healing

Rainbows From Heaven

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I have spent the last 2 days looking at photos of Bella’s first 4 months and finally started uploading them to online storage. It has taken me over two years just to be able to look at them. I experienced a lot of technical difficulties, which has been rather frustrating and I thought it may be a sign that it wasn’t the time to do this, but I persisted and finally succeeded. I also spent some time today working on my chapter for a special book (my next project, stay tuned for more details). While working on the chapter, I was reminded that Bella will always show her presence when I need it most. I had a feeling I would see a rainbow today. Photos can’t fully capture how incredibly beautiful this was. Thank you, Bella!👼🏼❤️

#StayStrong❤️

It Comes… And It Goes… And The Circle Of Grief Continues

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All is calm. Happiness fills my heart and gratitude radiates from within. The first few months with our rainbow baby were a bit challenging, but not for the reasons I had anticipated. I expected it to be much more difficult emotionally and was concerned about my ability to bond with Aria. I am relived that my concerns were not validated.

Aria is much like her angel sister and was very fussy when she first entered this world. This was quickly followed by difficulties with sleep, which are ongoing. Bella had severe colic and I was unable to figure out what caused her to scream for 9+ hours every day for the first three and a half months. Her entire life, she was a very restless sleeper, didn’t like to nap, and the only place she would sleep was in my arms. I often feel as though I am reliving life with Bella all over again.

I vowed to enjoy every moment with Aria, even the not-so-pleasant times. It’s very difficult to enjoy the moments of screaming. The expectations I set resulted in too much pressure which left me disappointed in myself. I collapsed with guilt and battled through grief to discover these expectations were suffocating me. I was preventing my own happiness. I had to experience a severe wave of grief in order to understand my emotions, which took a lot of effort and energy. I am thankful that I have the ability to see things for what they are when I take a step back. I am also grateful for my amazing fiancée who remains at my side holding my hand at all times. He has been incredibly supportive and understands me even when I don’t understand myself.

I have accepted that I won’t enjoy every moment with Aria. I now see that you can be grateful for a moment even when you don’t enjoy it. This is where I am today. I am thankful for Aria and appreciate her, but I am not loving this sleep deprived state that has become my norm. I also didn’t enjoy trying to soothe a screaming baby for the majority of the day for the first few weeks of her life. And I accept with how I feel about it because it’s real!

Lessons from Bella continue to positively affect me. I am a better person because of her, and a better mother. I am much more calm and patient with Aria than I was with my other children, which is partly because I am more centred and grounded, but also because of the appreciation I have for Aria. She fills my broken heart with pure love and joy!
Life isn’t always about enjoyment. Sometimes it’s about survival. And that’s okay!
❤️

It’s been 2 years. 24 months. 104 weeks…

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It feels like a lifetime has passed since I’ve seen my baby girl. Yet, at the same time, it’s hard to believe that 2 years have passed. My life has changed so much since I last saw her. That mother who held her baby girl on the last day of her son’s first year of school would not recognize this grieving mother typing these words. We are the same body, same DNA, but most other things have changed.
The last 2 years has taught me some tough lessons. I already knew that nothing was more important than family. I now know just how much my family means to me, how much we mean to each other. We were there to hold each other up when the world collapsed at our feet. That love we feel for one another is pure and selfless. During the last 24 months, we have put each other ahead of ourselves. We take turns seeing the light and holding it in front of the others when their eyes are closed. We go so far as to breathe for each other when it’s too painful to live.

I wouldn’t still be alive today if it weren’t for my family. I know that even though we will each take our turn to transition to the spirit world, our bond will be everlasting. I understand that our time together during this life is limited. This thought makes me cry every time I think about it, but the tears are reminders to make the most of the time we have together as we can’t predict how long we have! Age is not a predictor… And surviving one tragedy doesn’t grant you immunity from another…

May our family continue to hold each other up in the decades to come. May we continue to love and respect one another and thrive on this unconditional love. May we be each others’ strength and remind one another when it matters most that we will always be here for each other. Things aren’t always perfect, but love always wins! May we #StayStrong❤️

Bella’s second Angelversary was spent with a few family members. We had a quiet lunch and held the space for one another. The family who could not be here in person were with us in spirit. I am grateful that when I need them most, I can always count on my family!

Grace is Everywhere!

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It wasn’t until after the sudden loss of my daughter, Bella, that I was able to see that grace surrounds me. It exists everywhere; you just have to look for it! To me, “grace” is a divine gift that touches your soul; these gifts come in many forms. The most obvious form grace has shown up in my life since Bella’s transition has been signs from heaven. These signs have been a comfort to me as I grieve. They have taught me that my daughter is still with me even if I can’t see or touch her. Bella has brought me many blessings including an incredible man who I look forward to marrying, an amazing trip to Maui, and a beautiful rainbow baby. I share the most incredible sign from Bella in the book 365 Moments of Grace.

