I feel lost. I’ve closed myself off. I am stuck in this happy place. As great as it feels to be here, I have so much work to do and it’s important to continue to push through it in order to get where I need to be. 
No one wants to feel pain. I’ve gone back and forth from wanting to feel pain when I couldn’t feel a thing, to wanting the pain to go away because it was too much for me to bare. Now all I feel is happiness and by suppressing the pain, I am wearing down. It’s making me sick. Physically. 
Distractions are all around me. They give the impression of helping me, but in the end they are just wearing me down even more. Stress surrounds me, but all I want to do is close my eyes and pretend everything is fine. 
That voice I heard keeps playing in my head like a broken record. “It was meant to be this way. It will be ok.” But a part of me is dead. Gone forever. How can anything ever be fine ever again? It can’t… but I can pretend. 
People say that time heals all wounds, but I don’t believe that. Time will heal nothing if you refuse to confront it. You can keep your pain on a shelf neatly tucked away for eternity, but the pain will remain there. My pain surfaces every now and then. I’ve built a strong wall that holds the pain in quite well. I remain hidden behind this wall surrounded by love, which is healing to an extent, but it’s time to take this wall down. It’s time to feel. It’s time to start the healing process, which I have begun countless times but keep retreating to my safe place. 
It’s time to stop being strong.
It’s time to break.
Stop telling me to #StayStrong💔