I hate this feeling I have inside. That’s why i repress it. My days seem dark and all I want to do is sleep. I am so tired. Always tired. And tired of feeling tired. I force myself to get things done but it never fails that my list of things to do grows faster than my ability to accomplish my goals.
It’s been a rough week. So was last week. I feel myself slipping into a depression. Everything is an effort. I have only the best of intentions but seem to be failing more than anything. By allowing myself to fall into that darkness, I feel that I am letting myself down, letting Bella down. I do believe, however, that I need to feel this way. I need to be sad. I am angry that she left. There is pain so deep within me that I am not allowing myself to feel. I’m not sure if it’s because I am trying to stay strong or if it’s because I’m not ready. Most likely it’s because I am so scared to feel this pain as it is too overwhelming that I am fearful of what may happen if I do feel it.
Part of me still feels like this is just a bad dream. Part of me wonders if Bella’s life was the dream.
I am disconnected, but holding on.
#StayStrong❤️
Child Loss
I would give anything, absolutely ANYTHING, to go back to the day Bella was born and experience her life over again. Last night I was looking at photos of her first month on this planet, many of which I had never seen. As much as it is a blessing to have these moments captured, it causes me deep pain to look at them.
If I were to go back to November 14, 2012, I would tell myself to enjoy every single moment of my angel’s life. Especially the difficult moments. I would appreciate every single second I had with her, knowing that our time together was limited.
Bella’s birth was beautiful, and she was perfect. She slept most of the first 2 days of her life, while we were in the hospital. The day I brought her home, everything changed. Her first night at home, she woke up every time I’d put her down. After many attempts, I fell asleep in my bed with her in my arms, which is where she slept for the first year. If she wasn’t in my arms, she wouldn’t sleep.
When she was 7 days old, we had her newborn photo shoot. It was a challenge because she was cranky for the first time. Little did I know that “cranky” would be her norm. She cried nonstop for 9 hours a day, every single day. I was in denial about the fact that my baby had colic. I was embarrassed about it and didn’t want anyone to know. I felt like a complete failure as a mother.
We rarely left home. When we did go out, someone would always comment on how cranky my baby was. This made me feel awful and ashamed, and as a result, I refused to wave my home. I didn’t want anyone seeing how my child was “less than perfect.” We also didn’t have many visitors. I am thankful for those few friends who came over despite the chaos and were willing to have conversations over the screaming while watching me pace and bounce my unconsolable baby girl. It was rare that I would ever accept help, likely because of the embarrassment, but offers were always appreciated and will never be forgotten.
I refused to accept that it was “just colic” and that she was perfectly heathy. No baby would cry that much unless something was wrong. It was a symptom of something more, but I never did find out the cause. She screamed all day every day for the first 3.5 months of her life. Those days were by far the most challenging of my entire life. After conquering colic, I can do anything!
If I could go back to the day Bella was born, I would tell myself that I would get through the colic. I would reassure myself that I was doing the best I could, and that I was capable. I would remind myself that I’m human and it is ok to be angry. I would tell myself that this experience would change me and make me strong. I would embrace those difficult moments as challenges are what help us grow, and I am thankful for what it taught me.
I wished time away. For that I will always be regretful. You can’t take moments back once they pass. I will now always embrace life for what it is, good or bad.
Looking back at the photos, there were many happy moments that I was unable to see at the time. It is these happy moments that will be etched in my memory for all of eternity.
#StayStrong❤️ #Colic
After a very rough week, I finally saw some light. This roller coaster is a pretty intense ride. I hate not knowing what to expect from one day to the next. This is the reality of grief. I am thankful that I finally got to feel the pain without losing control. You have to feel pain in order to heal, otherwise you simply repress it and that causes a lot of damage.
