Child Loss

The Last Night

altcarter Leave a comment

Exactly one year ago, I was out at a concert enjoying myself for the first time in a long time. I had kissed my baby girl goodnight and left as my broken-hearted son clung to me, tears streaming down his face begging me not to leave.
In the car, my friend looked over at me and told me we didn’t have to go, he didn’t mind staying in with the kids. I said to him “let’s go. I need this!” And off we went to see Simple Plan.
So many people were happy to see me out having fun. We even went out after the concert. It had been a long time since I had been anywhere. I had been going through such a difficult time, I really needed the break, the escape. I was at a turning point and learning that as a mother, I have needs too. That night was a huge first step in reclaiming my life.
Life was chaotic. When I tell people that Bella was a handful, it’s assumed she was a typical active child. There was nothing typical about her. She tested me in every possible way she could and introduced me to my breaking point. Add in the stress of a broken home and a 5 year old who was struggling emotionally. The 3 of us were a disaster, but we loved each other. My kids were my whole world and I know I was also theirs.
It’s hard sitting here picturing myself having fun that night a year ago knowing what was about to happen. I have thought about how that night played out countless times. How I chose to do something fun, for myself. How my kids were with my parents. How I was feeling like a teenager, wild and free. How I woke up the next morning not feeling well. How my mom had such a rough night with Bella and called to tell me she was still sleeping. How could mom have known anything was wrong? Bella never slept anywhere but with me and her nights were always rough. 
How my mom was the one to find her. That is something I would give anything to take from her…
Tonight I sit on the beach in front of my house. It may not be Maui, but it’s still beautiful. A momma duck as her ducklings pass by me. It’s her job to protect those babies. But if she didn’t take care of herself, she would no longer be able to care for them. As their mom she would do everything she could to protect them, to make sure they are happy, healthy and well. If something were to happen to one of her babies, it wouldn’t be her fault. 
Life is unpredictable and bad things can and do happen every single day. The important thing is how we cope when these bad things happen.
Had I stayed home that night, Bella would still be gone. I am certain of this. She chose to leave this realm and it’s up to us how we choose to cope with what happened. 
Tomorrow will be a difficult day for us, but we will all be together.
Please help honour Bella’s memory by wearing pink tomorrow. Thank you for the love and support.

#StayStrong❤️

Project Life

altcarter Leave a comment

Less than 2 weeks after Bella made her transition back to the spirit world, I decided to start a blog as a way to document my journey as an angel mom. I had no idea what would come of this project but hoped that sharing my words would offer some healing, not only to myself but also to others who are on their own journey of grief. As I sit here 11 months later, I see that nothing has changed for me. I expected to see how far I have come but instead I understand that this long roller coaster ride I’ve been on has come full circle. I am grateful for the clarity I saw so soon after my daughter’s passing and also grateful for the pain that finally came. The flow of blood from this open wound in my chest is slowing once more and today I wipe my tears with a smile on my face. I will always miss her but I no longer feel the need to suffer. #StayStrong❤️

Click HERE to see first post on original blog.

Grief and Life After Loss

altcarter Leave a comment

Life after loss is much more complex than anyone can imagine. There’s learning to live again, learning to be happy, and also accepting the emptiness that will never disappear. There’s acknowledging the loss and then there is accepting it. I’m still learning to acknowledge it, observing life without Bella and imagining how life would be if she were still here. 
It’s been 11 months since her transition. Eleven months since I have seen and touched her, or smelled her sweet breath. As time passes, I fear that her memory will fade. So far it has remained strong but will it be this way in a year? A decade? How can I forget my child? But memories DO fade… So I continue to hold on to what I remember in this moment, and I am grateful. 
Grief can really bring life into perspective if you allow yourself to be open to it. Most parents appreciate the pleasant moments, such as when your kids are calm and cooperative. For parents of loss, we are grateful for what was. Grief has brought me a new awareness of what IS. Of what life is… And it is beautiful. Life IS BELLA❤️


