wanna live? Is this the person you wanna love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More compassionate? Decide. Breathe in. Breathe out, and decide.” – Richard Webber – ‘Seal Our Fate’

And so we will continue to create those happy moments. And we will #StayStrong