I finally made my trip to Sudbury. I had an incredible QHHT session and learned a lot about myself. QHHT is a form of hypnosis, past life regression. It was literally an “out of this world” experience. I definitely chose this life because I wanted to learn as much as possible. I am a starseed and need to go to Peru as it will help me heal. These are things I already knew, but confirmation is invaluable. I would eventually like to become a QHHT practitioner as I am a healer and always have been. Helping others heal is simply what I have always done.
Friday was a great day. I didn’t feel sad at all and didn’t have a worry in the world. It’s the best I’ve felt since Bella left. We came home yesterday and kept seeing rainbows. At first I thought I was hallucinating because the rainbow was so faint, the clouds weren’t dark and there was no rain. The rainbow then intensified! It was huge, very thick and vibrant! We passed it and then we saw another rainbow. When I got home, there was another, then the sky turned pink. It was beautiful! I have never seen as many rainbows as I have this summer. Thank you, Bella❤️
Now I lay in bed with Hudson and Buddy. I had a great time away with my girl brothers but I am thankful to be home with my boys. I’m definitely feeling the love this morning.
#StayStrong❤️ #Starseed⭐️ #Rainbow🌈
My little man is off to school. He was pretty excited about his first day of SK. For the first time, it was an easy morning. No fussing, no rushing, no chaos. It was too easy. He was ready early so we went outside to take a few photos.
The last day of school was the last day of Bella’s life, so this is really a new chapter for us. I wasn’t sure how today would affect me and the truth is I didn’t give it much thought but after Hudson’s bus drove away, I sat outside in the quiet and it hit me. I shouldn’t be here right now; I should be on my way to drop Bella off at daycare and then be going to work! I’m angry that instead of my normal day, I have to sit here, alone, in the quiet, hurting from the inside out.
A year ago, life was so hard. Shawn left in July and I was on my own with 2 kids full time. I was struggling with the separation and grieving the loss of my spouse. It was difficult and at the time I didn’t think it could be any worse. Boy, was I wrong.
I would give anything to go back to those chaotic days. Absolutely anything. I kept telling myself that “it will get easier as Bella gets older.” She was such a handful! She didn’t sleep and was over-the-top into EVERYTHING (to the point that she was a hazard)! In hindsight, I realize she was simply making the most out of the time she had here as she likely knew her time was short.
I’m angry that she was taken from me. I’m angry that this had to happen to me! I’m angry that although I had been through enough a year ago that I could have written a book about my life, this had to happen to show me that the past was just the past and nothing before Bella ever mattered at all. I’m angry that I could have been so naive to think that life was as bad as it could get. Reality is my past made me as strong as I am and this strength is allowing me to keep going. Now it is all but water under a bridge.
Life can be chaotic. Kids are hard work, and that multiplies when you’re a single parent. It’s normal to get frustrated and impatient, but life is precious and no one is invincible. Just remember that life can change in an instant!
As I sat on my front step with tears streaming down my face, I looked over to see Bella’s beautiful pink rose staring at me. Thanks for the sign, baby girl. And with that, I stood up and decided it was time to start my day.
#StayStrong❤️
Sometimes the best gifts are those that were created by accident. My heart aches tonight. I found this video on my iPad tonight. Click HERE to view it. 💔
Why do we spend our entire lives trying to escape death, especially since it’s unavoidable? Most likely it’s the fear of the unknown, but there’s more to it than that.
I can honestly say that for me, that’s not why. It’s not even that I’m trying to escape it. I KNOW there’s more after this life because I can still feel Bella. The day after she transitioned, I almost died and that experience changed me. I didn’t die that day for 2 reasons. First and foremost, I am here for my son. He needs me, now more than ever. Secondly, I chose to live this life for a reason, and my mission isn’t complete.
Death was once accepted as a part of life and the way people coped with it was much different because of their beliefs. It is very clear to me that Bella’s fate was death. She was no longer meant to be in the physical world. She came here for a reason and she served her purpose. I also believe that in order to complete her mission, it was necessary for her to transition to the spirit world.