The Ultrasound Miracle: Hello, Bella!

My daughter, Bella, was only 19 months old when she passed away unexpectedly. It wasn’t long after her transition to the spirit world that she began sending me signs that she was still with me. 

I began finding rocks in strange places, such as under furniture and inside of toys. Rainbows began appearing frequently, often in places with no explanation. Electronic devices would start up and Bella’s toys would turn on, sometimes when the batteries were dead. Her favourite doll was motion activated and would talk when no one was in the room. This was her way of letting me know she was still with me, and I continue to be comforted by her presence.

Last July, I discovered I was pregnant. I was very anxious about the pregnancy and fearful of how I would react to a new baby. I felt a strong need to know the baby’s gender to help me prepare emotionally. I felt Bella’s presence during our ultrasound and knew she was with us. When the ultrasound technician told us we were having a girl, tears of joy began to flow uncontrollably. 

Shortly after we left the hospital, a rainbow appeared in the sky – confirmation that Bella was with us.

I had posted a few ultrasound photos on Facebook, and a few weeks later, a friend told me to turn one of the photos sideways and look behind the baby’s head. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I looked and saw there was a face behind the baby. But what I saw was not just any face; it was Bella’s face! I layered a photo of Bella taken a month before she passed and placed it over the ultrasound. It was a match! Bella’s eyes, nose, and lips matched up perfectly. Even wisps of her hair are visible in the ultrasound photo!

I have experienced many miracles since my daughter’s transition, but I have never seen anything so incredible. I know Bella is with her baby sister, and that helps fill my broken heart with love.

❤️

365 Moments of Grace is a book of true-life stories of grace, miracles, and transformations from beautiful souls all around the world. This soulful collection contains one grace-filled story for each day of the year from over 250 authors, including Kristine Carlson, Arielle Ford, Christine Arylo…and me! 🙂 This book is sure to inspire, uplift, and remind you of just how magical our world is and how connected we truly are. It makes a great gift for friends, family, and other loved ones…including yourself! You can learn more about the book HERE. You can also read what my co-author, Karla Joy Huber wrote about the book HERE.

Plus, if you order now, you’ll receive lots of soulful bonus gifts – all created by the contributing authors – including guided meditations, ebooks, ecourses, and much more! Click HERE and enter your order number to get your free gifts (available until August 31).

Tomorrow will mark the second anniversary of Bella’s transition. Part of her message to me was that love heals and I am asking for help tomorrow to help spread LOVE in the form of Random Acts of Kindness in honour of Bella. The free gift I contributed to 365 Moments of Grace are Bella Angel Cards, which can be printed HERE.

Please consider printing and using these cards. I love hearing about how people are using their cards and hope to hear from you. Love heals, and together we can make the world a better place.

#StayStrong❤️
Stay Strong Project Life is on Facebook
Follow Angie Carter  on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram (@altcarter).

Lessons in Grief

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The lessons we learn often mean more to us when we reflect on them after a period of time has passed. I may not have have the time to sit with my thoughts as often as I would like, but each time I do I learn something new about my grief journey. It is really hard to look at pictures of Bella. Despite my strength and how far I have come, looking back on the memories we made together causes me to break. It’s not the same kind of pain that used to surface but it is definitely painful to think about all that is missing. 
I am fortunate to have many memories with Bella captured in photos. I spent all day yesterday organizing thousands of photos I took with my iPhone this past year. Yes, THOUSANDS! When Hudson was a baby, I began to fear forgetting moments of his life. I feared forgetting the sound of his cry, the smell of his hair, his facial expressions and the cute things he would do. After Bella was born, I feared these things even more. I even feared forgetting the sound of her cry after hearing it 9 hours a day for 3.5 months. I thought I was crazy but I somehow knew that I would lose a child someday. I felt a need to have more than one child in case something ever happened to one of my children. I assumed those thoughts were normal fears but now know it was my intuition preparing me for the inevitable.
My intuition is what led me to take so many pictures, and I am so thankful for listening to my inner voice. I took photos of Bella almost every day of her life, many of which I still have not seen. The purpose of Project Life was to post a photo of her for each day of her life, as many days that I was able to. I hoped to complete it before I returned to work, but I returned sooner than I had anticipated. I don’t think I was ready to look through all those photos yet. I’m still not sure I am ready, or if I will ever be. I look at some, a little at a time, whenever I need a dose of my angel. 
Photos are memories we never have to fear forgetting. They are moments captured forever. I shouldn’t feel rushed to complete my project as there is no time limit on it. Project Life will not expire. Bella’s photos won’t fade. My memories are safe and I will share them with the world when I am ready. 

