Believe In Miracles
Child Loss
We Are Having A Rainbow!
Our Family ❤️
No amount of time could have prepared me for this moment. I don’t think I will ever feel ready to embark on this journey. But it has begun. It’s real. And there is no going back.
The instant that double line appears, a million thoughts begin to flood your mind. In the chaos of emotions, you sort through all your wishes and fears. You feel excitement, bliss, anxiety and panic all at the same time.
Is it too soon? Am I ready? How can this be happening? How will Hudson take the news? What this affect the rest of the family?
A rainbow appears at the end of a storm. The term “rainbow baby” is given to a child conceived after the loss of a child.
We are having a RAINBOW!!!!
#StayStrong❤️
Bella has been a busy angel❤️👼
Photo credit: Kate Demore Photography
The Unknown Emotions
I’ve always been an emotional person. I’m what you would call a “highly sensitive person.” I feel things most people don’t which can be intense. It sometimes impacts my ability to function and causes physical discomforts. The weird part of it all is how often I have no idea what is happening to me or why!
My ability to feel other people’s energy can overwhelm me making it difficult to tell if what I am experiencing is my emotion to own or if it’s something I’m picking up from someone else. Since discovering that I’m an empath I most often credit the unexplained emotions to other people and refuse ownership. I have found that by recognizing the source I am able to “let go” of the feelings and quickly bounce back from it. Reiki is a great tool to help with this.
But what happens when we know the emotion is ours to own but we don’t understand the cause?
I am strong and can get trough anything. This is what I’m told and I do believe it on some level. I have a harder time saying those words to myself, especially in the last few weeks.
Change is scary, and I’m starting a new job on Monday. I’m certain this will be a positive experience for me and that it is causing some anxiety. I do not think it’s causing the majority of what I am feeling though.
My heart beats hard and I feel scared. I feel pressure in my head and I’m sensitive to noise. I fell “off centre.”
It’s time to explore what’s hiding within the depths of my soul and uncover this unknown fear. Tonight, I write down my soul and start by ripping my heart wide open again.
I may be afraid but I refuse to let fear take me over!
❤️
Lessons in Grief
The lessons we learn often mean more to us when we reflect on them after a period of time has passed. I may not have have the time to sit with my thoughts as often as I would like, but each time I do I learn something new about my grief journey. It is really hard to look at pictures of Bella. Despite my strength and how far I have come, looking back on the memories we made together causes me to break. It’s not the same kind of pain that used to surface but it is definitely painful to think about all that is missing.
I am fortunate to have many memories with Bella captured in photos. I spent all day yesterday organizing thousands of photos I took with my iPhone this past year. Yes, THOUSANDS! When Hudson was a baby, I began to fear forgetting moments of his life. I feared forgetting the sound of his cry, the smell of his hair, his facial expressions and the cute things he would do. After Bella was born, I feared these things even more. I even feared forgetting the sound of her cry after hearing it 9 hours a day for 3.5 months. I thought I was crazy but I somehow knew that I would lose a child someday. I felt a need to have more than one child in case something ever happened to one of my children. I assumed those thoughts were normal fears but now know it was my intuition preparing me for the inevitable.
My intuition is what led me to take so many pictures, and I am so thankful for listening to my inner voice. I took photos of Bella almost every day of her life, many of which I still have not seen. The purpose of Project Life was to post a photo of her for each day of her life, as many days that I was able to. I hoped to complete it before I returned to work, but I returned sooner than I had anticipated. I don’t think I was ready to look through all those photos yet. I’m still not sure I am ready, or if I will ever be. I look at some, a little at a time, whenever I need a dose of my angel.
Photos are memories we never have to fear forgetting. They are moments captured forever. I shouldn’t feel rushed to complete my project as there is no time limit on it. Project Life will not expire. Bella’s photos won’t fade. My memories are safe and I will share them with the world when I am ready.