Living in the present moment has brought me a new found strength I didn’t realize existed. It’s not always easy to do, but the ability to stay grounded is one of the most important things I have learned in the last year. Staying aware and present during traumatic moments can help us get through them. I was able to focus and do what I needed to for Bella in the last moments I had with her rather than panic. Now I am trying to apply this to my everyday life. Presence in life helps bring gratitude. Pay attention because beauty is all around you!
My grief has also helped me put things into perspective in this huge universe. This allows me to see that I’m not alone and that there is a greater purpose to life, death and loss. As Wayne Dyer says, “We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” I have been able to separate my spirit self from my human self and understand that it’s the human part of me that is experiencing grief. My spirit self understands that death does not exist because humans are made of energy and energy does not die. Bella isn’t dead and she has proven time and again that she hasn’t left me! My spirit self also understands that our children are not created FOR us. They are not OURS but are separate souls here for their own reasons. Bella has her own mission, completely separate from mine. Part of her life purpose was to teach me many lessons. I know that I was meant to experience grief and she came to teach me about this. 
In this moment I am in awe of the words escaping from my fingertips as I type. I had an emotional day because I miss my baby girl and wanted to write about the pain, and this is what is coming to me. 
I am awake. My eyes are wide open. I observe. I breathe it in and appreciate it. ALL of it. The experience of it. The human perspective of the experience. I appreciate the pain because it is proof of the love I feel for my baby girl. I appreciate the memories because they are proof of Bella’s life. And I appreciate Bella for waking me up. 
The open wound is now covered by a scab. Occasionally the skin stretches which causes the scab to break open and bleed, but the scab is there and the wound is healing. #StayStrong❤️

Mother’s Day Without Bella

altcarter Leave a comment

I was woken up by a kiss and an “I love you mommy!” Hudson has been very excited about Mother’s Day this year. “It’s Modder’s Day!” He couldn’t wait to give me the gifts he worked so hard to make. I’m impressed that he was able to keep a secret for 2 whole days. My baby is growing up, the boy who made me a mommy. ❤️
I wasn’t even out of bed yet and the pain flooded me. And then the guilt came for feeling sadness after my son just gave me some very special gifts. It’s hard not to feel that emptiness when what comes next should be Bella’s little arms and sweet kisses.
Mother’s Day is a time to celebrate our Mothers, but it’s also a special day that we celebrate our children, the precious lives that we have created. It doesn’t matter how old your child is, our babies are our most precious gifts.
Today was very difficult. I forced myself to stay off Facebook as seeing all the photos of happy moms with their kids was unbearable. The pain of what reminders today brings are inevitable but nothing can ever take away the fact that I am Bella’s mommy. Nothing can take away my pain either, but I need to remember more today than ever that Bella chose ME. No matter what comes along with that, I am honoured to have been the one woman out of billions that she chose. 
My role as her mommy has changed but that doesn’t change the love I feel for her, how proud I am of her, and the importance of our relationship. Instead of hugging and kissing her, taking care of her and teaching her how to live, I now ache for her hugs and kisses and teach others about her. Every day is a fight to keep her memory alive. 
The best day of my life was the day I became a mommy. Both times. Hudson and Bella, thank you for choosing me! XO


Motherhood starts in pregnancy. You see that double line and in that same breath you get excited, panic, then plan out your child’s entire life. No one knows what will happen from that moment on but sometimes our plans are shattered. Some mommies never get to hold their babies, and others get to for but a moment. I am thankful I got to enjoy 19 months with my baby girl because some people aren’t as fortunate. 
Today I am wishing a very special Happy Mother’s Day to all the Angel Mommies of the world. It’s the hardest role for any parent to play. I especially want to send love to the mommies who didn’t have the chance to know your babies because you are too often forgotten. 
And most of all, Happy Mother’s Day to my mommy and Nonna, the only people in the world who feel my pain. We are in this journey together; we hold each other up and keep each other going. Mom, I don’t know where I would be without you. Thank for you for helping me #StayStrong❤️