The experience of losing Bella has forever altered my beliefs about death. We grieve for OUR loss, not for what our deceased loved ones have lost. They haven’t lost anything because they are still here with us. We are the ones who have lost something because we can no longer see THEM, but rest assured that they can see US! I know this because my daughter is with me every second of every day.
Bella talks to me. She calls me “MaMma” and tells me to be patient, that all will come together in time. She says that love is the answer to all. She also tells me we need to embrace death when it’s inevitable because it’s something our souls choose. She knew she wasn’t here for long and she made the most out of every moment she had here.
I miss my baby girl and would give anything to hug her once again. I’m thankful that I am aware of her presence and she will continue to give me these signs because I welcome them. This is all part of my mission so I will #StayStrong❤️ for Bella!
Yesterday marked 2 months since Bella’s transition. It feels like an eternity has passed since I last hugged my sweet angel, yet it flew by so fast. It’s probably normal to feel that way after something so traumatic, when so much happens in such a short period of time.
It still mostly feels like a bad dream, but now I have moments of reality that seep through this haze. The veil is starting to lift ever so slowly and as much I want to pull it back down, I’m letting it do what it needs to. I need to feel in order to heal.
I still lack motivation for anything physical, including cleaning. My kitchen is a disaster thanks to a bug infestation in my pantry. Just what I needed because I am not dealing with enough… And my “to do” list keeps growing by the hour. At this rate, I’ll never catch up. On the other hand, at least I will always have a distraction when I need it. Maybe that’s why the bugs came. Maybe Bella brought them here to distract me. Maybe I should have a talk with her about proper ways to get my attention!
Bella was at her daycare the other day. One of her friends saw her and pointed to her. She was playing in the sandbox, beside another one of her friends. I’m sure she’s there every day but confirmation is always nice.
Part of my healing process is to go through all the photos of Bella’s life. I started yesterday by going through and sharing photos of her birth. That day was such a gift. I was on a mission to experience my vision of “a perfect birth” and I succeeded. It was beautiful. I apologize if some people are offended by some of the photos I posted. I feel that something this beautiful needs to be shared. It’s about Bella, remembering and celebrating her life. I plan to share every moment of her life in order to give her memories life. The more people who share in these memories, the more people she touches and the stronger her memory becomes.
If anyone has any photos of Bella, could you please email them to me? Every single photo becomes even more precious when you know there will never be another opportunity to take more. Thank you so much❤️and please share! altcarter@hotmail.com
#StayStrong❤️ #KeepMemoriesAlive
Waiting is torture. When you wait for something that you know could happen literally any second, life is on hold. You avoid making plans of any sort in order to remain available – just in case. But as Murphy’s law would have it, the ONE day I plan to go out of town, the ONE time I decide to do something for ME, that’s when it happens.
Friday morning started off pretty great. I woke up happy and excited. I had an appointment in Sudbury to see someone for Quantum Healing Hypnosis (past life regression) and was planning to meet up with a friend I haven’t seen in 2 years. I was looking forward to getting away for the day, just me and my music for hours. Therapy, followed by healing!
10 minutes after I left home, I happened to look down at my phone. I missed a call from “Unknown ID” and they left a message. Seconds later, it rang again. It was one of the police officers on Bella’s case. She was wondering if I could meet with her that morning, then we lost the connection and I had no cell service.
I drove to Englehart and decided to turn right instead of left. When she called again, I told her I was on my way. No one knew where I was and I decided to go on my own. I’m not sure what I was thinking.
They had answers. Answers that only led to more questions. Answers that didn’t make any sense. In that instant, a piece of me that was hanging on for dear life finally broke off and shattered against the wall.
I often wondered if knowing what happened to Bella would make things easier, and I’m still not convinced. I hope to speak with the coroner soon to ask him many questions. Although I hope to get some more answers, I have a strong feeling that much will remain a mystery. She didn’t have any symptoms. She seemed perfectly fine, other than a mild cold (like all kids in daycare) and not wanting to sleep (her whole life). She was happy, energetic and seemed quite healthy. How can something like this happen?