Deep Healing
It’s finally Saturday and I’m grateful for the opportunity to stay in bed. The last few weeks have been very busy and I can’t seem to shake the exhaustion. For the first time in a long time it’s not emotional but due to lack of sleep.
I have felt significantly different since my return from Maui. Many experiences during my trip changed me and helped me heal. Meeting Doreen Virtue and Wayne Dyer was incredible and listening to them speak was powerful. I felt something shift inside of me.
The time I spent on the beach was sacred. I felt safe and allowed the pain inside to surface. I explored all the sources of this pain, some of which surprised me. In feeling it, I accepted it then forgave myself for anything I felt guilty of. The waves washed away the deepest of my pain, which has not returned. I will always feel pain that Bella is not here with me physically, but it’s not the same dark pain that was taking me over.
My experience on Haleakala summit was another incredible experience. We were there to watch the sun rise at 10,000 ft elevation, above the clouds. Being an empath, I have always been sensitive to what others feel, but I was vulnerable that morning. A woman was behind me and angry that I was standing in front of her and asked me to move (which was an unreasonable request considering where we were). When I kindly refused to move it was as though she threw daggers of anger at me. My knees were weak, I felt dizzy and I her anger felt like pain in my chest. I was searching for my “White Angelica” essential oil (which I use for protection against negative energy) but I couldn’t find it because I could barely see. My new friend who was beside me knew what was happening and walked me through breathing and protecting myself until it passed.
I was there with a group of women and after the sun came up we had a group meditation. Our new friend went around the circle and said a few special words to each of us. When it was my turn, she spoke about Bella. My eyes were closed and I could see a ball of light, which was pure love, above me. The light then entered my body and became one with me. I know it was Bella, and in that moment love filled all of the cracks in my shattered soul. She was with me, in me, and was never going to leave. It was miraculous.
Several weeks after my life-changing trip, I lay in bed and think about these experiences. I knew intuitively that I was coming home to many changes, and now I am watching these changes unfold. I knew my life would never be the same.
The first of these changes became official this week when I accepted a new employment opportunity. I feel that I found my niche and I am excited to start this new journey.
It’s time to embrace change.
Life is good!
#StayStrong❤️
Choose Love
My parents always taught me to treat others as you want to be treated. I come from a very loving family and had an ideal childhood. I grew up surrounded by love. This was what I thought was the norm, how all families were. The harsh reality of adulthood is you begin to see the world for what it really is. I am thankful for my family and grateful for the values my parents instilled in me.
Sadly, my ideal childhood is not as common as I once thought. It can be difficult to understand other people and their motives when they treat others with malice and cruelty. I don’t understand how anyone could think it’s acceptable to do that to others. It’s not even acceptable to do that to yourself. Do some people really hurt that much inside that they feel such a strong need to make others feel pain too? Is that what causes cruelty?
I have always been an internalizer and directed negativity toward myself. I have suffered from anxiety and depression in the past and I almost died from anorexia when I was 19. I know what it feels like to hate myself, but by practicing self-love, the negativity evaporated. So what is different between someone who directs their hatred outward instead?
Maybe there isn’t much difference at all. Maybe there is. I only know what I have experienced. It’s a normal human reaction to want to make others feel pain after they have caused you pain (as children will impulsively hit another child who hit them). But what about the innocent person who hasn’t done a thing? How do they become the target?
Bella tells me “love heals all” and I really believe that’s true! She also tells me that this world will eventually know peace, and I believe she is right. But how can we ever get there when such hateful and angry people exist?
The answer is LOVE! But how can you send someone love when they hurt you over and over again? How do you put it all aside and remain focused on what is important?
I believe in Karma. I believe that our experiences can shape our personalities and affect how we react to things. But every single person, no matter what happened to them in their past, has a CHOICE! You get to choose how you treat others. No one forces that on you.
The beauty of it is that you also get to choose how others treat you. You set the standard for that, no one else! But you can’t treat someone unfairly and expect not to get the same in return. If you act a certain way toward someone, how can you get mad when they do the same thing back?
Hurting others will not take away your pain!