10 Months Wothout You

altcarter Leave a comment


“10 months without you and all I have left to hold onto are rainbows.”
They say time heals all wounds but this one seems to hurt more as the weeks go by, time acting like salt in the greatest wound imaginable. Painful reminders surround me of all that is missing. Seeing children her age celebrate birthdays and other milestones, things Bella will never get to experience. The world seems so unfair. 
Another night of tears and feeling pain that I spent months begging for and all I could think was “why does love have hurt so much?” Love itself is a blessing, true bliss. Love between two people forms a bond and it is when something changes this bond that results in pain. As much as it feels that my bond with Bella has been severed, it has merely taken on a new form. Nothing could sever a bond as strong as ours. “Love doesn’t hurt, love is beautiful, and I’d rather feel this pain forever than not ever know your love.”
The universe is complex, beyond the understanding of any human. Throughout life, it is human nature to try and figure out the things we don’t understand. Here are some things as I see them:
In order for anything positive to have meaning, we need to experience it’s opposite. We can’t know love unless we know the opposite of love. I feel like this pain and emptiness I am feeling could be the opposite of love, but part of me knows it’s BECAUSE of love. It’s bittersweet. I have all these great memories that I made in 19 short months, but now I’m left with a hole and feel so empty inside. It’s a hole that will be there until the day I die. Nothing can fix it. 
This separation from Bella is merely my perception. Intuitively I know she is always with me. The signs are too prominent to dismiss. I mourn the loss of my physical daughter but I know she is here with me, always. I will be forced to continue through my life without her beside me physically, with me in spirit. How long will it be until I see her again? I wish I could count the days, but time is nothing but a human concept. It doesn’t matter to Bella if I live another decade or 10, she will be waiting for me and it will seem like a blink of an eye to her, but an eternity to me. 
When someone you love dies, a part of you dies with them and you feel a physical response. The pain I feel is very real. It is in my heart, but it’s also in my throat. It feels like a blockage. When a wave of pain comes, my throat catches it and I try to swallow it. It never works. It stays there and will slowly subside as I distract myself from it. It’s always there, like a dull ache, but I keep hoping that if I ignore it, maybe it will go away.
These are my thoughts for tonight. My head hurts after a long emotional day. I need sleep now. “I hope to see you in my dreams, Bella Boo. Mommy misses you.”
#StayStrong❤️

altcarter Leave a comment

Some days will always be harder than others. Today is one of those days. Not because I’m laying in bed feeling the waves of pain, or because I have no energy, or because anything happened to upset me. Today is a difficult day because I feel the emptiness inside of me. I’m making efforts and that can be quite a challenge.
I still find it difficult to do anything with Hudson that would have involved Bella. It’s not always easy to be out around other kids, especially those close to Bella’s age or who are close to the age she was when she transitioned. Today we went to the high school where they had inflatables for the kids. I sat and watched the kids play. It felt abnormal. I never get to sit when I’m out with my kids. I’m always too busy chasing Bella. I’m not sure that I’ll ever get used to not chasing her. Looking over at the inflatables for the younger children, I felt that I should have been there, in the other room, with her. Instead I sat on the bleachers feeling broken. 
I’m feeling pain today. Missing Bella is a physical pain. Sometimes it feels like I’m being stabbed, other times it feels like my heart is literally being ripped out of my chest. Today, the pain is an ache that I feel deep in my heart. It’s a pain that will never fade completely. So how do you deal with it and continue living?
You just DO! Because you have to. It’s definitely a choice, but to me the alternative would be too difficult for those surrounding me. I do it for them. My family is okay as long as I am. I have to be okay because if I’m not, I couldn’t bare to let my loved ones down, to see them worry needlessly and feel more pain. 
Life isn’t easy. It’s not supposed to be. I believe that we chose to experience the things that life throws at us, and someday we will know why. I now understand why I went through everything I did up until my baby girl left this realm. I went though it all in order to make me strong enough to get through this. I’m not sure I’m as strong as people make me out to be, but I know that I’m not weak. We are what we believe ourselves to be and what we choose to be. I look at my son and promise him that I will be strong for him. He depends on that. I am also strong for myself because I know I deserve to live. Bella wants me to be happy, so I also live for HER! 
I cried as I wrote this then went to the washroom to freshen up. I looked in the mirror and noticed that Bella’s urn pendent left a mark on my chest which would be strange to anyone else because nothing was pushing on it but I’m used to odd things happening around me. We always give Bella credit for these things. I questioned if I should post this and the response I got was “she wears her heart on the outside for all the world to see.” So here it is. Thank you Bella👼🌈