I needed to get away so I spent the rest of the day in Timmins with my girl brothers. Bella was with me on the drive home. I think she was trying to tell me that everything is going to be okay. She kept turning the ceiling light on in the car, then my satellite radio kept losing service (which was happening all afternoon) so I told her “Bella, if that’s you playing with the radio, please stop” and both stopped immediately. When I got home, the car light came on once again as I turned into the driveway.
#StayStrong❤️
Hudson woke up with a fever this morning. He didn’t want to lay in my bed with me but wanted to lay in Bella’s bed instead. He turned on her aquarium and soft music filled the room. He noticed a purple shirt under him and asked if it was Bella’s shit. I said “no, honey, that’s Mommy’s shirt.” He looked disappointed, then said “mommy, I want one of Bella’s shirts so I can hug it because I can’t hug Bella because she’s gone.” 💔
I cried, and hugged Hudson. Then he asked “mommy, I made you sad?” and he had tears coming down his cheeks. This broke me even more. He truly thought that I was that upset because of him. I explained to him that I was sad because Bella was gone, hugged him, then went into Bella’s room.
I tried to find a shirt but there are so many bins piled on top of one another. The tears were streaming down my face and I felt as though I was suffocating. I tried to focus on finding a shirt but I couldn’t find any so I started taking bins down and finally found some of her pajamas. I took 2 pairs (one for him, one for me) and 2 of her toys (again, one for him and one for me), left the mess and hurried back to my boy.
He stayed in her bed for quite a while, and I laid in my bed and let myself feel. I cried and for once I didn’t hold back.
I feel the walls starting to come down around me. I’m still fighting it but I’m definitely starting to feel the pain. It started last night. I walked into my room and went to give Buddy (my dog) a kiss goodnight and he was laying by Bella’s crib. I looked up and peered through the bars and could visualize her sleeping on her belly. Her hair was messy and slightly damp from sweat. Her back was slowly rising and falling. Then she was gone and I felt nothing but pain. I have a gaping wound where my heart used to be.
Life is unfair. No one should ever have to feel pain this deep.
#StayStrong❤️ #ImTiredOfBeingStrong💔
It’s finally starting to sink in, but I’m fighting it with every ounce of strength I have in me. She’s not coming back. This is not a dream. I am wide awake.
I’m exhausted. I sleep but it never seems to be enough. I’m emotionally drained, and this kind of tired is not easy to fix.
My life is at a standstill but I want it this way. So much will be changing in the next coming weeks that I’m not ready for. Hudson will be back in school in 2 weeks. I have to think about going back to work. So many changes are happening all around me that I can’t even begin to describe.
The worst part of losing a child is the reality that life has to go on without her. It HAS to… But I don’t want it to. I want to freeze time because every moment that passes is a moment farther from the last time I saw her. But time goes by. Birthdays come and go and people get older. We experience new things, learn and grow. Family members leave home, get new jobs, start new lives. New people come into our lives, people Bella never met. How can these things still happen in a world without her? It still makes no sense to me. How can she not be here to experience these things with us?
We went to check out the new playground that’s being built down the street. It breaks me to know she will never get to enjoy it. We went to the old one we used to go to as a family, and all the memories tear me apart. It doesn’t matter where we go or what we do, everything reminds me of her.
Memories are the most valuable thing any human can possess. I may be so blessed to have these priceless keepsakes, yet at the same time they cause so much pain. It’s bittersweet. But I can’t stop thinking about her. I wouldn’t want to no matter how much it hurts.
I continue to stand tall and strong. Patience is keeping me grounded. I wait by the phone, hoping it will ring at any moment. Patiently wait for answers that we may never receive.
And so here I wait, broken, with my memories…
#StayStrong❤️ #BrokenMemories #IMissYou
Angie Carter 