Healing in Maui

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Emotional healing requires work, and this can put a strain on your body. A week in paradise for me was actually time spent on healing and took effort. The location made it easier for me to do this work but I have to remind myself that just because I was on Maui does not mean I was on vacation.
I may have spent some time relaxing and exploring, typical things people do on vacation, but the rest of the time was about deep soul work. This involved feeling, writing, and looking into the hole in my heart and searching for truths I was too afraid to see before that time.
Learning about yourself is difficult because sometimes we don’t want to admit things to ourselves. Some things are simply too painful to admit and the fear of what those thoughts can do to us physically can prevent them from surfacing. I believe that holding these thoughts inside can cause much more pain than releasing them and working through issues. This is why it was so important for me to do this. 
In Maui, I let the truth come. It flooded out of me so fast that I didn’t realize what happened. I reached for the sand and held on for my life. But a moment later, once I caught my breath, I realized I was still alive. The truth was painful, but it didn’t stop my heart this time.
I can’t speak for others who have experienced this but for me dying once was enough. The day after Bella left me, I chose to go with her. The bright white tunnel of light really does exist and your loved ones really are on the other side waiting for you. I know because I have seen it. I begged Bella to grab my hand and take me with her. Her words were clear: “Hudson needs you more.”
I accepted coming back so I could be Hudson’s mommy. But since that day I have feared facing the pain because now that I have made the choice to live, I don’t want to leave my son. I feared going back to the source of that near death experience would lead me to that same place. 
Emotional pain hurts physically. Losing my child was the worst pain I have ever felt. I’m strong enough now to face it. My fear of death is gone. 
My soul healing journey on Maui left my immune system depleted and my body is struggling to get back to normal. This is a small price to pay for the amount of healing that took place. I need to rest and get back on my feet but once things are back to normal (whatever that means), I can finally begin the next chapter of my healing journey. 


#StayStrong❤️

Blessings❤️

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I am finally home after the most incredible vacation. I had not expected that the quick descent from my Maui high would leave me sick and scattered. An unexpected end to the most amazing time of my life. I guess great things sometimes come with a price. 
After 2 days on the road, I did not go straight home but instead went to a Steak BBQ/Silent Auction fundraiser that our Friends of Larder committee and local Lions Club organized. Much of the fundraising efforts will be going directly to Bella’s Splash Pad, a memorial for my darling angel. 
The anniversary of Bella’s passing is fast approaching. A part of me feels like an eternity has passed since I last saw her, probably because so many things have happened this past year. The other part of me can’t believe it’s already been almost a year. Then I think back to that tragic day. 
The one positive thing about that day (my new self always looks for a positive) is how I was surrounded by my loving family. We were all there holding each other up at the most difficult moment any of us had ever faced. Tragedies can bring families closer together but my family already was as close as I thought you could get. After spending weeks together and continuing to hold each other up, we are now even closer.
The one thing I continued to hear from hospital staff who were working on that tragic day was how incredibly close my family is. They had never witnessed so much love and support. I grew up surrounded by love so I thought this was normal. Now I know how blessed I am.
The same support comes from our small community who were deeply affected by Bella’s sudden passing. On the day of her funeral, our entire town was a sea of pink. Anyone who knew Bella or were touched by her in some way woke pink to celebrate her life. The support continues as people express their love and concern, read my written words, and sincerely care about my family and I. 
Now that we are officially raising money for a Splash Pad as a memorial for Bella, the support continues to grow and includes surrounding communities who have donated money or gifts and attended our fundraising events. Last night I came home to open arms of love. I truly am surrounded by blessings.
Thank you to everyone who has reached out to my family and I. Your thoughtfulness will never be forgotten. And thank you to everyone supporting Bella’s memorial project. Every little bit helps get us that much closer to our $150,000 goal. 
Even during our darkest days, there is much to be grateful for. It’s during these times that we have to search a little harder. Thank you to my family for being my light. I love you. ❤️