#StayStrong❤️

altcarter Leave a comment

Life is unpredictable. The sad reality is we bring children into this world and aren’t always fortunate enough to see them every day. Sometimes things happen that prevents us from being able to hug and kiss our babies. To all the parents who are with their kids right now, please do me a favour and give your babies an extra hug and kiss from me today. Have a little bit more patience with them and spend a little more time doing something special. Not everyone is so fortunate so please make every moment count. Much love ❤️

altcarter Leave a comment

I’ve had a lot on my mind but haven’t been able to write, not for lack of trying but because the words won’t flow. The pain is back, but I welcome it because it makes Bella seem more real to me. For a while it was as though she were a dream, but what we had was very real and the pain allows me to remember that.
My last post was a big one that reached thousands of people. Reactions to it were very mixed and I want to clarify that I don’t blame anyone for what happened. I simply listed facts about Bella’s health and certain events that occurred the weeks preceding her death. I hope to find answers as to how such a heathy child became so ill in case I can help prevent this from happening to another family. 
In 3 short weeks I will be getting ready for my first day back to work. I have very mixed feelings about it but know that it is what I need to do. It feels as though my brain shut down when Bella transitioned and I have concerns about my ability to do my job. I am slowly making progress, which is encouraging, but it’s still scary to think you may not be capable of doing something you used to be so passionate about. It’s time to push myself a little bit more to see just what I am capable of. #StayStrong❤️

Bella’s Story

altcarter Leave a comment

I’ve been reading a lot of Facebook posts lately that I comment on then quickly delete or decide not to post what I wrote. I’ve been struggling between wanting the world to know what happened to Bella vs starting a huge debate. I have decided that today will be the day that I will share the facts.
Bella was a healthy 19 month old girl. She ate well and had a strong immune system. Bella was rarely sick or missed daycare. Even when she wasn’t well, it took a lot to slow her down. On May 23, 2014, Bella had an eye infection and was required to stay home from daycare although her eye didn’t bother her much. She also had a runny nose and mild cough. I didn’t think much of it because this is pretty typical for kids in daycare. Her eye was completely better in 2 days but her runny nose and mild cough remained. It was minor and didn’t concern me as she was happy, energetic and had a great appetite.
On June 3, Bella went for a hearing test because I was concerned about her speech development. The first part of the test showed fluid behind her ear, which may have been caused by a cold (not surprising considering her symptoms) or ear infection (but Bella didn’t have a fever and her ear did not seem to be bothering her at all). Some kids are prone to fluid in their ears which is when tubes are inserted. The audiologist was not concerned and suggested rebooking in a month to see if it would clear up on it’s own. 
On June 10, Bella was scheduled for vaccines. I was reluctant to bring her because her mild cold symptoms were still present, but decided to attend the appointment and discuss my concerns with the nurse. She said that because Bella didn’t have a fever, there was no reason to not give her the vaccine (standard protocol). I questioned it because if Bella’s immune system is busy fighting off something, wouldn’t adding something else for it to fight off do more harm than good? Since Bella was already behind on her vaccines, the nurse reinforced the importance on “catching up.” Despite what my instincts were telling me, Bella received the Prevnar-13 vaccine (pneumonia) on June 10. Bella had a mild fever that night. It was the first time she had ever had a reaction to a vaccine. 
Bella’s mild cold symptoms persisted but were quite insignificant. I have been told before that this is normal for kids in daycare. As long as she has energy, is eating and does not have a fever, she’s fine! Look at the pictures from the 3 days before her death and tell me if you saw a sick child…
On the night of June 27, I went to a concert and my kids stayed with my parents. Bella was playing with Hudson while I was getting ready. She ate all her supper and was her typical happy energetic self. She didn’t nap at daycare that day and she didn’t want to go to bed that night. My mom said that she finally fell asleep at 3am. She slept in bed with my mother. 
Hudson woke up at about 8am and my mom let Bella sleep. Bella was still not up by 9:30, which is not unusual for my daughter who hates sleep but is very cranky when you wake her. She was face down and her bum was in the air (again, not usual) when my mom went to check on her. When Bella didn’t respond to mom’s touch, she turned her over. Bella was not breathing. It was estimated that Bella transitioned a half hour before mom found her.
The autopsy showed that Bella had pneumonia caused by Haemophilus influenza, which the coroner explained is a bacteria that often causes throat and ear infections. For some reason, Bella’s immune system was unable to fight the bacteria and it developed into pneumonia. The coroner called it “walking pneumonia” which explains why she did not seem sick other than minor cold symptoms. The infection was in her blood; she was septic. 
After seeing post after post about young children dying from bacterial infections, I knew I had to speak up. Losing a child is the most painful thing anyone could ever face, and if I can do something to help prevent another parent from feeling this pain, I will!
I am not against vaccines but fear them. I refuse to believe Bella was part of that “2%” who have a “severe adverse reaction” to a vaccine. Bella is NOT a statistic. I also do not believe in coincidences. These are just my beliefs and I am not a medical expert nor do I claim to be. I am simply a bereaved parent wanting answers if for no other reason than to prevent another family from experiencing the same tragedy. 
I’m curious about other peoples’ thoughts and experiences and if anyone knows of any research that can help me find answers, I would appreciate hearing from you.
Thank you for helping me #StayStrong❤️

