I finally cried last night. Not a big cry, but a cry nonetheless. It was our first night at home (alone) since Bella left. We have been so busy that I haven’t had much one on one time with Hudson. I ordered some books for him and last night we finally read our first one, “When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death.” Explaining to a 5 year old that his sister is gone forever is hard enough, but for him to worry about other people he loves dying is more than I can handle. Death is unpredictable and it’s unfair to make promises you can’t keep. He told me he misses Bella so much and wants to go to heaven too. “One day, baby boy, when you’re an old old man.” …I hope, but no one ever really knows for sure.
We danced last night. Our first dance party without Bella. It just wasn’t the same. But life doesn’t stop, and she would want us to dance. I’m sure she was dancing with us, but probably doing a whole bunch of new moves only an angel could pull off.
No matter how much I want to curl up in a ball and disappear, I have a little boy who needs me. And I will make sure to keep making memories, no matter how hard I need to force myself. We never know how long we have together, but it’s not about how much time you have that matters. It’s about what you do with the time you have!
I am lost for words today. I’m feeling tired and lacking energy. I’m sitting here curled up in my rainbow blanket wishing I could go back to 2 years ago and relive the roller coaster ride once more. It’s hard to believe that so much has happened in such a short period of time. I was out the night before Bella left and was telling people that the storm was finally over and how it was going to be nothing but happiness from now on. Then the next morning, the worst thing imaginable happened. I’m still in denial because life really can’t be this cruel. I feel like she’s visiting family and will be coming home any moment. I need to let go and allow myself to grieve. I need to cry. I need to feel the pain. So as I sit here, I hope that grief will come.
“The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.” – Stephen Colbert
Today is another turning point as my sister and the kids are leaving. It’s been good for Hudson to have his cousins here. I’m not sure if the quiet will be good or not but I haven’t been home much and need to get things done. My fridge has never been so empty and Hudson only has a few pairs on underwear left in his drawer. I’ve been staying with my parents since the incident and it’s getting harder and harder to be at home, likely because reality is setting in. Last night I sat in my bedroom in the rocking chair I always sit in when I put Bella to sleep, and stared at her crib. It was the first time I’ve done that since and I could have stayed there for hours, just staring and remembering. I remembered how difficult it was every night to get her to sleep. How she would toss and turn and complain, then cry/scream if I left the room. Sleep was a huge challenge and I can’t help but feel guilty for wishing time away. I would say “I can’t wait for her to be easier to get to sleep” yet now she is sleeping permanently. Be careful what you wish for… I’d give anything to go back to those difficult nights. I’d even give anything to go back to her days of colic, and that was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through. What I wouldn’t give just to hear her cry.
Yesterday was a bad day. I stayed in bed most of the day and didn’t feel like moving. A lot of thoughts were running through my mind, mostly about how much I miss Bella and how torn up I am that Hudson lost his baby sister who he loves so much. I haven’t been missing her as much as you may expect because I have been feeling her presence and energy (which has been so strong), but yesterday I didn’t feel her the same way that I have been.
I finally found the photos I’ve been looking for to start Project Life, so that’s coming very soon. I also watched recent home movies of her. It’s starting to hit me that she’s gone. I’ve been too strong and need to be break, just a little bit. All that strength people are sending may be a little too effective so at this time I’ll ask you to stop, just long enough to let me feel the pain. It’s something I need right now. In order to help my heart heal, I’m going to need to feel the pain.
“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” – Anne Lamott
It’s been 2 weeks already. I’m laying in bed beside my son enjoying the sound of him breathing. I have a stuffy nose and I’m wondering if my allergies are back. I’ve been symptom free since the incident. Can shock do that to you?
I dreamt of angels all night. Lots and lots of angels. A special friend told me I have many angels helping me through this, and last night I asked Bella to come to me in my dreams. Of course she’s an angel but confirmation is always nice.
The last 4 days have been busy but wonderful. It’s time for a quiet day. I received many books so a day of reading sounds pretty therapeutic. I’m craving books whereas a week ago I was craving time alone.
Yesterday was wonderful. Full of love, oils, angels and nature therapy. I feel grounded today. The day off to a wonderful start.
People grieve in different ways. I choose to grieve by remembering my angel. Last night I started looking for all the pictures I took from the day I found out I was pregnant with Bella. I want to share the important moments as a way to document my journey, which has been life changing in so many ways. Bella didn’t just change me when she left, it’s been a 2 year transformation. I believe that everything happens for a reason and the many challenges I’ve faced over the last 2 years unfolded in the order they did as the strength I gained from one gave me the strength to endure the next. And so the healing process begins today by remembering. I want to thank you for sharing this journey with me. #StayStrong
Today was a bad day. I have no energy and didn’t feel like doing a thing, so I didn’t. A couple of special visitors showed up to show me a special tribute they are having made for Bella that will be put on the First Response vehicle and also for my car. People never cease to amaze me <3. I so desperately need answers as to what happened to my baby girl and I’ve seen the impact positive thought can have so I will ask all of you, my community of support, a HUGE favour. PLEASE send all your positive energy and pray that the medical team will find out what happened to my baby girl. Not only will this help us find closure but I also want to make sure I can do everything I can to prevent this from happening to someone else. Thanks in advance. Much love! XO
Today I feel numb. I am present but lack the ability to feel. I’m not sad. I’m not happy. I just am. I know there are different stages of grief and think maybe I’m in denial. My family left today and I had a few friends come see me yet all I really want is to be alone. The time I had to myself I spent going through Bella’s things and packed up some stuff to give away. I want anything that has no significance out of this house. As I did this, I didn’t feel a thing and this seems odd because you would think this would be a difficult thing to do but it wasn’t. I think I’m subconsciously protecting myself from the pain, repressing it until I am more ready to deal with it. A week ago I just wanted to be numb and now I just want to feel. #StayStrong
“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” – Eleanor Roosevelt …sometimes that thing is to simply survive.
I don’t think I will ever wake up feeling the same again. Every morning will be the same… Wishing it’s all just a bad dream. It’s one week today. I went out Friday night for the first time in months. Hudson and Bella stayed with my parents. Bella had a rough night and was up til 3am so mom let her sleep in. I will never forget seeing her run down the stairs with my limp baby girl in her arms. She had bloody foam on her face and wasn’t breathing. I put her on the floor and started CPR and told mom to call 911. It’s incredible how calm and focused you can be when you need to be. When first response arrived, I fell apart. I knew she was gone. She was fine the night before. It makes no sense. Today my heart hurts and it’s a pain that I can’t explain, but while all this was happening all I kept saying to myself was that it’s meant to me be this way. She was meant to go. She was saved a month ago when her daddy was in a terrible car crash and she was supposed to be in that car. When it’s your time, it’s your time and this was meant to be. I appreciate the time we had and now it’s time to share her with the world and fulfill her purpose. This will help me #StayStrong
Today is about acceptance and forgiveness. Tragedies allow you to see what is truly important in life. We so often take things for granted and lack appreciation of what is right in front of us. We may even think we know how blessed we are but it isn’t until we lose all that matters that we can see blessings for what they were. Today I choose to accept things for what they are, people for who they are, and myself as I am. I chose this life because I am strong enough to live it. I hope that in living it, I can I change the lives of others. Today I choose to forgive those who have hurt me in the past, forgive what they have done, and I choose to forgive myself. Bella was here to serve a purpose and I choose to share her purpose with the world because sharing gives her even more purpose, so let your light shine, baby girl, on all those who are willing to listen. Thank you for helping me #StayStrong