My Experience in Maui

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It’s my last day in Maui. I knew before arriving that there was something special about this place. Maui is an energy vortex, the heart chakra of planet earth. It’s the ideal place to go to heal a broken heart. It’s also the rainbow state where everyone greets you with love. Bella knew exactly what she was doing when she sent me here💕
What I hadn’t expected was the depth of emotion I feel about this island. I feel the love deep in my bones and it radiates within me. Love for nature, love for others, and most importantly, love for myself.
The sights on Maui moved me in a way I have never experienced. Everything is so beautiful, it brings me to tears. Every tear I shed felt wonderful as each were drops of gratitude escaping from the depths of my soul. 
I came here to attend a “Writing From Your Soul” workshop with Wayne Dyer and Doreen Virtue. I was surrounded by like-minded souls, each on their own journey, every one with a story to tell. It was comforting to be heard without being judged and to listen and understand that I’m not alone. No one is ever alone. There is something greater in every single one of us that connects us. This force pulled each of us to Maui for the same reason and each of us will leave somehow different than when we arrived. 
I took a huge leap in coming here, completely stepping out of my comfort zone. I’m so thankful I had the courage to do it. I had lost myself but feel connected again. I have been able to reconnect with Bella. I haven’t felt alone during this trip because I feel her here. I hear her words.
Bella wants me to let go of the pain. She tells me there are big things to come for us and I need to heal in order to complete this mission. She tells me life with her “wasn’t meant to be easy. I was here to teach.” She taught me many things in her short life, including how far I could be pushed until I broke. Bella broke me, but this allowed me to break through after she left me. 
I haven’t explored these dark parts of my journey yet in fear that it would lead me back to death. Literally feeling that it could kill me. It already did once and as wonderful as heaven is, I have too much work to do here and can’t go home just yet. But I now feel ready to do this difficult work. In doing so I will learn even more lessons from my daughter. Then I can teach them to the world.
We fight to hold on and we fight to let go. I am finally ready to let go. 
#StayStrong❤️👼

My offering to Pele, which included Bella’s ashes, a piece of quartz from back home (from my soul sister) and love and protection in the form of Young Living’s White Angelica (essential oil) . Pele accepted it with honour and gratitude💕

In Magestic Maui

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In Majestic Maui, the broken Goddess stirs. A fire is burning from deep within. She feels an ocean wave wash over her like a blanket and as it recedes it takes with it an ounce of pain. The rhythm of the waves reminds her of a slowed heartbeat grasping on to life by a thread. Time stands still. She realizes all that she thought she knew was but a spec of dust floating in a sea of pink sparkles. When all you see is darkness, all else remains untouched to observation. As her eyes open, she understands in the depths of her soul that the sparkles were always at her side even though she couldn’t see them. The act of observing the sparkles doesn’t alter their existence but brings more life into them. This is love, and it causes them to move faster and faster. They begin to dance to the rhythm of the waves. The strength and speed of the waves increases and the heartbeat fills with life once more. The Goddess closes her eyes for a moment, inhales deeply and feels the vibration of the dance. When she opens them, something has changed. The sparkles are now moving so quickly, they are no longer separate. They are one. They are light, pure love. She sees the beautiful light on Majestic Maui and whispers with gratitude, “Thank you Bella.”❤️

Meeting Colette Baron-Reid

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What an incredible day! We went to see Colette Baron-Reid in Sudbury today on her “Messages from Spirit” tour. For anyone not familiar with Colette, she is a world-renowned spiritual intuitive/medium/author (and so much more). I was in awe as I watched the messages unfold for people clinging to a glimmer of hope to hear that their loved ones are okay on the other side.
It was interesting that the only person I knew in the room happened to be sitting right in front of me. I watched and listened as her mother-in-law received a love-filled message from her departed husband and daughter.
We witnessed a lot of healing take place as people heard from loved ones who died suddenly, took their own lives, suffered from addictions (one mother heard from her son who died of an overdose), and husbands who left their beloved wives in the physical realm. There were some apologies from spirit while other people received reassurance that their loved ones may not be physically here but they are still with us!
I had a feeling that other people would be needing messages more than me so I wasn’t expecting to hear from Bella. She didn’t come through during the show but when I met Colette after show, I handed her a Bella Angel card and told her it was my daughter. She wanted to connect with Bella, so she did, and the main message she received for me was personal and private. She talked about my relationship and career, which is pretty interesting because I was hoping to get a message about my career. I already know how special my relationship is, and it never hurts to have that confirmed.
Healing comes in all forms but when a loved one dies, nothing is more comforting than proof that they are still with you. Once you open yourself up to the idea that there is more to the universe than what we can see, you can understand that death doesn’t exist because souls aren’t born, they transition back and forth from spirit to physical. 
To anyone who is experiencing grief, #StayStrong❤️ Please take comfort in knowing that your loved one has never left you! Grief is part of the human experience, the illusion of separation. It’s a normal process to grieve, but we don’t have to be a victim forever. 
On our way home, I decided to look up at the sky through the sunroof, which is not something I ever do. There in the sky above me was a streak that looked like a faint rainbow. I took a deep breath and whispered “Thank you, Bella!”❤️👼