altcarter Leave a comment

Progress is difficult, but nothing worthwhile ever comes easy. The last 3 weeks have been all about pushing myself and today I am celebrating how far I have come in such a short time.

My last psychiatric appointment did not go as I had anticipated. My doctor was very blunt about my “condition” and stated that I need to go back to work soon. I am not depressed. I don’t have a psychiatric condition. I am suffering from complex grief. He told me that I would have to go back to work in 6-12 weeks.
I left that appointment feeling very angry. How can I go back to work when I can’t even function? How can I even think about work when it’s the furthest thing from my mind? Apparently I needed that push to jump start my recovery.
Recovery, to me, means living! It means enjoying life and doing normal things, including going to work. I’ve been in my safe place since Bella transitioned. I have come to realize that I have stayed in this place out of fear and convenience.
It’s easy to be sad. It’s easy to stay at home, sit on the couch reading books all day and justify it with grief. Realistically, I will be grieving for Bella for the rest of my life. It’s easy to give in to grief and let it take over. What’s not easy is getting up, going out and LIVING again! That’s risky and so scary. But you can LIVE and GRIEVE simultaneously!
Losing Bella has changed me. I have lost a piece of myself and I will never be the same, nor do I want to be the same. This does NOT mean, however, that life will always be difficult. The truth is that I am genuinely happy, but with that comes guilt. I’m working on letting the guilt go because Bella wants me to be happy. She says she feels me when I am happy. Happiness raises your frequency and Bella’s frequency is much higher than any human, so it makes it easier for her to feel my energy when I am happy.
My little monkey has been playing tricks on her momma, but these tricks are also sweet rewards. I found my work keys in her daycare bag (her telling me it’s time to go back to work?), random rocks (always just one and in the strangest places), and my urn necklace went missing the other day and literally minutes after I had finished packing up the last of Bella’s things it mysteriously appeared on my computer desk (which Tom and I both checked 100 times and I was sitting at earlier that morning).
All of Bella’s belongings are in pretty pink bins ready to go up in the attic, where they will stay for now. Her important stuff will stay in the beautiful boxes made by some friendly strangers. This allows me to have her close by so I can enjoy a little piece of Bella any time I want.
I’m officially getting ready to go back to work, and the first thing I needed to do can now be crossed off my list. Yesterday was an amazing day. I was overjoyed to look at every single item that Bella has touched and I feel great knowing exactly where things are. I made a point to focus on happy memories while I went through her things. The most difficult part was starting as it was painful and I ended up having a breakdown, which I celebrated because a few months ago I wouldn’t have been able to cry. I left it alone for a few days, until I was ready. 

Life isn’t easy. It’s not meant to be. But it is what you choose to make of it, and I choose to #StayStrong❤️
“Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don’t and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.” – Harvey MacKay