Choose love instead.
#ChooseLove #StayStrong❤️
SoulShift
Everything in the Universe unfolds as it should when the time is right. There is no such thing as coincidence, but as your soul awakens you often see synchronicities. Things begin to happen that seem impossible, as though there is something greater causing these things to happen. People will come into your life at exactly the right time and will offer exactly what you need at that moment. Doors will begin to open, opportunities you could only have dreamed of, but it becomes real because you set the intention for these things to occur. As your eyes open wider, you gain a greater understanding of the Universe and divine order and you grasp the concept of manifestation. We are all creators of our own reality. Thoughts are creative , they are energy. Thought is a powerful force that will attract exactly what you want it to, whether that be intentional or not. Once we understand this we can begin to change our thoughts to adjust our reality to what we envision it to be. It then makes sense to clear out all the negative thoughts and ideas because no one would ever consciously choose to create negativity. This is part of the soul shift, the waking up. We fully understand that everything becomes a CHOICE! And the things you can’t control, you can always control your reaction to it. Be careful what you think because it will become your reality.
Much Love ❤️
A Year Since Goodbye
A year ago today we said goodbye to our princess. We celebrated her life and all the love and lessons she brought. A princess party for my Bella Angel.
I’ve been gathering my writings and organizing them as I prepare to start my book. Reading back to where I was so soon after her transition amazes me. I honestly don’t remember much from the weeks following that tragic day. I remember how numb I felt. I remember feeling her arms around me, constantly hugging me. I remember the moment I allowed myself to feel pain and how in that moment, I stopped breathing. I almost died, or perhaps I did die. Whatever happened that day changed me.
I now see how my “death” happened to allow me to see beyond what my human self could perceive. I knew my truth and immediately wanted to share what I knew with the world in hopes of helping others heal. Even though parents aren’t supposed to outlive their children, it happens every day. The sad part is that not everyone can see that their child never left them. Bella is not dead and her energy, her consciousness, is still very prominent in my home and I expect it will always be this way.
I may wonder how I could have been so strong so soon, but I’ve always known the answer. Bella wouldn’t have it any other way.
I don’t remember ever reading her obituary but it was beautiful and perfect, just like her. Thank you, family, for taking care of things when I couldn’t. I love you all so much.❤️
A Memory Shared
July 1, 2012 – I had no idea what journey was a head of us. I knew I loved you but didn’t understand the depth of my love. I knew I would do anything for you but didn’t know the lengths I’d be forced to go. Our journey together wasn’t an easy one, but it wasn’t meant to be. We got one thing right though, baby girl; pure unconditional love.❤️
“No one will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you’re the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.”
-Kristen Proby
Bella’s First Angelversary
Angels come in different forms. They come to help us at the most unexpected times. They advise us, guide us, save us. My experience is a little different than most people’s angel encounters as I gave birth to mine. I held her, rocked her, fed her, slept with her. She is a part of me. She was born into a physical body and lived here for 19 months. She was a gift, the greatest blessing I could have hoped for. She came and woke me up. She taught me that nothing is more precious than time; spend it wisely. Life is sacred; cherish it. Nothing lasts forever so don’t waste a moment. Enjoy it when things are good and appreciate the lessons struggles bring. Look for rainbows because every storm has one. It’s the beauty in life that makes it worth living so don’t waste your time looking for darkness. Tell the people you love how grateful you are for them. Be thankful for all the miracles in life. If you open your eyes you will see that they exist everywhere.
I am grateful for my family. They surrounded me with love today and we once again held each other up. We sent pink balloons up to Bella in heaven. At one point the balloons formed a heart, although I didn’t capture a picture of it as I was staring in awe.
A year ago today, my angel got her wings. Happy Angelversary sweet baby girl. Thank you for choosing me💕
I shared some of Bella with Larder Lake.
The strongest boy I know❤️
“I love SIS”
Balloon release. You can kind of see the heart (it had begun separating by the time I captured it).
#StayStrong❤️
Angie Carter 